“Why is there a leopard on this cheetos bag, wait...its a cheetah,cheetah,cheetos... there's so much beauty in the world”
|A mysterious stranger has awarded you a slice of cake!|
The icing is extra-frosty!
Cheetos are actually a deep-fried berry of the Chetatolo tree (Yabosolofias Chetatios). In their raw form they contain a small amount of naturally occurring poison (in this case a derivative of cyanide) that can cause nausea and vomiting, so it's important they be cooked before being eaten. This is why Cheatatolo fruit is never sold as berries, but always in processed form.
Often called 'The spawn of Chris Kattan', these fruit blossom once a year in what has been dubbed the 'mating' season. Since plant life does not mate, we've long since fired that guy.
Cheetos go best to enormously fat people who have to be put in a trash compacter and stepped on by an elephant to fit into the Grand Canyon. Cheetos can also possess certain evil qualities, and it is highly recommended you keep all children and other small wildlife away from them as they will poison their minds and make them do crack.
Biologists are still trying to determine the exact process that allows mature Cheetos to produce their distinctive orange pigment. This pigment is of extreme interest to scientists in the textiles market, as there is no known way to remove the coloring once it has come in contact with clothing.
The common Asp has a natural craving for Cheetos, often causing violent Asplosions. This is due to their unfortunate inability to attain them, which causes them to exert extraordinary amounts of energy in their frustration.
Cheetos were first discovered by an Englishman, Hugh GeButt, and his expedition husband, dick army. Hugh put together a journey to the center of the earth to search for unusual animals to sell for sex. (Rumor has it he was also looking to get away from his wife, as she had just found out about his newly found homosexuality.) He wanted to hire people who would be used to hot sex (people like Chef from South Park, so he hired most of his expedition members from Hell, including his chef, Chef. How they ended up in Madagascar is a matter of debate among historians. To make a long story short, when Winstingham found the berries, he gave them to Britney Spears who deep-fried them, because he deep-fried everything. Cheetos were born (then slightly raped.) Unfortunately Winstingham would never know that he had achieved lasting fame as the discoverer of the Atlantic ocean, because he got killed by a tribe of gay cannibal nudists. The only member of the expedition to survive was Portmanteau, whom the cannibals released in exchange for teaching them the secrets of deep-frying their leg. It was then discovered that Cheetos is the 100% possible side-effect of holding the Foot of Regulus.
edit Use During the Teenage war
During the Teenager war in 1999, where a horde of American teenagers started to attack random civilians, Cheetos was a highly paying sponsor of the Teenage War. Rumors have it that Cheetos was given to the teenagers from Cheetos.inc accounting on how many civilians were killed, raped or in other way humiliated. From there on certain Mottoes like:
I like things that are quick fried to a crackly crunch!
- "Papa Cheeto gives you candy if you play dandy"
- "Hail Cheeto"
- "Jerk off in front of that civilian for Mother Cheeto"
were used because it would rise the moral of the teens to get more Cheetos and so humiliate more civilians. So after a while people were jailed in for eating Cheetos. Then for 1 year Cheetos was illegally sold underground till the last teen died on eating too many Cheetos, which ended the Teenage War.
Cheetos were un-recognized by the Surgeon General until the death of famous actor Chester Cheetah. The 911 call went something like this...
Operator: 911 may I help you?
Tony The Tiger: Oh No, Oh no man.. this is seriously some ****ed up **** man!!!
Operator: What happened? Where are you at this moment?
Tony The Tiger: He... He just kept snorten them man, he just kept... Oh Man...
Operator: Who? What was he snorting?thumb
Tony The Tiger:He was doin Cheetos man... And just... Fell over on the floor, he's not breathing!
Operator: Stay Calm Sir and tell me the Address.
(Unidentified Voice in the background): I'm switching to Me Lucky Charms!
Tony The Tiger: Get Back Here man! You sold him the bag! YOU SOLD HIM THE BAG!!!!!! (sobs)
|Reese Witherspoon • Laura Secord • Hersheys|
|Reese's Peanut Butter Cup • Airplane peanuts • Bon-bons • Bubble gum • Cheetos • Chips • Popcorn • Pez|