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edit Man's most forgotten asset.
Flabby bits of skin attached to the egotistical organ known as the mouth. Renowned for their use in food storage and processing. Infamous for their tendency to inflate without permission.
It is often stated that cheeks are simply a biproduct of human evolution. This is irrefutably and shamefully wrong. Slightly more correct is the popular notion that cheeks were created by the ubiquitous Intelligent Designer. But again, this is false. Cheeks in fact created themselves. Spurring much philosophical debate as to whether one can create oneself. The consensus is: yes.
Cheeks are surprisingly resilient to both: barman shanks to the face and bottles to the face. This resilience is inversely proportional to the curvature of the bottle and by muon resistance as well as the space time continuum.
edit Food Storage
The most often cited use for cheeks with regard to food storage is in the chipmunk.
Chipmunks, renowned for their cuteness, fluffiness and cheek capacity, are a common species all around our pathetic, planet Earth we call home. They tend to incur sentimentality and tears in even the most cynical, world-weary individual and therefore, were it not for their cheeks, they would have no reason not to be culled en masse.
Chipmunks store their food (predominantly nuts and other asians) in their cheeks for substantial lengths of time. Without this they would not be able to a) eat very often or well and b) look quite so adorable.
Squirrels... nuff said
Cheeks may be thought of as "gay" or "retarded". But as is oft stated by esteemed Cheekologist Dr Barry Newman phd.: "no you are wrong all you fagboys." When cheeks are puffed out or stretched (see image) they actually assist in the flying process, well technically, they help with the landing-and-not-hurting-so-bad-process. Because as we all know, the only problem with falling is the ground and its steady upward momentum. Try it sometime. Jump off your bed, a telegraph pole or your nearest giant. Simply open the mouth (known as the Guppy Technique) or stretch the skin outwards (see image) with any available limbs and digits (known as the Party-Face Technique).
edit Finding a Mate
Good cheeks are a necessity for finding a mate and procreating on a number of levels. First and foremost, their obvious sex appeal helps to "herd them in" and assists in keeping them in their correct place (for women: in the kitchen, for men: on their knees).
Cheeks are also a must when it comes to sexual contact. A well-known erogenous zone, cheeks assist in a number of unholy pleasures which are fully explored on the delectable porn site: www.cheekmeout.com.nz
edit Aesthetical Appeal
Cheek quality can be gauged on many things:
- overall practicality
The issue regarding Aesthetic appeal and redness is a debate that gained its roots even before Intelligent Design. The significance of this debate could solve worldwide virginity and could diminish said problem by 104% (except in certain anonymous Koreans who do not believe in genitalia), in that, a case of "red cheek" would cancel out knowledge factor allowing greater chance of getting laid. It's that simple.
edit Drunken Redness
Drunken redness is the most effective way in achieving Aesthetical Appeal... why? well you read it.. on the internet.. on uncyclopedia.. JEBUS it must be true.
edit Self Mutilation Redness
Self Mutilation can be as harsh as barman shank to the cheek (thus reddening occurs due to slight bleeding because of the powers possessed by the barman), or pinching (See lower for cheek pinchers). This is considered cheating as it's not "legit", and you are emo if you do it, so die.. in a fire.. with snakes.. on a plane.. listening to My Chemical Shitmance (eewwww).
edit Ergonomic Appeal
edit Cheeks feel good.
edit The Interior
A celebrated part of the cheeks.
edit Do the Experiment
- locate tongue.
- roll tongue around inside of mouth
- enjoy soft silky sensation (3 cheers for alliteration (3 cheers for rhyme (3 cheers for the user's tragic flaw)))
edit The Exterior
Yet another celebrated part of the cheeks.
edit Do the Experiment
- locate fingers (or replacement digits)
- touch cheecks
- try many different methods: hard, soft, 2 fingers or 3.
The following threats are threatening cheeks!!!:
- Teenage Ninja Turtles
- Dr Pepper
- Cornel's 11 secret herbs and spices
- Politicians (see image)
- Unlicensed Cats
- Extinction of Domo Kung
- My Chemical Romance
- 1337 speak
- Ingredient X
All these must be prevented, if you want help we are initiating a mass suicide so the world stops the possible extinction of cheeks
edit Famous Cheeks
- Louis Armstrong - how would he be able to trumpet so prettily without a set of fine cheeks?
- Richard Simmons