Cheasel

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[[Image:Cheasel.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Making traditional french cheasel.]]
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{{Q|I love French Cuisine, its like wiping your arse with silk|Noel Coward|Cheasel}}
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The '''Cheasel''' is what you get when you drop a small land mammal (or [[weasel]]) into a large vat of [[cheese]]. The [[cheese]] isn't in and of itself deadly, but the [[weasel]] finds it nearly impossible to escape his cheesy fate as the cheesy death hinders its progress. If the [[weasel]] somehow manages to eat his way out of his cheesy tomb, he is often still too [[fat]] to make it all the way out of the [[cheese]]-stirring [[drum]] (as his little [[claws]] and tiny legs scrape away at the polished insides of the [[metal]] behemoth). That being said, female weasels seem to have no problem escaping this particular method of [[food]] preparation.
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==Ingredients==
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*one starving, crazed [[weasel]]
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*a giant drum for stirring [[cheese]]
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*1 ton of your favorite liquid [[cheese]] (for our demonstration, we'll use warm cream cheese)
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== Preparation ==
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[[Image:Cheasel.png|thumb|250px|These kindergarten students demonstrate how the making of Cheasels is easy and fun.]]
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First, you must prepare the [[weasel]]. The [[weasel]] must be strong enough to survive a thorough struggle with the [[cheese]] (to ensure being coated completely), but not strong enough to escape its cheezy [[grave]] and take some kind of ill-gotten [[revenge]] on you, the cook. If the [[weasel]] goes limp when you pick it up, yet is still strong enough to stick by holding on with its claws when you throw it against the wall, the [[weasel]] is ready. Make sure you are careful to avoid the prying eyes of the ASPCA while you starve your [[weasel]], as it will be very hard to explain what you are doing to them.
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Next, prepare the vat of [[cheese]]. We recommend using a [[cement]] mixer, as this will sufficiently mix the quantity of [[cheese]] desired. It is important to remember that the [[cheese]] must be in a liquid form (so sufficiently warm), but not hot enough to kill the [[weasel]] on impact. You must give ample time to the [[weasel]] to struggle and coat himself completely. We recommend you leave the [[cheese]] out on a hot summer day in a place devoid of animal life (such as the Mojave Desert). This also has the added advantage of being a place the [[ASPCA]] is unlikely to happen upon you by mistake.
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When you drop the [[weasel]] into the drum, make sure you have an apron on, as it's likely to get quite messy. Oh, should I have mentioned that before? Sorry. Anyway, drop the [[weasel]] into the vat and wait until death takes it (you can eat the [[weasel]] alive if you so desire, but this is not recommended). Take the [[weasel]] out of the vat with your [[weasel]]-retrieval device and place on a stick to serve as a delicacy that will make your dinner guests shriek with delight. No, it's delight, trust me.
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[[Category:Animals]]
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[[Category:Cheese]]
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[[Category:Cooking]]
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[[Category:Carnivora]]
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[[Category:Weasels]]

Latest revision as of 08:40, July 5, 2012

Cheasel
Making traditional french cheasel.
“I love French Cuisine, its like wiping your arse with silk”
~ Noel Coward on Cheasel

The Cheasel is what you get when you drop a small land mammal (or weasel) into a large vat of cheese. The cheese isn't in and of itself deadly, but the weasel finds it nearly impossible to escape his cheesy fate as the cheesy death hinders its progress. If the weasel somehow manages to eat his way out of his cheesy tomb, he is often still too fat to make it all the way out of the cheese-stirring drum (as his little claws and tiny legs scrape away at the polished insides of the metal behemoth). That being said, female weasels seem to have no problem escaping this particular method of food preparation.

edit Ingredients

  • one starving, crazed weasel
  • a giant drum for stirring cheese
  • 1 ton of your favorite liquid cheese (for our demonstration, we'll use warm cream cheese)

edit Preparation

Cheasel
These kindergarten students demonstrate how the making of Cheasels is easy and fun.

First, you must prepare the weasel. The weasel must be strong enough to survive a thorough struggle with the cheese (to ensure being coated completely), but not strong enough to escape its cheezy grave and take some kind of ill-gotten revenge on you, the cook. If the weasel goes limp when you pick it up, yet is still strong enough to stick by holding on with its claws when you throw it against the wall, the weasel is ready. Make sure you are careful to avoid the prying eyes of the ASPCA while you starve your weasel, as it will be very hard to explain what you are doing to them.

Next, prepare the vat of cheese. We recommend using a cement mixer, as this will sufficiently mix the quantity of cheese desired. It is important to remember that the cheese must be in a liquid form (so sufficiently warm), but not hot enough to kill the weasel on impact. You must give ample time to the weasel to struggle and coat himself completely. We recommend you leave the cheese out on a hot summer day in a place devoid of animal life (such as the Mojave Desert). This also has the added advantage of being a place the ASPCA is unlikely to happen upon you by mistake.

When you drop the weasel into the drum, make sure you have an apron on, as it's likely to get quite messy. Oh, should I have mentioned that before? Sorry. Anyway, drop the weasel into the vat and wait until death takes it (you can eat the weasel alive if you so desire, but this is not recommended). Take the weasel out of the vat with your weasel-retrieval device and place on a stick to serve as a delicacy that will make your dinner guests shriek with delight. No, it's delight, trust me.

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