From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

edit Social Habits


A common chav. Often mistaken for a wigger, or mentally retarded person.

Few Chavs have jobs (and those that do work in supermarkets, McDonald's if they're lucky); they are reasonably financially acute and have long since realised that the government will pay them to lie around home out of work. Thus, the Chav has an unbridled amount of free time on its hands. This will usually be spent by congregating outside the local chippy with a bottle of white lightning in groups, or ‘crews’ as they like to call them, in some pathetic misguided belief that they are ‘wankstas’. This has also lead scientists to believe that the first chavs were pirates. Usually these gangs will just hang around doing nothing. Every once in a while, Chavs will gather at predetermined spots at night to show off their cars, generally 20 year old Novas. Chavs will decorate their cars with vinyl, decals and body kits in some belief that this makes them better, little knowing that everyone laughs when they see a £1000 car with £2000 worth of essentially useless mods on it go by. It is common to see a chav driving a car worth £500 equipped with a car stereo (or ICE, in chav-speak) worth £3000. They may even attempt to race each other, because every Chav fancies himself as a bit of a rally driver after spending too much time playing 'Need for Speed' on the PlayStation. Of course, not every Chav can afford a car, and those who cannot generally steal themselves a motor-scooter and remove the exhaust pipe to irritate the general public even further. Of course music plays a big part in their culture, is the result of 3 x 7 which is the highest result of a multiplication that any of them can do (if they're lucky). All Chavs live in a 'council house', a term synonymous with having very little money due to being too idle. Example: Look at Kane over there, he's such a chav. He obviously lives in a council house.

edit The Mentality of Chavs, and how to use it against them

The mentality of the common ‘chav’ basically follows the ‘pack mentality’ as well as maslow’s hierarchy of needs. These breakthroughs have enabled us to better understand the chav, in a hope the better understanding we may find a way to eradicate them more efficiently and more entertainingly.

Many people have suggested ideas about chavs and their social behaviours. Although a Chav congregation has, at times, been compared to a pack of wolves, the wolves have now evolved beyond chavs and are offended by the comparison. The newer (and arguably more accurate) comparison is to a hive of ants. In a chav-hive, the lower chavs follow a single alpha male with slavish loyalty, as this is their equivalent to a "queen." The alpha male in the chav social structure is the hive mind. They control what the chavs think and do. Chavs are a basic creature, requiring constant need of guidance, without such the chavs fall into anarchy and will eventually die. This has led to the belief that by killing the alpha the pack will die, however that is not the case, many times throughout a pack’s life there is an almost constant change in alpha males.

The majority of the alphas are lost by a ritual known in chavish as a ‘weddin’. The alpha male makes the mistake of showing a female attention, the female starts to produce pheromones. The pheromones seduce the alpha male into a state of obsession. This phase can go on indefinitely but generally lasts for at least two weeks. The female chav then gets pregnant and lures the male into a place known to civilization as a church. The chavs have been able to adapt to living in a modern world, and so they have learned the basic needs in order to receive more money, the government finds it easier to pay off the priests then worry about the growing problem. This instinctual pattern is shown throughout many species, and is known to most of the world as the ‘ball and chain’ method. After the alpha male has been fixed by the ‘weddin’ the couple mate continuously, the female quickly wears out the male. The male slowly starves to death as the mating continues for days, the female then is able to lay the chavlets inside the council house and they feed off of the father.

When a chav makes the favored position of becoming an alpha, they are able to control the entire pack. This power has started to be taken interest by the American military, who after the Iraq war now are lacking bullet fodder. And so much research has gone into what pheromones affect the chavs and whether they can be reproduced. If this is proven true then the military will be able to use the chavs as a weapon, infiltrating the creatures into foreign cities then making them attack, crippling all of the world’s trade and making millions by selling Burberry. This would give America a new grip on the world, and will start a world war. So the world has been trying to eradicate the chavs before the Americans can gain control of them.

Alpha males tend to be reclusive creatures, tending to become nocturnal. During the day they send out their pack in search of females in which they can then ‘fock’ to produce an every growing population of chavs. The nocturnal status of the alpha is a purely defensive measure, as they believe that they are protected in the cover of night, what they fail to realize is that with the invention of the light bulb street lamps have been fashioned to give cities light during the night. The light from the lamp also affects the chav’s directional skills, who use the moon to find a mate. And so large groups now form under the lights in search of a mate, this is well known to be a very good chav hunting spot.

When a chav becomes an Alpha, most of the pack do not have the required brain functions in order to complain; however, sometimes there is a chav who is able to think with both of its brain cells. When this happens and the alpha is challenged, two outcomes are imminent. The first is that the alpha starts to move up close and personal with the offending chav, trying to insult him, should this not work then the alpha tries to seduce the chav. As all chavs are deeply repressed homosexuals, you can tell whether or not it is working, if the chav’s hair wax starts to melt. Then you know all is lost for the chav and it should be put down humanely. The heat in the cranium is generated by the self destruction inside the brain as the basic immune system destroys the brain to eradicate the homosexual thoughts. As a result the chav then dies very slowly, the basic thought processes are completely lost, the only useful result of the mental melt down is that the chav’s body can be used as an effective fertilizer. However should this tactic not work the alpha is then banished from the pack, the result from a chav without a pack is that they evolve, they generally evolve into tramps (Not to be confused with hobos), and their biological organs metamorphosis into that resembling a human. The evolution of the chav let its body use loose change for nourishment. This had led to the common theory that most lesser life form could’ve evolved from chavs. This theory is intensely challenged by the civilized world. The scientist who proposed the idea disappeared somewhere over Russia.

edit Celebrities

In the same way that insect colonies have Queens, Chavs have celebrities; Chavs who have paradoxically achieved success. The so called ‘King and Queen of Chavdom’ are David Beckham and Victoria Beckham, the former football player and the latter a once successful singer until her group broke up and everyone realised that she could not sing for shit. There are other celebs; Wayne Rooney is a fresh-faced contender, as is Steven Gerrard and pretty much every single FHM model, most notably Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan). Incidentally, the favourite female chav career path is to become a glamour model, as per the aforementioned "slut" and this guides their school subject choices. The misguided belief that Chavs have something to look up to in these degenerates of humanity, these genetic cul-de-sacs, these equivalents of urine in the gene pool of humanity is indeed laudable, or it would be if it weren’t so tragic. Chavs Also Worship Every Big Brother Housemate (except Derek)...especially Chantelle (Her Royal Highness Paris Travelodge) and Bonnie from BB7 (evryfin and evryfin).

The recommended response upon meeting a chav celeb is immediate violent action towards them. The violent action towards he/she/it may involve chainsaws, cricket bats, golf clubs, fireworks (as mentioned before), deoderant cans and a match (Consider using the cheapest can of 'Lynks' for a particularly ironic death), bare fists, knives that actually cut things harder than butter or all of the above.

Personal tools