Charmed
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Charmed is a TV show created by L Ron Spelling and Bradley Konami that is based on the true-life stories of a San Diego detective agency, run by three sisters who when not being international porn stars also happen to be witches. First broadcast in 1953, the show has refused to die ever since, even after one of its creators was hunted down in a nationally televised deathmatch and shot through the left eye socket with a silver crossbow bolt.
[edit] Characters
Pru Hellfire is played by She-Beast Doherty, most famous for being sacked from Beverly Hills 6-5-Thousand for ritually circumcising her co-stars without their permission, and in two cases even their knowledge. Pru has the power to repel objects and people with her asymmetrical face. The character was killed off at the end of season 15 by being run over by a golf cart. In reality, Doherty was sacked for invoking the Mayan demon Sa'la'klek on set, resulting in the deaths of fifteen Teamsters and the loss of almost an hour's shooting time in mopping.
Pippi Longstocking is played by That Chick Who Isn't As Famous As The Others, You Know, She Was In That Show With The Guy From Top Gun, No Not Tom Cruise You Fucking Idiot. Her powers include the ability to keep a straight face and complaining incessantly in a shrill whiny voice until the villains commit suicide. In season 23 she married her guardian angel, Lon Chaney Jr Jr, and gave birth to two zombie children, Rigor and Mortis.
Phuck Heebiejeebie I would tell you who she's played by, but I don't care. ANYWAY. This character almost gets married to the devil, but doesn't because after a few seasons she realises he is the devil. Then she leaves him (kills him) and cries herself to sleep for the rest of the TV show, except for the last season where she meets a cupid and he shows her what it's like to love again by sending her back in time to when she loved the devil. (Great job Cupid.) But after she finished crying (which took half the season) she got it on with cupid. And then she had his child. And then she married cupid.
Pey'j Matthewperry was brought in to replace Pru and pander to The WB's much-coveted 'jock dullard' demographic. Played by Muggy Manson, who won the role by offering to clean L Ron Spelling's pool free for a year while wearing nothing but a bikini made of spaghetti hoops, Pey'j's powers include attorney and pulling faces like a fucking spaz. She also got jizz in her hair too much and it wouldn't come out so she had to keep dying it. Also, why is nobody getting the damned Beyond Good and Evil reference?
[edit] Villains
The 'Charmy Witch Threesome Freedom Battle Force Cyan Speculum', as the sisters are more commonly known, have battled many villains, none of them memorable. Here are they anyway.
The Sores Of All Evil was a demon who contracted herpes and genital warts following unprotected sex with Phuck. He vowed revenge, as soon as the tip of his dick stopped itching and noticed the lumps like that, oh Jesus Christ aaargh there must be some kind of soothing ointment, surely.
Rex & Ginger Biatch Sibling warlocks and Pru's former bosses. They used to hide in their office and make out whilst laughing about what Pru was wearing. Pru soon discovered their incesturous relationship and asked if she could join in. Rex and Biatch refused. They were eventually vanquished by Phuck when she had sex with them at the same time.
Christian von Doom was an evil plastic surgeon from Latveria who coveted Phuck's breast implants for his very own. He was vanquished with a sprig of mistletoe cut 'neath a full moon with a silver sickle, and a malpractice lawsuit.
The See-erh? (Big black Momma) A powerful big black woman who could see lots of things and based her life on Oprah. Hobbies included stealing pregnant women's babies and flirting with Christian von Doom. She was also seen numerous times trying to fit in with the Charmed Ones, but they told her she wasn't skanky enough. She later commited suicide by burning herself with a curling iron.
Smarmy British Twat was Lon Chaney Jr Jr's friend and mentor, who betrayed him and tried to murder his children because of a feud over a tie that he lent him 15 years ago and never got back. Even though Lon Chaney Jr Jr offered to buy him any tie he liked up to a value of $29.95 to make up for it, in the end violence was the only solution, and Smarmy British Twat was shot down like a dog by state troopers in the lobby of a Texas movie theater. His last words were, "Fuck, oh fuck, aaargh."
The Aviators Flew around in planes looking mysterious. No one knew whether they were good or evil. No one cared either. Eventually vanquished/taken out of show due to budget cuts.
Billie Chrisssssty were two sisters who didn't know how to spell. They have all the powers because they stole all the Charmed Ones' powers and the only word they know how to speak is "word". But they don't use that often. They're blonde. They enjoy threesomes and orgy's with the Charmed Ones leading them to move into their brothel.
Besides how many time they have to go shopping for furniture they always destroy summat.
[edit] Controversy
The show has come under repeated attack by Christians for portraying witchcraft, bestiality and not showing nearly enough snatch, and from Wiccans for making them look like a bunch of ugly-ass, wittering morons. The season 47 episode 'Dear God, Will This Shitfest Never End?' drew criticism from Michael Moore for an extended graphic dream sequence of Phuck taking a glistening faceful from President George W Bush in an Oval Office bukkake session, on the grounds that it should have been him releasing his silver seed over her eager face instead.
In Season 27222 of the show, the actress who played Phuck Heebiejeebie passed away. In the following seasons, they cast Brian Peppers as Phuck Heebiejeebie and yet somehow no one noticed. Critics speculate that this is because Phuck and the other girls are all uglier (and smellier) then donkey shit.
