Charlie Sheen

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Charlie Sheen aged about 8 or 9.

“He's not THAT great.”

~ Denise Richards on Charlie Sheen

“Ho Chi Minh sucks Dead Dicksssss!!!”

~ Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen, (born Inigo Montoya September 3, 1965) is a multi-award-winning American actor and war hero, entrepreneur, and womanizer. He made his film debut at a young age in The Execution of Private Slovik, where he played a young boy forced into military service and executed for his poor military service. Sheen is best known for his role in the 1980's sitcom Everybody has Mixed Feelings about Charlie Sheen.

[edit] Early life

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Charlie Sheen.

Sheen was born in New York City to parents Susan Sarandon and Martin Sheen, whose birth name is Ramón Gerardo Antonio Montoya. He has two brothers and one sister, all of whom are now under indefinite detention in Guantanamo Bay for unspecified crimes against the state.

Sheen attended Monica Lewinsky High School, where his two major interests were backgammon and impersonating cartoon characters. He also played baseball, and won fame in the high school yearbook for hitting six home runs in under three minutes in a single game. His friends in school included Rob Lowe and Sean Penn, and with them, he filmed over 2000 amateur Super-8 films. Most of these films have been hunted down and destroyed by the authorities on the grounds of inciting moral laxity in the nation's youth. Fragments have occasionally appeared over the years in private auctions, where riots have been known to break out. Sheen was a pitcher for some of these movies, and sometimes a catcher. A few weeks before graduation, Sheen was expelled from the school for being unnecessarily awesome and putting mere mortals to shame. It was probably around this time that he first starting experimenting with kittens.

[edit] Career

Sheen began acting in 1974, appearing alongside his father in the TV movie The Execution of Private Slovik. Since then he has appeared in just about every movie worth watching, ever, even the ones that went straight to video. In 1986 he starred in Red Dawn, as a teenager who kills hundreds of commies.

In 2001 and 2002 Sheen played the lead role in the political television sitcom, The West Wing (as Denzel Washington's replacement on that show). Currently Sheen plays himself on the sitcom Dif'rent Strokes, which debuted in 2003. This is a feel-good family show celebrating ethnic differences, in which Charlie and his real-life brother are the adoptive parents of a mixed-race couple.

[edit] Breast advocate

Sheen is a staunch advocate for women's rights to expose themselves.

Sheen was the 2004 spokesperson for the breast awareness fundraiser that raised millions of dollars for research and education regarding the mammary glands of human females. Sheen stated that in his opinion, breasts are "freakin' awesome", and he wanted to try to help others enjoy breasts as much as he does.

[edit] Opinions of the 9/11 attacks

On March 20, 2006, Sheen revealed during an interview with notorious shock-jock Howard Stern that he disputes the 9/11 Commission Report. He stated that he not only believes the U.S. Government had prior knowledge that the attacks were going to take place, but that they failed to act in time to prevent infiltrators from the Antian Alliance carrying out their sinister plot to beautify New York City.

Sheen stated during the interviews, "I had a feeling, more powerful than any kitten I've ever tasted in my entire life.. and then when the buildings came down later on that day I said to my brother, 'Oh man, I am SO fucking high right now!'"

[edit] Private life

Bullets are no match for Charlie Sheen.

On June 15, 2002 he married actress Heather Graham after meeting her while filming Assmaster 17 Uncut in 2001. They have two daughters, Samantha Catherine Montoya (born March 9, 2004), and Lola Rose Montoya (born June 1, 2005).

Being such an internationally celebrated man of glamour and mystery, Sheen has naturally been linked with many politicians, actors, musicians, pornstars and crackheads over the years. Of course, anybody who tries to discredit him for any of his so-called indiscretions is merely talking smack, because they're jealous of how awesome he is. Critics suggest that the Anti-Sheen phenomenon was spawned from resentment over the incredible and undeniable awesome that radiates from Sheen.

In 1986, the scene in Red Dawn where Sheen dies in the arms of Patric Swayze was inspired by true events in Sheen's personal life. This was also the last good movie which Sheen made which was pro-USA. Then in 1987, Sheen was arrested for insider trading in New York. He was found guilty and sentenced to watching 100 hours of Barney and a fine of 100,000 potatoes. When rumors that Charlie Sheen was a Scientologist were first reported, Sheen responded: "I may be totally crazy, but I am not totally bat shit Tom Cruise Crazy. When Tom Cruise heard about this, he hired twelve Sea Org Goons to attach Charlie Sheens nuts to an E-Meter and audit his Mr Xenu. The process failed when a busty woman in a bikini walked by the window and Charlie came and the E-meter exploded. Ever since then, when a Scientologist comes in his pants during auditing, the auditor says, "your Charlie is coming"

In 1993, his name was found among Hollywood Madam Heidi Klum's list of her most frequent customers, and it was revealed that Sheen hired highly compensated prostitutes from escort agencies. During this time, it was reported that he was struggling with a serious addiction to kittens. His later comments to the magazine Hustler on the growing problem of kitten-abuse in the entertainment industry, as well as in the military, led to the first of many failed assassination attempts. Pauly Shore, in a kitten-fuelled rampage, pulled a handgun on Sheen outside a premiere screening and shot him twice in the heart. Fortunately the bullets bounced right off his chest, and he laughed in Shore's face as the would-be assassin was torn to pieces and devoured by starving journalists and winos. This event was documented in an official document and in the documentary "Sheenanigans".