Charles Nelson Reilly
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“Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man, the kind of man you'd never disrespect.”
~ Weird Al Yankovic on Charles Nelson Reilly
“Charles Nelson Reilly... never heard of him. Poor bugger.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Charles Nelson Reilly
“What a pain in the blank!”
~ Brett Sommers and Gene Rayburn (you know, from the Match Game?) on Charles Nelson Reilly
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| Order: | 37th President | |
| Vice President: | David Letterman | |
| Term of office: | 1971 – 1993 | |
| Preceded by: | Tom Cruise | |
| Succeeded by: | Bill Clinton | |
| Date of birth: | 1910 | |
| Place of birth: | Alabama | |
| First Lady: | Truman Capote | |
| Political party: | Predacon Party | |
Charles Nelson Reilly (1910-2007) was the 37th President of the United States. He succeeded Tom Cruise in 1971, shortly before The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975, during which he achieved notoriety when he knocked 17 candidates unconscious by hitting them with his purse. He had previously achieved fame as the inventor of the lie detector, creator of Wonder Woman, and arch-nemesis to Brett Somers.
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[edit] Presidency
During his tenure as president, Reilly was famous for smoking an enormous pipe and blowing smoke in the face of then-Soviet Premier Anatoly Karpov. This brought the world to the brink of World War III, which was eventually cancelled due to budget overruns and decreasing interest in second sequels. Other initatives included mandatory wearing of ascots for adult men and an ambitous nationwide education reform program, called If the Little Snots Don't Listen, Feel Free to Beat the Shit Out of Them.
[edit] Involvement in The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975
Reilly was highly involved in the war and its escalation, ordering raids of Liberal Hideouts and air strikes against Cruise's support network. His leadership shown during the war was famous and received bipartisan support. This was perhaps because of the constant death threats his Administration made against the Decepticon Party.
[edit] Death and Reincarnation
Three weeks into his first Presidential term, Reilly was assassinated by a deranged earthquake. Even as his life hung in the balance, he joked with doctors and remained in good spirits. However, the earthquake caused irreparable damage to his glasses, and he died of ensuing complications. The nation mourned his passing. Congress acted quickly to pass legislation mandating his reincarnation.
[edit] End of Presidency
His tenure ended unexpectedly when challenged to an thumb wresting match by a unknown rust-repairer called Bill Clinton.
[edit] Retirement and Later Life
After his humiliating defeat, Reilly retired to a state of utter disgrace (Wisconsin) where he devotes his time to his hobbies, macrame, offering accreditation to Brigham Young University, kitten huffing, and pulling the wings off of sparrows.
If you come across Riley in the wild, back away slowly and call for assistance. Do Not Run! This will only make him angry.
He has, however, issued several statements since leaving the public eye. Most of which were statements of condemnation towards Bill Clinton, who Reilly saw as turning back the clock to the days of Tom Cruise.
He also commented on the Nike Revolution, expressing extreme disappointment.
He occasionally suffocates those who huff glade bottles with his hairpiece.
In 2006 He moved to New York City to a room in the World Trade Center
| Preceded by: Tom Cruise | President of the United States 1971-1993 AD | Succeeded by: Bill Clinton |
