Charlemagne

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Charlemagne était empereur des Romains et roi parmi les Francs saliens. C'était le fils de Pépé de Peu.
Charlemagne ("the K3WL")
King of the Franks, Holy Roman Emperor
Charlemagne
Charlemagne, preparing for battle.
Left hand: Sovereign's Orb.
Right hand: Looks like sword, but scientists disagree about the use of this particular subject.
Reign 768 - 814
Born 742, but 748 when he was "on the pull"
Somewhere in Western Europe
Died 814
Not Rome
Predecessor None, Holy Roman Emperor was an entirely original title!
Successor Squabbling siblings
Consort some lucky ladies and faggots
Issue IP issues with the Byzantine Empire
Father Pepe le Peu
Mother A Cat, or something
“Holy Roman Emperor, Batman!”
~ Robin on Charlemagne

Charlemagne (also known as Charles Le Mange for his nasty skin condition) was King of the Franks, King of the Lombards and Holy Roman Emperor between 768-814. He has a prize named after him by the European Union for 'fostering greater understanding at a time when everything was pretty dark'. He is regarded as a hero to the French, a mighty Teutonic warrior for the Germans and...a big fat 'Who He?' for everyone in Great Britain.

Charlemagne was a fluent speaker of many languages, he could read (apparently) but was unable to write his name. His scrawl when asking for the hand of the Empress Irene in Constantinople so that the old halves of the Roman Empire could be re-united were said to have left that imperial court in a fit of giggles for a entire month. Charlemagne would later respond to a war with 'those crafty Greeks' but his handwriting remained illegible. This probably suited the Catholic Church very much because, like Microsoft, they had a monopoly in Applied Bullshit. and would merrily run rings around Charlemagne for his entire reign. In exchange, they turned a blind eye to the King-Emperor's numerous wives and a chamber full of concubines. What he delivered for the Papacy was more people to worry about their eternal souls (i.e. forced baptisms), a war against the Muslims in Spain and a defender against the Byzantine Empire who had always considered the Pope - and Rome - part of their inheritance.

Origins

Charlemagne - or just 'Charles' as he was known before he changed it, was in France in about 742 A.D. to Pepin the Short, Lord Mayor of 'Francia'. How short Pepin was when the average height for Europeans was 5 feet suggests he was in fact a midget. This was strange considering his father, the soldier general Charles Martel was said to have been 7 feet tall in his wooly socks and indeed Charlemagne himself was said to be well over 6 feet too. Anyway, Charlemagne's father was a shorty but evidently one with some tricky-clever ideas. He was a 'Frankenweenie'.

At this historical point, Charlemagne wasn't even a prince or the heir to a throne. Pepin had all the actual power like former American Vice President Dick Cheney but the man who was supposed to be king was 'Dubya' Childeric III. Pepin was reluctant to move against the useless Childeric for sound religious reasons. As anyone who has read their Authorised Dan Brown, Childeric was the direct blood descendant of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdelene. To therefore depose Childeric would require some other reason.

Holy Roman Emperor

Charlemagnecrown

Charlie being crowned Emperor by the Pope, much to the annoyance of the cowboy (right) who had wanted to do it. As you can see, all assembled are extremely happy at this momentous occasion. Afterwards, they all jumped into the swimming pool dressed only in their underwear. Except the cowboy, who sulked off into the sunset, muttering about "That goldurned Papal varmint".

Charlemagne was famously crowned Roman Emperor by the Pope on Christmas Day 800 AD. In return, Charlemagne gave the pope a wooden stick with a cross on top and a satsuma.

The Emperor often wore the crown in the bath and when "on the job."

He invented a new calender, based on how much time was left before the sinking of the Titanic. This was one of his many doomsday time measurement creations, the other one being that clock that measures how long the world will continue to exist based on nuclear weapons.

As a man

He was known as a menacing and brutal warlord, Charlemagne proved an adroit military tactitian of the "French" forces. Inspiring his troops and charismatically leading the charge, he perfected the technique of turning tail. If backed into a corner, his soldiers more than rose to the occasion under his leadership. Rather than cower upon the ground in the manner of the common sissy, they implemented the technique of dropping weapons and raising both arms in a single fluid motion. Despite this astounding methodology, his wife left him for an elderly blind cripple she claimed was seven times the man he was. What hogwash- the cripple was eight times the man he was.

Death

Charlemagne05

Charlemagne (R) as a character witness for the baptism of a heathen.

Charlemagne died at the age of One hundred and nine. His left hand was buried in his crypt at the cathedral in Aachen, Germany, while the rest of his remains were later used to create the pyramid-headed monster in the "Silent Hill" film adaption. Nevertheless, a great stone effigy was commissioned and thereby constucted dans "les jardins de Paris." The final piece stands as firmly rooted as the vast and trunkless legs of Ozymandias. You see, Charlemagne sits astride a horse rearing up upon its hind legs, a sword at his side and a pike in his fist. Fantastically standing to either side are the images of war-beaten faces, emotionless and staring emptily into the distance. A gilded plaque stands at the foot of this enormous tribute. "HERE LIES NAPOLEON, FAMED CONQUEROR" The latter was a honorous tribute in fond tribute of the righteous deeds of France's many fallen heroes, a term sononymous with prisoners of war. FUBAR!

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