From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews...but are the synagogue of Satan.”
It's Christmas, and right now you're experiencing all the joys of the season. You're decorating the tree with the children, singing songs, baking goodies, taking out a second mortgage on your home to afford all that crap you bought at the mall, and reflecting on the miracle that was the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!
Enjoy it while you still can.
Soon this all will come to an abrupt end. There are those out there who are planning destruction to Christmas, our religion, our culture and everything we hold dear. No, I'm not talking about liberals and their War on Christmas. This is much, much worse. Hold on to your Santa hats.
This, my friends, is the Chanupocalypse!
It's been in the works for thousands of years! The Chanupocalypse (alternatively spelled Hanupocalypse, Hannupocalypse, Chanypocalypse, Hannapokkulips or שטויות) is the name given to the Jews' plot to conquer humanity and establish a New World Order, all during the festival they call Hanukkah.
Hanukkah means "dedication." The story of Hanukkah is about the Jewish peoples' rededication of the Second Temple in Jerusalem. At one point, Israel was controlled by the Greeks. King Antiochus eliminated all traces of Judaism and forced the Jews to worship the Greek gods. In true Communist fashion, the Jews revolted against the prominent white culture. They formed an army, soon to be led by Judah the Maccabbee, literally meaning "the Hammer," only missing the accompanying sickle. The outnumbered, yet determined, Jews overthrew the Greeks and reclaimed the temple in the name of their queer Jew god. During the rededication process, an oil lamp was lit. Despite only having enough oil to last one night, the lamp light miraculously shone for eight nights.
A beautiful tale of struggle for religious freedom, right? Guess again. Notice you won't find this story in the Bible. That's because it is 100% BULLCRAP.
Hanukkah was invented for one and only one reason: To ruin Christmas. It's the Anti-Christmas. Not satisfied with merely killing Jesus, the Jews want to steal His birthday celebration. Notice the central theme of the Hanukkah story: Removal of Gentile influence. Jews are separatists. Do you think Jews want to share the "holiday" season with us? No! They want domination! The Hanukkah story is nothing more than a way for them to indoctrinate their children to be militant Jews, so that they may one day steal your children in the middle of the night while they dream of dancing sugar plums. Only by overturning the establishment of Christmas can they destroy Western Civilization and capitalism.
Now, the period before Christmas is known as Advent, when we symbolically prepare for the Coming of our Lord. The Bible tells us that before Christ returns, there will be Hell on Earth ruled by Satan incarnate, the Antichrist. Here's the Jew cue! Not believing in Jesus as the Son of God, they are preparing for the first coming of the Messiah to overcome the world for Israel. Many Jews are moving to the "homeland" right now for their own nationist imperialist purposes - the movement known as Zionism. Little do they know they're playing right into Satan and God's Master Plan. There are plans to rebuild Solomon's temple for the Messiah's triumphant entry as we speak. Just as God made his Creation in seven days, the devil will establish his kingdom in eight. During the rededication ceremony, i.e. the Final Hanukkah, the Antichrist will declare himself the Great Peacemaker and Ruler of the World. This is when the real religious persecution begins. Out with Jesus, in with Lucifer!
The whole thing is being brilliantly crafted by an elite society.
Yes, Hollywood. The Jewish Mecca. Where all the most famous brainwashing propaganda is manufactured and presented to the gullible masses. While it is tempting to label all Hollywood celebrities part of the evil elite, surely there are good soldiers within the system. Mel Gibson has showed he's fighting the good fight, while Walt Disney, may he freeze in peace, was an angel among men. Like that man Schindler, or Sandler, or whatever his name was, I've taken upon myself to devise a list of all Jews and Jew-enablers. So far it's incomplete. I might have to write one or two more lists in the future.
Examples include David Lee Roth, James Caan, Kirk Douglass, and the late Dinah Shore. There were all seen together at Carnagie Deli years ago with Bowser from Sha-Na-Na and Arthur Fonzarelli. The Carnagie Deli is just one of the many favorite spots for Zionist meetings. Another is aboard the Starship Enterprise with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock - both Jewish. As dimensional travelers from the 23rd century of a parallel universe, Kirk and Spock need a one-world-government simply to exist in their current form. After all, no Federation, no Enterprise missions. These extraterrestrial ties lead me to believe the Church of Scientology was in on it as well, but this hypothesis has ultimately left me dead in the water. The only sliver of evidence I can find is the rumor that Tom Cruise's agent is Jewish. I did, however, find a real alien connection - which I'll get to in due time.
My observations further proved that O.J. Simpson is definitely not a Jew, although his fantastic lawyer had to be. At one point in my research I suspected the old wealthy 1800s London banker Ebenezer Scrooge might have been one of the elites, until I read in his biography that he gave most of his fortune to charity before he died. Very un-Jewlike.
They're the most genetically superior Jews on Earth. Combining their DNA would be perfect for the Antichrist. To fool the world into submission, you need a fine lookin' Jew!
For centuries, the Jews have searched and bred their best stock in preparation for the Antichrist, until they finally settled on Paul Newman and Goldie Hawn, the very pinnacles of Jewish achievement. Unfortunately for them, the two are now too old to procreate.
Enter the Raëlians.
THE RAËLIAN MOVEMENT IS A-
The Raëlian Movement is a UFO religion founded by Frenchy Claude Vorihon, now known as Raël. Basically, they're a new form of dirty, nasty, smelly hippies, only they might actually accomplish something.
On December 13, 1973, 12 days before Christmas, Raël was first abducted by aliens known as the Elohim, the Hebrew word for "God" and "gods." The leader of the Elohim and supposed creator of humankind is ..wait for it.. Yahweh.
Now you know the truth. The Jewish god is an alien overlord.
This is where I think the Hollywood Scientologists might play a role. Hypothetically, they want Yahweh to overturn Xenu's galactic empire. The Jews, however, would rather stay the course in the plan to ruin Christmas by making their god out to be like Santa Claus.
Yahweh claimed to have spoken to all the major prophets of history, including Moses, Buddha, our own Jesus, that towel-head Muhammad, and Mormon fruit basket Joseph Smith. Raël was made the successor to all the greats; the prophet of the Third Millennium. Does this make him the Antichrist, you ask?
Of course not. He's French. He does, however, serve as the Antichrist's forerunner. An anti-John the Baptist, if you will. The Elohim explained to Raël that they created humans 25,000 years ago with their own DNA. Based of this principle, Raëlians are advocates of human cloning, believing it to be the key to eternal life, John 3:16 be damned. A company known as Clonaid was fromed by Raël to further this goal.
At this point it starts to all tie together. Raëlians want a world-wide government system of "humanitarianism" and "economic cooperation," known as Geniocracy. Meanwhile, the Raëlian Embassy for Extraterrestrials wants to welcome the return of their cosmic scientists with a grand new temple in Israel. The followers of traditional Judaism where opposed to this at first, since Jews are never, ever ones to share anything. However, getting desperate with their own plans, a secret compromise was made. The Jews will give the Raëlians the right to build the Third Temple in return for Clonaid to engineer the Paul Newman/Goldie Hawn freak baby.
At Christmas 2002, Clonaid announced they successfully cloned the first human, Eve. Unfortunately, they soon realized there was no way the world would accept a woman as its ruler. Embarrassed, they ate the baby rather than presenting her to the public as promised. Starting over from scratch, the next child, a male, was born on the following Hanukkah, and has since been kept hidden from the world until the big day, the Final Hanukkah.
Once the Judeo-Raëlian-Fascist New World Order is established, we'll all be Judaized through genetic engineering and forced to cross breed with aliens to create the Master Race.
Is it retarded, or is it eugenics at its finest?
Yes. What is your point?
That's exactly what the Jews want you to believe.
The Jews, you see, are sub-human. They might be intelligent, but they lack every other quality needed to overcome the human race, even the most genetically superior Jew with half-Gentile DNA. The Antichrist needs to be a man of strength to rule the world with an iron fist. Thus, Clonaid has genetically engineered the child to have extraterrestrial genes, thus making him superior to even the White Race. It's the best of both worlds for them: All the power of a god-alien with all the soulessness of a Jew.
This bastard child is a half-human, unearthy being, conceived and born in the most unnatural way!
Uh... I guess that's technically true, but Jesus is Jesus.
That's exactly what the Jews want you to believe.
Oh, you poor deluded soul, believing such blasphemous kike propaganda. Don't you think I, a devout Christian in my Identity, know what's in the Bible? Everyone from Adam to St. John who wasn't a child of the devil was as white as Frosty the Snowman. The Jews want you to believe they are the descendants of the God's Chosen People, but they're so backwards they don't even know they're worshipping freaking E.T.!
I have mixed feelings about them. I hate that they're promoting the idea that Jews can be for Jesus, which is an oxymoron equivilent to jumbo shrimp, Microsoft Works and Jewish charity. However, I'm happy for an organization of Gentiles trying to convert Jews away from the dark side. A literal Mission Impossible, I know, but you have to admire them for their efforts.
A bigot? Bah! I'm simply proud of my planet, and I don't want any big-nosed "golds" or "steins" to ruin it! I don't know where you're getting bigotry from that. Perhaps you're confused about my Halloween party? When all my friends and I dressed up as a ghosts? See, the Jews want you to believe it was a Klan meeting, and that it wasn't an accident when the cross on my lawn caught on fire. (They also want you to believe it wasn't Halloween.)
That's exactly what the Jews...
...want you to believe.
...and the ancient Mayans.
Indeed, I'd be praying at this point as well.
The noble Mayans foresaw this whole thing. Though they were savages, they were very advanced in astronomy. Once they built a working Stargate, they traveled the cosmos to further their studies. Soon, they stumbled onto the Elohim and chronicled all their secrets. As it turns out, the Elohim have created and destroyed our world several times in the past.
I have my sources. Now shut up and let me finish.
Anywho, the Elohim caught on to the fact that the Mayans were spying on them, and subsequently sent Kirk and Spock through the Stargate to annihilate them and all their writings. Luckily, we have their surviving calendar, which ends on the date the Elohim will descend to Earth: December 21st, 2012 - the Winter Solstice, to be exact, another ancient celebration stealing the thunder away from Christmas. Do you think that this is some weird coincidence? Nope!
One day of Apocalypse? Hell no! We have seven and a half craaazy years!
Oh, you'll believe it when you're forced to bow down to the Great Menorah. You'll see it with your own eyes when when the global economic system is run by elite bankers playing dreidel, and the international currency is gelt. You'll wish you heeded my warning when worldwide starvation leaves you with nothing to eat but dry latkes. You'll be sorry you didn't listen when everyone is rounded up to be circumsised by aliens.
You don't need to read the Book of Daniel to see the writing on the wall.
No. I don't think so.
Oh yeah, yarmulkes. You know, those religious hats that look like flying saucers? Jews have them built into their skulls. They use them to read our minds.
That's exactly what the Jews want you to believe!
Just stay calmukah. There's no need for alarmukah. Load up on firmarmukahs. Don't listen to Obamakah, and for the love of God, don't ever, ever, ever, ever celebrate Hanukkah.
It's Merry Christmas, buttwipe! Er, I mean...
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.