Channel 31

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Channel 31 is a Melbourne (Australia) community/public access station that started in 1993 as a channel to show the trots. By trots we don't mean horse races, we mean it was a health program to aid those suffering from constipation. The channel once broadcast some great TV programming, that was seen by a total of 5 people who thought it was not a bad show and that a real television station should pick up the show so that someone might actually be able to see it. Such great shows where once seen like Champagne Comedy and... well... Ok, so there is one decent show. The rest is compiled of a bunch of lame shit that should be against the law for anyone to allow something so fucking crap to be seen on TV.

edit Programming

Channel 31 brings you 24/7 broadcasting displeasure each day, jam packed with boring shows hosted by losers you will not want to watch. Viewing is known to cause a sudden bowl movement come on if you try to watch Channel 31 for more than then 5 minutes per day. The only other successful program ever to be shown on 31 was the Logi Award winning "Fish Cam". An off the air screen saver where instead of showing a test pattern, they showed a live feed of a fish tank. It beat out the SBS test pattern and killed Burt Newton's Family Feud in the ratings.

edit Champagne Comedy

Champagne Comedy is a program that allowed stand up comics to finally stand up, and show an audience just how hard they can bomb out on stage. The show occasionally would be alright when the likes of Chris Franklin & Dave O'Neil where on. However more often than not audiences where forced to watch a douche-bag who does a joke about the hole in the bucket, a faggot in a top hat and cane who produced the show, and a very non dangerous object juggling act. For the most part, Champagne Comedy was a program that should have been put out of it's misery years before it stopped and left to run repeats of the few successful airings it had where audience members actually laughed.

More often then not, the 3 best acts of the 20 on the night where shown on the TV airing the following week, which makes you wonder, if these 3 are the best, then being in the audience must have been so bad that the main sponsors of the show must have been The suicide prevention line as no reported deaths have been pointed at the show thus far.

edit The Comic Box

This show is hosted by a middle aged, balding carpet muncher who is trying to look 15 by wearing colorful wigs and goth clothing. She has no comic talent what-so-ever, and if anyone ever finds anything she says funny, they need to check into a rehab program, and if you find her in the slightest way sexy, then you should amputate your own dick, or de-vein your snatch with a clam knife if you are female. The ugly bitch has a co-anchor, some shy little pimple faced asian who just twists her hair around her index finger, smiles embarrassingly and thinks to herself, "I think I will hitch a ride back to my own fucked up country if this shit is the best Australia has to offer, before I kill myself". These two dykes interview supposed comedians and ask the important questions like "How is the weather" and "Do you think I should join a euthanasia program?".

edit Fish Cam


Live broadcast recording of C-31 Fish Cam, Can you spot Waldo/Wally?

During the first 10 years of Channel 31, the station was not broadcasting 24/7, it went off air around midnight most nights, and unlike other stations that go off air and show test patterns, 31 showed a fish cam! It was a live feed of an aquarium tank that gave celebrity status to many a marine life.

Ratings for this broadcast skyrocketed, and Channel 31 was beating out the SBS weather forecast to become the 3rd least watched program after midnight next to the Jay Leno show on Channel 10.

Viewers could enjoy a fish-tank cam on their televisions from around the hours of 12am to 11pm each day along with a soundtrack of local artists and talentless musicians who could pay a fee of 9 cents to have their unsuccessful albums played as background music to the fish cam. Most viewers, however, muted the broadcast.

Fish Cam gave way to many controvertible moments, such as the shocking broadcast of Jerry The Goldfish broadcast for days floating upside down, dead! This broadcast shocked viewers and several people alike, including women and children who witnessed the broadcast & had to receive ongoing counseling.

The broadcast of that event put Fish Cam's future in jeopardy, and although broadcasts were no longer sent out live, it was decommissioned by 1 old fart and the Fish Cam was pulled from the air.

edit Fish Cam Lives On in Viewers Hearts on DVD

From Parcllub home movies comes all your favorite classic Fish Cam moments! Such as when the yellow fish swam past the blue one, when the gold fish was in his castle, and when the sad moment that shocking footage of the controversial death of Jerry is a hidden bonus feature, Glorious!!! Fully digitally restored with crystal clear waters surround sound, playable on any DVD player. And also available on VHS, Laser disc, commodore64 and when ordering ask about our free down-loadable backgrounds for your mobile/cell phone. You can purchase the "Tribute To Fish Cam" at all leading Channel 31 outlets and wherever good bootlegs are sold.


DVD Features

  • - New Digitally remastered footage!
  • - Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound and DTS surround sound (THX coming soon)
  • - Both Widescreen 2:35:1 and Full Screen Flip Side discs.
  • - Fully Animated Menu's
  • - 9 Featurette's
  • - Directors cut footage
  • - Audio Commentary
  • - Behind The Scenes water changing and feeding time.
  • - English / French /Spanish / Bullshitish / Foolish Subtitles
  • - Closed Captions English: for the hearing impaired
  • - Image Gallery
  • - Story Board Comparison
  • - TV Spots + Trailers
  • - Deleted Minutes
  • - Cast and Crew Biography's
  • - Scene Access
  • - The Dangers of the deep blue tank
  • - Bloopers, Blops and Poopy shots
  • - Original Trailers + Non Original Trailers
  • - Alternate Scenes
  • - Which fish did you eat last night game
  • - Digital replacement of lost Jabba The Hut Scenes
  • - Tuna in da puss-puss trivia game
  • - Royal Flush: Disposing of dead fish.
  • - Where Are They Now? Flounders trip to the fish & chip shop home video.
  • - Playable on ALL regions
  • - Limited Edition cover case (only 5 billion will be made, hurry while stocks outlast)

Scene from "Flushing Nemo"

Fish and chips

Image taken from the bonus feature "Where are they now?"

Order Yours Today
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Channel 31.

Order now for our crazy price of just $400,000,000,000 plus postage and handling.
How can you resist this great offer? BUY NOW! While stocks last!!!
All major credit cards excepted. or ring 1800-0055-69-Parcllub,
lines are open 24 hours a day, from 10am to 5pm all week, from Monday to Friday except Thursday's.
If you would like a Fax sheet, ring 1800-69-69-69 and ask for Bambi.
$25.95 per minute, higher rates from mobile/cell phones and public urinals.

Or simply just write to us at....

Parcllub Fish Cam DVD
69 Melrose Drive, PleasantVille
Crystal Lake, Atlantis, Earth 90210
Ph: 1800-007-69-0055

Return Policy If you are not satisfied with your purchase, simply return your product in a heft bag, turn the thing sideways and stick up straight up your ass. Cause we don't do refunds, but why would you want to return this fabulous DVD offer? Its that easy!

  • Note: Do not operate DVD if drowsiness or death occurs.

This advert was not paid for by Channel 31 in hopes you will donate money to us... we swear... no, like, we're from, umm... Channel 32, or something. Yeah, a completely different station all together! Yup, no lies there. We didn't hack this page to advertise our stuff. Ok. Good. Thank you.

edit Channel 31 Today

These days the station is still running, however it's only audiences is those of the university community whom film shitty amateur videos and feel the need to torture the public by paying to have them broadcast after the hours of 10pm when Channel 31 is finished playing relics from the 1940's. The most fun you can have viewing this channel is to imagine the look on a 90 year old's face at 9:30 when they enjoy an airing of "Ye Ole River Yankee Ragtime Paddle Steamer" (1923) to "Shit World" (2013). However watching either show has the same effect on your bowels.

The glory day's of Channel 31's late 90's viewing with Fish Cam and Champagne comedy are long gone and forgotten. There are some whom hope Fish Cam will reemerge from the depths, tho the same can't really be said for the later program. But no one can take the goal away from Channel 31 that they started out to give you the shits, and have continued to do so ever since.

Should you find yourself in Melbourne (unless you live there already) then make sure before checking into a hotel/motel, that the TV's have been set up to avoid seeing Channel 31 so you can enjoy your pleasant stay.

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