Chairman Mao's Magic Wok

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Chairmanmaomagicwokposter

Theatrical release poster

Taglines: "When America needs a hero, we know where to look!", "In Reagan we trust!"
Writer J.J. Abrams
Starring
Producer J.J. Abrams
Director J.J. Abrams
Runtime 115 minutes
Language English
Distributed by Disney
Budget $170 million
World Gross $681,471,392
Released May 10th 2014
Followed By Ronald Reagan in Space (Summer 2016)

Chairman Mao's Magic Wok is a 2014 American, adventure film. It stars Richard Dean Anderson in the leading role as Ronald Reagan, an aged former President of the United States, who is transported into the year 2014 by the US Government to track down a powerful "Magic Wok" that formerly belonged to Chairman Mao. The Magic Wok produces mind altering Egg Fried Rice that brainwashes whomever eats it, and makes them susceptible to the will of whoever owns the Magic Wok. Reagan is assisted on his quest by former Presidents Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon, Gordon Brown the former Prime Minister of the UK, and well known television nutritionist Gillian McKeith. Reagan must reach the Magic Wok before Vladimir Putin, who is own his own quest to find the wok, and wishes to travel back in time to the 1960's with it, in order to brainwash Americans into adopting Communism, so that the Soviet Union will win the Cold War. Due to the American, and Russian governments tampering with the Space-Time Continuum by transporting people forward in time, various other characters from history are accidentally transported into the future, including Owain Glyn Dŵr, a 15th century Welsh ruler and rebel leader. Other characters from history to appear in the movie include Malcolm X, and Jesus Christ, these characters either help or hinder Reagan's quest to find the Magic Wok.

edit Cast

  • Richard Dean Anderson - Ronald Reagan
  • Mike Myers - Richard Nixon
  • Brent Spiner - Bill Clinton
  • Bruce Willis - Vladimir Putin
  • Gillian McKeith - as herself
  • Sam Neil - Gordon Brown
  • Mel Gibson - Joseph Stalin
  • Christopher Lee - Grigori Rasputin
  • Liam Neeson - Vladimir Lenin
  • Samuel L. Jackson - Barack Obama
  • Sean Bean - Owain Glyn Dŵr
  • Ben Stiller - Jesus Christ
  • Lawrence Fishburne - Malcolm X
  • Danny Devito - Napoleon Bonaparte
  • Jackie Chan - Chairman Mao

edit Tragic Death of Gillian McKeith During Filming

On March 26th 2013, Gillian McKeith collapsed on set whilst shooting a scene for the movie in Pinewood Studios, England. She was taken by ambulance to the Royal Buckinghamshire Hospital in Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire. She was reported in the media to be in a "serious condition", and died 2 days later. It was later determined by the coroner's investigation that Gillian McKeith had died due to interfering with the pH of her stomach. McKeith believed that reducing the acidity of the stomach is beneficial to human health. Unfortunately McKeith did not take into account that she knew nothing about Biology. She managed to reduce the pH of her stomach by eating nothing but Soya Beans, however this meant that her stomach became a perfect environment for Bacteria to thrive in. This resulted in her stomach quickly becoming septic which caused her unfortunate death. As she was no longer alive, McKeith had to be written out of the movie, she was played by her stunt double in a hastily written scene in which she was strangled to death by Grigori Rasputin (Christopher Lee).

edit Plot

In 2014 Barack Obama, is informed that the CIA has intercepted a Russian transmission in which a Russian scientist claims to have discovered new information regarding the location of Chairman Mao's Magic Wok. President Obama quickly decides that Russia cannot be allowed to recover the Magic Wok and use it's power for their own ends. Therefore President Obama assembles a team of the "5 greatest people in history", Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon, Gordon Brown and Gillian McKeith. They are all transported through time to the year 2014, and sent to China to search for the location in which Chairman Mao hid his Magic Wok. Meanwhile Vladimir Putin has assembled his own team consisting of the "4 greatest Russians in history", himself, Vladimir Putin, Joseph Stalin, and Grigori Rasputin. Putin's team also travel to China to find the Magic Wok.

In China, Reagan and his team encounter Owain Glyn Dŵr who claims to have overhead a Chinese person claim that the Magic Wok is being kept safe in an acupuncture clinic in Shanghai. Reagan, Clinton, Nixon, Brown and McKeith, assisted by Glyn Dŵr storm the acupuncture clinic and slaughter everyone inside. Unfortunately Glyn Dŵr is killed when he trips over his cape, falls down the stairs and breaks his neck. The team discover that the Magic Wok is not in the clinic and decide to leave, unfortunately when they exit the building they discover that the Chinese military has surrounded the building and are demanding that they surrender and face trial for the murders of the 87 Chinese people inside the clinic. Reagan and the team refuse and escape after a lengthy car chase. Later that night whilst staying in a hotel, Reagan and Gillian McKeith have sexual intercourse. Clinton and Nixon have a threesome with a Chinese prostitute, Gordon Brown feels left out and threatens to go home.

The team then board a train and travel to Outer Mongolia in Northern China, where they hope to find new leads regarding the location of the Magic Wok. Whilst travelling on the train the team encounter Napoleon Bonaparte, who becomes outraged after Bill Clinton sexually assaults him in a toilet. Napoleon reports Clinton to the authorities and the police board the train and arrest Clinton, who is later sentenced to 10 years of hard labour after being found guilty of rape. The team (minus Clinton) arrives in Outer Mongolia, where they meet Jesus Christ. Jesus tells them that he saw Putin, Lenin, Stalin, and Rasputin enter a cave approximately 10 miles away. Jesus agrees to help them recover the Magic Wok and they travel to the cave. The two teams meet for the first time in the cave, and a gunfight quickly ensues. Stalin is killed after being hit in the neck by a bullet, but before anyone else can be killed the Chinese military arrive, after having tracked down the location of Reagan, Nixon, Brown and McKeith (who are now wanted terrorists). Jesus Christ is apprehended by the Chinese authorities, however Reagan and the rest of the team evade capture once again. Jesus is later sentenced to 30 days in prison after being found guilty of disturbing the peace by discharging a weapon.

The team decide that the only way find the location of the Magic Wok is by breaking into Chairman Mao's former home, and stealing his diary. Unfortunately Putin's team have also had the same idea and once again the two teams encounter each other inside Chairman Mao's former mansion. Gillian McKeith is strangled to death after Rasputin sneaks up behind her whilst the others are arguing. Another gunfight ensues in which Rasputin is shot in the testicles, before being fatally shot in the head by Richard Nixon. Putin decides to call the Police and reveal to them that 4 wanted terrorists are inside the building. The police surround the building but Reagan and Nixon escape, Gordon Brown is captured by the police as he could not run fast enough to escape, he is later executed after being found guilty of terrorism.

Reagan and Nixon track down Putin and Lenin, and follow them to an airport. At the precise moment that Lenin enters the airport, Malcolm X is transported through time due to a disruption in the Space-Time Continuum. Malcolm X immediately becomes outraged when he sees Lenin, and repeatedly stabs him with a knife, accusing him of being "a god damn cracker". Lenin collapses and dies, Putin realises he is now alone and flees into the airport with the diary. He is pursued by Reagan and Nixon, unfortunately as they are running through the airport they are judged to be a security threat and the police open fire on them. Nixon is hit in the chest by a bullet and is killed, Putin realises that the odds are now even and engages Reagan in hand to hand combat. Reagan defeats Putin and takes the diary. Putin falls from a fourth story window, however whether or not this proved to have been fatal is left unanswered. The diary reveals that the Magic Wok is in safe keeping in a Chinese Takeaway in Stockport, Greater Manchester, England. Reagan travels to Stockport where he finds the Magic Wok, it is then taken back to the United States, and stored in Area 51.

edit Reception

Chairman Mao's Magic Wok received mainly negative reviews. The movie was criticised for it's excessive violence, and preposterous plot. A review in the New York Times stated that the film was "Indiana Jones mixed with the Expendables", and "a poor attempt to cash in". The family of Ronald Reagan sued Disney over the inaccurate and offensive portrayal of Reagan in the movie. Rotten Tomatoes gave the movie a score of 39%, criticising the movie for being "confusing, and difficult to follow". Despite poor reviews from critics the movie did well at the Box Office. Chairman Mao's Magic Wok grossed $681,471,392 worldwide, making it the most commercially successful Disney movie of 2014. Due to the commercial success of the movie, Disney intends to release a sequel in the summer of 2016 called "Ronald Reagan in Space".

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