Chairman Mao
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“Shoot, foo! You be's messin' with the wrong sick gangsta homie! Yall's in fo a world o hurt”
~ Senator of Alabama on Well... Everything
“Remember, kids! Starting a cultural revolution can be dangerous!”
~ Smokey the Fire Bear on The Cultural Revolution
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[edit] Chairman Mao
"Mao Yao" is a famous saying created by the infamous Mao Zedong. It translates into the english phrase "do not" or "don't". Commonly used at the local TOKYO PEKING, this phrase has now attracted world wide media attention. Chairman Mao (1893-1976) was a famous poet from the East, credited with the establishment of the single-party socialist republic known as the People's Republic of China. Born as Mao Tse-Tung was the first born of Lol and Lorf Tse-Tung. Disputes after his death about whether he was the legitimate father of Mao Anying are currently being debated in the Party Council, and consensus will probably be reached by 2008. Remember, in the East, people write their last names before the first (after the Great Leap Backwards), so "Chairman Mao" in English would be "Mao of the family Chairman".
[edit] Early Life
Poerty has obviously become an art form that many have learned to be-little or 'make fun of'. This horrible form of bullying was carried into the life of Mao Zedong. He constantly wrote wonderful forms and sonnets of poetry, based on many images presented later in this text. However, Mao was tortured for his art. He was thrown through windows and rolled down stairs in trash cans. At one time, Mao was scarred for life. Mao had started drinking at 3 in the afternoon and by 12 that bight was completely hammered and passed out laying with his face up. Mao was scarred forever. Mao was born in Hunan Province (we're still talking about Chairman Mao) to Max and Hannah Chairman, two bankers (armchair communists). The rural scenes surrounding him where he grew up inspired him to take up poetry. However, because poetry does not pay well, his traditional Eastern parents forced him to learn hockey. In the East at the time, the Civil Service System was still strong, requiring anyone who wanted a mountable ox that paid more than starvation to pass a test that's, like, at least twice as long and hard as the ones in school these days. Mao failed the test, drawing little "Yuan Shi-kai is a fool instead of essay answers. His parents disowned him, and young Mao took to the hills as one of the East's famous roaming bands of scholar-brigands who beat young travellers up for their lunch money and challenged them to brutal dance offs at the local mall's Dance Dance Revolution machine.
Mao's early life was filled with much confusion. He insisted upon spelling his name "Tse Tung", pronounced say-toung, but his mother preferred the spelling "Zedung" (Chinese for 'the dung' or 'the shit'). This would trouble the great leader in later life, as half of his followers preferred one spelling over the other. (A recent internet poll shows that those who prefer "Zedung" also prefer to use "Catsup" instead of "Ketchup")
[edit] Poetry
Mao's strict Greek and Jewish upbringing instilled in him a great love (whether a normal human urge or not) for 7-11 slurpees and wolf skin coats. Like many young Jews of his time, he set out to rebel against his father's generation by turning to strange and new ideologies that, like the Hebrew faith preached covert subversion of the world's governments. He was drawn to Communism not only by its subversiveness, but also because his favorite poet was ee cummings , well-known as the Orange Poet Laureate. Mao's two most famous works are "New Year's Day" written in 1930, and "Snow" written in 1996. The two poems are translated from the original erotic, vulgar and sick use of vocabulary here:
New Year's Day Ninghua, Qingliu, Guihua -- What narrow paths, deep woods and slippery moss! Whither are we bound today? Straight to the foot of Wuyi Mountain. To the mountain, the foot of the mountain, Red fags stream in the wind in a blaze of glory.
Snow Softly over the fields, and in deep drifts The fine, clean snow buries the bosom of china In a coat of fine and uniform whiteness Just as I, when I retire to my room at night, Do to a tranny peasant hooker from Tudong Province I look upon the snow on a chilly winter's night From my lonely room in the Forbidden City Each snowflake fits with its brothers and sisters Coating the streets of wondrous Beijing While I jack off to bestiality I knew a girl once, with skin like this snow Her eyes shone like a December moon But I, in the heat of my boyish desires Changed December to "30 Days of Mao-ie Wow-ie" And condemned her to die for not blowing me
Revolution (Beatles) You say you want a revolution Well, you know We all want to change the world You tell me that it's evolution Well, you know We all want to change the world But when you talk about destruction Don't you know that you can count me out Don't you know it's gonna be all right Don't you know it's gonna be all right Don't you know it's gonna be all right Ah You say you got a real solution Well, you know We'd all love to see the plan You ask me for a contribution Well, you know We're doing what we can But when you want money For people with minds that hate All I can tell is brother you won't have to wait Don't you know it's gonna be all right Don't you know it's gonna be all right Don't you know it's gonna be all right Ah You say you'll change the constitution Well, you know We all want to change your head You tell me it's the institution Well, you know You better dull you mind instead But if you go carrying pictures of our wonderful Chairman Mao You ain't going to make it with me anyhow Don't you know it's gonna be all right Don't you know it's gonna be all right Don't you know it's gonna be all right Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah All right, all right, all right All right, all right, all right All right, all right, all right Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah All right, all right
[edit] Interpretations
Scholars of Mao's life believe that in his early years as a poet, his love for all-day sex in nature scenes and war metaphors were an outgrowth of his retarded involvement in the Communist "Orange Revolution" following World War V. In contrast, his later trash (work) reflects his disillusion with the country life and his desire for, as the poet himself said, "mad Canadian honeys, yo! Hey, you ever been to Toronto?"
[edit] Other Hobbies, Interests, atrocities, etc.
- Dinner parties and contemporary Chinese art expo's
- Resisting Japanese Racists
- Catching Cats
- Atheism
- Embalment
- Sending the Kuomintang into exile. Can't blame him.
- Propaganda
- Performing frottage with silicone rubber models of Bea Arthur's hands
- Kicking the White Men out of China and brought fear to even Chinese people in Hong Kong
- Teaching racist hate of Japland (next to Lapland)
- Dungeons and Dragons
- Raising Chairman Grue
- Yakov Smirnov Jokes
- His Favorite: " In Communist China, peasants mass murder YOU!!"
- Playing chess with Hitler
- He loves cats and eats them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He's known to snack on kittens too.
- Generally making a mess of whatever he got involved with.
- Photography
- Playing chess with Korean pawns
- Flower Arranging
- Playing PS3
- Shopping for hair
[edit] The Sayings of Chairman Mao
The "Orange Book of the Sayings of Chairman Mao" was all the vogue in the early days of post-Revolution China. Teenager boys would even use lines from the Orange Book to woo teenage girls, even if neither one's family name was Woo.
However, after the Multicultural Revolution which ushered in the De Facto Unbridled Capitalism system, the Orange Book sadly fell into neglect. The "Purple Book of Quatrains" by Oscar Wilde now tops the best-seller lists in China.
Mao’s Famous speech “Spread Legs and The Cultural Revolution a Chinese Women’s Duty”
[edit] Famous Mao Quotes
"Chinese people are not retards, therefore no one should follow me. However, I am one, so that makes every difference in the world" October 1, 1949. Establishment of People's Republic of China speech
"The Great Leap Backward was an absolute success! Only about one million citizens starved to death! Much less than the expected 1.1 billion." Mao after reading the paper on Great Leap Backward
"Communism shall stand as long as the capitalist Twin Towers!" September 11,1970, after realizing the fact that two towers like that existed
"Chinese citizens! Our Communist Party has hope! President Nixon just promised me yesterday that he supports Marxism totally!" April 2, 1982, at Morale Speech
"In Communist China, you don't re-educate peasants, peasants re-educate you! Oh wait, that makes sense..."
"Sing Little Birdy?" Chairman Mao on the popular British gameshow World Forum
"Herro." Chairman Mao when people walk close to him.
"SILENCE! I KILL YOU!" Chairm...no wait, that was Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
"This is a LIE! They all are! It must be censored! Damn capitalists and their freedom of speech..." Mao after reading these quotes.
"China is a part of Taiwan and we all know that."
[edit] The Long March
The Long March was embarked upon by Mao to avoid a long line at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The march took over eighty years and was over thirty thousand miles long. He did things with an elk while on the long march. Terrible things. During the journey he was badly wounded and was briefly involved with a Bucky the wonder elk. The long march ended some time after it began. Ending with some sort of resolving event, like a war or a revolution or something. Just ask your mother I am sure she knows.
[edit] Carrying Pictures of Chairman Mao
While Mao was known to get his share of poontang, attempts to carry his picture as an aphrodisiac were a distinct failure. On the contrary; they actually made it impossible to get laid. As John Lennon of The Beatles noted, "If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow." Mr. Lennon was correct in this assessment since he recently received a lifetime achievement award for "making it" with as large a number of woman as possible.
[edit] Death
Mao surpassed all expectations of longevity, living for more than 150 years. When asked about this remarkable feat, Mao's eyes became glassy and he would give his catchphrase reply, "Political power grows from the barrel of agun." Finally, though, Mao's political enemies caught up with him, and he was attacked by assassins sent by the mysterious Black Lotus sect of Kamigawa monks while touring a Chinese food manufacturing plant outside of San Francisco, CA. After a three-day firefight that caused the death of 247 Kamigawa assassins and more than ten thousand bystanders, along with a heroic attempt to leap the Golden Gate Bridge in a burning hovercraft, Mao finally succumbed to a long-dormant brain tumor. Then, he died. He was said to have been wearing a Che Guevera T-Shirt. When fidel Castro heard the knees, he immetadly went to china to apologese. He arrived at Australia and said he was so sorry. What the he'll r u talking bout mate and he cried himself sick that night,well the whole partyed cause it was spring break.
[edit] Legacy
With time, the genius of Mao Zedong has become manifest. A public devout Communist, he was in reality a closet capitalist. He knew that capitalism would ultimately bring success to his country, but he wanted to set China back 400 years with the Great Leap Backward. Some blame his failures on incontinence, and some on the Gang of Four, but his failures were completely intentional. He wanted to permanently steer his country away from the temptations of Communism. As such, he dedicated his life to bumbling Communism so effectively as to instill a mortal terror of dance dance revolution, chaos, and managed economies into the very heart of the Chinese psyche.
Kim Jong Ill, a well known Mao admirer, ordered the production of the korean-made Ssangyoung Chairman (A recycled mercedes E-class) in 2003. His achievements earned him the Nobel Prize in Killing People. Although sixty million would die in the short run from starvation, ultimately, it would allow China to assume its place as a major world power. Mao Zedong, the Great Visionary, saw this path. He is directly responsible for China's current booming industrial and labor resources market, instilling his place among the greatest of history's leaders.
[edit] Rebirth of Mao
Mao Zedong came back to life in 1992, just a year short of his 143rd birthday. In 1993, Mao Zedong applied for a job at Wolf Camera. He instantly got the job because the employers have been known to prefer Chinese workers. The reason is because Chinese and Japanese like working in camera stores and like to smell the scent of cameras. Mao sold and repaired cameras, but trouble came in 1994. Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and several other political figures stormed into Mao's workplace. This is their conversation:
REAGAN: Chinaman! Come out, now!
MAO: Yeeeess. How may I, the Great Mao Zedong, assist you? Buying a camera, Mr. Reagan?
REAGAN: No, I'm not buying a camera! We're here to teach you a lesson!
MAO: Eh?
CLINTON: Yes, Chinese man. You don't kick us out of Korea. We only wanted to put an end to their quarrel. We would never fight China.
MAO: The hell you wouldn't.
CLINTON: Chinaman, this punishment is 44 years overdue!
MAO: Ah, I believe that YOUR punishment is 44 years overdue!
CLINTON: Is that so?
MAO: Yes, because you planned to nuke us!
CLINTON: Um, well, yes heheh...
MAO: How dare you? Well China is now a SUPERPOWER and you will not wanna fight us now!
Clinton and Mao got in a fistfight, but the SECRET CHINESE RED RESERVE FORCE OF CHINA IN AMERICA appeared with Type 81 assault rifles. Clinton's body guards all died for Clinton, but Clinton himself escaped.
In 1999, Mao quit his job at Wolf Camera and faded into oblivion. Nobody ever saw him again. Some say that he went to work for the People's Republic of China undercover, while others say that he wanted to build a giant statue of himself in the United States. Nevertheless, everyone is on the lookout for him.
- BREAKING NEWS: Mao has made his way into the game of Clue, and the solution to every game in this version (Clue: Mao Version) is Chairman Mao in the big, huge square with the tank engine.
[edit] Discography
- Asian Oprezzian
- Hitler cannot Touch Dis (covers album)
- Bananjorama 3:Asians(compilation album)
- The Peoples Republic of Hip Hop
- Hurt'n Behind the Red Curtain (100 Sad Love songs compilation)
- Curtain Boo
- No More Spiking, Yo? (After the aforementioned lawsuit by Eddie Izzard)
- Chinese Democracy (Never Released due to the sacking of Mao by Axl Rose)
- Chinese Democracy (song) (Alleged to have been proof-read by Mao)
[edit] Selected Filmography
The East is Red
The Red Lantern
Grenade War
Chosin River Valley
Give Me Mao
[edit] See Also
