Chair
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
In philosophy and mathematics, a chair is an idealized three-dimensional object for propping up an idealized three-dimensional human in a comfortable, yet alert, three-dimensional state, three-dimensionally of course.
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History
Ancient Times
Early discoveries in the fields of chairing were made not in science, but in philosophy. One of the most notable of these is the dicovery in 1503 BC, made by the famous philosopher and part-time furniture salesman Isosceles of Crete, using ontological reasoning alone, that argued that there must exist a perfect chair, because if such a chair did not, in fact, exist, it would no longer be perfect (duh!). This argument was so compelling that Plato postulated that the ideal chair was a primary categorical form that resides in Platonic Heaven, and that every single object in the real world must possess a certain degree of chairness, no matter how imperfect.
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The Platonic chair cavorting about in Platonic Heaven
Early Renaissance
The actual scientific investigation of actual chairs, however, began with Galileo, who actually had the nerve to attempt to sit on many objects and record the actual results in actual notebooks.
| Galileo's Test Results (1603) | |
|---|---|
| OBJECT SAT UPON: | RESULT: |
| Wooden floor | uncomfortable; hard to hold sitting position |
| Pillow | quite comfy, but insufficient support for legs and back |
| Nail | painful puncture wound in ass |
| Kitten | minor bite and claw wounds; kitten crushed to death |
| Cooked spaghetti | delightfully squishy, but leaves an awful mess |
| Inclined plane | kept sliding to the bottom; might be OK for kids' playground |
| Pope Leo XI | test subject uncooperative; no results recorded |
| Leaning Tower of Pisa | nice view, but observer suffered extreme attack of acrophobia |
| Tub full of sulfuric acid | slight tingly feeling on ass; then excruciating pain |
| Telescope | kept falling off |
| Pendulum | extreme nausea from incessant rocking motion |
| Toilet | comfortable, but someone forgot to flush |
| Chair | not bad, but could be a tad more comfortable |
| Oscar Wilde | far more comfortable; nice and sof-.... WOAH! No. Hard. And uncomfortable. |
| Chair with pillow | Perfezione! |
The tests were conclusive; only chairs had the necessary physical properties to support a person in a sitting position. However, the Church rejected his findings, saying they were contrary to the teachings of Plato and Jesus. Galileo was forced to repent, but reportedly uttered under his breath "Il papa è un penis." (The belief is penal).
The Middle Renaissance
In 1703, Isaac Newton theorized that any two chairs attracted each other in direct proportion to the product of their masses and inverse proportion to the square of the distance between them. Many centuries later, L. M. Medric made the surprising discovery that this theory of Universal Chair Gravitation should be applicable to a much broader class of objects, such as planets and coffee tables. The chair is still notable in this case, though, as it was the first application.
The Late Renaissance
In 1903, Kurt Gödel proved that the set of all chairs is inconsistent with ZFC. As a corollary, Gödel trashed all of his furniture in utter despair. Later, Albert Einstein carefully examined the alleged proof, and discovered that Gödel had made a crucial error: he forgot to carry the 2.
Another advancement was the discovery during this time of Universal Chair theory, which alleges that the universe is made with many dozens of chairs linked together.
Chairs in Psychological Therapy
The most common usage of chairs today is to relieve pent-up frustration. The now widely exercised practice of throwing chairs around to "let go of the anger" was reportedly started in 2005 by Steve Ballmer, Microsoft's CEO. As Ballmer saw more and more of Microsoft's brightest employees leave for Google (a rival software company), never to return, he reportedly developed the now-standard "I'M GOING TO F**KING KILL GOOGLE!!!" chair hurling technique as a means of compensating for his small penis size.
Used as Metaphor
Used by Aboridginal Australians. Chair can he used to express any coment where the word for human genitalia, or any remark in any way which could be sexual, or the subtitution for the word to be used, as an example of human genitalia. ie. "get behind me with that stick" Then one would say "chair", or "are those balls heavy? Chair." "Dick has just entered. Chair!" Or if they wanted to be smart they could say "chair ya cut" as in chair ya cut. Cut being cunt. Chair!, and chair being the same as it's always been. Just chair, or to be lazy say chair to mean sure or yeah.
Trivial Crap
Chairs, when placed upside down, may also be used to hold donuts.
It has been noted that a man who only goes by the name of Creazzo enjoys being pushed of a wide variety of chairs. He often enjoys beginning his day by sitting down in his favourite chair and being thrown violently from it. On the rare occasion when this does not occur, Creazzo can be found gently sobbing in the corner muttering about his love for chairs. The greatest exponents of this Creazzo chair pushing craze are individuals by the name of Anthony and Peter. These two are amongst the greatest chair pushers in the whole world, as quoted by Creazzo himself.
