Babel:Ch

The 2009 Top Ten Articles Extravaganza!

2001: A Space Odyssey is a 1968 science fiction film, made in a collaboration between Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke. It is notable for lacking dialogue for a considerable duration near the start and towards the end, and for being utterly confusing to people who never read the book. Despite these obstacles, it is widely regarded as one of the best films ever made.

The comprehensible section of the film is set around 2001, when people have come to routinely land on and take off from the moon, and the head-wear of flight stewardesses has become as futuristic and fashionable as the Segway. We are introduced to Heywood Floyd, talking to his daughter.(more...)

The 2009 Top Ten Articles Extravaganza!

The Bourne Pottery Class is the fourth film in the popular Jason Bourne series, starring Matt Damon. The film tells the epic tale of Jason Bourne, the ex-CIA assassin, as he enrolls in a pottery class and learns to make ceramic pots and pans. The film was hailed by critics as "one of the most thrilling depictions of ceramic plate-making since the James Bond movie from the '80s, 'The Spy who Helped Glaze my Clay Vase.'"

The film picks up directly where the last installment, the Bourne Ultimatum, left off--with Jason Bourne swimming in a New York river after falling approximately eight miles from a nearby skyscraper Bourne swims to the shore and sees a building marked "Mrs. Wheeler's Pottery School." He walks inside, as extremely loud, guitar-driven industrial music plays in the background. The camera shakes dramatically as the first of many exhilarating sequences begins. Bourne tries to enroll in the class, but Mrs. Wheeler (Winona Ryder) wants to charge him $20 an hour. He says this is outrageous. As they argue, the camera shakes violently to the point that it is no longer possible to tell what is going on onscreen because it is an incomprehensible blur. (more...)

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Selected anniversaries

February 10: International Bad Pun Day

• 1104 - Potato famine engulfs Ireland. Panhandling Leprechauns flood the cities because they're a little short
• 1105 - Irish Potato Phantom claims responsibility for bitter harvest.
• 1390 - Bread is invented. Everybody proposes a toast to the inventor of bread.
• 1391 - Sliced Bread is invented. This is the greatest thing invented since bread itself.
• 1392 - Toast is invented. Everybody proposes a bread to the inventor of toast.
• 1890 - Oscar Wilde's new play "Pun" is first performed in London. Critics describe it as a "play on words".
• 1950 - Future French actor Jean Reno is asked whether he wants to go to the toilet. "Oui, Oui" he replies.
• 1951 - Avocado discovers the mol. Scientific community dismisses him when he claims that they are not, in fact, brown and fuzzy.
• 1954 - Inventor of the handshake chokes while ingesting his own creation. Doctors attempted to finger force the patient but couldn't nail the problem in time. He died on the way to the hospital.
• 1965 - Pele gets his balls kicked by a fellow team member. Fortunately, his club is able to replace them and allows him to continue training.
• 1970 - Winnie the Pooh's son is born, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo.
• 1973 - Describing his spiritual journey into heavy metal, Jimmy Page admits that he was "led" into it.
• 1975 - Colorado Christian Boarding School-boy Dick Face is insulted for the first time. I would not be his last.
• 1980 - Various case studies indicate you can put things in them and carry them by their handles.
• 1981 - Bono and The Edge agree that they, too, like the Canadian Punk band "U".
• 1985 - Das Boot, a German film about gender neutral enclosed footwear, is released.
• 1996 - "Punny" added to the Oxford dictionary. Subsequent bonfire nearly engulfs America.
• 1997 - During a fight with Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson's British trainer exclaims "What's this 'ere?"
• 1999 - The world's first cyborg can't fix himself because he is broke.
• 2008 - The Tea Room of Mercy Hospital, Australia, has its grand opening with hair in its tea, since the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained.
• 2017 - Walmart opens 1st store in Iraq. The only thing that was in its way before was that there was a target on every corner. Walmart stocks spike due to increase in Game department.
• 2031 - Juan Pablo Montoya is shot to death. Police believe the weapon to be a golf gun, because it made a hole in Juan.
• 2067 - The Roman Catholic church is finally bereft of nuns. There were none left.
• 2100 - Hugh Gass realises he has a huge ass.

Archived Anniversaries

Things happening in the rest of the world, which didn't make us a profit.

• Computer security consultant hacks the chip that PCs use to prevent hacking.
• Panic! At the NYSE (pictured)

• Saints defeat Obama in the hearts of the American people.

• In Connecticut power-plant explosion, accurate figures elude reporters.
• G-7 ministers, their influence waning, meet in a remote Arctic village.
• 2010 football Super Bowl will feature platitudes and advertisements.
• Intense racial tensions escalate into Warfare.
• Entire Toyota board commits Hara-Kiri.
• Ex-Idol accused of sodomy.
• U.S. Olympian Lindsey Vonn is a talented skier. I think. Oh my god!

• Australian federal court judge is an absolute kookaburra turd

• Residents of Massachusetts are despondent as someone other than a Kennedy takes office.
• Another school massacre by pint-sized Dylan Klebold copycat narrowly avoided.

• Banker in softcore porn controversy.
• Michael Jackson's doctor refuses to go quietly, takes vacation to Columbia.

• UK government unveils Shatter-proof Pint. The Irish rejoice.

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• ...that, since a bar means a group of attorneys and Mitzvah means good deed, most Jewish scholars believe Bar Mitzvah translates to "It's good to know how to sue someone"?

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Banker of the Month

Hail my lord! We have two worthy candidates to carry thy banner of infinite humor. But we cannot make a decision between those two brave knights. Tell me about these fine knights. Tell me about their armor. Tell me about their wit. Tell me about their musculature. Tell me about their chastity belts. My lord, you're drooling. slurp apologies, good minister. But do tell! Well, my lord, one is infinitely strange. He looks at you strangely from his red eyes. He carries sacks of evil smelling herbs and mumbles in strange languages. I think he might be a powerful shaman. Once, he even turned me into a newt! ...A newt? Err..sorry...wrong story. The other champion is seems quite able. He's tall, handsome, wears an armor of white scales and wields a six foot sword. ...A six foot sword?! My lord, you're drooling again. Ah yes, my apologies once more. So do tell, have they passed all the tests? Yes my lord. The gauntlet? The 100 meter burning coal dash? The piranha nude swimming? The walrus head bashing? The trivial pursuit - Bush edition? All of those my lords. They've even done the anal probe. Well I'll be damned! That makes is a very difficult decision. Hmmm....hmmm....hmmm... My lord? Shut up. I'm thinking. Hmmm...hmmm...hmmm....Tell you what. We'll keep them both. That's very unorthodox. True, but there's nothing in the book that says otherwise, right? Yes...but... Good! It's settled! Send the tall muscular one to my chambers. Make sure he takes a bath first.

noob@Uncyclopedia ~$ KILL UNCYCLOPEDIA bash:kill Uncyclopedia is evil. arguments invalid (and pointless). noob@Uncyclopedia ~$ su password: KILL UNCYCLOPEDIA root@uncyclopedia# KILL UNCYCLOPEDIA bash:Uncyclopedia killing not allowed. root@uncyclopedia# Obey me, for I am root! bash:You'll have to do better than that. LisaKachold password: UNIXGoddess bash: WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! ALL HAIL LISA! LisaKachold@uncyclopedia # KILL UNCYCLOPEDIA bash:Program terminated ▋

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