Certificate of Hitlertude
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Frequently, when people argue, one of the arguers will use the gambit "Well, that's just what Hitler would have said." For many years, this was considered a devastating debating move from which it was impossible to extricate oneself.
Then, in 2002, the World Institute of Hitlerology introduced the Certificate of Hitlertude. The offended party merely writes down his or her argument and sends it (along with a stamped self-addressed envelope and 10 Euros) to the Institute's headquarters in Nürnberg. Top experts in the field of German history, Nazi theory, and the biography of Adolf Hitler will then examine the argument and compare it to known things that Adolf Hitler said. They will then, after five to seven business weeks, post you a certificate (suitable for framing) bearing the Hitler Quotient of your argument, expressed as a percentage:
- At 91-100%, the thing you said is indeed deemed to be Just What Hitler Would Have Said. You lose your argument. Try again. Examples: 'I think that invading Poland would be just tops!', 'Let's slaughter as many Jews as possible!'
- At 71-90%, you have said something similar to what Hitler would have said, but not quite as bad. You will probably lose your argument, but you are entitled to do so in bad grace. Example: 'Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein careful series of governmental checks and balances!'
- At 51-70%, you have said something that Hitler might have said, but so would most other people. Examples: 'Is it just me, or could the French do with a solid kicking?', 'My moustache really itches!'
- At 26-50% is the smartass band; things that Hitler would have said, but which are so banal as to make the comparison worthless. Examples: 'Good morning,' 'I don't think much of Communism,' or 'Where did I leave the keys to my Mercedes?'
- At 25% or less are remarks that the experts agree that Hitler almost certainly never would have made. Examples: 'Give peace a chance,' 'All you need is love,' or 'Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai elohaynu Adonai echad!'
Certificate of Communism
While the Certificate of Hitlertude and the Certificate of Terrorism have been rousing successes, attempts to perform a similar service for people whose arguments have been compared to Communism have been less than successful.
For a start, while the Institute of Hitlerology can provide a worldwide service, studies show that since the collapse of the Soviet Union, only Cubans, Koreans, and Americans actually still give a rat's arse about Communism. This has lead to a very small market existing for Communism Certificates. Many believe there exists a potential market in Italy for such certification; however, that is not true. The local Prime Minister certified in October 2004 that every Italian is a communist, hence removing the need for such a test.
Secondly, the Certificate's issuers, the American Institute for Communist Studies, made the mistake of building their headquarters in the backwoods of Louisiana, where it was burnt to the ground within a day of the sign being put up. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, the remains have been scrapped and sent to New Orleans as relief support to aid families who no longer have access to news and consequently are at a lack of political accusations to make of their neighbors.
And lastly, for reasons unknown, the AICS decided that half of the advisory board would consist of Communists and half of Libertarians. Since Communists believe that practically no one is a Communist, including each other, and Libertarians believe that just about everything is indicative of Communism, including most extant forms of Capitalism, the board reached an impasse in about half a second.