Certain Death

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edit So, here you are

It could be because your spaceship is about to fly into a black hole, you're plummeting headfirst from a cliff or you're in the friendly company of a python that's being a little too friendly. Either way, congratulations on flipping open your laptop, desktop, Ipad or the control panel of your Galactic Star Cruiser and spending your last few minutes feverishly typing your way to this site.

We're here to help.

edit First things first

Have you tried breathing deeply? (Not applicable for drowning persons). Studies have shown that deep and mindful breathing helps to relax your body, ease your mind, achieve oneness with the universe and stops you screaming your bloomin' lungs out - which, lets face it, is terribly uncouth and distracts the fair minded gentry around you from their croquet game. Breathing deeply will also allow you to soothe your throat in case you were being silly and were screaming before reading this article.

If you need help learning how to breathe deeply and find that you do want to take a load off before your imminent demise, there are plenty of learned and enlightened Buddhist wannabes on YouTube who can help you. You may be able to identify these wise clerics of the internet by their serene visage, blissful demeanor and their sweaty yoga pants. These great and venerable clerics of YouTube have a strict hierarchy, however, and do not tolerate any sniggering within their mindfulness sessions - even whilst doing 'downward facing dog'. Failure to relax is treated with decapitation.


"Another one for the guillotine, lads!" - A Shaolin Monk

You can always tell who is more senior and therefore better able to help you by the increased sweatiness of his or her yoga pants, increased intensity of his or her focus and increased bushiness of his or her hippy beard.

Here are some important steps to get you started:

1] Just relax and permit yourself to unwind your muscles. Be sure your arms, legs and appendages are floppy and loose.

2] Try to feel into your diaphragm and your belly and be mindful of how much deeper you can breathe in and breathe out.

3] Don't snicker.

4] Close your eyes and focus your mind on all the pleasurable moments of your life up to this point.

5] Release any tension in your abdomen as you breathe out deeply, allowing your mind to wander.

6] Don't picture Bryan's sweaty Yoga pants.

7] Just let your breath slip forth and ease naturally from your lips.

8] Rolling your breathing back in let your chest swell with the fresh air as you take a long intake of breath.

9] Stop thinking about Bryan's sweaty Yoga pants.

10] Allow your muscles to relax even deeper as you feel the positive energy trickle down from the top of your head to Bryan's sweaty Yoga pants.

11] Lend your thoughts and mind space to roam and explore. Let your imagination work its magic as you release your breath and sink deeper into Bryan's...Erm...

12] As you continue with each cycle of in breath and out breath, feel yourself surrounded and consumed by the warm and loving energy of sweaty Yoga pants.

13] Feel your mind fill to overflowing at the brim with thoughts of peace, love and serenity. Forget the past and the future (or in your case just the past) and clasp the present moment with your feverish, dirty, dirty hands.

14] What is with that bulge anyway? Is that even normal?

15] Sweaty Yoga pants.

16] What was I doing again? Oh, yeah, repeat steps 1 to 15 until dead.

edit Drowning, Public Hanging, Erotic Asphyxiation and Death by Python

Of course, in the above cases breathing deeply isn't really an option for you, is it. And I suppose you were probably starting to feel a mite concerned that you wouldn't be able to receive the full help that this article promises. Allay your fears, good Sir or Madam, because, as you desperately grasp at the keyboard with your pudgy swollen fingers that are turning two shades bluer as we speak, I have a solution just for you. The solution to take all your worries away - music!

What is more relaxing than the soothing tones of some relaxing classics - such as Swedish folk pop, or tween Japanese heavy metal or, better yet, Justin Bieber. Luckily for you the choices are endless, but be sure to choose the music that is right for you because, remember, it's the last life decision you'll ever make.

If you're struggling to come up with anything you might like to listen to, then perhaps you'd be interested to know that there are songs out there that have been specially crafted to soothe you in precisely your predicament. Take, for example, our readers who are currently having a scuffle with a Python that took a little too much of a liking to them. You know how it is, they snake over to you, all big puppy eyes, give you a bit of a cuddle but before too long they go from humping your leg to innocently mistaking you for dinner. No worries, just melt away within the soothing tones of Nicki Minaj's 'Anaconda'. Not many people know this but 'Anaconda' was purpose built by the great genius musician, Nicki Minaj, to relax and soothe you. The sweet tones of Anaconda and Nicki Minaj's angelic voice have been known to lull baby seals to shore to flock around any radio that plays it. It has since been used by Marine Biologists for precisely this siren-like effect on all marine animals enraptured by Nicki's music.


Nicki Minaj demonstrates a flawless 'Downward facing dog' pose, which she learned while achieving her BA degree in Buddhist Practices

Or how about, for those readers who are undergoing the exhilarating thrill of Erotic Asphyxiation gone wrong, a little number called, 'feeling dippy' by Right Said Fred.

Just be sure that you don't get rick-rolled. This is currently the number 1 complaint being made in the afterlife, in both heaven and hell and the devil says he's sick of it.

The choices really are endless, and I know that you are reading this, gurgling with excitement at the opportunity to get started right away, but be warned! Be sure to buy and download your music from a legal website. You might think that you're dying and so who cares anyway, but I have to tell you that copyright law is no laughing matter. If you break copyright law, then they WILL look for you. They WILL find you. And they WILL deliver you a notice.

You have been warned.

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