From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Centrelink is an sub-agency of Satan, the Department for Continuing Degradation, Humiliation and Subjugation of Human Kind. Based in Darwin, Australia, the central Aboriginal district, Centrelink occupies the largest building in Alice Springs - a 15-storey fortress. Centrelink has ties as far back as the 1800s and is believed to be one of the first agencies to promote slavery. As time moved on and racism was considered bad, Centrelink shifted its corporate vision from promoting white superiority to promoting class superiority. This change in values meant Centrelink focused exclusively on degrading classes of sub-human, known as The Scum Of The Earth. This includes unemployed, the mentally ill, single parents, people with debilitating illnesses, the elderly, students and generally anyone who is from the low socio-economic classes.
Centrelink has origins in slavery reaching far back into history's arse. Centrelink's current practices are embedded deeply within its dreary, depressing and completely heartless history. In any country where slavery has been legal, there has been Centrelink. Wherever slaves were held under involuntary control, with their balls firmly grasped in the palm of a crushing overlord, there has been Centrelink. And whenever slaves have been forced by the state to undertake gruelling labour under disgusting conditions, without the right to refuse or leave there has been Centrelink.
Centrelink has most been involved in high profile slavery promotion, doing the African, Arabian and Asian circuit for years. All countries beginning with A actually, like America and Australia. Like the devil, Centrelink has changed its form and focus, from its involvement in the trans-Saharan slave trade to current interests in the Asian sex trade, smuggling Mexican slaves in to the United States as well as its current and very successful program in conjunction with the Australian government to force The Scum Of The Earth into crap jobs with no rights. This is crucial as people might think that you are a total douchebag who is ready to sell his/her ass to the devil to get their souls back!
The mission statement goes beyond the fact that they don't want to give money to The Scum Of The Earth who should starve to death (the gypsies), and is not limited merely to denying much needed services, it is about serving the majority of Australian tax payers in the upper bracket by forcing the blood sucking parasites of human society to become self sufficient through crime, drug addition and unwanted pregnancy in a supportive ghetto environment.
Centrelink destroys souls, and promotes Kitten Huffing. Centrelink has spent billions of dollars on secret research labs to optimize the process of crushing the will to live. Unfortunately, due to lawyers, Centrelink couldn't do this research on rich people, it was too expensive getting sued all the time. So they did the experiments on the socio-economically disadvantaged. Criticism was avoided for these studies by branding members of the low socio economic classes as The Scum Of The Earth, through economic policy, the erosion of basic working rights and welfare reforms.
Early studies were conducted into slavery, with the creation of the welfare state in the year named "liberal hell" the research began to focus on those with no money or rights. A considerable amount of money was funnelled into this research project as Centrelink realised it could apply principles of confusion, frustration and desperation to save the Australian government millions!
This method has been employed since and perhaps even before the liberalisation of Australia, and Centrelink is working on many problems to cure hard working, "Battlers" from having to cough up their hard earned dough to jobless dole bludgers, otherwise known as The Scum Of The Earth.
A major issue with the current Australian government system is that The Scum Of The Earth are allowed to vote. Centrelink is investigating methods to deter The Scum Of The Earth from voting or taking an interest in politics. This ensures they don't register to vote and hence the government can be better suit itself to the needs business, free trade agreements and widening the gap between the rich and the poor.
Centrelink, with the implementation of reality TV has successfully ensured a vast majority of Australians have lost all interest in politics, with the back-up plan if that doesn't work they'll be too stupid to understand politics.
The second idea, which has yet to be implemented, is to start a voting system similar to the US system. Make voting non-compulsory and on working days so that only those in financially secure jobs (and therefore wealthier people) can take the day off to vote.
Aside from long ranging projects, Centrelink in its day to day business provides many services to other people you've never met and don't know. For the rest of us, Centrelink tries its utmost to ensure continuous frustration and pain. Indeed their new filing system requires all of your forms to be stored anally - by you - to forever remind you of their slogan: "Centrelink, screwing the people who can't do anything about it."
edit The De Facto Wars
In the 1970s when people didn't have to get married, Centrelink realised they were losing out in the pay game. The Australian government was probably spending zillions of dollars paying individuals when they could be paying them less as a de facto couple. It is well known that couples, especially de facto ones eat less, pay less rent and have cheaper bills, thereby warranting a cut to their payments.
There exist legal definitions of de facto, but Centrelink are a law unto themselves. They define the term "de facto" to mean:
"Person(s), who upon entering the property of the Centrelink beneficiary, engage in sexual intercourse of some form, which is defined as the penetration of any orifice by a protruding member from the other person, for more than 6 nanoseconds."
After penetration by the 'protruding member' which can include fingers, tongues (kissing) and more, the couple are considered de facto and the Centrelink beneficiary must declare this relationship immediately or have their benefits cut off. The alternative is to declare the relationship and have their benefits cut off.
The unfortunate definition, which has a little '(s)' after Person, means if an individual Centrelink beneficiary bites their fingernails for more than 6 nanoseconds they are officially having a relationship with their finger. Unfortunately this means the beneficiary now has to support their finger, themselves and maintain a relationship on lower benefits.
This definition has enraged female right groups, because under this definition female masturbation immediately results in a self finger/hand relationship. However men, with their hands merely grasping the penis, penetrate none of their own orifices during masturbation. Additionally it takes women ages to climax, meaning they are practically married to their own hands in the eyes of Centrelink.
edit The Queuing Department
The Queuing department promotes patience in The Scum Of The Earth. Scum Of The Earth are encouraged to queue for at least 10 hours a week, hopefully with crying baby Scums Of The Earth in tow. Understaffed and at times inept, Centrelink slave direction officers ensure the the maximum amount of time is spent on the smallest problems. Additionally the added bonus of a frustrated and overworked staff members will always be ready to greet you.
The Queuing department is inconveniently located at the end of several sets of queues. Scum Of The Earth have to survive the gauntlet of queues before being able to claim true queue mastery, which is rewarded by cutting their benefits cut-off because the slave direction officer accidentally listed their marital status as "dead". This can only be rectified by completing the gauntlet once more, followed by a long and lengthy argument with a staff member about their dead/ not dead/ undead status. If The Scum Of The Earth have forgotten to get signed proof from the Department of Births, Deaths and Marriages they will have to queue again.
The ingenious set up of the Queuing Department instills a true sense of helplessness in all benefit seekers (A.K.A. The Scum Of The Earth). It is set up like a giant monopoly game. To begin a die weighted in favour of 'zero' is rolled and The Scum Of The Earth must advance the number of desks indicated by the die. Desks have names such as "Go back 3 desks", "Start again", "Intent to queue form lodgement desk", "Mystery desk" and so on. The Mystery desk allows The Scum Of The Earth to select a card at random which can help or hinder the process, they say things such as "You have just been given form '34a: Form to advance 2 desks', please complete this form, advance two desks and lodge with Centrelink staff" or "You have been suspected of fraud, please fill out form '265.36B: proof your child is not a dog', go home and get child/dog and queue again" or "your rent assistance payments can not be justified, please bring in copy of your lease initialed by the prime minister for authentication". The purely random nature of advancement serves to mystify and confuse sub human scum which is further exacerbated by the random nature of form lodgement, at any stage in the queuing game, if previous forms are lost, The Scum Of The Earth must go back to the desk where the lost form was allegedly handed in and re-queue to submit the form once more! Situations that result in returning to the start include: going to the bathroom, being rude, wearing thongs, breathing loudly, breathing, having blue eyes, sighing and existing.
edit The Truth Department
The Truth Department is the TrueLies department, where the truth lies as in rests as well as where the truth lies. Sub humans are told the truth, which is actually a misinterpretation of the truth and is therefore a lie, but from Centrelink it is the truth until the next truth is told. It means understanding that the truth in the truth department is a truth as the confusing liars tell it, a lie of truth and a contradiction of the facts. Applied to sub human scum it means an instilled helplessness ingrained so deeply in their soul that they are unable to muster the will to believe in what was perceived truth when presented with the contrary. This demands a continuous erosion of one's will, and more to know that the truth is a lie and the lies are the truth and to forget you ever had self respect. It is, which is known as CentreThink expressed through CentreSpeak.
edit The Propaganda Department
The Propaganda Department produces propaganda to make The Scum Of The Earth believe that big brother is watching you and you will get caught. If you really are going to get caught, then why aren't Centrelink spending their money busting your balls instead of making advertisements that try to psyche you out?
Ask yourself: Is this scam your lucky scam?
Centrelink is committed to fraud. By underpaying Australians and forcing them to live off meagre allowances, Centrelink encourages The Scum Of The Earth to commit fraud, and thus start a successful career in crime. They offer soft penalties which you can chose from which include facial maiming, working at a Centrelink for a day or having Chinese paper torture (This is when they send you so much paperwork and forms to fill out that your weakened wrist is crushed under the weight of your pen). Most members of the criminal classes have really appreciated the start Centrelink has given them in their life of crime. One customer was so happy and excited that he assaulted a slave direction officer and then ripped out their still beating heart and ate it. Naturally Centrelink was absolutely thrilled to promote the excited Scum Of The Earth to jail where they won a lifetime supply of unrequited anal penetrations. Thanks to Centrelink's 'Human Humiliation Program' which encourages low self esteem in their Scum, most Scum who get promoted to jail successfully complete their final badge: social deviance.
Centrelink has also released a new slogan: "Screw the People that Screw You", which fits in nicely with the concept of 'natural justice'. Additionally, despite extensive advertising people still commit fraud against Centrelink, which is excellent, RESPECT!
It is of utmost importance, that if you know ANYONE who is making a legitimate Centrelink claim to report them to the anonymous fraudster tip off line, this will ensure weeks of useless bureaucracy and no payments for them! Centrelink's core values revolve around denying legitimate claims which make up to 95% of their costs, thus it is of the utmost importance to to crush the honest and those down on their luck.
edit The investigations department
All Scum Of The Earth who receive Centrelink benefits are investigated because they are lying scum. Anyone with half a brain, half a stomach and who lives under a rock will obviously cheat Centrelink because the maintenance of their rock will take away at least 95% of their Centrelink "benefits", leaving only 5% to feed their half stomach, which feeds their half brain to come up with great scams to somehow marginally improve their standard of living.
It is believed by reducing payments by 5% and thus denying food to Scum Of The Earth will mean they won't be able to come up with ways to scam money of Centrelink. There are some "human rights" issues to be overcome if this policy is to be introduced, however Scum Of The Earth aren't human, so QED on that one.
Investigations into Scums Of The Earth, by Centrelink are often very lengthy processes. Firstly The Scum Of The Earth would have been referred to the investigations unit of Centrelink because their forms would have been lost so many times that the blame has to be passed to someone else: The recipient. Once the investigation begins, The Scum Of The Earth is assigned an investigations officer who bombards them with paperwork until the process is terminated by the recipient writing an abusive letter containing the terms "I know your full name", "accountability" and "who is your supervisor".
Most investigations end with payments being reduced or cut, broken photocopiers, the use of many pens and the desire to screw the people that screw you!
edit How to Claim
Simply fill out the following simple form to receive your benefits.
The great thing about Centrelink forms is that if you not speel good they are especially taylored for you needs. This bad speeling works two ways: confusion and frustration! Happy writting!
edit How to really make a claim
The Encyclopedia team fully endorse the tolerance of Australians as welfare recipients. If you really are in need of welfare assistance, please contact the official Centrelink office below.
The other good thing about Centrelink also is you can walk in, hold a blood filled syringe to their face and they won't really appear that surprised.