Cemetery of the Absurd

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m
m (Witches and the Cemetery)
 
(4 intermediate revisions by one user not shown)
Line 10: Line 10:
   
 
==Humble beginnings==
 
==Humble beginnings==
All good things start somewhere. So once upon a time, durng the very [[Great Depression|great depression]], a hobo named Clyde came upon an abandoned bean farm in the middle of Mississippi<ref>The middle of Mississippi is an "s". The house always wins.</ref>. In one of his rare moments of clarity Clyde looked around, and instead of seeing dried-up bean plants and depleted soil he told himself "Could be used for buryin'."
+
All good things start somewhere. So once upon a time, durng the very [[Great Depression|great depression]], a hobo named Clyde came upon an abandoned bean field in the middle of Mississippi<ref>The middle of Mississippi is an "s". The house always wins.</ref>. In one of his rare and sober moments of clarity Clyde looked around, and instead of seeing dried-up bean plants, depleted soil, and moles, lots of moles, he told himself "Could be used for buryin'."
   
His life's work laying in front of him, Clyde quickly grabbed up the land deed by marrying the farmer's widow, got ready to officiate at the town's burials himself--dust to dust, cashes for ashes--and was all set to plop in the first loved-one when his pesky clarity kicked-in again and he told himself "Could be a theme cemetery."
+
His life's work laying fallow in front of him, Clyde quickly grabbed up the land deed by marrying the farmer's widow, got ready to officiate at the town's burials himself - dust to dust, cashes for ashes - and was all set to plop in the first loved-one when his pesky clarity kicked-in again and he told himself "Could be a theme cemetery."
   
At the same time his wife, Cameron, who was a [[Hippies|hippie]] long before hippie became the new flapper<ref>And a witch long before witch became the new medium.</ref>, was studying and dabbling in surrealism--the taking of reality and putting so many twists up in there that God himself couldn't untangle them. When Clyde rushed into the room and told her about his idea, she put down her waterpipe, slapped the table<ref>Cameron was still part redneck, mind ya.</ref>, and with a whoop and a holler yelled "Cemetery of the Absurd!"
+
At the same time his wife, Cameron, who was a [[Hippies|hippie]] long before hippie became the new flapper<ref>And a witch long before witch became the new medium.</ref>, was studying and dabbling in surrealism - the taking of reality and putting so many twists up in there that God himself couldn't untangle them. When Clyde rushed into the room and told her about his idea, she put down her waterpipe, slapped the table<ref>Cameron was still part redneck, mind ya.</ref>, and with a whoop and a holler yelled "Cemetery of the Absurd!"
   
It turned out that Cameron was a natural at all of this. She recruited, designed, and promoted, and soon her cemetery was the in-place for the in-crowd to gather, visit, and be buried. As for Clyde? Died. And became the cemetery's first lateral resident, his [[Salvador Dali|Dali-painted]] coffin exhibited inside a snowglobe.
+
It turned out that Cameron was a natural at all of this. She recruited, designed, and promoted, and soon her cemetery became the in-place for the in-crowd to gather, visit, and be buried. As for Clyde? Died. And became the cemetery's first lateral resident, his [[Salvador Dali|Dali-painted]] coffin exhibited inside a snowglobe.
   
 
Cameron's [[Disneyland|playground]] for the after-hours crowd was on its way.
 
Cameron's [[Disneyland|playground]] for the after-hours crowd was on its way.
Line 22: Line 22:
 
==Come one, come all==
 
==Come one, come all==
 
[[File:RaspMon.jpg|thumb|300px|'''A tombstone in the politicans section of the Cemetery of the Absurd''']]
 
[[File:RaspMon.jpg|thumb|300px|'''A tombstone in the politicans section of the Cemetery of the Absurd''']]
Throughout the following decades the cry went out for bodies, more bodies! Come within [[wikipedia:Anais Nin|Anais Nin]], gather round [[Ezra Pound]], heed nature's call [[I Love Lucy|Lucille Ball]]. They arrived from western Europe by the planeload<ref>Frenchmen--looking forward to becoming permanent mimes--prepay to be buried near [[Jerry Lewis]], who is expected to check-in any day now.</ref> (and from Poland by the trainload<ref>[[Concentration camps|A national tradition!]]</ref>), their designer [[Coffin (Corpse Holder)|coffins]] doubling as gift-baskets of aged-cheese and wine. They come from Australia, sting-rays still attached, and from the U.S.--many shipped by rail direct from the studios/killing fields of [[The Killing Effect|Saturday Night Live]].
+
Throughout the following decades the cry went out for bodies, more bodies! Come within [[wikipedia:Anais Nin|Anais Nin]], gather round [[Ezra Pound]], heed nature's call [[I Love Lucy|Lucille Ball]]. They arrived from western Europe by the planeload<ref>Frenchmen - looking forward to becoming permanent mimes - prepay to be buried near [[Jerry Lewis]], who's expected to check-in any day now.</ref> and from Poland by the trainload<ref>[[Concentration camps|A national tradition!]]</ref>), their designer [[Coffin (Corpse Holder)|coffins]] doubling as gift-baskets of aged-cheese and [[UnNews:Winehouse's poor health in jeopardy|wine]]. They come from Australia, sting-rays still attached, and from the U.S. - many shipped by rail direct from the studios/killing fields of [[The Killing Effect|Saturday Night Live]].
   
 
Generations of artists from the Left Bank, hundreds of [[Stand-up comic|stand-up comics]] who'd died<ref>Ba domp bump</ref> at the Comedy Club, and at least a dozen women claiming to be either [[Anastasia|Princess Anastasia]] or Amelia Earhart have entered through the Cemeteries' fool's-gold-plated gates. They are then buried in groups of three, six feet under<ref>Ba domp bump</ref>.
 
Generations of artists from the Left Bank, hundreds of [[Stand-up comic|stand-up comics]] who'd died<ref>Ba domp bump</ref> at the Comedy Club, and at least a dozen women claiming to be either [[Anastasia|Princess Anastasia]] or Amelia Earhart have entered through the Cemeteries' fool's-gold-plated gates. They are then buried in groups of three, six feet under<ref>Ba domp bump</ref>.
Line 28: Line 28:
 
==Selected Cemetery attractions==
 
==Selected Cemetery attractions==
 
===The Nose Corral===
 
===The Nose Corral===
Surrealists who long to be buried in the Cemetery of the Absurd, but who don't want to embarrass their families, instead have their noses cut off<ref>Often while they are still alive.</ref> and stored in the Nose Corral--a one-room dirt-floored building decorated with roses and poison ivy<ref>A floral metaphor that Cameron thought up while posing nude for [[photographer]] [[wikipedia:Ansel Adams|Ansel Adams]] and painter [[Jackson Pollock]] at the same time.</ref>.
+
Surrealists who long to be buried in the Cemetery of the Absurd, but who don't want to embarrass their families, instead have their noses cut off<ref>Often while they are still alive.</ref> and stored in the Nose Corral - a one-room dirt-floored building decorated with roses and poison ivy<ref>A floral metaphor that Cameron thought up while posing nude for [[photographer]] [[wikipedia:Ansel Adams|Ansel Adams]] and painter [[Jackson Pollock]] at the same time.</ref>.
 
 
After a nose arrives, it is hydrated, chemically mummified, and then goes on display on top of thousands of other corraled noses. The corral is treated to a continuous mist of spring water, which wrecks havoc on the artwork--Picasso's "Noses", three large murals [[Pablo Picasso]] painted in the 1960s depicting scenes of war and other loud carnivals--but keeps the dust down and the noses clean.
+
When a nose arrives, it is hydrated, chemically mummified, and then goes on display on top of thousands of other corraled noses. The corral is treated to a continuous mist of spring water, which wrecks havoc on the artwork - Picasso's "Noses", three large murals [[Pablo Picasso]] painted in the 1960s depicting scenes of war and other loud carnivals - but keeps the dust down and the noses clean.
   
 
===Robert Johnson's Place and Neuman's Tomb===
 
===Robert Johnson's Place and Neuman's Tomb===
Music legend [[wikipedia:Robert Johnson (musician)|Robert Johnson]]'s massive "real" resting place<ref>Those others, just diversions and sideshow wannabbes.</ref> doubles as the entrance to the cemetery. Also used as a cell tower and a generational "dare" climb for local teenagers, Johnson's tomb includes a 29-story condominum complex, thirteen stories of musicians-only mausoleums, and is topped off by [[Skeleton]], a rotating four-star nightclub/restaurant. Handball and racquetball courts surround the base of the structure, except where Johnson is buried. And even there you can roll dice, drink from an always open bottle of [[whiskey]], and count coup when the [[Rock and roll|Rock]] stars come to visit.
+
Music legend [[wikipedia:Robert Johnson (musician)|Robert Johnson]]'s massive "real" resting place<ref>Those others, just diversions and sideshow wannabbes.</ref> doubles as the entrance to the cemetery. Also used as a cell tower and a generational "dare" climb for local teena, Johnson's tomb includes a 29-story condominum complex, thirteen stories of musicians-only mausoleums, and is topped off by ''[[Skeleton]]'', a rotating four-star nightclub/restaurant. The base of the structure is surrounded by handball and racquetball courts, except where Johnson is buried. And even there you can roll dice, drink from an always open bottle of [[whiskey|rye whisky]], and count coup when the [[Rock and roll|Rock]] stars come to visit.
   
 
In 2008 <span class="sigexpand"><span class="sighidden" style="position: absolute; z-index: 5"><div style="position: relative; height: 50px; left: 45px; bottom: 50px;">[[File:Tarimmummy.JPG]]</div></span><font color="blue">Johnson's body was exhumed</font></span> for no apparent reason.
 
In 2008 <span class="sigexpand"><span class="sighidden" style="position: absolute; z-index: 5"><div style="position: relative; height: 50px; left: 45px; bottom: 50px;">[[File:Tarimmummy.JPG]]</div></span><font color="blue">Johnson's body was exhumed</font></span> for no apparent reason.
Line 46: Line 46:
 
Almost two-thirds of the deceased members of the [[uncyclopedia:Hall of Shame|Baseball Hall of Fame]] are buried in the cemeteries [[wikipedia:Dock Ellis|Dock Ellis Field]], a full-scale baseball stadium named after the major league pitcher who threw a no-hitter while on LSD. Most of the players are buried at their positions, gravemarkers level with the ground so as not to hinder play.
 
Almost two-thirds of the deceased members of the [[uncyclopedia:Hall of Shame|Baseball Hall of Fame]] are buried in the cemeteries [[wikipedia:Dock Ellis|Dock Ellis Field]], a full-scale baseball stadium named after the major league pitcher who threw a no-hitter while on LSD. Most of the players are buried at their positions, gravemarkers level with the ground so as not to hinder play.
   
People come from all over the world to play a few innings at Dock Ellis. Imagine the thrill of running to catch a deep fly knowing you are sprinting over the bodies of [[Marilyn Monroe|Joe DiMaggio]]<ref>So ''that's'' where he's gone!</ref>, Willie Mays<ref>Anxiously awaiting death and burial.</ref>, Ted Williams<ref>While his head is frozen, his body thaws beneath Dock Ellis Field. As does Dock Ellis.</ref>, and the rest. The infield is paved with everyone from [[wikipedia:Honus Wagner|Honus Wagner]] to [[wikipedia:Jackie Robinson|Jackie Robinson]], the double-play combination of [[wikipedia:Joe Tinker|Tinker]] to [[wikipedia:Johnny Evers|Evers]] to [[wikipedia:Frank Chance|Chance]] <span class="sigexpand"><span class="sighidden" style="position: left; z-index: 5"><div style="position: relative; height: 50px; left: 45px; bottom: 50px;">[[File:Gardenfence.jpeg|400px]]</div></span><font color="blue">observes from the dugout</font></span>, while on the pitcher's mound--the final resting place of pitching greats [[wikipedia:Pud Galvin|Pud Galvin]] and [[wikipedia:Lefty Grove|Lefty Grove]]--sits a resin bag filled with the ashes of the [[wikipedia:Murderers' Row|1927 Yankees]].
+
People come from all over the world to play a few innings at Dock Ellis. Imagine the thrill of running to catch a deep fly knowing you are sprinting over the bodies of [[Marilyn Monroe|Joe DiMaggio]]<ref>So ''that's'' where he's gone!</ref>, Willie Mays<ref>Anxiously awaiting death and burial.</ref>, Ted Williams<ref>While his head is frozen, his body thaws beneath Dock Ellis Field. As does Dock Ellis.</ref>, and the rest. The infield is paved with everyone from [[wikipedia:Honus Wagner|Honus Wagner]] to [[wikipedia:Jackie Robinson|Jackie Robinson]], the double-play combination of [[wikipedia:Joe Tinker|Tinker]] to [[wikipedia:Johnny Evers|Evers]] to [[wikipedia:Frank Chance|Chance]] <span class="sigexpand"><span class="sighidden" style="position: left; z-index: 5"><div style="position: relative; height: 50px; left: 45px; bottom: 50px;">[[File:Gardenfence.jpeg|400px]]</div></span><font color="blue">observes from the dugout</font></span>, while on the pitcher's mound - the final resting place of pitching greats [[wikipedia:Pud Galvin|Pud Galvin]] and [[wikipedia:Lefty Grove|Lefty Grove]] - sits a resin bag filled with the ashes of the [[wikipedia:Murderers' Row|1927 Yankees]].
   
 
===The Grassy Knoll===
 
===The Grassy Knoll===
Line 54: Line 54:
 
Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Hippie Grove! Like a modern-day Be-In, hippies in uniform romp and practice free love among ten-acres of [[Psychedelic music|psychedelic]] tombs and groovy monuments to a lifestyle as celebrated as the ancient Egyptians.
 
Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Hippie Grove! Like a modern-day Be-In, hippies in uniform romp and practice free love among ten-acres of [[Psychedelic music|psychedelic]] tombs and groovy monuments to a lifestyle as celebrated as the ancient Egyptians.
   
In Hippie Grove what remains of [[wikipedia:Wavy Gravy|Wavy Gravy]], [[Allen Ginsberg]], [[wikipedia:Melanie Safka|Melanie Safka]]<ref>She's got a brand new pair of rollerskates, we've got a brand new plot of ground.</ref>, and [[wikipedia:Abbie Hoffman|Abbie Hoffman]] and the rest of the [[Chicago Seven]] lie amidst hundreds of other far-out [[Hippies|flower-children-under-the-flowers]]<ref>Spoiler alert: Wavy Gravy isn't dead yet, he just likes to come and lie around the Grove. You can crash at my pad, man.</ref>. The spaced-out graves form peace signs and mandalas''',''' strobe lights from The Tomb of the Unknown Pothead<ref>[[wikipedia:Marjorie Cameron|Cameron]].</ref> illuminate the nightly Police Riot reenactment, and the loving arms of [[Timothy Leary]]<ref>[[wikipedia:Timothy Leary|Timothy Leary]]'s dead? No, no, no, no, he's outside, looking in. Well, ah <small>/''shuffles nervously''</small>, yeah, okay, maybe he is dead. So what? You wanna make something of it? Yeah, you and what army?</ref> are embalmed with incense and rainbows and <span class="sigexpand"><span class="sighidden" style="position: absolute; z-index: 5"><div style="position: relative; height: 50px; left: 45px; bottom: 50px;">[[File:Teh Hands.PNG]]</div></span><font color="blue">are always ready to hug visitors</font></span> from far and wide.
+
In Hippie Grove what remains of [[wikipedia:Wavy Gravy|Wavy Gravy]], [[Allen Ginsberg]], [[wikipedia:Melanie Safka|Melanie Safka]]<ref>She's got a brand new pair of rollerskates, we've got a brand new plot of ground.</ref>, [[wikipedia:Abbie Hoffman|Abbie Hoffman]] and the rest of the [[Chicago Seven]] lie amidst hundreds of other far-out [[Hippies|flower-children-under-the-flowers]]<ref>Spoiler alert: Wavy Gravy isn't dead yet, he just likes to come and lie around the Grove. You can crash at my pad, man.</ref>. The spaced-out graves form peace signs and mandalas''',''' strobe lights from The Tomb of the Unknown Pothead<ref>[[wikipedia:Marjorie Cameron|Cameron]].</ref> illuminate the nightly Police Riot reenactment, and the loving arms of [[Timothy Leary]]<ref>[[wikipedia:Timothy Leary|Timothy Leary]]'s dead? No, no, no, no, he's outside, looking in. Well, ah <small>/''shuffles nervously''</small>, yeah, okay, maybe he is dead. So what? You wanna make something of it? Yeah, you and what army?</ref> are embalmed with incense, peppermint, and rainbows and <span class="sigexpand"><span class="sighidden" style="position: absolute; z-index: 5"><div style="position: relative; height: 50px; left: 45px; bottom: 50px;">[[File:Teh Hands.PNG]]</div></span><font color="blue">are always ready to hug visitors</font></span> from far and wide.
   
 
===Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right===
 
===Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right===
 
[[File:Tombstone1.jpg|thumb|180px|'''[[Sarah Silverman]] knew how to leave them laughing.''']]
 
[[File:Tombstone1.jpg|thumb|180px|'''[[Sarah Silverman]] knew how to leave them laughing.''']]
Planted like cornstalks along the back fence of the Cemetery of the Abusrd is Comedians Row, a collection of the funniest satirists on<ref>Now in.</ref> God's green Earth. [[wikipedia:Roscoe Arbuckle|Fatty Arbuckle]] weighs down one end, Jackie Gleason the other, while [[Joan Rivers]] lies motionless in the exact middle<ref>Stuck in the middle with jew.</ref>.
+
Planted like cornstalks along the back fence of the Cemetery of the Abusrd is Comedians Row, a collection of the funniest satirists on - now in - God's green Earth. [[wikipedia:Roscoe Arbuckle|Fatty Arbuckle]] weighs down one end, Jackie Gleason the other, while [[Joan Rivers]] lies motionless in the exact middle<ref>Stuck in the middle with jew.</ref>.
   
[[George Carlin|George Carlin's]] [[tombstone]], one of the most interesting objects in the cemetery, consists of only his name, the phrase "Please Masturbate My Corpse", and shockingly goes on to list the seven deadly words you can't carve on tombstones<ref>Soilbreather, exhumation, boner, dustbowl, giddyup, atheist, and Tomorrowland.</ref>. If Bill Cosby, buried on Carlin's left, knew what was chisled into the stone, he'd be spinning in his grave. Not unlike [[Richard Pryor]], entombed on Carlin's right, who literally spins in his grave at 72rpm<ref>How? Levers, magnets, gravity, and specialized software. Isn't technology wonderful?</ref>. Thanks to Intel-everlasting solar chips, Pryor can be seen perpetually spinning on big-screens placed throughout the cemetery, and every time a new piece falls off the cheers can be heard a mile away<ref>And one lucky contestant wins a gift certificate to Six Flags Over The Cemetery of the Absurd.</ref>.
+
[[George Carlin|George Carlin's]] [[tombstone]], one of the most interesting objects in the cemetery, consists of only his name, the phrase "Please Masturbate My Corpse", and shockingly goes on to list the seven deadly words you can't carve on tombstones (soilbreather, exhumation, boner, dustbowl, giddyup, atheist, and Tomorrowland). If Bill Cosby, buried on Carlin's left, knew what was chisled into the stone, he'd be spinning in his grave. Not unlike [[Richard Pryor]], entombed on Carlin's right, who literally spins in his grave at 72rpm<ref>How? Levers, magnets, gravity, and specialized software. Brought to you by Technology.</ref>. Thanks to Intel-everlasting solar chips, Pryor can be seen perpetually spinning on big-screens placed throughout the cemetery, and every time a new piece falls off the cheers can be heard a mile away<ref>And one lucky contestant wins a gift certificate to Six Flags Over The Cemetery of the Absurd.</ref>.
   
 
==Witches and the Cemetery==
 
==Witches and the Cemetery==
Many [[Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit|witches]] visit the cemetery of the Absurd on their daily walks, and most of them begin casting spells just to pass the time. Witches love the cemeteries world-renowned [[Tombstone|tombstones]], for when a rock mysterously becomes a tombstone it takes on symbolistic meaning to a witch, who then uses it as a template for death. When she comes across the grave of little-known but powerful occultist Sam Hain, even your prim and proper witch will naked it up and start tombstone-squirming, attempting with an act of sexual release to bargain with the gatekeeper to extend her life<ref>Or at the very least her credit limit.</ref>. All she usually gets after being TorJohnsoned is a case of the jitters. But, on those rare occasions when [[UnScripts:Who built the moon|the moon is new]] and Halloween draws near, the [[Grim Reaper|gatekeeper]] will pass by on ''his'' daily walk, and, buoyed by the sexual flame visible to his occult-tuned eyes, will blush and give her what she wants. Plus diamonds and stuff.
+
Many [[As generals gathered in their masses, just like "witches at black masses".|witches]] visit the Cemetery of the Absurd on their daily walks, and most of them begin casting spells just to pass the time. Witches love the cemeteries world-renowned [[Tombstone|tombstones]], for when a rock mysterously becomes a tombstone it takes on symbolistic meaning to a witch, who then uses it as a template for death. When she comes across the grave of little-known but powerful occultist Sam Hain, even your prim and proper witch will naked it up and start tombstone-squirming, attempting with a [[Tantra|sacred act]] of sexual release to bargain with the gatekeeper to extend her life (or at the very least, her credit limit). All she usually gets after being TorJohnsoned is a case of the jitters. But, on those rare occasions when [[UnScripts:Who built the moon|the moon is new]] and Halloween draws near, the [[Grim Reaper|gatekeeper]] will pass by on ''his'' daily walk, and, buoyed by the sexual flame visible to his occult-tuned eyes, will blush and give her what she wants. Plus diamonds and stuff.
   
 
==Family entertainment==
 
==Family entertainment==
In addition to the Old Timer's baseball game and an April cross painting competition, "The Cemetery" - as it is known among the in-crowd<ref>Or just "The C", as in "Ya gonna be planted in The C, man?"</ref> - also hosts an annual bowling tournament. In this competition a bowling ball is placed on a grave in front of a cheering crowd, and ends when everyone finally gets tired of waiting for it to move and goes home.
+
In addition to the Old Timer's baseball game and an April cross painting competition, "The Cemetery" - as it is known among the jet-set<ref>Or just "The C", as in "Ya gonna be planted in The C, man?"</ref> - also hosts an annual bowling tournament. In this competition a bowling ball is placed on a grave in front of a cheering crowd, and ends when everyone finally gets tired of waiting for it to move and goes home.
   
 
As you will plainly see when you get there, at Mississippi's Cemetery of the Absurd the "life of the party" is usually some dead guy wearing a bedsheet made from the skin of [[Ed Gein|another]] dead guy. And if you're partying there and ''not'' having the time of your life, you don't have a pulse!
 
As you will plainly see when you get there, at Mississippi's Cemetery of the Absurd the "life of the party" is usually some dead guy wearing a bedsheet made from the skin of [[Ed Gein|another]] dead guy. And if you're partying there and ''not'' having the time of your life, you don't have a pulse!
Line 79: Line 79:
   
   
[[File:Avatar-Three Stooges.jpg|600px]]
+
[[File:Avatar-Three Stooges.jpg|600px|center]]
 
{{-}}
 
{{-}}
:::::<big><big><big>'''Coffin buddies with benefits'''</big></big></big>
+
<center><big><big><big>'''Coffin buddies with benefits'''</big></big></big></center>
 
{{-}}
 
{{-}}
 
{{FA|date=30 October 2010|revision=4815424}}
 
{{FA|date=30 October 2010|revision=4815424}}

Latest revision as of 20:20, February 16, 2013

SonjePumpkinLogo
Sadea

Santa chose the Cemetery of the Absurd for his last sleighride. When his choice was announced, Mrs. Claus filed suit in federal court in an unsuccessful attempt to break Claus' will. "This is shameful," said Mrs. Claus. "When the elves, deers, and I come to pay our respects we have to elbow our way through clowns and people in adult pajamas."

Mississippi's infamous Cemetery of the Absurd contains the bones and softer parts of some of the most well-known individuals ever to put on human clothing. Comedians, Halloween afficionados, occultists, artists, if they have an absurd bone in their body they clamor to be buried here and can't wait to die. Called the Arlington National Cemetery of Surrealism, its haunted-rating rivals other famous resting places, regularly outdraws them ten-to-one, and begs the question of its best customers: What brought you here?

One attraction is
Pumpkinskin
Johnson's Place, the giant beach-ball shaped
42-story tombstone of legendary Mississippi singer-guitarist Robert Johnson. Besides the pyramids and that Taj Mahal wunderkind, Johnson's is the most elaborate final resting place on earth. It provides a fitting entrance to this grand Cemetery, a rural landmark which continues the proud tradition of Mississippians knowing how to show the crowd a good time.

edit Humble beginnings

All good things start somewhere. So once upon a time, durng the very great depression, a hobo named Clyde came upon an abandoned bean field in the middle of Mississippi[1]. In one of his rare and sober moments of clarity Clyde looked around, and instead of seeing dried-up bean plants, depleted soil, and moles, lots of moles, he told himself "Could be used for buryin'."

His life's work laying fallow in front of him, Clyde quickly grabbed up the land deed by marrying the farmer's widow, got ready to officiate at the town's burials himself - dust to dust, cashes for ashes - and was all set to plop in the first loved-one when his pesky clarity kicked-in again and he told himself "Could be a theme cemetery."

At the same time his wife, Cameron, who was a hippie long before hippie became the new flapper[2], was studying and dabbling in surrealism - the taking of reality and putting so many twists up in there that God himself couldn't untangle them. When Clyde rushed into the room and told her about his idea, she put down her waterpipe, slapped the table[3], and with a whoop and a holler yelled "Cemetery of the Absurd!"

It turned out that Cameron was a natural at all of this. She recruited, designed, and promoted, and soon her cemetery became the in-place for the in-crowd to gather, visit, and be buried. As for Clyde? Died. And became the cemetery's first lateral resident, his Dali-painted coffin exhibited inside a snowglobe.

Cameron's playground for the after-hours crowd was on its way.

edit Come one, come all

RaspMon

A tombstone in the politicans section of the Cemetery of the Absurd

Throughout the following decades the cry went out for bodies, more bodies! Come within Anais Nin, gather round Ezra Pound, heed nature's call Lucille Ball. They arrived from western Europe by the planeload[4] and from Poland by the trainload[5]), their designer coffins doubling as gift-baskets of aged-cheese and wine. They come from Australia, sting-rays still attached, and from the U.S. - many shipped by rail direct from the studios/killing fields of Saturday Night Live.

Generations of artists from the Left Bank, hundreds of stand-up comics who'd died[6] at the Comedy Club, and at least a dozen women claiming to be either Princess Anastasia or Amelia Earhart have entered through the Cemeteries' fool's-gold-plated gates. They are then buried in groups of three, six feet under[7].

edit Selected Cemetery attractions

edit The Nose Corral

Surrealists who long to be buried in the Cemetery of the Absurd, but who don't want to embarrass their families, instead have their noses cut off[8] and stored in the Nose Corral - a one-room dirt-floored building decorated with roses and poison ivy[9].

When a nose arrives, it is hydrated, chemically mummified, and then goes on display on top of thousands of other corraled noses. The corral is treated to a continuous mist of spring water, which wrecks havoc on the artwork - Picasso's "Noses", three large murals Pablo Picasso painted in the 1960s depicting scenes of war and other loud carnivals - but keeps the dust down and the noses clean.

edit Robert Johnson's Place and Neuman's Tomb

Music legend Robert Johnson's massive "real" resting place[10] doubles as the entrance to the cemetery. Also used as a cell tower and a generational "dare" climb for local teena, Johnson's tomb includes a 29-story condominum complex, thirteen stories of musicians-only mausoleums, and is topped off by Skeleton, a rotating four-star nightclub/restaurant. The base of the structure is surrounded by handball and racquetball courts, except where Johnson is buried. And even there you can roll dice, drink from an always open bottle of rye whisky, and count coup when the Rock stars come to visit.

In 2008
Tarimmummy
Johnson's body was exhumed
for no apparent reason.

About a half-mile from Johnson's Place sits an exact duplicate of New York's famed Grant's Tomb, Neuman's Tomb (a.k.a. Newman's Tomb). Now housing the cemeteries' gift shop[11], this edifice will hold the bodies of two still-living persons when they give up the ghost, Mad Magazine icon Alfred E. Neuman and actor Wayne Knight.

edit The Health Club

The Cemeteries' Health Club includes a weight room, state-of-the-art exercise machines, swimming pool, and sauna, all tastefully decorated with the free-standing coffins of such physical fitness inspirations as strongman Jack LaLanne[12], super-hero[13] George Reeves, and swimmer and renowned apeman Johnny Weissmuller. Work out enough and someday you can be as healthy as they are!

edit Dock Ellis Field

Cobb5

Ty Cobb's taxidermied body, still playing at its peak, tries to run-down Yogi Berra's barely-breathing pre-corpse during an Old Timer's Game at Dock Ellis Field.

Almost two-thirds of the deceased members of the Baseball Hall of Fame are buried in the cemeteries Dock Ellis Field, a full-scale baseball stadium named after the major league pitcher who threw a no-hitter while on LSD. Most of the players are buried at their positions, gravemarkers level with the ground so as not to hinder play.

People come from all over the world to play a few innings at Dock Ellis. Imagine the thrill of running to catch a deep fly knowing you are sprinting over the bodies of Joe DiMaggio[14], Willie Mays[15], Ted Williams[16], and the rest. The infield is paved with everyone from Honus Wagner to Jackie Robinson, the double-play combination of Tinker to Evers to Chance
Gardenfence
observes from the dugout
, while on the pitcher's mound - the final resting place of pitching greats Pud Galvin and Lefty Grove - sits a resin bag filled with the ashes of the 1927 Yankees.

edit The Grassy Knoll

The key suspects from the John Kennedy Assassination were all given an improper burial in an unmarked trench within an exact replica of the Grassy Knoll. Visitors can view the bodies of mafia boss Sam Giancana, gay federal official J. Edgar Hoover, banjoist Lee Harvey Oswald, and hundreds of others crammed together[17] in this ridiculously transparent mass grave. New patrons can be interrred here as long as they present evidence before a Grand Jury of their involvement in the crime (Children welcome, as long as they are accompanied by an adult.).[18]

edit Hippie Grove

Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Hippie Grove! Like a modern-day Be-In, hippies in uniform romp and practice free love among ten-acres of psychedelic tombs and groovy monuments to a lifestyle as celebrated as the ancient Egyptians.

In Hippie Grove what remains of Wavy Gravy, Allen Ginsberg, Melanie Safka[19], Abbie Hoffman and the rest of the Chicago Seven lie amidst hundreds of other far-out flower-children-under-the-flowers[20]. The spaced-out graves form peace signs and mandalas, strobe lights from The Tomb of the Unknown Pothead[21] illuminate the nightly Police Riot reenactment, and the loving arms of Timothy Leary[22] are embalmed with incense, peppermint, and rainbows and
Teh Hands
are always ready to hug visitors
from far and wide.

edit Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right

Tombstone1

Sarah Silverman knew how to leave them laughing.

Planted like cornstalks along the back fence of the Cemetery of the Abusrd is Comedians Row, a collection of the funniest satirists on - now in - God's green Earth. Fatty Arbuckle weighs down one end, Jackie Gleason the other, while Joan Rivers lies motionless in the exact middle[23].

George Carlin's tombstone, one of the most interesting objects in the cemetery, consists of only his name, the phrase "Please Masturbate My Corpse", and shockingly goes on to list the seven deadly words you can't carve on tombstones (soilbreather, exhumation, boner, dustbowl, giddyup, atheist, and Tomorrowland). If Bill Cosby, buried on Carlin's left, knew what was chisled into the stone, he'd be spinning in his grave. Not unlike Richard Pryor, entombed on Carlin's right, who literally spins in his grave at 72rpm[24]. Thanks to Intel-everlasting solar chips, Pryor can be seen perpetually spinning on big-screens placed throughout the cemetery, and every time a new piece falls off the cheers can be heard a mile away[25].

edit Witches and the Cemetery

Many witches visit the Cemetery of the Absurd on their daily walks, and most of them begin casting spells just to pass the time. Witches love the cemeteries world-renowned tombstones, for when a rock mysterously becomes a tombstone it takes on symbolistic meaning to a witch, who then uses it as a template for death. When she comes across the grave of little-known but powerful occultist Sam Hain, even your prim and proper witch will naked it up and start tombstone-squirming, attempting with a sacred act of sexual release to bargain with the gatekeeper to extend her life (or at the very least, her credit limit). All she usually gets after being TorJohnsoned is a case of the jitters. But, on those rare occasions when the moon is new and Halloween draws near, the gatekeeper will pass by on his daily walk, and, buoyed by the sexual flame visible to his occult-tuned eyes, will blush and give her what she wants. Plus diamonds and stuff.

edit Family entertainment

In addition to the Old Timer's baseball game and an April cross painting competition, "The Cemetery" - as it is known among the jet-set[26] - also hosts an annual bowling tournament. In this competition a bowling ball is placed on a grave in front of a cheering crowd, and ends when everyone finally gets tired of waiting for it to move and goes home.

As you will plainly see when you get there, at Mississippi's Cemetery of the Absurd the "life of the party" is usually some dead guy wearing a bedsheet made from the skin of another dead guy. And if you're partying there and not having the time of your life, you don't have a pulse!

edit Tombstone abuse is encouraged!

DJ
Friday is Party Night at the Cemetery!

Dancing skullPipistrelle bat

edit Footbone notes

  1. The middle of Mississippi is an "s". The house always wins.
  2. And a witch long before witch became the new medium.
  3. Cameron was still part redneck, mind ya.
  4. Frenchmen - looking forward to becoming permanent mimes - prepay to be buried near Jerry Lewis, who's expected to check-in any day now.
  5. A national tradition!
  6. Ba domp bump
  7. Ba domp bump
  8. Often while they are still alive.
  9. A floral metaphor that Cameron thought up while posing nude for photographer Ansel Adams and painter Jackson Pollock at the same time.
  10. Those others, just diversions and sideshow wannabbes.
  11. And a lamp-shade store. See Ed Gein for our inventory update.
  12. LaLanne's body died ten-years before his official death in 2011, but through sheer momentum still worked out two hours a day.
  13. Not a bird, nor a plane.
  14. So that's where he's gone!
  15. Anxiously awaiting death and burial.
  16. While his head is frozen, his body thaws beneath Dock Ellis Field. As does Dock Ellis.
  17. Some while they were still alive. The cemetery regrets this error, and apologizes to those it may have offended.
  18. Children are also encouraged to take target practice at a replica Kennedy death car, which comes around like clockwork every generation or so.
  19. She's got a brand new pair of rollerskates, we've got a brand new plot of ground.
  20. Spoiler alert: Wavy Gravy isn't dead yet, he just likes to come and lie around the Grove. You can crash at my pad, man.
  21. Cameron.
  22. Timothy Leary's dead? No, no, no, no, he's outside, looking in. Well, ah /shuffles nervously, yeah, okay, maybe he is dead. So what? You wanna make something of it? Yeah, you and what army?
  23. Stuck in the middle with jew.
  24. How? Levers, magnets, gravity, and specialized software. Brought to you by Technology.
  25. And one lucky contestant wins a gift certificate to Six Flags Over The Cemetery of the Absurd.
  26. Or just "The C", as in "Ya gonna be planted in The C, man?"


Avatar-Three Stooges


Coffin buddies with benefits


190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 30 October 2010
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/30 October 2010Template:FA/2010</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects