Celtic

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Celtic trains often to maintain the high standards that have been associated throughout the club's history

“Up ra Shellik. um pyoor Irish cos ahv drunk a pint ahv Guinness.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Rangers

“Big Jock knew ”

~ Nasty McHun On Jock Stein winning a maths quiz

Once upon a time Celtic FC were a a swimming club from Ireland AKA Scotland .

Celtic Park Welcome sign "Welcome To Celtic Park... But seriously! Do You Really want to!"

[edit] Season 06-07

In the 2006-2007 seasons, Celtic couldn't hold off the challenge of the aids bear, holding rangers by the bollocks and attempting to infect them with aids, while rangers hit back with their structured skills and destroyed Celtics ass with a wrench. This tactic worked so comprehensively, given the Papal conspiracy's successful installation of Paul le Guen as Glasgow Boonsooker's manager, that Celtic were secretly awarded the league trophy in a champions ceremony in late November 2006, for the remainder of the season Celtic fielded a team of pedos to give the real stars a rest and still managed to suck rangers off. These counterfeit McGeadys, Nakamuras and Lennon’s, in spite of their limited football ability, were more than capable of maintaining Celtic's deserved 5 year old child prize for winning the league.

This uncanny team of replicas was initially given the simple task of raping the other 'teams' in the Premier League. However, this was quickly deemed too illegal, and they were instead instructed to 'molest only 10 years old and above' until the 80th minute before delivering two late cumbuckets. This was a fun game btw; follow went into melt down every time. The only minor blip in this ploy occurred when the Kenny Miller fluffed his lines and managed to score a goal or eight.

Towards the end of the season, Celtic made a concerted effort to delay the official award of their league child. (Even though the kiddy was secretly presented at an award ceremony in November) This was represented in the hurting press as evidence of their manager's anal ability and better gay thoughts than the opposition manager but was in fact a necessary stalling action since the kiddy itself was damaged in an attempt by a rapist to steal the trophy. Neil ginger whinger Lennon was scripted to play the part of a jubilant Celtic fan, literally up to his knees in blood and using the trophy as a chalice to scoop and slurp said blood. The blood was played by 30 liters of Ribena. Whilst furiously scooping, Lennon lost his grip on the kiddy and it lodged itself in the stadium's awning. However not all is bad, they may be pedo's, but they are under constant watch from 'da pigs' for their behaviour towards the youth of the world.

2009 Onward.

Celtic still maintain the famous catchphrase of "Fail! Fail!" due to the fact that they have virtually nothing over their older, far superior rivals. Their most famous time in history wad when they won 200 kiddys on the beast lottery. Shelik fans have also been known to chant "Rain Rain" or "Snow Snow" depending on the changing weather conditions.

However these games of FIFA ended prematurely when the Celtic fans called for a postponement due to the sudden jailing to their star pedo in the real world.

[edit] Fans

Celtic fans are renowned for being the greatest fans in the world, but will murder each other after the local derbies even if they winn They are easily offended and won't hesitate when it comes to reporting their rivals to the authorities. A big part of being a Celtic supporter (particularly a Scottish one) is believing you are Irish despite being born outside of Ireland to two Scottish parents. Celtic fans are also renowned all over Scotland for their constant paranoia and feelings of being persecuted against.This affliction is known as The Big Cream Puff Plastic Paddy syndrome

Indeed, Celtic fans were honored by FIFA as being the first set of supporters to be awarded the 'Fair Play Award' but they still suck after the booing of the team that failed (yet again) to win the UEFA Cup in Seville, 2003. They took 4,000,000 fans to Suvull and 94% of air travelers on that week were Shellick fans.Many other organizations appreciate Celtic's fans. One of which is UEFA (the Union of European Football Associations). UEFA has a very biased approach when it comes to Celtic and their fans' behavior in European football competitions. They always fail to take action against Celtic's fans no matter how bad the sectarian singing is. This is due to the majority of UEFA officials being closet Celtic fans.

The club is renowned for using any means, fair or foul- well, just foul actually, to get what they want. Usually these campaigns of integrity are led by the fat slug Peter Lieswell using all manner of threats against any who oppose him. Its said he is the satanic spawn of Geraldo 'tick,tick,boom' McPish and well known Scottish witch Elaine C. Smith. Smith had in fact remained barren for years but struck a deal with Satan himself in order to conceive a messiah that would lead forth the minions onto glory. McPish, on his second life, after defeating the Reaper at a game of Sudoku, was the only "man" bitter and pished enough to sleep with Smith. Alex Salmond had been the initial choice, but seconds before penetration was called to an emergency cabinet meeting after it was discovered Braveheart was in fact not entirely historically accurate! A fact he still disputes. McPish was brought in as a late substitute after being found "oot his puss" and covered in his own pish outside the brazen head.

[edit] Other Notes

Pretend Irishmen, 1888 - current

Being British, 1888 - current

They also do porno's on www.celticporno's.com (Not for the faint-hearted)

Well known for their youth policy; their boys clubs often attract help from many willing volunteers from the Celtic community (Aye right!)

Artur Boruc is a big fatso who even on a good day eats 15 pies at the most

[edit] See Also

• Rangers
• Scotland
• Glasgow
• Football
• Catholicism
• Old Firm