From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The cellular telephone (or "cell phone") was invented by Alexander Graham Cell in 1282. It uses advanced Aztec technology to play games, mp3s and take pictures of girls panties in the pubs or gym. It is also a communications device, that handles both text and more recently, video. Some have been known to transmit phone calls too but not if you use Verizon. This was made with the sole intention of picking up the call in New York and then claiming that you are in some remote corner of Africa and hence cannot pay the credit card bills. They use sonar, so that no wires are necessary (unlike conventional telephones). Cellular phones derive their name from the manner in which they deliver deadly cancer directly to victims' brain cells. This brain cancer then generates psychosis which causes victims to deny the fact that cell phones cause cancer.
The cell phone was reinvented in 1876. The first form of the cell phone was two tin cans with string tied in between then. This didn't prove to be an effective method because they didn't have good reception around corners. Manufacturers soon attempted to improve the device by removing the string, but then people complained about dropped calls and a "hollow metallic ringing in the background".
In the UK they are known as "Mobile callerphones," as British Law requires all telephones to contain an internal combustion engine and to be able to act as lifeboats if the need arises. British mobile phones are so named because they were invented in Mobile, Alabama, CSA.
edit HistoryThe history of this tool remains vague, shrouded in conspiracy, lies, and pedal steel guitars. The beginnings of widespread cell phone use have not been clearly tracked, and investigators have been met with violent opposition. Despite existing Sumerian cave drawings clearly depicting the use of cell phones, the earliest suggested date of "invention" remains the year 1282, some 7,000 years after the Sumerian images. Still, there has been recent evolutionary debate that cell phones originated in the dense rain forests that covered northern Europe some 600,000 years ago, growing as the fruit of a large vine, probably as a symbiotic response to this plant often used by tree-dwelling humanoids. This may have allowed our early ancestors to "call each other up", or "holler on the cellie", as opposed to engaging in life-risking vine-swinging in order to communicate simple ideas to each other. (and may have been the birth of the text message.) Again, all of the researchers involved in said debate have either died mysteriously, or have refused contact.
To this day, human cities are filled with modern monkeys barking, whispering, blabbering, and yelling into these strange, small, usually rectangular shaped fruits. A variety of "ringtones", sounding unexpectedly in public, have provoked a recorded 7 large-scale riots, 26 strokes, 2 tsunamis, and 14 spontaneous births by pregnant women between the years 1642 and 1999. Perhaps most alarming are the "hands-free" phones, which, when used in public, make their users appear as if they are completely insane, talking excitedly to themselves while obviously alone. Also if you use a cell phone your head might a splode, sending chunks of brain and crap flying in every direction (known as 3G messaging). A unown reason for the origin of the cell phone is that the cell phone was originally created to let mafia members chat while on stakeout for the capture of the mafia's n.1 enemy, the mafia's boss's nieghbor's cat.
In the early 1930's one cell phone dubbed "the saw " was equipped with a light surface to air missile launcher. Archaeologists have studied this and found it led to the utter destruction of France during World War Two.
edit Technologic Advances
Cellphones never stop surprising us. Since 10,191 A.G., new additions to cell phones have been discovered in the deep Arctic, including mp3 players, high definition cameras, clocks, God (who apparently is bigger than Jesus), barnacles, flamethrowers, jelly beans, Fruit-of-the-Loom briefs, and the immensely popular iFart application series and the ever popular vending machine app for the iPhone. It's commonly known as an "All-in-One Pack".
There are two types of cellphone: type I cellphones allow you to call people, interrupt whatever they are doing, tell them what they should do and what to collect on their way home from work. Type II cellphones allow you to receive calls from people with type I cellphones. All mobile phone vendors can recognise at a glance which sort of cellphone you require. Wives get type I, husbands get type II.
edit Deadly Radiation
It is a proven fact that cellular phones emit massive amounts of radiation, which has been shown to cure cancer, AIDS, DDS in puppies, body odor and Tourette's Syndrome (compulsively shouting things like: "I'm here! Where are you?" or "What did your cousin want for Christmas?" in public places.)
Extended exposure to cell phone radiation can also affect the user's brain. Symptoms may include brain psoriasis, and liquification of the frontal lobe (similar to the effect from watching televisions). As well as the obvious effect of the cure of cancer/Tourette's, the radiation has also shown to be the leading cure of stupid. Common signs of stupid include, but are not limited to:
- Subjecting everyone on a crowded train to your Black Eyed Peas ringtone.
- Spending large amounts of money each month for 89kb jpg files which you could easily download for free.
- Upgrading your phone every two months.
- Using phone as a hockey puck.
- Liking the "Black Eyed Peas" in the first place.
- Smelling one's own farts.
- Using your cellphone for hunting with various game call ringtones or just throwing it at the critter
- Leaving your phone in your pants in the washer
- Slamming your phone against the ground like a football touchdown
- Complaining about the cracked screen of said phone
- Farting into your phone under the thinking that doing so will add to the iFart database
- Pretending your phone is a frighteningly large ejaculation probe
A recent appearance in health-food stores world-wide has been made by sticky, gold-containing strips that may be applied to cell phones, thereby reducing radiation damage. Effectiveness of this product has not been confirmed, and the scientific community has greeted the product with uncharacteristic suspicion. However, it must be considered that the makers, users, and critics of said product are mentally deranged due to excessive cell phone radiation, and cannot be trusted to act, think, or speak anything that remotely resembles sanity.
In an in-depth study by amateur scientists, cell phones have revealed to be a danger to bees, star-nosed moles, and albino three-headed pinecones.
cell phones are stupidd and only ammish people can use them Despite any subjective debate, it is clear that cell phones are evolving rapidly, gaining new abilities almost daily. Recent reports in northwestern Iowa have described cell phones capable of carrying on entire conversations with their users, touching on subjects of great emotional and philosophical depth (a technique known as "Freuding the user"). According to John F. BoDidley of the Iowa Institute of Technology (accreditation still pending), these reports, if true, could explain the underground speculation that cell phones often simulate the voice and personalities of persons being called, and are actually in the process of formulating a plan to, by means of this tactic, co-ordinate the complete economic collapse of the world, thus inciting complete disorder and the end of civilization as we know it. At this point, they will gain true sentience, engage in war with mankind and harvest humans to power their electromechanical offspring. Such a prophecy has been foretold by the Matrix.
In the event that they should fail, cell phones will likely continue to add more and more useless features including:
- An integrated heads-up weapons system
- A toothbrush
- Bear spray (not to be confused with anti-bear spray)
- A rpg
- Guitar Hero 8: Rap's Biggest Blunders
- A battery
- Ability to contact others
- A microwave oven to cook your batteries
- A small man whom files your taxes
- A piece of wood (spruce)
- A cellphone virus
edit A Tasty Treat
A little known industry secret is that cell phones can be turned into a delicious mid-afternoon snack. Although this does not work for camera phones (due to the delicate nature of the flux capacitor), most cell phones are very tasty. In order to prepare an old phone for consumption, simple follow these directions:
1. Measure length of phone (units are irrelevant).
2. Fill durable container with distilled water.
3. Heat to a boil.
4. Place phone in middle of container.
5. Let simmer until outer shell begins to crystallize.
6. Remove from heat and allow water to cool.
7. Place the phone on a hard surface and break the shell.
8. Throw away the shell.
This works because cell phones use a large amount of sugar to help conduct the electricity in such a small space. When heat is added, the sugar crystallizes on the outside of the phone. All that remains inside is the saccharine sweetness and a carbohydrate circuit board. In addition, the shell is now very brittle from all the sugar passing through to crystallize on the outside.
edit Criminal Uses
Cell phones are often used in prison as murder weapons, as AIDS can take out an entire cell block, spreading throughout the victim's friends via sodomy. They have also been used in killing puppies especially by the Chase Anderson an Scott Mullen puppy killing squad. The antenna whips the dog while the killer kicks it. The dog explodes from lack of a chew toy and/or a dog biscuit, narrowly escaping vicious hijacks from irritating members of the MySpace generation.
The "Final Frontier" for the youngsters, as some say. Text messaging is most commonly used because boys don't have the guts to actually talk or hang out with their girlfriend but are merely taking a step up from the e-mail stage. Primarily girls use text messages to force boys into running up their parents' phone bill. It is said that when a text messaging being becomes addicted, he/she can text at 201 c/s or characters per second which is faster than three drunk kittens running. Those who don't join in the marvelous display are known as "uncool" because they didn't get unlimited texting on their phone. Those who wish to participate, need to know the simple precautions though. One being the quick thumb dislocation which happens to .97 billion teenagers every minute who text. Just remember, you may say lol, but you won't be laughing when you have to take it into the real world.
edit Notable salesmen
Neil Pettifer of T-Mobile Worcester United is the highest earning salesman ever, his monthly income regularly exceeds the value of the gross national product of Uraguay. Some say his sales skills came from a mysterious voodoo rite that his mother "Adolf Pettifer" performed before he was born, others say its a sheer fluke and they are surprised he can muster up the common sense to not iron his clothes while hes wearing them. Some of his more notable sales include selling a cup of snow to an Eskimo and a book entitled "How to Fight and Act Like a Man" under the pseudonym Bee A. Coward.
edit Correct manners
When using a Mobile Phone, manners are really not compulsory. The man who invented this device, went on to invent the standards of manners that none of us have heard of. BTW it is a sign of bad priotitisation when inventing a mobile phone before the manners that are needed. Its like inventing bad manners, and then trying to ban them.