From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Celestial Teapot
- Flaming Youth (1.1): On the first day, the Celestial Teapot created a shapeless void, and it was enveloped in darkness. Teapot said, "Let there be light!" And he flipped the Celestial Lightswitch to "ON". Teapot called this light "day." And Teapot saw that it was good.
- Flaming Youth (1.2): On the second day, Teapot created Heaven. He refuses to disclose exactly how. Teapot works in mysterious ways.
- Flaming Youth (1.3): On the third day, Teapot created land. He gathered the water, and called them seas. And Teapot saw that it was good.
- Flaming Youth (1.4): On the fourth day, Teapot put forth onto the land, pineapples, computers, pipes, boy bands, exercise equipment, sharpies, and kittens. And Teapot saw that it was good.
- Flaming Youth (1.5): And on the fifth day, Teapot created a man and a woman, gave them explicit details of the reproductive process, and passed out contraceptives. The man was named Phil and the woman Phil'erup. And Teapot saw that it was good.
- Flaming Youth (1.6): On the sixth day, Teapot created the rest of the Universe. And Teapot saw that it was moderately okay.
- Flaming Youth (1.7): And on the final day, Teapot had a rest because he was shagged out from all the hard work creating everything.
And of course, as the Holy User's Manual is the Word of Teapot, it must be true!
Shortly after the Celestial Teapot finished his creating, he set about to destroy all the other Gods, achieving his true status as master God. One by one, the Teapot snuck up behind the other Gods, and teabagged them to death.
He then created a son, the Celestial Teacup, and sent him down to Earth to wash away the sins of the humans. He was immaculately conceived by the prophet Jasmine T. Shortly after his birth, the Celestial Teacup wrote the Holy User's Manual, the infallible book of worship. The Celestial Teacup was then captured by Pontius Pirate, leader of the ruling Pastafarians at the time, and sentenced to death. He was crucified, hung on a cross by his handle, but resurrected three days later to return to his father.
The Celestial Teacup was the first in a line of great prophets, including Jasmine T., her brothers Green T. and Ice D. T., her camel, Camomile, and her great-grandson, the Earl of Grey.
Holy User's Manual
The Holy User's Manual consists of several books, notably Flaming Youth, the gospels of the Prophets, a book of palms, several parables, all the way through to the last book, Discombobulation.
Flaming Youth tells the story of the creation of the Universe, and has an adults-only section entailing details of the creation of the first baby. Flaming Youth has been rated 18A by the MPAA.
The books of the prophets detail each one of their visions about the Celestial Teapot and his divine revelations. All prophets were not under the influence of LSD at the time of their visions, despite what you may have heard.
Manualian parables include several stories, the most well known being that of Sohcahtoa's Ark. The story of Sohcahtoa entails his building of a giant ark, and growing every type of tea leaf on it, protecting them from the wrath of Teapot's great flood. Of tea, not water of course.
The final book, Discombobulation, details the events at the end of the world, when the evil power of Juan Valdez has taken over the world. Teapot will whisk all believers away to Mars, where they will live in eternal paradise, while they watch as other religions have a world-wide bloodbath.
The second coming of the Celestial Teapot occurred on August 9th, 2007 (09/08/07). The Celestial Teapot appeared in the dreams of all believers, and told them that they had not converted enough people, and shall not ascend until they have enough.
Second Second Coming
The second second coming is believed to take place on October 16th, 2012. It will only occur if enough people have been converted.
Second Second Second Coming
It is commonly known that at every coming there is a special prophet. The second second second coming will occur on 04/01/19, in accordance with the rule of a new prophet being born.
Ra known to Teapotists as the Anti-bag and constant tormentor of the Celestial Teapot, is known in historical texts as the Egyptian God of the Sun. In his showy self aggrandizing manner he attempts to steal worshipers from the Great Teapot by making it too hot for Tea. All those who do not worship Teapot will be slaves to Ra and are sent to the pits of the earth to boil water in greenhouses for eternity. The true Teapotists know it is never too hot for [[tea, you need only add ice for cool refreshing bliss.
Hierarchy Of Teapotism
- Celestial Teapot - The one, the only, the all.
- Celestial Teacup - The Teapot's son. The most important Prophet of Teapotism.
- Prophets - A chosen few, illuminated by the Teapot's awesomeness.
- Saucer - The ruler of Teapotism, he shall speak only the Teapot's words.
- Great Spoons - The one responsible for a portion of territory.
- Spoons - The one responsible for a Tea Salon.
- Believers - You and me and our neighbors, and soon, the world.
Whenever someone commits an intolerable crime, such as blasphemy against Teapot, a teahad is called against the person who commits it. Teahads usually result in death of the victim, traditionally done by teabagging, in honour of the first death of the other Gods.
There is a famous scripture representing the Teacup telling his prophets "Eat and drink, my friends, for those are my leaves, and this is my water". In this scripture, it is commonly thought that there are 42 prophets sitting around the table with the Teacup. However, in the best seller novel The Michelangelo Code, the author reveals that there were in fact 43 prophets, the hidden one being the soon-to-be first Saucer of Teapotism. Unbeknownst to his 42 prophets, the Teacup had chosen a woman (who shall be named The First) to rule over his newly created cult. The poor woman was brutalized by the prophets after the Teacup's crucifiction, and became a cashier at Wendy's, relieving herself of all the duty she had as Saucer of Teapotism. The official heir of The First is said to be a guy named Harvey McDonald who wanders around subway stations in old New-York.
Upon reading The Michelangelo Code, the current Saucer assumed this was a book of evilness and non-fiction, and so started to worry about his belonging to his position. As we speak, the Saucer's henchmen are looking for Harvey McDonald to put an end to The First's lineage.
In this era, young people tend to forget about values and teachings of the mighty Celestial Teapot. Many minor cults have started to grow and they are attractive to the youth of our nation. One of these cults started in Asia, and is now spreading all around the world. The infamous Bubble Tea has indeed converted many Teapotists.
Do NOT listen to people that tell you Bubble Tea is good. Bubble Tea is evil. It is yet another way for the Celestial Teapot to put your beliefs to the test.
Lots of Cream and Sugar
Along with the Bubble Teapotists, there is a South American group rising. Unsatisfied with Teapotism they claim to have a new book written just yesterday, reveal by their own profit; Sir Higgins Burke. They call themselves the church of LCS and go door to door offering their cream and sugar in such large portions that you can no longer taste the true tea. Their sugar said to often be laced with cocaine and they keep returning until they have their hosts hooked on the tea. They claim that they have the only true message from the Celestial Teapot and that it can be only understood once you've been immersed in the sugar and cream filled tea. The LCS church emphasize the Teapotian Handbook over the Holy User's Manual, which teaches that only through them can you live in the Tealestial realm in the afterlife and they condemn many Teapotists as secret minions of Juan Valdez.
Common Teapotian Prayers
The Teapostles Creed
I believe in the Celestial Teapot, the Father almighty, creator of paradise and earth. I believe in the Celestial Teacup, his only Son, our Lord. He was conceived by the power of the Holy Tea Leaves and born of the Virgin Pina Colada. He suffered under Pontius Pirate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell. On the third day he rose again. He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right handle of the Father. He will come again to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Tea Leaves, the holy Teapotian Church, the communion of prophets, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen.
Hail Pina Colada
Hail Pina Colada, the tea is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst drinks, And blessed is the china of thy womb, Teacup. Holy Colada, pray for us sinners, Now and at the hour of our death, amen.
Our teapot who art in space Hallowed be thine tea, Thy kingdom has come, Thy bidding will be done. On earth because you create heaven, Give us this stay our daily tea, And forgive us our folgers, As we forgive those who go to Tim Hortons, Lead us not into temptation, And deliver us from coffee. For thine is the kingdom, The power the heavens forever and ever. Hail teapot.
Mathematical Proof of Teapot's Omnibenevolence
Failed to parse (lexing error): God=Good^∞
Failed to parse (lexing error): Teapot=Good^∞