Celebrity Impersonation Syndrome
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Celebrity Impersonation Syndrome (CIS) is a serious personality disorder found in several thousands of celebrities. The condition manifests itself by forcing the celebrity to impersonate another person. For some odd reason, several celebrities suffer breakdowns in tandem with one another, similar to how women will have their periods at the same time as each other. When this happens, several cameramen record the mass breakdowns and edits the footage down into a movie format. Average people flock to movie theaters to watch the breakdowns which rakes in millions of dollars for the people who filmed the celebrities having the breakdowns.
The number of people suffering from this Celebrity Impersonation Syndrome has been on the rise since the introduction of the color television into American homes in the 1960s. Only rates of diabetes, obesity, skin cancer, lung cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, and major depression have been faster growing.
The first persons to suffer from this disorder appears to be an ancient Greek called Thespis of Icaria. Ancient newspapers report that Thespis stepped out of the dithyrambic chorus and spoke to them as though he was Dionysus, the god of drunkenness, hangovers, and regret. The audience was befuddled by Thespis' actions and started clapping in an awkward fashion which only served as encouragement to others to act like Thespis and impersonate the Gods. Once the Greeks ran out of Gods to impersonate, they began impersonating each other.
In an attempt to confine those suffering from CIS, the noble Caligula ordered all CIS suffers to be confined to buildings called "theatres". Shortly thereafter, Caligula realized he could make money off of the CIS suffers and began charging normal people to see them suffer breakdowns. This tradition continues to this day.
Originally, people with CIS were treated like the lowlife scum they were and in the early Middle Ages traveling CIS groups were viewed with distrust because they were thought to carry the Black Plague. In many parts of Europe, people afflicted with CIS could not even receive a Christian burial leaving those with CIS forever condemned to a burning rimming at the hands of the Devil. However, as humanity became less manly, the negative perception of CIS was largely reversed in the 19th and 20th centuries, and now many children dream of suffering from Celebrity Impersonation Syndrome rather than doing something worthwhile like becoming a doctor or baseball player.
People suffering from CIS exhibit several unique symptoms including including vocal projection, clarity of speech, physical expressiveness, an ability to fake emotions, a well-developed imagination, the ability to interpret drama, and rampant drug use.
Many CIS sufferers die tragically and unexpectedly, many with copious amounts of experimental drugs in their bloodstreams and noses. Some examples include Judy Garland and probably a few others, but the most notable death of from CIS and copious amounts of experimental drugs was that of political activist and noted ginger Judy Garland.
Like most disorders, doctors and statisticians have tried to rank CIS suffers. The 6 levels of ranking, developed by critics like Roger Ebert, are as follows:
- A-list suffers (such as Jessica Alba and Will Smith)
- B-list suffers (such as William Fichtner and Richard Jenkins
- C-list suffers (such as the cast of All in the Family)
- Kathy Griffin and high school drama students
- Porn stars (such as the woman and man having sex on the other tab open in your browser)
- Mimes (the only ones still treated as cancer by society)
The critics tend to give awards to people with CIS for entertainment. These awards include the Oscars, Emmys, and Razzies. These award shows typically interrupt more enjoyable programming, such as the White House Correspondents Dinner and House.