Celebrity Advice/Answer 12

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George W.

Dear Tony,

I had a problem just like yours a few years back. One of my neighbors - let's call him Hassam Suddein was driving me nuts! I don't even know why, he didn't do nothing to me directly but every time I saw his grinning face all I could think off was raining death from above down on him, and maybe some of his other neighbors. I mean, he used to blow his mouth off a bit, and one time he knocked over the fence between his yard and another neighbor. Then he took over that neighbor's house for a while and stayed there 'til the community rallied round and kicked him out. He didn't really bother nobody after that but I just couldn't let it lie - I kept trying to get the cops to arrest him but they weren't interested, so I hacked his emails, cancelled all his credit cards and sat outside his house threatening to blow up any delivery-van that tried to take food into his house. But he just stopped feeding his kids. I started feeling kinda guilty when his mother died 'cause I wouldn't let the ambulance up his driveway to help.

Anyhow, someone (I forget who, I reckon it could have been Dick Cheney) said Hassam had a gun in there. So I just kicked his door down and tore the place up looking for it. I didn't find nothing but his family was delighted to see me at first - till they started fighting over the TV remote. I didn't find Hassam for over a year neither. Turned out he was hiding under the bed all along.

If you want my advice, try to ignore your neighbor or, if you can't, move. I invested so much energy in getting rid of mine that I lost my job. And now, without Oprah, my days would be completely empty.

Y'all write back now.


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