From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Ceiling Cat was created long ago, when he created himself and all things. Every time the worlds align in their crystal spheres a harmonic tone can be heard, this is the coming of Ceiling Cat to appease his worshipers. They revere him by their ancient traditions (see masturbate) and accept his whispered secrets and truths. Typically it cuts a crude hole in your ceiling, and proceeds to observe you act out your perverted sexual fantasies from its superior vantage point... it may even give you decent cooking advice if it cuts a hole in your kitchen ceiling, but DO NOT COOK the Ceiling Cat.
No matter how much its flesh tempts you, eating one is bad luck. The Ceiling Cat is able to view chronic masturbators through the installation of cameras and recording equipment. The best examples are loaded onto YouTube within two shakes of a cat's tail. So when you look up again in auto sexual abandon, check if you can see a cat looking back at you and pointing a camera at your wanking toy.
edit History of Ceiling Cats
edit The discovery of Ceiling Cats
In the late 15th Century, the Earl of Batavia, after a session of 'Choking ye olde dolphin' looked to the ceiling and said, "Holy Shit! How long has that little pussy been watching me pleasure myself?!?! I better go into the attic and see what's going on!" The Earl was never seen again. The Earl was also a frequent huffer of kittens, and somehow successfully captured the Ceiling Cat. It was a indeed a battle great, and it ended up with the Earl of Batavia containing the only known captive specimen of Ceiling Cat ever caught on canvas. The Earl attempted an early form of Kitten Huffing, but was inexperienced of the practice and was unable to do so. Some speculate that he died, others speculate that he overdosed. The Ceiling Cat disappeared but for years after people complained they were being watched.
edit Speculation of Purpose
Some propose that Ceiling Cats are not just there to watch or prevent masturbation, but also for structural support of roofs.
It has been said that, from unidentified sources, the vast majority of Ceiling Cats are highly skilled in the art of masonry and only as a side affect do they watch you Bash the Bishop - possibly a popular break-time tradition since the first sightings. Because of this behaviour, Ceiling Cats are often confused with Pedobear.
edit Ceiling Cat Removal
edit How to get rid of a Ceiling Cat
There is only one way to rid of a Ceiling Cat. Do not masturbate! Without a ready supply of sexual acts to feed its perversions, it will be forced to move on and find a new meat-loving male or female. However, many individuals find this technique so distressing that they give up and are reconciled with their ceiling catty fate. Unfortunately there is no other way to get rid of a Ceiling Catinfestation, you will just have to learn to enjoy the attention. There could be a possible exception in not wanting the ceiling cat to watch you. In standard Russian reversal you would watch the Ceiling Cat masturbate.
edit Ceiling Cat Deterrents
You may have recently been bombarded with pop-ups trying to sell you "Herbal ceiling cat deterrents" with "no side effects!", guaranteed to "rid you of your ceiling cat troubles once and for all!" and "I`crease Your Sexual Desire and Sperm volume by 500% L'onger o`rgasms - The longest most intense orgasms of your life Multiple o`rgasms". DO NOT BE TRICKED INTO BUYING THESE USELESS "DETERRENTS". The sad truth is that no effective Ceiling Cat deterrents currently exist on the market, and these people are just trying to scam desperate and horny old ladies (old ladies like their privacy) out of their hard-earned cash in an effort to make a quick buck.
The only known effective deterrent to ceiling cats is an experimental product from the Xen Extraterrestrials, Now! (XEN) corporation called the "Ceiling Headcrab." Ceiling headcrabs are immune to ceiling cat lasers but light kills them! This product will route the ceiling cats out of your attic and interstitial spaces at the minor expense of turning the ceiling cats into blood-thirsty ceiling cat-zombies (a.k.a. "pussombies") which will attempt to eat your brains if you are caught masturbating, or seclusive, stationary ceiling cat-barnicles (a.k.a. barnicats) which provide aid in performing autoerotoasphixia.
These trade-offs are most welcome to the cat-infested community because pussombies move more slowly than the lightning-quick laser eyes of ceiling cat, and barnicats are easy enough to kill if you happen to have a drum of gasoline and a few bullets laying around. One major product drawback is that ceiling headcrabs have an intrinsic tendency to break electronics like computer monitors and pan-dimentional teleporters, but this is only a real problem if you attempt to de-beak and domesticate a ceiling headcrab as feral ceiling headcrabs naturally avoid human living quarters. Unless you are wearing orange; they hate that colour. And they hate crowbars for some reason, most likely because no headcrab has ever walked away from one without a headache.
edit Ground Cats
Ground cats are an experimental new type of cat made by combining the DNA of a ceiling cat and one of the fabled tiny orange ones. They appear outside, so that even when you are outside, you can not escape the raw power of ceiling cat! They are however, due to an error in the DNA splicing, huffable. They are extremely dangerous and immune to even ceiling headcrabs. Beware the ground cat.