Cedarburg

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“This place is evil, even by my standards!”
~ Adolf Hitler on Cedarburg
“I screwed them over and they love me!”
~ Ronald Reagan on Cedarburg

“Could it be more dysfunctional?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cedarburg

“That's the place with the little shops! *Wink wink, nudge nudge*”
~ Anonymous on Cedarburg


Cedarburg
Alcatraz2
Main Prison Building
Motto: "We hate them damn townies!"
Civic anthem: The screaming of small children to the tune of "God Save the Queen"
State Wisconsin
Official nickname "Da Berg," "Alcatraz 2" or "Alcatraz: the Sequel" (as if one wasn't enough!), "Republican City"
Official language(s) English, Russian
Mayor Hannibal Lecter
Established 1742 by Lepers
Re-Established 1745 by Pladimir Vutin (of Russia)
Re-Re-Established 1845 by Cannibals
Currency Human Heads
Opening hours 4:30 AM - 5:00 PM
Dialing code 666

Cedarburg is one of Wisconsin's many bullshit cities, and of course is incredibly boring to live in. Young citizens of this city are limited to activities like stone skipping, rock jumping, crawfish huffing (a relatively hazardous activity), making fun of emo kids, over using narcotics, developing their white-supremacist views, which have been ingrained in them by parents and the local police from birth, and loitering on main street.

Geography

Cedarburg, is a small city in Wisconsin, just about 10 feet away from The Apocolyptic Black Hole of Impending, but Not Quite Here Yet, Doom.

Black-hole
The Apocalyptic Black Hole of Impending, but Not Quite Here Yet, Doom

One of Cedarburg's most notable features is Cedar Creek. In 1984, president Ronald Reagan, his true identity being Ronald Raygun, had all of the radioactive material in the United States of America dumped in Cedar Creek. This has resulted in mutation of the local frog population. Now all of the frogs in Cedarburg are the size a school buses and eat people walking down the street.

History

Founding

The city of Cedarburg was founded in the year 1742 by a colony of leper outcasts (possibly from Illinois) known as the Cedar Lepers. They quickly settled in and began a peaceful life. Soon after, they were killed by a pack of vicious rabid dogs with exception of one small boy by the name of George W Bush who escaped and was frozen in a block of ice before emerging and becoming the supreme dictator of United States of America-S.S.R. The city was rediscovered three years later by a Russian explorer named Pladimir Vutin who founded the first (and last) North American Kitten Empire. Pladimir brought his army of kittens over from Russia. The Empire prospered for exactly one-hundred years when, in 1845, all of the kittens and Russians were captured and eaten by the first cannibalistic Americans to enter the area. The Americans settled in the area, and later gave up their cannibalistic ways... or did they...

The Americans (who apparently became cannibals just to get rid of the Russians) renamed the city after the first settlers.

On the way to RACISM er... I mean modernization... yeah *smiles nervously* modernization

CedarburgSlaveHouse
The shoe factory and "Chinatown," a small building in which every Asian in Cedarburg lives.

In 1866, several former American Civil War soldiers returned to Cedarburg with some black market slaves. This explains why Cedarburg is so racist today. The slaves were put to work in the newly built shoe factory. This factory polluted the water of Cedar Creek, which still causes genetic mutation in children and frogs today.

The Nazi Party

During World War II, Cedarburg sided with Nazi Germany. The United States government responded by freeing all of Cedarburg's slaves (the Cedarburgers had bribed the government up until that point). At the end of the war, the entire Cedarburg city government was executed for war crimes. Despite the fact that all of the Nazi leaders in Cedarburg were executed, Cedarburg remains the headquarters of the Nazi Party to this. Soon after the executions, Hannibal Lecter took power and has been the mayor ever since.

The Dark Age of Reagan

Today, Cedarburg is a very troubled city. There are two main problems in Cedarburg

  • 1) Almost all of Cedarburg is a Prison
  • 2) The Giant, Mutant Frogs

All three of these problems can be traced to Ronald Reagan, or as he's actually known Ronald Raygun.

Since 1983, Cedarburg has proudly used the nickname "Alcatraz 2" as well as "Alcatraz: the Sequel." Reagan turned Cedarburg into a prison in 1983 to house all of his childhood enemies whom he called Communists just to stir up McCarthyism again.

Cedarburg has been plagued by mutant frogs the size of school buses since 1984. The giant mutant frogs were Reagan's fault because, in 1984, he decided to dump all of the radioactive waste in the United States of America in Cedar Creek, which runs right through Cedarburg. Its believed that he did this to pollute the water in the USSA, his arch-nemesis.

John McCain and Sarah Palin

2812468578 55ef0a58ba
McCain and Palin

In 2008, John McCain and Sarah Palin visited Cedarburg to try to seduce more people to their evil cause. The people of Cedarburg just loved them, despite the fact that Sarah Palin called Cedarburg a small town and said that the residents were factory workers and farmers, with the exception of the mafia and the Asians. In fact, McCain and Palin were proclaimed the offical heros of Cedarburg just for coming to Cedarburg. McCain and Palin were captured by residents of the town of Cedarburg on their way out of the the city and were held hostage. Because of this, McCain couldn't run in the 2008 election and Barack Obama became the president.

NOTE: RUSSIA CANNOT BE SEEN FROM CEDARBURG.

Cedarburg Today

Today Cedarburg is ruled by a large congregation of zombies called "Tourists". They rule the town with an iron fist and follow a constant cycle of touring and detouring. They enjoy doing annoying things which include, but are not limited to: jaywalking, street/shop/restaurant crowding, taking as much time to cross the road as possible, asking stupid questions, lollygagging, acting like they own the damn joint, and being dumb enough to come here in the first place.

Demographics

Population

Today, Cedarburg has a population of 10,908. 10,503 of those people are convicts currently locked in their cells in the prison that is Cedarburg, locally known as "Alcatraz 2" or "Alcatraz: the Sequel." There are a five Cedarburg residents who are convicts but are not locked up at the moment seeing as they escaped last night. All 10,508 of Cedarburg's convict residents are awaiting execution for their terrible crimes.

The other 400 residents who aren't convicts are mostly mortgaged-to-the-hilt weenies, their stick-legged wives, and their bratty children who suffer from entitlement mentality. The typical Cedarburg man has never changed his car's oil, does not know what his children look like, and tends to wear coordinated ensembles when going downtown for coffee on Saturday mornings. The typical Cedarburg woman (wife v1.0) is deathly afraid of losing her husband to his younger secretary (wife v2.0) and spends 82.4% of her time at the spa in a vain attempt at keeping him from leaving her. The typical Cedarburg child spends 99% of his free time playing soccer and hockey, and 60.3% of his father's income on a Jeep Wrangler and useless apps and stupid songs from iTunes. This figure will later climb to 120% when the child enters college and demands a new SUV under the pretense that the vehicle is safer than the old Wrangler after a long night of narcotic abuse. The typical child also has a 1st grade education, although most children are in higher grade levels. 9/4 of the student population is bad at math (fractions specifically) and 56.4% of children cannot spell at the required spelling level for their grade to save their lives. In general, it's not much better outside of the prison than it is inside.

Cultures

Whites

It is generally noted that Germans rule Wisconsin, but Cedarburg also has several other white cultural minority groups. For example, many Irish run rampant in this town especially on nights and weekends, drinking and often leaving a horrible mess everywhere. Italians also own a few shops and it is common knowledge that the Italian mafia has an embassy in Cedarburg. Some Polish have been reported cavorting in the sewers, but no one is sure if this is a myth or an actual invasion of those damned Poles. One final white minority is rumored to exist in Cedarburg. This is the French, but it is believed that any French in Cedarburg are hiding, possibly with the Poles.

Racism and African-Americans

Since the first African-Americans were brought to Cedarburg as slaves in 1866, Africans and African Americans have been discriminated against. Even after the United States government freed all the slaves in Cedarburg in 1941, none of the former slaves were treated equally. This has carried over to today. Children have started to "celebrate" (mock by being a stereotypical as humanly possible) Black culture. The adults of the community are such imbeciles that they actually believe that their children don't hate all other races.

Racism and Asians

The first Asian immigrants came to Cedarburg in 1750 with Pladimir Vutin. Throughout the 1700s and the early and middle 1800s, the Asians were treated equally in Cedarburg. In fact, everyone loved the Asians. Chinese New Year was the biggest holiday in all of Cedarburg. the only people in Cedarburg who didn't like the Asians were the Irish, and nobody like the Irish so no one cared what they thought.

In 1882, President Chester A. Arthur passed a series of anti-Asian law. Suddenly, the people of Cedarburg didn't like the Asians any more. What's worse is that everyone seemed to love the Irish, too. The people of Cedarburg organized themselves into a mob and chased all the Asians in Cedarburg to Canada. No Asians even came into the city gain until 1926.

In 1926, an Asian family moved to Cedarburg. the people of Cedarburg forced the family to live a small metal house that looked like a pagoda, built right next to the shoe factory, where all of the African Americans lived at the time. This cold pagoda building was later named "Chinatown." Since 1926, more Asians have moved to Cedarburg, but they've all been forced to live in "Chinatown." it is believed that the stereotype of Asian people sleeping in drawers originated in Cedarburg because more than 50 Asian people are forced to live in the two room and an attic "Chinatown" building at the same time. Hence, many of them do sleep in drawers.

Racism and Hispanics and Latinos

Of all of the races in Cedarburg, white people seem to hate Latinos and Hispanics second most. This probably because most of the people in Cedarburg feel threatened by them. It's ironic that most of the people in Cedarburg try to be hard-core capitalists, but they want they country to have a controlled economy when their jobs are at stake.

Racism and Middle Easterners

Cedarburgers, being the stereotypical, hateful people that they are, obviously hate Middle Easterners, regardless of whether they're Muslims, Christians, Jews, or Zoroastrians. According to a recent poll, 9 out of every 10 Cedarburg residents believe that every Middle Easterner is a terrorist.

Turks

Fez
You gotta admit that the Turks got style.

No one can explain exactly why, but Cedarburg residents just love Turks. There are about 150 Turks in Cedarburg, none of them are convicts. As of 2009, the most popular name for children born that year in Cedarburg was Abdul. This was closely followed by Ahmet, with Mehmet in third place, Akbar in fourth, and Mustafa coming up in fifth.

It is believed that the Turkish mafia also has an embassy in Cedarburg, but no one cares because Turkish people are just so cool!

Imitation Turks

Everybody hates imitation Turks (the jerks from Turks and Caicos Islands), especially the residents of Cedarburg. Those fake Turks come round here and are all like "We're Turks, too. Our country's name had 'Turks' in it. Does Turkey have 'Turks' in it? No. So we must be the real Turks so love us and not them. Oh and can I borrow your car tonight?"

Tourists

The city of Cedarburg is also teeming with tourists, of course, who have been disowned by all cultures seeing as tourists are the worst breed of human known to exist. Despite the fact that Cedarburg would have no economic activity at all if the tourists went away, Cedarburgers despise tourists above all else. Conflict between the gull-like tourists and local mafia over domination of the city is expected to soon escalate into a Tourist-Mafia War.

Religion

Most people in Cedarburg are traditionally Christians, but there are now some atheist heathens, and a small Jewish community that is currently in hiding. Muslims are not allowed into Cedarburg because most people, being uneducated believe that all Muslims are terrorists. Also, Cedarburg has through the years contained and let grow one of the most robust and outgoing Flying Spaghetti Monster cults in the world. It is also worth noting that Richard Dawkins has been permanently banned from Cedarburg.

Services

Water

Cedarburg
Locals who have been affected by the opium in the water participate in an activity known as creek poking.

The Cedarburg water system is the worst in Wisconsin. When the Cedarburg economy went into decline in the 1940s, after the United States government shut down the slave trade, the Cedarburg city government needed to find ways to save money. One way was use all local water, instead of bringing water in from Lake Michigan and Loch Ussie, which was very expensive. Instead, the Cedarburg government hooked a big pipe up to Cedar Creek. They promised the residents that the city was decontaminated, but really they just ran the water through a fishing nets so that fish, tires, river monsters, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, murder victims, and old shoes wouldn't get stuck in peoples sink faucets. There were several problems with this filtration method. Firstly, the engineers who designed this system had no common sense at all. They built the entrance to the pipe downstream from where the sewer which carried sludge, radioactive waste, blood, cyanide, human waste, LSD, arsenic, liquid cocaine, liquid heroine, and an enormous dose of opium into the creek meaning that people in Cedarburg basic drink their own shit. Secondly, Cedarburg is also downstream from Opium Springs, Wisconsin. Opium Springs is the only place in the world where liquid opium occurs naturally. The famous opium springs of Opium Springs connect to Cedar Creek. This brings the makeup of the "water" in Cedar Creek up to 80% opium, 10% radioactive waste, 5% other drugs, 3% bio-waste, 1.5% water, 0.5% other. Thirdly, and the final problem that we are aware of at the moment, Cedar Creek is a breeding ground for all sorts of horrible parasites. Cedarburg residents have been known to fall over and slowly wither and break apart after drinking a glass of water because very small parasite have gotten in them and eaten away at them.

Cedarburg Police

Expensive Car
Another fine example of Cedarburg's excellent budget spending.

Since Cedarburg is such a small town, the police have nothing better to do then pick on law abiding citizens, which doesn't really make sense seeing as there is an enormous prison nearby and there's generally a breakout every week. Instead, they sit around on street corners and hand out speeding tickets to people who are driving the speed limit. While they're unjustly ticketing good people, people are actually speeding past them and there might be a shot out nearby. The police hate every minor and all the minority groups (with the exception of the Turks) that lives in this town. If you live here, it is generally suggested that you just stay in your house and eat hot pockets.

If choose to go out, and do so at night, avoid all major roads. The police patrol the streets to fight all forms of crime (or everything). The police carry shotguns, riot sticks, doughnuts, M16 Rifles, Rocket Launchers and many other various objects on their persons at all times. As you can see, the town is very good at spending its yearly budget.

Although every police officer will deny it, they are all addicted to doughnuts. They have often framed innocent people for crimes just so they could confiscate doughnuts because the doughnuts are "important evidence." It is believed that this doughnut addiction started in the early 1920s, when Charlie Chaplin and the Marx Brothers baked nicotine into a batch of the police's doughnuts as a joke. The country's top scientist are currently working on a cure for the 80-some-years worth of addiction.

Education

Elementary Schools

At the age of 5, all children in Cedarburg are abducted and taken to an elementary school in Cedarburg, as far way from their families as possible. There are three elementary schools in Cedarburg: West Military Parade Ground (formerly Westlawn), Military Parade Ground View (formerly Parkview), and Thorson on the Military Parade Ground (formerly just Thorson before a military parade ground was built around the school). It is in these schools that children are turned from being nice little children into evil people ready for middle school. The elementary schools are made up of kindergarten through 5th grade.

  • Kindergarten - 5 year old children who are to turn 6 sometime within the next year are in this level. In this grade, children are taught to march, make their beds, cook horrible military-quality food, sing patriotic songs, use basic weapons such as guns and simple knives, and spell important words and phrases such as "enemy," "patriotism," "kill," and "Die you foreign scumbag!" It is in Kindergarten that all the weak nerds are sorted out of the mix and, based on their strength and coordination, are either sent home at which point their parents must find them a new school that actually teaches academic subjects or, if they meet the minimum strength and coordination requirement, the nerd is simply harassed by other students and teachers fro the rest of his or her school career. In this grade, children recite "My country, right or wrong" 50 times each day, instead of saying the Pledge of Allegiance. Towards the end of the year, students also begin combat training. After passing a basic combat test, students move on to 1st grade.
1426476 child150-1-
A young student at one of the Cedarburg elementary schools.
  • 1st Grade - In 1st grade, children learn the Pledge of Allegiance, take more complicated combat training, and take an "Introduction to Explosives" course. To pass 1st grade, students take a combat test and a test in which they must disable a live explosive device.
  • 2nd Grade - In 2nd grade, students take an "Introduction to Martial Arts for Military Use," "Basic Espionage for Beginners," "Explosives," "Advanced Combat," and an hour of running each day. At the end of the year, students take a martial arts test and an Espionage and Agility test.
  • 3rd Grade - In 3rd grade, students take "Martial Arts for Military Use," "Espionage," "Advanced Explosives," "Extreme Combat," and a class in the exploits of Ronald Reagan.
  • 4th Grade - In 4th grade, students take "Black belt Martial Arts," "Nuclear Explosives," "An Introduction to Military Map Making and Strategy," "Reading" (books such as the Art of War and other military books), and a class in "Honor." At the end of 4th grade, students take a test to see if they place into 5th Grade or Extreme 5th Grade.
  • 5th Grade, 1st Semester - In the 1st semester of 5th grade, students take "KICKASS! Combat," "Movie-Level KICKASS! Martial Arts," "Strategy," and "Engineering for Military Purposes." Several students usually die during the first semester.
  • 5th Grade, 2nd Semester - In the 2nd semester of 5th grade, students, who have now been properly educated in military matters, take a series of classes taking up all 24 hours of the day, on how to be a rebellious, horny Teenager. By June, every student with the exception of the nerds (if any have actually survived) hate all adults and are constantly thinking about sexual matters. They are finally ready for middle school and are returned to their families whom they haven't seen in 6 years.
  • Extreme 5th Grade - The ten best students in the each school are placed in Extreme 5th Grade. This means that they actually leave Cedarburg altogether with fake identities and train in their choice of the United States Army, the United States Air Force, the United States Navy, or the United States Marine Corps. They will serve in the US Military for the rest of their lives and never have an education in being a teenager.

Webster Transitional School

Arthur L. Webster Transitional School (aka Webster Transitional School (aka WTS - standing for "What the Shit!")) is a middle school like any other middle school. The girls pretend to be friends but really just want to tear each-other's hair out. Most of the boys are jocks. There are a few nerds, but not many. The children at Webster don't actually do any schoolwork because they're too busy hanging out with their friends, dating, and secretly doing it in school bathrooms and city parks. By 8th grade, most students are highly educated in disliking and disrespecting adults.


(The 8th Graders at Webster Transitional School are obsessed with posting questions about whose the 'cutest boy at webster' and 'whose the best singer at webster' and other pointless, useless questions that nobody cares the answer to on Formspring.)

Cedarburg High School (CHS)

The Students of Cedarburg High School

The students of Cedarburg High school consist of three political parties that can be arranged vertically as follows:
(NOTE: All sub-categories include spineless assholes, bitches, and retarded teenage girls who don't know how to keep their legs shut.)

  • The "Nerds" - the smallest of the three groups, but the most needed.
  • The "Jocks" - the middle group with all the physical power and the support of the all-powerful ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT led by a powerful entity known as the "Four Legged Spider". The Four Legged Spider was born one day when a spider decided to venture into the pond, not knowing it was filled with toxic waste. The spider quickly emerged from the pond 20 feet tall and 10 feet long and then decided to go seize power of the athletic department.
  • Everyone Else - the largest of the three, but also contains no real power within the walls of CHS.

In fact, one might compare CHS and it's structure to pre-revolutionary France and the National Assembly.

The "Nerds"

The "Band Geeks", "Computer Nerds", "Grade Grubbers", and any combination of the three are the force that keeps the school funding. With their insatiable need for good grades and participating in extracurricular activities no one in their right mind, except for school board members (who are really zombies), cares about. They keep the money from Jim Doyle rollin' in. The sad part is that their population is decreasing due to a recent & ongoing Civil War for dominance of the smart children. Currently an unknown group who are calling themselves the "Master Debaters" is winning this war, but this happens seasonally every year, although their power grew more than usual due to an unusually high turn out rate this year. The marching band in Cedarburg, however, provides another useful service. They serve as the local area firing squad for public executions. The Olympic event of the nerds in CHS is the PONG. This is a collection of geeks and their computers in the lunchroom where they trade porn and downloaded movies.

The "Jocks"

The jocks/rednecks/sport all-stars use their brute force and dumb sense of reasoning to own the school in the eyes of the students, but not necessarily the faculty. In CHS, they enjoy acting like they own everything (and unfortunately it isn't hard to get them to think that) and will do everything they can to keep it that way. The football players are above the law. If something happens between you and a "jock" and the "jock" is completely in the wrong and what they did is illegal, they will not be tried or put to justice till after sport seasons. Don't expect anything from the Cedarburg police, as you can read from the article above. But even if the cops tried to do anything about it, the Four Legged Spider would simply pull out a lazer gun, shoot a hole through their head, and throw the dead body in the pond with all the other toxic waste. So pretty much, the jocks control the student population.

Everyone Else

The final and least important tier of this pyramid is everyone else. They really have no idea what is going on and to them ignorance is bliss. No one actually cares about them and they simply exist to give the "jocks" someone to rule over. They don't benefit society in any way, but we tell them they are special anyways, just to make them feel good until they get out of Cedarburg and into the real world at which point they will become more nameless members of the work force. Which, by the way, Cedarburg is not part of, but is in fact, an alternate dimension of white people. This alternate dimension is caused by the Apocalyptic Black Hole of Impending, but Not Quite Here Yet, Doom. So, the only reason Cedarburg exists as we know it is because of this black hole.

The people who are smart


Everyone else who is done with Cedarburg's bullshit and self centered teenagers, changes schools and goes to Grafton, where people actually have respect for themselves and others.

The IMC

IMC stands for Internal Mass-Torturing Center. This is a place where students can go for study hall, use computers, look at porn, and to get an idea of what life is like in a fascist state. However, as soon as one steps into this seemingly lovely, comforting learning center, they are immediately subjected to their loss of free will, life, and fun. The IMC is run by 4 rulers: Three heiresses of fascism and the almighty Social Contract. Earth shakes in fear of the mention of the Contract. The Social Contract rules the human beings within the IMC. Everything and anything is subjected to the Social Contract. Working together to make it a nice learning environment, keeping law and order, and other shit. Students are then forced to voluntarily sign it with their blood, just to make it official. It has something to do with a black magic ritual. If someone believing in free-will is inclined to not sign it, believing that a signature truly is voluntarily they are told that without their signature, if they cause even the most minor disturbance, they would immediately subjected to punishment so severe as to make Guantanamo Bay look like playschool. There would be no warnings.

The Social Contract is served by minions called the Social Enforcers. Social Enforcers can do anything they one. Several eyewitness accounts swear that Social Enforcers have publicly executed students for breaking the Social Contract. It is high possible that the Social Enforcers are banished disciples of Cthulhu.

Cedarburg Park Systems

Cedarburg has extremely poor sanitation in the parks. Recent studies done by Captain Obvious have determined that there has been an increased rate in radiation since the year 1984, when all of the radioactive waste in the United States was put in Cedarburg. This radiation seems to come out the most in the Cedarburg Parks. One example would be Centennial Park, possibly the most dangerous place known to mankind. Centennial Park also just happens to be right near the only place in Cedarburg that lower class citizens live. Coincidence? I THINK NOT! The two ponds in the middle of the park are the places in which the Giant, Mutant Frogs mutated. Many people who live around that area look at the pond and find it as a valid place to find some drug replacements (i.e. radiation highs), but little do they know that the fluids inside the pond actually harm people. That is the reason why all the "poor" people cannot get better jobs, as they are in such a stupor that they don't know the difference between Goldilocks and cheese. But if someone accidentally steps inside the pond, their limb will most likely disintegrate, followed by parasites eating at their body for the rest of their life. This strange high also attracts the tourists to visit Cedarburg. However, the local mafia really doesn't like this. This "free-high" is one of the contributing factors to the soon-approaching Tourist-Mafia War.

Another park, known as Willowbrook Park, has a pond made out of pure liquid opium. A new species of fish naturally mutated in this pond, known as the "Opium Guppy." Opium Guppies need opium to survive. This led the mafia family that runs the Piggly Wiggly grocery store to breed Opium Tuna, which they sell in their fish market. Because of this, many Cedarburgers now have both an opium addiction and a tuna addiction.

A third park of interest in Cedar Creek Park, although most people know it only as Druggie Park because it is where most drug deals in Cedarburg go down. Children playing in this park often find bits of spilled drugs in this park.

The Town of Cedarburg has only one park, which remains nameless because the townies are too cheap to actually give it a name. Therefore, it is known by most locals simply as "The Dump." The townies, being stingy money-grubbers, naturally don't pay for garbage or recycling pick-up, so they just dump their garbage in small empty plot of land on Cedar Creek. if one walks along the the 20 foot trail that goes around the entire park, one can see beer bottles, used syringes, car batteries, and shotgun shells.

Civil War

Swastika
The Official Seal of the Town of Cedarburg.
Hammer and sickle
The Official Seal of the City of Cedarburg.

Cedarburg has been engulfed in a bloody Civil War between the Town of Cedarburg and the City of Cedarburg since 1985. No one knows exactly how it started, but it is rumored that an Elvis record may have been involved. Later on, the townies proceeded to burn down the library. The city responded by not allowing any townies into the schools. It's believed that Ronald Reagan planted the record that started the Civil War because football season was over and he wanted to watch something violent. Since 1985, 5,012 Cedarburg residents from both the city and the town have been killed in the Civil War. The city has let the convicts out of the prison four times since 1985 in exchange for attacking the town, the last time being in January 2010. Each time, the convicts have attacked the town, but then they always come back and burn the city down as well. When will the Cedarburg city government ever learn!?!

The Great Wall of Cedarburg

Wall campers
The Great Wall of Cedarburg will city troops.

In 1989, a Cedarburg contractor, living in the city, not the town, was watching television. On the television he saw some German guys tearing down a wall in Berlin. The he got a great idea. he and the other city residents would build a wall between the city and the town, just like those clever Germans and their Russian friends. The next day they built a giant wall between the town and the city. There was only one way through, which was the house of man named Harry. Harry's house was between the Town and the City so the wall was built right through the house. However, the wall did not divide the dining room, as not to disrupt the house's Feng shui. And so, Harry's dining room became the Cedarburg demilitarized zone. Guards from the town and the city were stationed on either end of the room. Of course, Harry didn't have any say in the matter whatsoever. As payment, the city named Harry's house "Checkpoint Harry." Harry would have preferred just to have the wall taken out of his house.

Then there came the task of naming the wall. One person suggested that it be named "the Cedarburg Wall," another suggested that be named "Fuck you townies!" and yet another person suggested that it be named "Oatmeal." All of these suggestions were voted down. Then a teenage girl came up with a really original idea. She suggested that they name it "The Great Wall of Cedarburg" because it was the biggest wall in Cedarburg. Everyone loved it except for one historian who insisted that the girl had stolen the idea from the Chinese. The city residents got angry because they thought he was trying to make them look like fools, so they banished him to "Chinatown" since he "thought Asians were so great."

In some cases, however, the wall hasn't proved effective mainly because it stops where the city's jurisdiction ends so townies and city folk who want to attack each other can just walk around the wall. The convicts seem to enjoy knocking holes in the wall with the heads of other convicts, non-criminal city folk, and townies.

The Mafia

Paper Stalin
Don Mario
Frank Sinatra
Don Frank Sinatra

Cedarburg has the largest mafia concentration in all of Wisconsin. There are three mafia families currently operating in Cedarburg: the Mario Family, the Sinatra Family, and the Turks who are really just considered to be a friendly community organization with odd ways of getting money. The Mario Family was the original mafia family in Cedarburg. Don Mario, leader of the Mario family wears the emblem of the City of Cedarburg on his hat because he actually came up with that symbol. The Sinatra Family came up to Cedarburg from Chicago in the 1930s. They and the Mario Family have been enemies ever since.

Mob History

Mario came to the United States from the Mushroom Kingdom in 1910 after he was chased out by Don Bowser. Mario didn't see any place for himself in New York City, so he moved out to Chicago in 1911, only to be chased out 3 days later by a Pyromaniac cow. Mario settled in Cedarburg and his wife, Princess Peach, soon followed. Mario recruited some local men to join his gang and they soon became professional gangsters. During prohibition, the Mario Family sold liquor. In 1931, some punk kid named Frank Sinatra came to Cedarburg from Chicago with his gang. The Mario family showed up at the hotel they were staying in and killed 3 gangsters in a gun fight. The Sinatra Family settled down in Cedarburg just to be spiteful and opened a grocery store called the Piggly Wiggly.

When prohibition ended, both families became poor. Then, in 1942, a German scientist discovered opium in Cedar Creek. The Sinatra Family killed the scientist before anyone else could find out and began selling the opium. The secret only lasted for one year for a mole in the Sinatra Family told the Marios about the opium. Since then, both the Mario Family and Sinatra Family have started selling other illegal drugs as well.

In 1971, some Turkish mafia guys moved to Cedarburg to be with their families. They soon started selling cheap Turkish opium and smuggled Turkish Coffee. This started a new, three way mafia war which continues today.

In 2005, 12 members of the Sinatra Family were killed by Mario Family assassins in the infamous "Piggly Wiggly Massacre." This brought new ferocity into the mob war.

The Mafia on Tourists

The all three Cedarburg Mafias hate tourists because most tourists come to Cedarburg for the free drugs. It's expected that a Tourist-Mafia War will start soon.

Notable Gangsters

Local Events

Cedarburg has only one community celebration: the annual Winter Murder festival; which includes great community activities such as an "every many for himself butcher's knife fight", a cannibalistic meat pie eating contest, a "stick the sharp knife in the liberals as many times as you can" contest and many more equally gruesome and totally legal activities. The convicts just love this festival!

Places You Should NEVER, EVER Go

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