Cavemen
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“HURGH RAWR RAWR!”
~ Caveman on sticking another caveman full of arrows
“Is that a spear, or are you just pleased to see me?”
~ Noel Coward on Cavemen
Cavemen were very interesting humans who lived in caves. Various subspecies of humans lived in caves, including Homo erectus, Homo sapiens, Homo sapiens sapiens (who later from caves to cities because they didn't like the bats), Homo sapiens sapiens sapiens sapiens, and possibly, Homo monkeyenis, which has a really long tail. This article was actually written by a cavewomen, demonstrating the linguistic ability of the writer.
Cavemen are commonly thought of as big, hulking people who look remarkably like apes and who drag other cavemen around by their hair. Actually, most of that is true.
"Cavemen" is also the name of a new sitcom on ABC that has been described by critics as "even wittier than the great comedy C-SPAN." It is already planned to be off the air by mid-October.
Contents |
[edit] Extinction
Cavemen finally became extinct during the 2005BC Atlantic hurricane season, when the village of Bedrock was wiped out by Hurricane Wilma.
[edit] Cave men and the Homo sapiens sapiens
Today's modern cave men as they are commonly described by leading gynocologists hail from Australia. Cave men are very proud of their identity and as a result parade themselves by growing very pathetic patterns with their facial hair. Modern age cave men are also very scared of swimming pools and under no stages will they themselves enter chlorine-filled water or let their young or the people under their custodianship enter water either. They have tried to create several websites encouraging Homo sapiens sapiens to become cave men once again, but unfortunately hosting companies have adamantly refused to provide them hosting service because they are simply outraged at the thought of becoming cave men again and living with the abhorred bats. Not only this but they are against any form of computer idolism as a cult religion within in the business round table of New Zealand.
[edit] Culture
[edit] Food
Cave men were fond of many types of food. One type of food they were fond of is the rock. It was alternatively called a scone or a "scony". The cave men called the raw, uncooked version of their rock a "scony", and the cooked version they called a "Philly cheese steak sandwich".
[edit] Literature
Cavemen were too messed up to have any form of literature other than uncyclopedia
[edit] Technology
[edit] Transport
Another fascinating thing about cave man culture is that they were known to build many grand and wondrous ships. These ships are generally about as large as the Titanic, but all of them were total failures because they seem to always use grass, rocks, chicken feathers, and chicken skin to build their big ships.
Cavemen also have produced a car not so different from the car used in the Flintstones only of a much lower quality. The car is currently marketed under the brand named proton. Breakdowns are common and accident death rate is enjoyably high (enough to contribute to their extinction!)
[edit] Weapons
Cavemen love war, especially those involving great big orgies with great big woolly mammoths. They are known to have an advanced arsenal of rocks and twigs. There is evidence of attempts by large groups of cavemen to gather together and send some of their comrades to space using rocks and hence initiated Star Wars.
[edit] Economy
After incessant fighting and war, where cavemen cannibalize, murder, maul etc. each other to satisfy their needs, Dr.Mahathir (Chief Executive Cavemen) decided to standardize a way where cavemen could barter with less bloodshed. He introduced a currency, also known as the Ringgit, where cowry shells were traded for fuck.
[edit] Communications
Cavemen were rather advanced in certain areas. For example, their communication skills were legendary. They made use of a 4G fourth generation technology which succeeded the 3G. The way 4G works is as follows:
- The cavemen places his hand on his mouth.
- The cavemen then lets out a long howl while flapping his hand against his mouth.
- Gamma Rays are produced.
- Other cavemen senses it and responds using the same technology.
It is rumored that the technology was passed down by Tarzan himself.
It is a commonly used technology in Malaysia.
[edit] Food Habits
Cavemen were gatherers and hunters. Unfortuantly, they didn't really gather that much great food, which is probably why they died out, and they hunted with nothing but big clubs of stone or wood, which were very difficult to use.
A typical hunting trip of the average caveman would go something like this:
- Find big club
- Gallop over large plain
- Spy big hairy animal
- Run after big hairy animal
- Give up running after big hairy animal
- Go sit by tar pit and wait for big hairy animal to fall in
- Finally use club on big hairy animal dying in tar pit and drag home
- Skin the dead animal and drain all of its blood to make a new lava lamp
Most of the time this hunting method did not work, in which case the caveman in question would have to live on poisonous berries until they found another dying mammal in a tar pit. The berries most likely had a large effect on their lifespan, making it thirty years or less, which totally sucks. Not to mention that they were constantly constipated.
[edit] Living habits
Stone caves with wickedly cool art drawn all over the place were usually the homes of most cavemen. Thus the name cavemen (hyuck hyuck). However, fires were not built in these caves because the inhabitants would have suffocated and died. Although considering their low IQ, this probably happened a lot.
Cooking with fire was not one of the cavemans better skills they frequently burned the hair off of themselves and overcooked their meals until they looked like charred husks. Many times the fire would die out because they never realized that you must put fuel into the fire to keep it going which probally saved their meals from being overcooked.
Some cavemen were nomads, and had no permanent home or mailing address. They travelled on the backs of wild dogs and occasionally fought other traveling bands of nomads while on dogback for no apparent reason. Mostly cavemen were not very mobile as not to have invented the wheel until the late caveman era. Many could be seen sitting next to rocks (their vehicle of choice) hopping up and down seemingly irritated that they never made it to their cavegirls home which is why many seemed to have died out.
The language of cavemen is not exactly known, so modern man likes to get amusement by imagining that the cavemen's speech was made up of purely grunts. Many comic strips, satires, etc. use this grunting thing as the point of their narrative.
- First caveman: "Ug." (Hits other caveman on head)
- Second caveman: "Ug ug urrrg." (Hits back)
- cavewoman: (Walks by) "Ug ug sex ug!"
- First caveman: Ooga ooga (Hits girl on head with club and drags off) "Ugggg!!!!!!"
- Third caveman: "Ooooooo!" (Opens mouth and slaps with hands)
- Many cavemen: "Ug ug ug urrrg. Ah! ah! (rapes cavewomen)
- All Cavemen: (start singing a harmonic version of "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel)
[edit] Clothing and General Appearance
They generally dressed in the skins of whatever animal they could dig out of the tar pits. Cavemen seemed to prefer leopard-print, which was a bad style taste even back that many thousands of years ago.
Males wore loincloths and never exposed their backside. They wore no shirt, but occasionally they'd wrap some sort of prehistoric suspenders-type-thingy around their chest.
Females wore tight-fitting, low cut dresses that partially exposed their volumptous breasts, and no underwear. There are those that are surprised that the race died out because they assume that a lot of sex would have been going on.
Cavemen were also very hairy. Deep black hair covered their entire bodies, and they did not shave. All this hair kept them warm, because they did not wear very much clothing. If it were not for their human vanity (i.e. obsession with sexual appearence), historians are certain that cavemen would have been completely confused with apes.
[edit] See also
- UnBooks:Diary of a Caveman
- Windows for Cavemen
- Jimmy Cracked Corn
- Cave women
- Burundi
- The GEICO Caveman
- Captain Caveman
- Drog The Misunderstood Caveman Comedian
- Random caveman
