Kansas
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“Kansas. All it is is dust in the wind.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kansas
The Great Country of Conservatism 
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| State Flowers: | Sunflower and friends of Dorothy |
| Official Language: | "Midwesterners don't have no accent, boy! We speak American the rightest way it should be. Not like those damn Latins speaking their Mexican all the time." Also known as "Asshat". |
| State Bird: | Snipe (Snipe hunts are very popular however. The EPA has discussed putting snipe on the endangered species list as result.) |
| State Motto: | "¡Sí se puede! (And it will annoy the fuck out of you...)" Formerly "Kansas: As bigoted as you think." |
| Nickname: | Where Intelligence Goes To Die; The State that Didn't Evolve; First of the Rectangle States |
| State Anime: | Nerima Daikon Brothers |
| Governor: | Kathleen Sebelius (Who is - remarkably - a Democrat.) |
| Capital: | Arkoklakansas, at present, but when Arkansas and Oklahoma cede Kansas in accordance with the Frenchlick Tready in 2009, the new capital will be moved to Nebwyomikansas. |
| Population: | Mostly cheap-ass farmers, who have way too much time on their hands and not enough pretty women. There are definitely plenty of fat ugly women. |
| State Anthem: | Kansas has two state anthems, "Dust in the Wind" and "Brick in the Wall" |
| Life Expectancy: | Forever, as all those pesticides, growth hormones and genetic manipulations have dramatically slowed the aging process of many Kansasosians. See Lich Lord or The Cryptkeeper for further details. |
| Religion: | Guanostrianism, a modified form of Bertini-worship. Kansas is one of two states to mandate the teaching of unintelligent design, a theory relating the origins of Bertini to ancient religious texts. A small but growing number of Kansans have professed belief in Pastafarianism. |
| Ethnic Groups: | Asshat farmer 87%, soon-to-be-fired corporate shill for Sprint Nextel/Bible thumper/scared white people/Johnson County 12%, Tongan 1% |
| Principal exports: | Hayseeds, pork rind spice, marijuana, shrooms, pickled wheat root, genetically engineered mole barley, venereal diseases, kiddie porn, juggalos, Emo kids, and retards. |
| Principal imports: | Porn, terrorists, liquor, acid, XTC, cigarettes, prostitutes and Mennonites. |
| Banned imports: | Reason, logic, dark people, gays, homeless, Asians, Mexicans, thinking for yourself and individual intelligence. |
| Principal industries: | Agriculture, brainwashing, misinformation, reeducation, programming responses, protesting funerals because America is going to hell for allowing homosexuality, Mormonism, Nazarenism, Evangelicalism, Conservatism, Catholicism, seminaries, Methodism, Quakerism, drinking, methamphetamine labs, kiddie porn rings... |
| Fun Fact # 1: | Nothingness Kansas has a mass span of 124,000 square miles. Of that land, only 1 square foot of land is interesting, the Greyhound bus stop in Kansas City - oh wait, most of that city is in Missouri. |
| Fun Fact # 2: | In Spanish, teh Kansas means "You get tired." |
| Fun Fact # 3: | There are Catholics in Kansas who claim the Pope himself is not Catholic enough. These Catholics broke away from the church shortly before Vatican II. The Society of Pope Pius XII is no laughing matter and they still hold Tridentine masses and uphold those traditions from over 50 years ago. Pope Benedict XVI, much like Pope John Paul II attempted, is trying to bring these "lost souls" back into the fold. |
| Fun Fact # 5: | The largest city (Wichita) in Kansas has just over 300,000 people and some say just under 500,000 people. Consequently, very few people in Kansas can count properly. |
| Fun Fact # 6: | Scientists use Kansas as a basis for judging how flat an object is. |
Flatter than your standard pancake, Kansas (also known as "Middle-Earth") is a 125,000 square-foot ice mass that detached from the northeastern coast of Russia sometime in the 1800s — the exact date is unknown — and began drifting without specific direction across the Pacific Ocean. Annexed by the United States, who were eager to expand their empire to unfixed frontiers, Kansas's frozen tundra made it America's only literal "blue state."
The first settlers of Kansas, known as "Kansas's First Settlers," were attracted to the region's tropical climate, exotic cuisine, and inventive con men. Upon arrival in Kansas, these settlers realized they had picked up the wrong travel brochure and attempted to swim back to the mainland. There were no survivors.
In 1865 it was discovered that there was in fact, a single hill in the entire state. The legislature determined that this hill (for reasons unknown but entirely unrelated to altitude referred to as Mount Oread) was the ideal location to send its best and brightest, and founded the University of Kansas on the hill. The primary subjects taught were post-hole digging, wheat planting, and the concept of the "hill," previously unfamiliar to most Kansans. It is said that the original building on campus was blown down seven times before designers realized that the wind from the west came straight from the Rocky Mountains without any obstructions. Their response was to built a concrete monstrosity, known as Wescoe Hall. The building stood for 120 years before sliding down the hill and collapsing, killing seventy cattle and one freshman philosophy major. This disaster (the hall, not the collapse) spurred the creation of a School of Architecture at the University. The university mascot is the Jayhawk, a bird native to Kansas that inexplicably killed hundreds of people in neighboring Missouri during the American Civil War.
During a time of atypical non-movement, the icy constructs of Kansas were melted by a hair dryer, which resulted in an unfortunate "feathered" effect that still plagues the central portion of the area. Nonetheless, the region then became ideal for agricultural exploits. By 1900, Kansas had become a croptastic source for wheat, barley, rust, collegiate football, and creeping senses of cultural isolation.
Kansas flourished as a center of filmmaking in the early 20's, pioneering the reputed "Barleywood" subgenre of cinema. Characterized by unflattering golden tints and jerky camera movement, Barleywood was responsible for three Best Picture Oscar winners: The Wheat (1935), The Chaff (1943), and Some Like It Gently Sauteed With Just a Smattering of Shortening (1957).
In 1976, Kansas suddenly dried up, became petrified, and had a top ten single with "Carry On Wayward Son."
In the hearts of all Kansasians everywhere, it will be remembered like Paris Hilton: Flat, white, and easy to get in to.
Home of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, believers turn out in droves at the place where Bobby Henderson first witnessed the apparition of our Creator and His Noodly Appendages.
Contents |
Culture
Kansas's culture has been heavily influenced by its agricultural past, whether it's the annual observance of the "Land grab from the Native Americans", the ever popular Friday night festival "Dust Bowl Diddy", or the bi-monthly "Screw Missouri" bitch fest, native Kansasonians feel it's their God-given right to destroy any contaminate any ecosystem they stumble upon. Although many may not see eye to eye with many Kansassassins, their odd behavior seems to make more sense once you realize many are the descendants of Eric the Red, Duke of Shale conqueror of Liechtenstein and Grand Dutchy to Tonga. Several people have been shocked to know that they are from Kansas. These people often cope with the loss of self-pride similar to the loss of a loved one. Eventually, the truth reveals itself to them once they realize that they eat ice cream every day in the summer, a clear sign of Kansas culture.
As a whole, however, Kansas is generallly Indiana times 10 or divided by 10; whichever one would make it worse. Ex: 10 times the corn and 1/10th the population, 10 times the right wing nut jobs and 1/10th the sanity and capacity for reason, the list goes on.
Kansas's Future
Kansas, in the 21st century, will no longer be associated with agriculture, the Kansas of the future will be known for its total domination of the telecommunications industry. After years of being mocked and ignored, Kansas has almost completed its total domination of the telecommunications industry by selling their soul to The Texas Department of Transportation and in partnership with Estonia and The United States of Armenia Kansas will control all telecommunications in the world enabling them to finally rid themselves of Oklahoma and Arkansas and possibly Nebraska, (France has asked for Louisiana back, but as of this writing a price cannot be decided upon, possibly a future draft pick for the Dolphins, unless Ricky Williams unretires, then maybe a shiny new nickel will suffice. Or perhaps, if they're lucky, a shiny new dime instead!)In any case, Kansas is on the verge of becoming a world superpower. Yes, it has separated from the motherland, but its power has not been diluted. In time it will rise up and the world will no longer be called "Earth". That was a stupid name anyway. Some names have been considered including Wheatpalooza, Cornland, Creationismville, and If You Are Not A Republican, Perhaps Venus is the Place for You.
Kansas and Ukraine: Koestler's Synchronicity at Play
Kansas seems to have many similarities to an even older country known for it's agricultural output and strong conservative convitions; the Rebel nation of Ukraine. So far, Ukraine and Kansas are only different in that Ukraine really badass and could totally woop Kansas's dupa anytime (that, and most Kansans are protestant mutants, while Ukraine is Eastern Orthodox, the toughest Church ever).
There is an investigation team led by the ghost of Arthur Koestler and German physicist Schrödinger are attempting to determine what this is all about, but surely, the clash of cultures should end in truly hilarious results!
However, the great Ukrainian geologist, Vladimir Ilich Vernadsky, preposes the obvious, that the local geosphere (being flat and rather bland) itself has had an effect of the local biosphere, and subsequently, it's noosphere (Kansas, you see, lacks Ukraine's hilly steppes, which inspires Cossaks and Tatarja alike into seeking honor).
Remember too, Kansas is known to have been distantly connected to Russia a real, real long time ago, it may be likely that Kansas is actually an extension of ancient Ukraine that escaped out of the Black Sea before it closed completely, then drifted through the Mediterranean, out into the Atlantic and then somehow ended up in the middle of North America (which could not have happened naturally, thus this may infact be actual proof that Atlantis once existed, it's ancient Eurasian inhabitents becoming the Local Hopi tribes; see Native American thus Kansans, you may indeed live on a more interesting place than you've realize!).
As you can tell, this contradicts common knowledge (if there is such a thing!), however it makes the most sense so far, given the histories involved (since Ukraine and Kansas are almost EXACTLY alike geomorphically, however, since the first step concerning the Black sea is highly based on conjecture, and we cannot get through the final hurdle of having the escaped peninsula magically appearing in the middle of the current United States except through mentioning Atlantean technology, then it is possible that our ancient Atlanteans simply flew across the Pacific Ocean instead, dumb, dumb, dumb, durnji!).
Either way Vernadsky or Koestler are true, THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND! (Unless, the ancient Atlanteans manipulated quantum crap, ala Land of the Lost).
Religion
God hates Kansas. He uses it as a breeding ground for tornadoes and cyclones. God hates Texas even more.
Major Exports
The major exports from Kansas includes flying horse shit loaded with old dirt. The system by which these exports leave is by something called the "Tornado Distribution Act of 1920's." Ever since the Dust Bowl, Kansans found out that the best way to export their stuff is through "God's Hands." Known to the rest of the country as "circling wind stuff" known to actual smart people as "It's a fucking Dust Tornado, get your act Together!"
See also
Do not see
- Our Lady Peace, as Kansas has nothing at all to do with
- Evolution, as people in Kansas were created and have never evolved and will never (and adamantly refuse to ever) evolve.
