Cow
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Come friendly bombs and fall on cow”
~ John Betjeman flying over the Yorkshire Dales in his Messerschmitt
The "Cow" is a large, ruminant insect with horns. A cow is easily distinguished from other horned insects by its huge size and the bell around its neck. Cows provide much of the global steak supply due to their convenient natural state of having dotted lines showing butchers how to chop them into bits to be sold. When mashed in a bowl, cows become milk. Everyone knows that a country's economic status is determined by how many cows they have. This can be explained by the simple equation: C=B, where C is the number of cows, and CB is the amount of cowbell in relation to the amount of cows. The more cows, the more cowbell. So, GET MORE COWS! And Pamela Anderson. Everyone could use a little more Pamela Anderson.
When not serving as food, cows have another pastime -- bioterrorism. They began with farmyard experimentations on sheep cloning, and moved on to a viral masterpiece that infects news reports, causing them to discuss nothing other than cows and how they should not be eaten. In a clever piece of doublespeak, it's referred to as "Mad Cow Disease" since the cows are so pleased with the results.
Contents |
Facts about the cow
The cow has four legs, one on each horn. The cow has six sides: the front side, back side, the one side, and the other side. And of course left and right side. On the cow's back side is the tail. The cow takes use of the tail to whip away flies, so that they do not end up in the milk. On the front side is the head, which is used to attach the horns on. Beneath the cow is the udder, which dispenses a glass of milk and a straw when a coin is placed in the slot. There are many different kinds of cows. For example, they have red cows in Russia, which milk YOU.
The cow has an extraordinarily good sense of smell, and can as a result be smelled from great distances. They go moooooooooooooooooooo.
Cow Conspiracy
Cows hate humans and are trying to destroy us. Scientists cite the following information to support their belief in a global cow conspiracy:
- Cows are the main cause of heart problems in humans.
- Cows cause cancer.
- Jows (Jewish cows) did 9/11
- Cows are the main cause of the disappearing rain forests. They have to cut them down in order for more cows to graze there.
- Fascist dictators wear boots made from cow skin, breeding on the subconscious foot fetish ingrained in every one of us.
- When people aren't looking, the more dangerous cows will whip on bandannas and rob mini-marts at gunpoint. Often the last thing the shopkeeper will hear is '∀'. Linguists believe that the English translation of this is, "Get on the floor, you sons of bitches. I'm gonna pop a cap in yo ass"
- Cows are very crafty when it comes to the art of disguise. You never know when a cow is hiding in the bushes, watching your every move. Some of the most common cow disguises are trees, kerosene lanterns, sporks, tubes of polysporin, Mar mite, rolls of toilet paper (2-ply), and Cuban cigars (this is actually the secret reason Cuban Cigars cannot be imported into America.)
- Many heifers carry red light-sabers, and anyone who has a red light-saber is evil. Period.
- Cows have three brains. They use two of them to sleep.
- Cows are known to disrupt the internal clocks of humans. Although normal humans rarely get out of bed before 1:00 pm, farmers and others who live in close proximity to cows have been known to begin their day as early as 5:00 am. It is believed that the widespread consumption of beef is the cause of the 9:00-5:00 workday.
- It is proven that Ninja cows are more deadly than giant radioactive chickens
- People don't have cows, cows have people.
- The Tranformers movie was terrible due to cows.
- Cow milk is white to look good but its evil.
- Cows hate Bill Gates and in some cases may work for Linus Torvalds and Steve Jobs.
- Cows have the power to turn off the Internet. When the time is right, they will exercise their ill-gotten authority and force everyone to go back to dial-up, thereby enslaving the human race.
Cow Tipping
A common practice for people who have imbibed way too much beer is cow-tipping. This basically involves walking up to a cow and pushing it over. One should note that this requires no skill whatsoever, as gravity tends to do most of the work for you. Despite this, the popular Cow-Tipping for Dummies, by the suthors of Breathing for Dummies (with included audio tape), contest this claim. Cow-tippers often are killed.
Farmers, in an attempt to prevent cow-tippers from harming their cows, are attempting to breed a bouncy cow. This cow would bounce back and forth when tipped, like those inflatable clown things. Consequently, any cow-tipper who finds a bouncy cow would end up getting smacked in the face by 100%-USDA inspected cow meat.
Members of Cow-tippers United, from 'Uddersfield, UK, are working hard to have cow tipping be recognized as a sport. Their progress is, as yet, unreported. Also common is trying to get a cow to eat Oscar Wilde, a practice started by Sheldon Souray.
Cattle Mutilation
Sometimes, dead mutilated cows are found in fields. Because this happens mostly in the USA, people put the blame on aliens (by which they mean space aliens, not Mexicans). Interesting 'facts' concerning cattle mutilation:
- The cows have cuts showing a great degree of surgical precision, leading some 'experts' to suggest they have been mutilated with high-power cutting lasers rather than knives.
- The cows have sometimes been marked with fluorescent paint, presumably to make them easier to find in the dark.
- Humans, as well as cows, have been victims.
However, looking more closely at cattle mutilation cases, the following points come to light:
- Veterinary surgeons and people who know what they're talking about (ie; not UFO buffs) who have inspected mutilated cattle claim that the cows have actually been cut up with normal Earth-knives. Of course, it might just be that the NSA tell them to say this. Or the laser idea could be a load of bullocks. Who knows, eh?
- When tested, the paint was discovered to be not some amazing alien paint but normal Earth-paint, the type that comes in an aerosol can and can be bought in any car-spares shop. Either the aliens nip in to their local Halfords on the way to a mutilation or the mutilations are carried out by a different group of entities that commonly carry paint aerosols. Like, maybe, bored teenagers. Anyway, why would aliens need fluorescent paint to find cows in the dark? They can fly across galaxies and have death-rays and other cool futuristic stuff, so surely they'd know about infra-red cameras, right? A ton of live beef chucks out some serious body heat, it'd be bloody hard to miss on IR.
- There is absolutely no evidence of humans ever being the victims. Believers put this down to the NSA again - after all, let that sort of thing out into public knowledge and you'll have mass panic, right? Odd how we don't have mass panic then, seeing as how billions of UFO books are sold every year and UFOs are one of the most searched-for topics on the (hte?) Net.
Prof. Thomas Oldefart PhD (Starchild University, San Francisco, USA) has put forward the theory that cattle mutilations are the result of botched alien barbecue parties. One wonders why they don't just nip into Tesco for a few burgers and some sausages while they're buying their spray-paints. Maybe aliens are just really stupid, even if they have got hyper-drives and teleporters and the like - I expect they buy it all in PC World, on one of these visits to the local retail park. Another scientist, Professor Boris Anothermadeupnamevitch, claims that the cows actually self-mutilate because they are emos(emooos) and nobody understands them, except for Marilyn Manson. Some scientists have posited that grues are in fact cows, genetically altered whilst being mutilated.
Genetic Variation
Cows become very, very angry when they taste blood. Nobody knows why, although many think that to cows, blood tastes like celery, which cows hate with a vengeance and refuse to eat. If a cow tastes blood, it will get really pissed and lead other cows on a stampede that will only end when all of them are dead. Tasting blood has become the lead cause of cattle rampages across the world, and coincidentally, most cattle rampages start at creepy broken-down farms that you think are abandoned and then read in the news that there as actually a crazy guy living in the barn with 10 cows and fed them homicide victims.
Many people think that cows go on rampages because blood actually genetically mutates them, putting them in a similar state as the flesh-eating bovine. This is the official theory taught in schools in Mississippi. Remember, kids - cows can smell blood from up to a mile away. And also remember...they CAN and WILL eat you!
The cravendale massacre
Little is known about the infamous "cravendale massacre" of 1996. It is believed to have happened in a small town in the north-east of England where a small number of cows managed to raze 3 nearby farms to the ground, kill 5 people and injure 11. Some eye-witnesses state that the cows simply "wanted it (their milk) back" and that, even being slow witted creatures, managed to out-smart many local residents with ease. The bodies were found hung upside-down in an anonymous barn. Each was covered in blood and had cowbells shoved down their throats.
“I have never seen anything so disgusting in my entire life. And I've seen a lot of things.”
Flying Cows
- Some say that: Cows can fly. Period. The Bovinius Airbonius (Flying Cow) Is invisible, but people who believe cows can fly can detect their presence. They go through everything except people who believe in them. If they touch the ground however, they become visible, but they are smart enough to do that only when people arn't around. Yep, that's smarter than your mother.
You have two cows
You have two cows. Apparently there is nothing else to this section, so that's about it. I hope. See You have two cows or else...
Spider-Cow
After the downfall of Spider-Pig the next quadruped to take up the life of crime fighting was Spider-Cow! Disguised during the day as 'Bessie', at night Spider-Cow enters her secret barn house lair and transforms into the amazing spider cow! Unlike Spider-Man or Spider-Pig she wears a distinctive blue latex suit, emblazoned with her motto:
NE ZABORAVI ME
which is Swahili for 'don't eat me'. Spider-Cow wanders (I was going to say prowls but I can't really imagine a cow prowling really) anyway, Spider-Cow wanders the bustling metropolis of Stoke-upon-Trent and helps any innocent cows in danger. Sometimes her arch-nemesis Doctopus Octopus, who, unlike Dr. Octopus, is an actual Octopus but with four mechanical arms to help in his evil doings. That's 12 arms! 50% more than a regular Octopus!
Spider-Cow has any super Cow-Powers, which include:
- Milk-Web
- Super Udder Flail Attack
- Amazing Cow-Fu skillz
- Some amazing flatulence.
- Sonic moo
Trivia
- It is generally believed that you have two cows.
- The saying, "Don't Have a Cow!" comes from a time in human history when humans gave birth to cows through cross breeding. We'd rather not talk any more about it...
- I once saw a cow with two heads and eight legs.
- Your dad is rated 5 cows
- In Greek mythology, the Minotaur, a creature half-chicken and half-bull inhabited a lavatory. He wouldn't get off the throne no matter what and Theseus really had to shit so he killed the Minotaur so he could take a good healthy shit.
- Cows are well known as the whores of the barn.
- When the revolution comes, all who oppose cows will be the first to go
- Cows eat grass, not the junk we humans shove into our mouths every day, this is why cows don't get cancer.
See Also
- You have two cows
- Your Mum
- Swasticow
- Invisible cow
- Flying Cow
- Meat
- Milk
- Grue
- McDonalds
- Burger King
- Pink Floyd
- Marilyn Manson but only if a really cute girl asks you to take her to one of his shows.
- Dick Cheney
- Cow Tipping
- Holy Cow
- Moohammed
- The Laughing Cow
