Catastrophic time-space failure
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What is Catastrophic Time Failure?
It's a question that we all ask ourselves at some point; just what is catastrophic time failure? In a nutshell it's when idiots fuck up the time stream with excessive back and forward time travel resulting in events becoming displaced or just generally fucked. During the advent of time travel no one contemplated the dire consequences of repeated ripping of the time stream's delicate anus but now it has become a very real motherfucker.
The First Recorded Catostrophic Time Failure
Catostrophic time failure has only occurred once in the history of the universe, it occurred simaltaniously in the 1960's, 1990's, 65 million years ago, and the year 6,000,000,000 A.D. the event killed millions, among them JFK and Oscar Wilde, extinctified the dinosaurs, and made baby jesus cry.
Who was at Fault?
The first recorded catostrophic time failure was the fault of Ministry, it's band members, Alain Jourgensen, Al Gore, and Robo-Jourgensen went back and forth through the time stream over one million times so as to join every musical project ever invented. They succeeded but at the price of countless lives. Right as Al Gore and Alain Jourgensen began jamming with Beethoven in 2751 A.D. time erupted flinging them into an endless swirling vortex of pain and suffering. While in the vortex Al snapped a photo and brought it back with him when he decided the vortex wasn't really all the interesting in the first place.
What We Can Learn From Their Mistakes
Ministry made several mistakes during their attempts at joining every musical project ever but in the long run we can all learn from their (gigantic) error, after the catostrophic time failure Time Squad was set up so as to impose the rules that were set forth immediately after the failure, the rules are as follows: (warning: keep in mind that these are the rules to prevent catastrophic time failure, not the rules and regulations of standard time travel, in order to receive your time travel license and utilize it you must know the standard rules, these are guidlines that if ignored can be punishable by instantanious death or rape.)
- Don't pull Nixon's finger when he asks you to.
- Tell Jeffery Dahmer you'd love to go back to his place.
- Beethoven can't hit E sharp in the third octave at 6:33PM, remember that!
- Don't piss on Mrs. Londa's tree any time during the 1960's.
- Don't search for "google" on Google.
- You CANNOT smoke any of Snoop Dogg's weed unless he specifically allows you.
- My Chemical Romance is supposed to sound that bad, don't change it!
- And most importantly, no matter what you do, don't jam with ministry, odds are you'll meet them at least 20 times, and if they ask you to jam and you agree time will erupt once again.
- Never, ever under any circumstances reply to all on an e-mail that goes to the entire east coast of your company when your company is a multinational company in the very large very scrutinized tele-com industry. It will lead to red faces crying loss of your job people selling you out dead kittens and puppies much like masturbation and the very unhealthy red hot poker shoved firmly up the asshole so that it comes out of your mouth and is then shoved back into the aformentioned asshole. Bravo.
- There isnt really a sniper on that hill over there. hes actually located on the 4th floor of the empi