Catholic Conspiracy

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"Now I'm not saying it was Catholics, but it was Catholics." ~Ancient Aliens Guy

"Brace yourselves, winter is coming." ~Eddard “Ned” Stark on the impending Catholic takeover.

The Catholic Conspiracy is a widely accepted belief that all Catholics are involved in a diabolical plot to take over the world and make everyone go to Church and quit using condoms. This theory has slowly formulated over the ages by the worlds most respected leaders and intellectuals (Emperor Nero, Oliver Cromwell, Comrade Stalin, Richard Dawkins) and is very popular in regions like Western Europe, the American Mid-West, and all college campuses. The WHO has stated that over 1.2 billion people have been afflicted by this scourge and that it is still spreading all over the world. Authorities are shocked to see that this pandemic hasn't died away like John Lennon promised, but has actually picked up momentum in places like Africa, China, the UK, and even the Nether Regions. World leaders have been doing all that they can to neutralize this threat, but so far have been unsuccessful.

edit History of the Plot

The earliest known mentions of this conspiracy trace back all the way back to the Roman Empire when a lower class Roman woman gave birth to her fifth girl. As was the common practice, she immediately threw the newborn out into the street and cursed the gods for not giving her a son like the Jonses next-door. Several minutes later, she saw a woman pick up the baby and take it away. The mother shrieked in terror and immediately reported this incident to the authorities. Numerous incidents such as this began to occur throughout the Empire. The government finally decided to get to the bottom of this. After several thorough investigations, they concluded that they were obviously eating the babies in their secret rituals, where they also did every other wicked act that they could imagine. In response to this threat President De Niro decided that the only way to stop these religious fanatics from continuing to commit these acts of terror was by feeding them to lions in an arena before they built weapons of mass destruction to continue their acts of terror, but he still wished them the very best. Unfortunately, this plan failed and the cultists conquered all of Rome so that they could let it become overrun by b̷a̷r̷b̷a̷r̷i̷a̷n̷s̷ political refugees and eventually fall apart into several puppet states controlled by Sauron, who had the one ring to rule them all.
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And so the Papacy ruled half of Middle-Europe, leaving the eastern half to Saruman and his army ofinebriated Uruk Hai, until one day a German hobbit named Frodo Luther Baggins decided that priests deserved to get laid and not have to let a pope tell them what to do. Sauron, outraged at this proclaimation, demanded that the hobbit be killed. He sent his best inquisitor Gandalf VIII to do the job, but upon meeting the hobbit, Gandalf decided to join him after being convinced that a priest deserved a little drunken group sex every now and then. The two then started a massive club aimed at liberating Middle-Europe from the ring for the sake of some hanky-panky. This dank club came to be known as the Reformation of the Ring. All of the dwarves joined the club so that they could shamelessly reconnect with the nature spirits. Gandalf managed to get the elves to join as long as they gave him the magical power to get as many divorces as he wished, and only about half of the race of men joined. After this major shift of events, the Catholic Empire began to slowly decline until 1918 when the people of the world finally decided that religious governments were too mainstream and that secular governments were way more hip(see Russian Revolution). The world was at last free of the yoke of Papal rule, or so we thought.

edit The Fuckers pulled a Houdini!

Despite much dedicated effort, Sauron still lurks in the shadows, waiting for the right time to strike. For many years his influence has spread from Middle-Europe throughout the lands, but we have finally woken up from our hangovers and are ready to pick up arms and fight this menace once more before it is too late, but we're going to need your help. We're going to teach you how to fight this well hidden menace like a real super hero.

edit Finding Catholics

It's quite difficult to find Catholics, mainly because they don't cover their car with so many bumper stickers like an atheist or protestant. But here's a few questions to ask yourself when determining whether someone is a Catholic agent.

  • Do they avoid direct sunlight?
  • Do they look pretty pail?
  • Do they have abnormally long canines?
  • Do they drink blood every Sunday?
  • Do they hate Italian food?
  • Do they abduct children in the dead of night?
  • Are they Polish?
  • Do they sparkle in the sunlight?

If you answered yes to one of the first seven, they're probably Catholic. If you answered yes to the last one, it's probably just some fag...

edit How to get rid of it

Now that you've found a Catholic, you should probably get rid of it. There are many ways of doing this. The Evangelist way of doing this is by giving them a booklet containing a funny story about how Darth Vader was hired by the Pope to kill Jesus, but became an Evangelist instead. This only works when the target is 8 years old, however. The next technique would be the atheist approach. You start by pretending to sneeze right next to the target, making them say God bless you. Then you turn turn your head and sneer,"I'm an atheist, thank you very much.". This will then trigger a religious debate. In this debate you will rape them with all the might science has to offer (evolution of man, the big bang, a really old earth, it's okay to be gay). Caution: Let it be known that a Catholic is allowed to believe all of that stuff AND God, so this would only work on Catholic teenagers whose parents forgot to tell them that science is actually good. If this doesn't work either, then there's the Final Solution.

edit The Final Solution


Remember, you should only do this when all else fails. The Final Solution involves collecting a semen sample from Oliver Cromwell, Karl Marx, Adolf Hitler, Stalin, and Mao. The next step is to find a Satanic Priestess and inject all the semen samples into her. After which you have to get all the kings of the earth to bang the shit out of her. After that, you get her drunk on a bunch of Bloody Mary with blood from some dead saints. Then she'll give birth to a transsexual. This transsexual will then become president of the U.S.S.A. and behead all the Catholics. After that, you should be good. Use this information wisely.

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