Catherine Tate

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“How'd I end up here?”
~ Blind guy on Catherine Tate
“Wait, didn't this show used to have a fat guy and a skinny guy?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Catherine Tate Show
Catherine tate
Go on, admit it. You do actually fancy her a bit.

Catherine Tate (May 2, 1978 - August 9, 1969) unsuccessfully attempted to be a comedienne and actress. To the shame of the nation she was born in England.

Background

Although many people from the area strongly deny it, Catherine Tate was born in London. There is also a theory that she was not born at all but created using various body parts stolen from a pet cemetary by a blind scientist. This theory has before been used to explain why she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Her eductaion background remains a mystery but rumours have recently been circulating that she attended one lesson of acting school. The lesson where they taught all pupils how to be extremely irritating by using a mockney accent.

Antprank
A group of ants on their way to a local TV Network - petitions in hand - to file a complaint against "The Catherine Tate Show" for being completely useless.

The Catherine Tate Show

Banned in most Ant colonies after having been deemed both inedible and just plain unfunny, The Catherine Tate Show was conceived (strangely enough) by Catherine Tate, after she overdosed on "thinking" while watching a full season of the British reality TV Show, "Little Britain". Having mistaken every character, episode and sketch in the show as her own creation whilst in this half-conscious haze, she instantly awoke and began writing script-after-script of "comedic material". She then showed the scripts to various "friends", asking them to take part. Unfortunately none of these "friends" were willing to commit such an indignant move within their career. Due to this limitation of fools, Tate decided that she'd perform the majority of the roles herself - this idea also inspired by Little Britain her own brain - and hire costumed monkeys, giraffes, donkeys, and Australians to take care of any extra roles.

Doctor Who

Recently Tate had become assistant to Doctor Who in the latest series of the show. She reprised a role which has been called "the most kickass assistant ever" and "the woman who most girls on the internet would like to bang". Her performances have been steadily awesome throughout the season and Tate has been seen having the last laugh a lot. Millions of fans will cry and cry when she dies next Saturday in the series finale. Only joking, She was bloody woeful! Steven Seagal has a better acting range, and his range is in minus numbers.

Awards

Ms. Tate had won only two prestigious awards for her work. She won the 'Least funny female comedian' at the National Truth Awards and 'Most lowbrow, irritating working class person on the face of the planet' at the Blindingly Obvious Awards Ceremony. Previous winners of the 'least funny female comedian' award include Ian Holloway, Avril Lavigne and Margaret Thatcher.

Death

On August 8, 1969, Tate was two weeks from giving birth. She entertained two friends, actresses Joanna Pettet and Barbara Lewis, for lunch at her home, confiding in them her disappointment at Polanski's delay in returning from London. In the afternoon Polanski phoned her. Her younger sister Debra also called to ask if she and their sister Patti could spend the night with her, but Sharon declined. In the evening she went to her favorite restaurant, El Coyote, with Sebring, Frykowski and Folger, returning about 10:30 p.m.

During the night they were murdered by members of Charles Manson's "Family" and their bodies discovered the following morning by Tate's housekeeper, Winifred Chapman. Police arrived at the scene to find the body of a young man, later identified as Steven Parent, shot to death in his car, which was in the driveway. Inside the house, the bodies of Tate and Sebring were found in the living room; a long rope tied around each of their necks connected them. On the front lawn lay the bodies of Frykowski and Folger. All of the victims, except Parent, had been stabbed numerous times. The coroner's report for Tate noted that she had been stabbed sixteen times, and that "five of the wounds were in and of themselves fatal".

Personal life

Thankfully Catherine Tate had no personal life at all, and her accent cleverly worked as a contraceptive.

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