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Welcome fellow patriots. This is a guide to one of the most important tales in the history of our great nation. It is the tale of our leaders' triumph over our enemies, especially our Soviet enemies, who would destroy us. Be sure never to sympathize with them, for thinking such things would destroy our free and open society and I will find you and ruin you if you do.
Now where was I? Oh, yes, our great superpowered leaders. Our story begins with the Founding Fathers, who weren't just heroes because they loved freedom and hated communism even though it hadn't been invented. No, they were also literal heroes, endowed with superpowers, who fought injustice as the American Justice Coalition. Note that it was the American Justice Coalition, not the Russian one, and they fought for justice not for godless socialism.
The original Justice Coalition could not last, but in the 20th century a new team of superheroes arose. In the 1940s the Manhattan Engineering District, better known as the Manhattan Project, invented a way to endow our Presidents with superpowers. It was just in time for them to fight our greatest nemesis — the Soviets. This new team of superheroes was the New American Justice Coalition and it fought our enemies the Soviet Protection Comrades, who stole our technology, just like they steal everything, except for goodness and decency.
But they couldn't steal our other source of superhero technology, the Apollo Project. They though they were superior to us after Sputnik, but we beat them to the moon before they even tried. We even learned to cross dimensions! So beat that, you pinkos. Sure, we had some trouble with the dimensional gate and that liberal pinko wuss Walter Mondale, and we had those Secret Wars, but we won those like we've won every war. Now if we could only find out what happened to that secret Illuminati decoder ring we'd be all set....
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