From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| Amics & Amigos!|
Editing the Following Document can generate resentment, tiresome sniping, and incest.
If you're Spanish or Catalan, or of Spanish or Catalan descent, please do not write:
La República Imperial de Polaquia
|Motto: "Catalunya is not Spain."|
|Anthem: Barça, Barça, BAaaaaaaaaaaaaarça!|
|Official language(s)||Catalan, Spanish, English, Broken English, Punabi, Chinese.|
|National Hero(es)||Antoni Gaudí, Salvador Dalí , Bruce Lee, Pau Gasols, Carlos Puyol.|
“I walk the Rambles, but not with real intent.”
“And the whole huge town of a million people was locked in a sort of violent inertia, a nightmare of noise without movement.”
“After I die, I hope they dedicate a square to me in Catalonia. And I hope people sit around in it, taking drugs. Yeah, that would be a great way to commemorate me coming here to fight a war. ”
The Imperial Republic of Catalonia (Catalan: Polaquia [Poh-lack-e-ah]) is a much blessed kingdom, that may or may not belong to Spain, depending on who you ask. Catalonia was one of the original cradles of civilization; for eons, Catalonia ruled the Mediterranean seas with an iron fist (which is not easy, because iron fists sink). Then, in 1412, they gambled away the country in a game of cards. They've been trying to get it back ever since.
History of Catalonia
After the Roman period and barbaric invasions, Catalonia joined the Sacred Roman Empire in order to be able to play the Champions League, while the rest of Hispania was conquered by Muslims. With the fall of the first Reich, Catalonia joined up with the Spanish-speaking kingdom of Aragon. True Catalans refused to learn Spanish and invaded the Balearic Islands, Napoli, and Sicily. The superhero behind these conquests was Jaume I, who was rewarded with his own Metro station.
In 1492 Castilla and Aragon united to become Spain, but Catalonia sent neither money nor men to the Spanish army that massacred Indians in America as Colombus gave his ships Spanish names, instead of the names his would-be Catalan patrons proposed: Gaudí, Messi, and Gasol.
For centuries they didn't do anything but write poems about botifarra, (a big cock-shaped sausage. See left.) while their Spanish neighbours were having the time of their life, being inquisitive. Since then, Catalans have decided that poems can also be about donkeys, moving away from the traditional Spanish focus on bulls. If you aren't sure if you prefer Spain or Catalonia, ask yourself which is better: a bull or a donkey?
Geography of Catalonia
Catalonia is a great empire, or that is what true Catalans believe. Catalonia is composed of Aragón, Catalonia, Valencia, the Balearic Islands, Andorra, Languedoc, Murcia and various territories in Italy, Greece , Turkey , Morocco, Indonesia , Japan, Iowa , Nubia and Fraggle Rock. Many of these places have no idea they are in Catalonia. But they are.
Catalonia is pretty dry all year round, except the beginning of Autumn when all Catalans are washed into the Mediterranean Sea in a flash flood. This phenomenon is known as the Gota Fría, which is roughly translated as "got a cold". This, however, does not affect Catalonia's succesful economy, as the rate of construction of hotels on its coast is approximately 42 per hour. These hotels are populated by the so-called Guiris - that is, a pejorative term encapsulating Germans, Britons, Russians, Scandinavians, French, etc. In other cultures, these people are called white, but bear in mind that people in the Mediterranean don't realise they are the mongrel offspring of Moors and gypsies.
The royal and much blessed official language of the great Catalan Empire is Catalan, whose origins date back to when an Italian, a Spaniard and a Frenchman working at a Barcelona tile factory interbred their wives with each other.
During suppression by the Franco regime the language suffered total prohibition in brothels all over Catalonia. Today Catalans fiercely defend their rights to speak it, even to foreign people when they go on holiday. People living in the aforementioned oblivious Catalan territories claim their languages to be different from Catalan, but the government says that they all come from Catalan, and therefore should be treated as the same language. Official figures provided by the government show that the total number of Catalan speakers is around a lot, about 600,000,000 people, that is, an estimated 10% of the world's population.
It must be pointed out that the main reason of the popularity of the Catalan is its great natural ability to name the naughty parts of a donkey, and the words which amuse English speakers such as dic, fart, foc and pis. 
Transport in Catalonia
Catalonia boasts an international airport in Barcelona called El Prat, which need not be translated. It has regular flights to Madrid which are classed as national or international, depending on who you ask. In any case, the tickets are so expensive that Catalans broaden their horizons by traveling to Tarragona or Girona. An attempt to solve this is the construction of the high-speed-bird-train AVE between the two cities. It is expected to reach Barcelona by 2009, if ever. It is expected back in Madrid in 2014. The construction of underground tunnels is controversial in Catalonia, because if the Sagrada Familia falls down, many Catalans believe the devil will come back to reclaim the earth.
According to a stastical report released in March 2007, 61.9% of Catalans are of ethnic Botifarra stock, 10% South American (pejoratively called Sudacas), 10% white tourists (pejoratively called Guiris), 10% Chinese (spoken about pejoratively), 5% Pakistani (Pakis), and 4.1% Italians (curiously tolerated). This multicultural mix lies prostrate before the incredible gastronomical monolith of Pa amb Tomàquet (or crushed tomatos on oily bread for the rest of the world) which serves as breakfast, lunch and dinner in the region.
Currently, none of the territories that rightfully belong to Catalonia wish to remain part of it. Valencia feels their language is completely different, based on that they spell the word badger differently, while the Balearic Islands are concentrating on disappearing into the Mediterranean due to filling so many of their nightclubs with bubble bath. Aragón wishes to gain independence first and later conquer Catalonia for itself, while Murcia claims it is only part of Catalonia due to sloppy workmanship by cartographers. Catalonia itself is too busy keeping the rest of Catalonia together to bother about separating. Barcelona is considering secession to the English Premier League.
God bless Catalonia and its naughty language!!!