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“As my friend Che Guevara said, "Good people leave and bad people fuck me". Ops...”
Fidel Alejandro "Still Kicking" Castro Ruz (August 13, 1926 – Any day now) is the
Communist socialist neoconservative leader of Cuba, and the original inventor of Castor Oil. He is known for his trademark beard (rumored to be made of goat hair), moustache, love of the color red, and rule with an iron fist. He possesses untold riches, a Communist Party Country Club, and his own mistresses, who he shares with his less successful brother Raul. Castro is extremely popular with Hollywood liberals who don't know what it's like to live in Cuba, like Sean Penn.
It has been debated where Castro's surname came from. Some claim that it originated from his early revolutionary days, when he castrated rich men after stealing their money and sleeping with their wives in front of them. Others argue that the name Castro is a Canadian language term, suggesting covert links between the Castro regime and the much-feared red-and-white menace of the North, Castro canadensis.
edit Early life
Castro was born in a cigar factory in the village Birán, near Mayarí, in the modern-day province of Holguín. He was the son of local hero Mr. Miyagi, who was known for saving the village from the black plague. Fidel was always eager to prove he was as great as his father, which he did at the age of ten when he beat Boy George in arm wrestling. He was a merry kid who loved to play in the rivers of chocolate which his village was known for.
But one day, when he was thirteen, his village was destroyed when Bill Clinton bombed it with a missile which was intended to hit a aspirin factory in Somalia (in Bill's defence, he was drunk). Fidel was the only survivor, and he swore revenge.
edit Military service
The next day he joined the Sovjet army as a volunteer to fight in the battle of Stalingrad. It was there he got to know his future partners Che Guevara, Quentin Tarantino and eurodance artist Captain Jack.
While he was on a mission to assassinate the Wehrmacht officer and Nazi hero Mariah "Metzgermeister" Carey, Fidel met Col. Volgin, an old friend of his father Mr. Myagi, who told him how capitalism was raping the world. It must be noted that before World War II, Castor was President of Mongolia for two terms. When he realized that Mongolia had no money for his communist regime, he bombed it sold it to Russia. It must also be noted that since Joseph Stalin was also a communist, he did not want it either. He then gave it back to the Mongolians for their birthday, at which point they proceeded to give him dirty looks while he was not looking.
edit Ruler of Cuba
After World War II, Castro and his friends moved back to Cuba. In 1965, they started the Cuban Revolution for the purpose of beating snobby rich people. Once all of the rich people died, Castro became El Presidente for Life.
Castor still rules Cuba, and no one understands why he just won't die, despite the fact that he has smoked 100,000,000,000 cigars during his lifetime, including several that exploded. It is generally accepted that this is because Castor sold his soul to the Devil in return for eternal life. Upon discovering it wasn't even worth a moldy sweet wrapper, the Devil attempted to bribe the Bush family to assassinate Castor, forgetting he is now invincible due to a drunken stag night.
edit Noteworthy Trivia
- He very early decreed that in Cuba it's unlawful and a major crime not to love him.
- Enjoys eternal life by drinking the blood of a live American virgin every day. This commodity is real hard to find and is highly prized in Latin America.
- Has survived over 50,000 assassination attempts.
- Has enacted legislation requiring every building in Cuba to remain in a state of near-collapse, except foreign-built resorts.
- Although he shares the same first name and government position as former Philippine president Fidel Ramos... as well sharing the same passion for smoking big smelly ol' cigars... the two are not in any way related. "We're just friends," says the Cuban dictator.
- No Cuban likes him because everyone is a rightist even if they aren't openly.