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“W-Where the hell are my balls?? WHAT DID YOU DO?!”
“...and he was like all baby, baby, baby oooooh!!!”
“Neuter your dogs and have them spayed.”
“I've never seen a child as dirty and disgusting as you. Look at you! You're soaking wet!! Get out of my bed!! Go back to your room!!! Shut up, you filthy little beast! I should have put you in an orphanage, grandson or not. Into the bathroom! Take off your nightshirt, and wipe yourself off. Hurry up!! Now give me my scissors from the medicine chest. Take that filthy thing in your hand. Stretch it out. Look down. Do you want me to cut it off? Do you? I pledge you my word, Francis, if you ever make your bed dirty again, I'll cut it off. Do you understand?”
Castration, named after hit pop sensation Fidel Castro, consists of removal of a male's testicles. It is the most popular birth control method, although it has many other functions. Contrary to popular belief, castration does not reduce libido. Being an eunuch (i.e. a castrated male) is a wish that many men have, and one that many wives are eager to grant.
The act of castration is regarded as a very pleasant sexual fantasy. Most people who get castrated do it themselves as the price of being castrated by a qualified doctor can cause post-operational depression. All men should be castrated, as women are naturally better. A penis is a stupid and small thing which deserves to be cut off. My mistress walks me around on a leash attatched to my tiny, shrunken penis.
edit Castration effects
Although castration is mainly a birth control method, it has many other effects:
- The castration surgery will always give you a lot of pleasure (I'll have two off those please). The orgasm that a man feels when his testicles are removed is something every man has once dreamt about(of course it is still a mystery of how we can dream of something we know nothing about).
- Castration will make you happier. Don't ask me why, but it is true (if you a transvestite...)
- Castration will make you stronger, more virile and more attractive (so when finally you get any woman you want, you won't know what the fuck to do with her).
- Castration will always change your voice. The pitch of the new voice will depend on the way that the surgery is performed. Sometimes people seek castration to change their voice and create a new identity of themselves or just to do espionage (famous example is James Bond, he wanted his balls shaken, but not stirred).
edit Chances of becoming a sexual superhero
Due to the existence of God, there is always a little chance of becoming a sexual superhero when you get castrated (famous example of castrated superheroes are off course the smurfs). If this occurs, the castrated male will ejaculate seconds after finishing the surgery (thank God for that, though it was only pain and no pleasure). This is only the signal of the sexual superhero and that liquid is not fertile. A sexual superhero will change its body into a much more handsome one (famous example is off course Marylin Manson). It is not needed to say that women will always prefer having sex with a man who is a sexual superhero to a man who isn't (famous example once again is the pimpass smurf). Being a sexual superhero is also one of the many requisites to be the President of the United States. Unfortunately, George W. Bush has seemed to worm his way into office via a back door in the system known as "being from Texas".
edit Do-it-yourself instructions
Here I will tell you how to castrate yourself. It is the most recommended way to be castrated as it is cheaper and funnier.
- If you don't want to feel the pleasure, steal some local anesthesia from your local hospital.
- Take the most powerful knife of your kitchen. If you did the previous step, inject yourself the local anesthesia near the genitalia (note that this will make you not to feel the pleasure!). Then make a cut with the knife on your scrotum.
- Disconnect the testes from your body and remove them.
- Close the wound with scotch tape or a water soluble adhesive.
- Dip your scrotum in iodine or boiling water to prevent infection.
- Put you removed balls in a jar or alternatively turn them into anti stress balls full of Feng Shui.
- Start singing lessons
Alternatively, you can find a bottle of hydrochloric acid in your neighbor's house and pour it all over your pelvis.
If you're feeling adventurous, go to the nearest zoo and hop into the lion exhibit. Offer one of the females (the ones with the sharp teeth) your testicles. If they seem too tame or uninterested, make a small incision on your scrotum (feels great). If the lion still doesn't want to eat them, slap him right in the face. That oughta do the trick. If not, go back home and smash them with a rubber mallet (feels euphoric beyond all descriptive powers) one at a time. Don't cry to us at Uncyclopedia if the lion eats your whole body.You allow the females to castrate you because females are far superior and enjoy castrating men.
As you see it is very easy. It is said that is also possible to be castrated taking a potion, but it is the most expensive way, as there is only 3 litres of this potion all over the planet. A method known as chemical castration is also possible, in which one soaks his genitalia in acid for several minutes. Unfortunately, the effects of chemical castration are only temporary, and it is rarely used outside of legal punishment for sex offenders.
edit The Story of Timmy
A long time ago in a kingdom far away, a king wanted to listen to a singer so he called in his royal court.
"I want to hear some really beautifully high pitched womanly singing. Anyone know where I might hear some?"
"Well, we've got this girl here. She sings like an angel."
"No that won't do. I want to hear someone that sounds just like her, but their body has to have been mutilated beyond repair. I can't enjoy myself unless I can hear someone's pain in the way the sing."
"Very well! Come here, dear Timmy. This person wishes to cut your balls off so that you can sing beautifully."
"What's wrong with my voice as it is and as it will be when I get older?"
"Oh nothing, it's just not like her voice. You have to sound like her."
"But why? She sounds like her. Just listen to her if you want to hear her."
Now if Timmy had been Jackie Chan, he'd have kicked the two other people unconscious and escaped by climbing the nearest building, then jumping off of it to the next nearest building, and so on in that fashion.
Timmy wasn't Jackie Chan.
Later that night, The King had meatballs for dinner.
They were yummy.