Castlevania

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First it was like this...
250px-Castlevania Judgement
Then it became like this. Notice The difference between Simon Belmont and "Simon Belmont".

Castlevania is a very classic video game series that was about pretty boys killing vampires, demons, undead, and the such. Over the time it has degraded into an animu series, a fighting game, and a gods of war ripoff that has nothing related to the series known as Castlevania. It's fanbase is known for it's Yaoi Fangirls, E-satanists, Emos, Goths, and alucard worshipers, all hailing in the name of the son of Dracula. It is also hailed by legions of retro gamers, in which they will play the NES Castlevania and symphony of the night all day. and keep ranting newer forms of faggotry such as Castlevania judgement and lords of shadow not Castlevania.


Games

Castlevania (NES)

This is the best Castlevania ever. Obviously. Unless you consider getting knocked into water and pits by bats and Medusa heads a bad thing. The bosses are cliche monsters from all sorts of horror movies instead of demons, such as Medusa, mummies and the Grim Reaper, also known as Death. And yes, speaking of Death, he is at least 10 times harder than Omega Weapon, emerald weapon and penance. Once you think you are the master of gaming, and try playing this game, you will soon find Death raping your mom and girlfriend, burning your house, and throwing your NES into the wall. Yes, he is just that hard. Even Dracula's TRUE FORM!!! had never seen such insanity. What simple, old times.

Castlevania II: Simon's Quest for Booty

“THIS GAME SUCKS!!”
~ Angry video game nerd on Castlevania II: Simon's quest

After the sucess of the first Castlevania, Simon Belmont had found himself in a curse and his body is decaying. to break the curse he must find the five parts of Dracula and revive him, then kill him as well. At first it might seem like a good game. But as soon as you play it, you will find out that it is the largest pile of faggotry found in a Castlevania game, at least 60 times larger than Judgement, and 30 times larger than lords of shadow. And yes, its sheer faggotry supresses it's own brethren, and it is a faggotry of it's own kind. The reasons are simple:

  • First, hearts are used as currency, and you have to use it to buy all sorts of items, such as holy water, which costs 50 hearts. Since hearts drop from monsters, you will have to kill at least 150 of the same 4 monsters to do so. And you need to do this to complete the game.
  • There are also puzzles which are impossible to figure out. For example: A dead end which requires you to duck down there for 10 seconds with a crystal so a tornado will teleport you to the next area.
  • If that's not bad enough, DAYS are used to determine the ending, so the words "what a horrible night to have a curse" and "the morning sun has vanquished the horrible night", or every 5 minutes, become a gamer's nightmare.

Says it all.

Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse

Finally, the horrible night game has a sequel, featuring Trevor Belmont, (who is not gay) Sypha Blenades, Grant DaNasty, and most importantly, Alucard, who is also not a fag unlike in Symphony of the Night. It's just like the first game, only you have a partner to help you with. Note that switching partners wastes 10 seconds.

Castlevania: Rondo of Blood

Ryu-Richter
Ryu or Richter? You decide.

You can only play this in Japanese. Also you can play as the "strongest" Belmont, Ryu Richter, only to be outclassed by a 12-year-old animal-loving animu princess. The English version of this is Dracula X, which is utter shit anyway, and no one cares. Stick to the Japanese version. Also the first game to have an animu style, just like Sailor Moon.

Castlevania: Bloodlines

Gfs 45462 2 15
The dumbest boss ever. He'd be screwed if John could just swim, for God's sake.

Pre-World War I Game for the Sega genesis. John Morris, the person who got the vampire killer from the Belmonts, and Eric LeCarde, owner of the Alucard spear, are sent on a mission to track the Countess Elizabeth Bartley all over Europe, then kill her. The gameplay is just like Contra Hard Corps, where you fight tons of bosses in a level. Unfortunately, Most of these bosses have near 0 IQ as opposed to it's Contra brethren. Example includes a magician that tries to flood the screen with water, a mace holding armor that can only attack in one direction, and Death, who takes at least 7 minutes to beat. Also, The Spear-wielding Eric is always better than the Belmont-wannabe Morris, just like in Rondo where a 12-year-old girl is better than the strongest Belmont. Overall, just a Contra Hard Corps ripoff. The sequel to this is the animu game known as Portrait of Ruin.

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

File:360px-Succubus.jpg
I SWEAR THIS IS NOT RULE 34, AYAMI KOIJIMA DREW THAT, MOM!

Arguably the gheyest and best of the series, Ayami koijima renovated the Castlevania series with her Goth Emo art style and transformed the series from a horror movie to a fest of darkness. In this game you don't play as a Belmont or a vampire hunter, but instead play as Dracula's half-man half-vampire son, also known as Alucard,who decided to revenge his father because he was not raped enough as a child. Alucard is also the girliest human to exist in the world of Castlevania before Soma Cruz. The game also plays a Metroidvania style, which means you are free to explore, and fight enemies/bosses. You also find that Richter is the lord of the castle, but in reality he is actually hax0r'd by the dark priest known as shaft. There is also an appearance of a 17-year old Maria Reanard, which is the 12-year-old animal-loving princess that you saw on Rondo of Blood. Yes, she has turned into a horny teenager. After this, there was this succubus who tried to impose as Alucard's mother. The sequel of this is Castlevania: WHAT IS A MAN???? Edition, seen below.

Castlevania: WHAT IS A MAN????? Edition

Richter: DIE MONSTER, YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS WORLD!

Dracula: IT WAS NOT BY MY HAND THAT I WAS ONCE GIVEN FLESH,I WAS CALLED HERE BY HUMANS WHO WISH TO PAY ME TRIBUTE.

Richter: TRIBUTE? YOU STEAL MEN'S SOULS AND MAKE THEM YOUR SLAVES!

Dracula: PERHAPS THE SAME COULD BE SAID OF ALL RELIGIONS.

Richter: YOUR WORDS ARE AS EMPTY AS YOUR SOUL! MANKIND ILL NEEDS A SAVIOR SUCH AS YOU.

Dracula: WHAT IS A MAN?????? A MISERABLE LITTLE PILE OF SECRETS!!! BUT ENOUGH TALK, HAVE AT YOU!!!!

This sums up all of The WHAT IS A MAN???? Edition. For more, see here;

Castlevania 64

After Konami's sucess with symphony of the night, they wanted to Troll it's fans by creating something that they won't buy. They did it a bit too well.


Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow

Another Metroidvania For the GBA, You play as Soma Cruz, a half-japanese animu man whore (hence his japanese Blood), which got sucked into the castle in the year 2035, he can absorb souls from Monsters that he defeats, so he can use them as his sex slaves powers. in his adventure he sees Genya Arikado, the Japanese alter-ego of alucard, and also a girl boy, Hammer, a really weird merchant who has a rocket launcher despite not using it, Julius, who is an amensiac who was later found as the Belmont who had finally killed Dracula, and finally graham, who is a psychopath who thinks he is Dracula. In reality, It turns out that Soma is THE REINCARNATION OF DRACULA and so he went to the chaotic realm and Became Dracula so Julius will kill him killed the heart of the castle. There is also the bonus addition of playing as Julius, which is nigh-on impossible since he can't fucking level up.

Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow

GERGOTH1
"This was once a gentle beast"

After one year of rest, an evil cult led by Celia Fortner, decides that if god is to be good, evil is an absolute necessity, so she seeks to revive Dracula and kill Soma Cruz, forcing him that his power of dominance reawakens and track the cult in their castle ripoff. To add things worse, Celia has bought two dark lord candidates which are Dimitrii Blinov and Dario Bossi to kill Soma. Fortunately, Yoko, Alucard Arikado, Hammer and Julius will be aiding him, until he becomes the dark lord, that is. The game is infamous for it's magical seal system That is notorious for impossible to pass, and it is a possibility that Konami included it in order to make people break their NDS, since the bosses are already insane enough. There is also a special guest of Dio Brando and Dracula as Soma, in Julius mode where Soma became the dark lord due to Celia's plans. However in reality soma wore a talisman and so was stopped by Alucard Arikado, and revived Dimitri who gained power of dominance and went to the abyss and killed Celia in order to make ALUCARD DIE!!! After, Dimitri cannot support his power of dominance and A SPLODED into Menance, or the final boss who was boring as hell. Seriously, the entire cult plot is made out of 12-year-old kids. Not to mention that Celia does not fight you at all. All she does is command other monsters to attack you. You call yourself the main antagonist of the game? Nah.

Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin

LOLBOSSES
One of the bosses from portrait of ruin. no, seriously.

Also known as the one of the cancers killing the series, This animu piece of faggotry started the ruinination of the series. Despite animu faggotry has started since dawn of sorrow, Such gayness had never broke it's basement......until now. The sequel to the legendary Castlevania: Bloodlines, this story takes place in World war II where an insane vampire artist called Brauner has killed Eric and vampirized his daughters which turned into DESU LOOKING FAGS. He has gathered the souls of over 600000000 Jews and turned them into Dracula's castle. Now it is up to the son of John Morris, Jonathan Morris, and a mage known as Charlotte Aulin, Aulin being a reference of her giant vagina, to stop him once and for all, in animu style. They enter Brauner's portraits which teleports them to England, Egypt and other insane places. They are assisted by the ghost of Eric which Brauner killed, and a priest which helps them for a price. As the story progresses they also turn brauner Eric's daughters back to human, and eventually, defeat Brauner only to have Dracula revived, and defeat that asscake as well. Overall all the story is done in animu style, and the game has some innovative bosses like the one on the left. And yes, I'm serious. After completing the game you can play as "Richiter Belmont", which I believe is just Richter Belmont, only gheyer.

PoRFemaleFull
More proof that Castlevania is already corrupted by pedos and weeaboos. Notice the characters in the center look so much like Suiseiseki.


Castlevania: Judgement

One day, Konami decided to be ghey after many games were published, so they tried to troll their fans by creating a new form of faggotry. As a result Castlevania: Judgement, a fighting game set in the 100000 AD was born. Despite hailing the name Castlevania, they invited the creator of Death Note to redesign the characters in order to increase it's pure faggotry. The finishing product is a OrgyFest of male and female Japanese prostitutes who fight each other regardless of their actual identity. In fact, you can make Death fight Dracula (but said Death does not look like Death anyway) or Trevor fight Simon! Here is a gallery of pure faggotry;

As you can see, It is uncertain how the characters of Judgement got such massive titjobs and augumentation of appearance. also notice the quotation marks. This obviously has only 1 meaning; the end of Castlevania is at hand. They also have an serious double personality disorder as well; but since no actual Castlevania fan aside of a newfag or a troll thinks this is canon, so let's just ignore it and call it a day.

Castlevania: Order of Eccelsia

A very cliche game that most people think is hard due to the fact that you use MP for everything, making you a sitting duck while cursed. Less girly than Portrait of Ruin, but still.

Castlevania: Lament of innocence

How it all started. There was once a man called Leon Belmont and his friend called Mathias Conqvist. The two were friends. but one day, Mathias' girlfriend died, and an army of monsters appeared in Leon's domain. Leon set out to defeat the five monsters that are defending the gates to darkness, then after he entered, he met Walter. Walter had vampirized his girlfriend which he was forced to kill, and the vampire killer was born. After defeating Walter he then found out that Mathias had betrayed Gawd since his girlfriend was taken by THY GREATEST DICTATOR and had possession of the ebony stone and crimson stone, and THUS THE ULTIMATE TERROR, DRACULA WAS BORN!

Castlevania: Curse of Darkness

A weird game back in the ancients of Castlevania, it is about Hector, a devil forgemaster once in the hands of Dracula, but he renounced Dracula, and thus another devil forgemaster decided to pwn his wife for the sole reason of "witchcraft". You have monsters known as Innocent Devils in your arsenal and you can create weapons. There is also a weird monk which later turned out to be death, and a weird time traveler who specializes in broken tactics. You also get to meet Trevor Belmont. Oh, the weirdness...

Castlevania: Harmony of Despair

One of Konami's feeble attempts to reboot the series, it is a co-op game where you can play as Soma Cruz, Shanoa, Alucard, Charlotte, Jonathan, Richter, Simon in 8-bit, Julius, Yoko, Maria, and a completely unrelated character. However, over 85% of people who play this game would play as Soma and Shanoa, considering they are the only thing useful. Anything else are just too crappy to use. In fact konami even added several nerf to previously weak characters, making it a worse situation. Not to say the stages, especially the 8-bit ones, are eye rape. And since this game is on the Xbox, makes it even more Jew gold-worthy.

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

The newest Reboot of the series, a blatant gods of war ripoff which is preferred by newfags. No information can be gleaned of this game, since its 100% faggotry content prevents the writer from approaching it. But one thing is sure: It has no relation to the franchise known as Castlevania, or the faggotry known as Twilight.


Characters

  • Leon Belmont: The guy who started it all, he is friends with Mathias Conqvist, also known as Dracula. He is known for starting the Belmont legacy, which is actually a personal feud went wrong. He is also emo due to the loss of his girlfriend.
  • Mathias Conqvist: Once friends with the Belmonts, he was so emo that after losing his girlfriend instead of becoming An hero like other emos, he cursed god and became the ultimate evil known as Dracula.
  • Death: A Grim Reaper eternally in the loyalty of Dracula. Is a super 1337 boss right at the start of the franchise and has played all sorts of roles, from a final boss right at the start to a regular boss in the adventures of Soma Cruz. The person the raped your childhood when you are 7 years old and still playing the NES version of Castlevania and long before the advent of faggotry of the franchise. It is a fact that you can still die after defeating him for some reason.
  • Trevor Belmont:The first actual vampire hunter of the Belmont legacy, He had teamed up with Alucard (before he was a animu ladyboy), Grant DaNasty: A pirate who rebelled against dracula, and sypha belnades (Also called slutpha bitchnades in judgement, but as previously said no serious fan takes that shite seriously, let's ignore it) whom later he married. is also friends and rival with hector, a former devil forgemaster whom previously under the service of dracula, was pwnt by issac and cut in the heart, but For some reason he survived to bore simon belmont out. Game logic i guess?
  • Grant DaNasty: A former pirate who was pwnt by dracula since only Belmonts can stand against him at that time. He was later turned into a monster that served dracula, but Trevor Belmont rescued him and he became his partner. It is unknown if hammer, a merchant from the year 2035 has any relations to him, but grant is completely normal, unlike hammer. he is a mummy in castlevania judgement STOP TALKING ABOUT CASTLEVANIA JUDGEMENT Konami doesen't like him very much.
624px-Return to Castlevania 22 - Sypha up Close
What happens when sypha did a transexual surgery
  • Sypha belnades:Transexual witch who married trevor. Was a he in captain N the game master, due to unclear gender descriptions. We assume it is a transexual.
Alucard CV
The true form of alucard. If anyone thinks Ayami Kojima's alucard is the true alucard, prove them that they are wrong.
  • Alucard (Pre-ladyboy):Was the son of dracula who wanted to rebel against him because he did not get enough Hugs. There's nothing much to be known about alucard before his transformation into a ladyboy.
  • Dracula: The most primordial form of evil, he is the dark lord over all since his last feud over leon belmont. he has the ability to control minions, have death in his arsenal, can turn into a wolf, a bat and fog, yet he fails to defeat a 12 year old girl and generations of belmonts who had invaded his home for the lulz, and even his son. so this guy must have been failed in becoming the ultimate evil. was last seen active in 1999 where is finally killed by julius belmont after 10 centuries of revival. Reincarnated as soma cruz in 2035.
  • Simon belmont: Good old belmont in classic times, while you were a kid. was spoofed as an afro haired cyborg in contra hard corps and in captain N the game master. The belmont worshipped by retro gamers.
Contra Simon
Simon at least 500 years after dawn of sorrow
  • Juste Belmont:A Faggot. That all you need to know.
  • Richter Belmont: The strongest belmont before julius, he was known as Ryu, The dark lord of this castle, A man, A miserable little pile of secrets, and Belmont. however, he is outclassed by maria renard, the 12 year old animal-loving princess who would later stalk alucard wherever he goes. despite his brave deeds, he later vanished under the light of a full moon and became the dark lord of this castle. He is to be found haxor'd by the dark priest known as shaft, when Alucard killed his curse which takes like one hit to kill.
  • Maria Reanard: better than richter, she uses animals such as doves, dragons and turtles to attack. was once the only 12 year old kid who had pwnt the face of dracula, and later turns into a horny teenager stalking alucard wherever he goes, and can run from the chapel, see richter, and come back to give you the holy glasses in 2 minutes. She is also capable of becoming super sayian in this form. according to this she was purposed to be transformed into a demon. She also makes an appearance in castlevania judgement, commenting about the boobs of carmilla and sypha STOP MENTIONING JUDGEMENT!
  • Shaft: A 1337 haxor who revived dracula using the hearts of humans. not only he kidnapped maria reanard, he even made richter the dark lord of this castle and almost turned maria into a demon. He is known for having the voice of a terminator robot.
  • Alucard (post-ladyboy): The thing all castlevania fanboys and fangirls desperate to fap with. while the original alucard did not gain much e-fame, this alucard had fantasized numerous fantards into some sick fantasy of alucard having Yaoi with dracula, maria or richter. In 2036 he reincarnated into a Japanese pretty boy called genya arikado.
  • Succubus: Referred as the most fappable thing in the series, this attractive demon often assumes the form of the player's friends and family, such as leon belmont's girlfriend, Yoko and Alucard's mother, despite not seeming to know them at the first place. Has a laughter voice similiar to a fake orgy.
  • Carmilla: Used to be a minor-large minion of dracula, she was first made famous by judgement. It was completely unknown why carmilla would have been featured in the game as opposed to soma, shaft or olrox.
  • Quincy Morris: Nothing special, just happened to be in bram stoker's dracula.
  • Elizebeth bartley:Countress who is revived by a transexual. (Not to be confused with sypha or any reincarnation of it) Reportrd to slay the austrian prince and started world war I, although everybody knows Germany did it.
  • Eric LeCarde: A partner of the morris family and the owner of the alucard spear, which is created by alucard in order to compliment the vampire killer. Despite he had killed dracula, for some reason he is pwnt by brauner which does not compare with dracula, minorly. He also has two daughters, but they got vamprized DESUFIED by Brauner as well. His ghost was sealed in dracula's castle and aids Jonathan and Charlotte in defeating Brauner.
  • Richiter Belmont:Possibly Richter belmont.
  • Brauner: A constant faliure of an vampire, he can scream shit like "BLOOD ART TECHNIQUE!!!!!!", "A PAINTING FOR THE SOUL!!!!!" and "I'LL MAKE YOU MY MASTERPIECE!!!!!!" suiseiseki Loretta and stella serve him, only to be purified by charlotte, but they have been turned her into a vampire according to a fan orgy.
Charlotte-10
The Fan orgy according to an e-vampire
  • Loretta and Stella: Was once eric's daughters, but they got vampirized by brauner and were cursed to serve him. Still, most fans liked them as vampires more, and the as previously said, fan orgies oftem pair them with charlotte.
  • Johnathan Morris: Despite in such a girly game, he is quite the man.
  • Charlotte Aulin: 16 year old girl often being called as a kid, since she is 12 year old looking, but this is mostly due to animufication. Animufication makes anything look like kids. and as a result she is one of the greatest sluts of the series, the others being 17-year old maria, shanoa and the succubus.
  • Shanoa: Whore with no emotions or memories, and is created by barlowe for the sole purpose of personal sex slave. She is known for absorbing glyphs just like soma. Also made a guest appearance in judgement JUDGEMENT DOES NOT EXIST
  • Julius Belmont: The only person able to kill dracula, he was the strongest belmont, only to be shamefully defeated by a cult member who has the intellegence of a 12 year old. Aside of that he was quite badass, able to kill soma in 3 hits with his vampire killer whip.
  • Yoko belnades: Belnades who was thought to have no battle powers until dawn of sorrow, where she helped Soma to synethise souls with weapons into more powerful weapons, which is the only way to get some decent weapon. Then she was found capable of fighting using the spells that she inherited from the tranny known as sypha belnades. But unlike sypha she is obviously female, and one that is very good at that.
Yukitoya
Soma and arikado as decpicted by Yaoi Fangirls. Also the first non castlevania picture of this article.
  • Soma Cruz: An exchange student from america with japanese accent. Just like alucard, fanboys fap to him and fangirls pair him with Alucard Arikado. He is also the reincarnation of dracula, and it might also be another reason that fanboys fap to him. He was manipulated into the dark lord two times, once after killed by chaos, then later by the hands of faggotry, or celia.
  • Graham: A psychopath who thinks he is dracula. Known for saying "DU SA!!!!", "SHIBARAIUKE", and "YAH!!!!" as well as I AM DRACULA, AND YOUR NOT THE ONE!!! in reality he is the easiest final boss in castlevania history, but he is not the final boss!
  • Hammer: A weird merchant. Yet, all merchants are weird in castlevania. possible DaNasty descendant, but since Konami hates grant this was completely unknown.
  • Celia Fortner: A priest and a main antangonist which is a massive pussy and a dick of one. She often calls soma to meet her somewhere in the castle, but in reality she does not attempt to do any action. Her powers include summoning monsters and turning soma into dracula, but she is only seen doing so once per power. she was later killed by dimitri in order to kill alucard Arikado's powers.
  • Dimitri: A drunk old pervert that Has the power to Copy magic.Eventually he copied soma's power of dominance, but he cannot Sustain it and exploded. One of the dark lord cadidates.
  • Dario: A Pyromaniac who specializes in fire. He has the power to defeat the only man that could defeat dracula, but after soma destroyed his fire demon, he was completely powerless and screamed like a little girl.

Fanbase

Rozzdrawing
typical castlevania fantard. This is especially accurate to lords of shadow fans.

The Castlevania Fanbase is consisted of E-satanists, Emos, Goths, retro gamers, and yaoi fangirls, but they have only one thing in mind; Alucard. And yes, they all worship alucard, in his ladyboy form, because symphony of the night was the 1337est of castlevanias. Fanboys often fap to 17-year old maria (12 year old maria is illegal to fap to for some reason.), Charlotte and shanoa, along with the weird succubus and alura une. The fandom also has it's share of newfags, ones who worship faggotry such as judgement and lords of shadow, and anybody liking these 2 games can be considered one. The retro gamers are the best of the fandom; they do think Lords of shadow sucks and NES castlevania is better than symphony of the night. Here are a few hethods to troll the fandom:

  • Say simon belmont is better than alucard. Prove your point.
  • Tell them that they are no different than the twilight fanbase, only better.
  • Post Rule 34 in their forums.
  • Tell them Yaoi sucks and alucard does not love dracula.

See Also

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