Casanova

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One of his most famous sayings of all time is 'I don't want what I get, I get what I want'!
 
One of his most famous sayings of all time is 'I don't want what I get, I get what I want'!
   
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[[Category:People you should never leave your girlfriend alone with]]

Latest revision as of 01:09, January 15, 2012

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Casanova.

Casanova is a super-hero born in 1725. Still alive and at-large he is known principally for his chaste values and unending quest to do right and occasionally penetrate a choir boy or two with his magic wand.

edit Early Life

Born Giacomo Bianchi Jacques Marten Hannelore Humperdink Knickerbocker Wallbanger Jones, in 1725 in Venice. He changed his last name to 'Casanova' at the age of 23. His first years were spent mainly in church, and he was described as an extremely sensitive and religious child. Many considered him quite effeminate, and he particularly seemed to have no interest in girls during his adolescence. Bookish and unpopular his early life was dominated by devout prayer and schooling. At the age of 21 he had to decide between joining a monastery or becoming a doctor.

edit Discovery of Powers

1747 would prove to be a landmark year for the young man. Shortly after his 23 birthday he was working at a small practice in Padua. On June 6th he was trying to help a girl recover from measles, when she spontaneously orgasmed and was cured. Within the hour all signs of her illness were gone. Casanova wrote of the experience as some fluke, but two months later, trying to help another female patient recover from mumps, the same thing happened, she orgasmed, violently, and the mumps were gone.

Over the next six months Casanova would slowly unravel the secrets of his powers and hone his skills. He discovered early on that he needed to imagine the person naked to cure them. He tried to get rid of the orgasm side-effect, but to no avail. Deeply torn by his desire to use his skill to do good and his abhorrence of human sexuality he eventually decided that he would continue to cure disease with the new use of his powers.

However the native Paduans were very displeased by the orgasm side-effect that accompanied his treatment. While women were lining up outside his firm to cure everything from leprosy to hang-nails, the men of the town were increasingly fed up with their wives' behavior and Casanova's growing wealth. He was run out of town on New Years Day of 1748, and fled back to Venice under the name of 'Casanova' that he would adopt for the rest of his life.

edit Venice

Upon arrival in Venice he set up another small practice in the San Marco corridor. Soon news traveled of his abilities however, and he was arrested after the Doge's wife visited him every day for three weeks. The Doge charged Casanova with having an affair with his wife. Casanova pleaded his case horrified that someone would accuse him of such a thing (he would die without ever having had sex) and to prove his point used his power to cure the Doge of a pimple on his nose, his first male patient with whom he'd used the power. The Doge, who'd just splooged in front of Parliament was not amused, but thanked Casanova for removing the pimple before sending him to jail.

edit Imprisonment and Travels

Casanova was in prison for five years. Too frightened to escape he recounted the years with fondness, taking the time to study scripture and was treated leniently by the guards, who he impressed with his magic tricks. Upon his release he kept in touch with many of them as good friends and again set up his practice in more removed area of the town. Personally visited by the Chancellor he was encouraged to take his practice elsewhere, and after one month of freedom left to Paris. He would never see Venice again.

In Paris he decided to no longer use his powers in the open and became a mysterious underground figure. Travelling under the cover of night to sick women's apartments and homes he would sneak in and cure them during the night, leaving (almost) no trace of his presence. The work was risky and more than once was the time when a 'patient' was awoken by his actions, or her lover/husband. Casanova often found himself making hasty retreats from windows and down alleys, many was the time that he narrowly escaped.

He kept up this sort of life for over ten years. At forty he could no longer deny that his age had not changed since he had discovered his power, and further hypothesized, correctly, that he would only age if he stopped using them. For a full year in 1764 he did not use his powers at all, and consequently aged one year. (He had used his powers in jail to cure the guards, or their family members. Occasionally if someone very ill of the upper class had resisted all other forms of treatment they'd be brought to Casanova in his cell.) During the year of abstinence he worked as choir director of Chartres Cathedral, a time he described as one of the most fulfilling in his life.

He decided after the year was over that it was his duty to use his powers for the good of mankind and went started travelling the world. For the next two hundred years he lived out his life, unaging, curing illness around the world. He slowly moved to bigger an bigger projects, instead of visiting individuals treating entire hospital wings, and helping stem epidemics and plagues. Often Casanova would get ill from being subjected to these diseases, but could always be cured by picturing himself naked. Oddly enough it is recorded that when he did this, unlike all of his other patients, he would not orgasm.

In 1968 Casanova came into the public sphere. He had published his memoirs in 1794 shortly before faking his own death and putting to rest ideas that he was still alive and practicing. A dummy is buried in former Bohemia, modern Czech Republic.

edit Today

After the sensation caused by his return to the limelight in the 1960's Casanova again disappeared to the shadows. Many people have claimed to have been cured by him. Resurfacing in 1997 to conduct an interview with Walter Cronkite he denied most of these cases as actual.

Many people claim to have been cured by me. Highly doubtful. I do occasionally still cure people, it's true, if I come across someone dying in the prime of life there's no reason to not cure them. But I'm leaving the scientists to it nowadays. I could travel round the world and try and cure everyone forever, but where would medicine be then, if they no longer had to research diseases to find cures? Also it'd get rather tiring. I'm 232 this year, I might not look it, but I am. I figure I'll only hang around for the rest of my natural mortal lifespan.

Casanova has come under fire for his views, especially critical are some who say he could do much more to save people from AIDs, and wake coma victims. Due to negative publicity of the interview Casanova yet again has slipped out of public attention, and no verified sightings since 2001 have been reported. Perhaps, as suggested by his interview he has decided to age naturally and is no longer curing anyone. He is rumored to live in Leeds, England.

Some say that Casanova still lives under the ground preying on defenceless women somewhere around the area of New York, under the name Rick Steves. This being the fact that he sleeps with over 500 hamsters and other rodents every 10 days. He likes to keep himself hidden from the world because he doesn't want to do 'all that shit' in life.

Some others also report several sightings of Casanova since 2009 in New England. He's rumored to be an ice hockey fan, since people claim they had spotted him at a few Boston Bruins home games. He most likely now makes his home somewhere in central Massachusetts.

One of his most famous sayings of all time is 'I don't want what I get, I get what I want'!

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