Carebears

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In later years Bedtime Bear often helped those with insomniac fall asleep by appearing on infomercials and PBS.

Carebears are a para-military organisation that has a fanatical devotion to the concept of "everybody happy." Led by Tenderheart, they were the true icon of American warm-fuzzies for most of the 1980's; until excess and depravity forced them down from their lofty pedestals.

[edit] The history of the Carebears

Coldheart's Florida mug shot.

In 1982 an unknown dirigible employee became a dastardly villain with the name of Professor Coldheart when he devised a plan to take over the Earth by releasing mind altering toxins into the atmosphere. These toxins reportedly removed the human capacity for compassion, caring and love. Coldheart's original plan called for him to release the ozone depleting mixture of emotional flavonoids and frozen Frescan crystals into strategically located nimbus clouds as a clever widespread delivery system.

Of his many human test subjects one named Kevin turned out to be the key to his undoing. Kevin previously had a personal relationship with a cloud dweller known as Tenderheart Bear and when apathy prevailed as the test subjects learned of mankind's doom, Kevin rushed to his former friend to spill the beans.

Although Tenderheart was unsuccessful at first by using internet blogs and protests with signs to combat Coldheart (who falsely reached out in 'friendship', ostensibly seeking the help of other humans to obtain chemicals and minerals needed to aid the ailing world) he was able to build an international resistance underground grass roots team force that supplied the truth-piercing ammunition, plus other effective weapons for the war, which revealed Coldheart's goal to harden people's hearts and let sorrow reign over the poor and tired masses.

Sadly, Kevin was missing in action during the operation.

Designer Drug bear was most popular during the late 80's.

His hope fading as his young companion was taken and being experimented on, Tenderheart gathered a number of his faithful followers and formed a vigilante group.^[1] He urged the Carebear Team to come on a mission with him to teach people how to feel and express emotions. At first his efforts seemed doomed to failure, however with the advent of designer drugs he soon found that people expressed their love in many new and interesting ways. He eventually saved the boy Kevin from captivity. Sadly, due to the tremendous Stockholm syndrome Kevin suffered, his feelings for Tenderheart's tender ways had faded, and their relationship took a nasty turn.

However as the War On Drugs failed the American public warmed to this vigilante crew, and started to teach their children to emulate their efforts. Models of the team, often made out of synthetic materials and stuffed with polymer cottons in Chinese sweatshops, were popular and sold to the point that retailers could barely keep up with demand. People often sent cards with images of the heroes to each other to celebrate major events in their lives. Many a child went home at the end of their Bah Mitzvah with an image of one of their heroes to watch over them as they slept. Valentines Day cards with the images sparked not a few instances of puppy love.

As time went on the popularity began to wane. However in 1984 Professor Frostbite came into prominence, and in a bizarre twist of fate, planned to do exactly the same thing as Professor Coldheart had before. Again Tenderheart rallied the troops, but this time with a vengeance. Many of the battles that took place were chronicled in animated propaganda during this time; one earning a daytime Emmy. Once the crew had captured the Professor Tenderheart, uncharacteristically insane with rage, started to attack desperately. It took the combined efforts of the remaining bears to remove him from the field of battle. Frostbite numb, blue and beaten near to death, fled while Tenderheart screamed his plans for revenge.

Although many Carebears have had a full recovery from drugs, religion, or internet porn, there have been some casualties.

Robbed of his chance for blood revenge, Tenderheart lost some of his tender edge and started to train his troops in a more and more militaristic style. In Autumn 1985 the bears went from one vigilante mission to another, always working for the highest bidder, and each mission lasting for a 30 minute period only. As a crack commando unit they continued until they were falsely accused of a misdeed and were sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. The bears promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today exonerated they still survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can still hire the Carebears.

the nature of this relationship has never been fully explained, there are some photos circulating the internet that show Tenderheart in bed with the young lad at a reported sleep over. Due to non-disclosure pressure, however, these can not be reprinted here as they are part of an ongoing legal dispute, and Tenderheart has refused to comment, however his lawyers have assured the public that they are faked.

Yet Tenderheart never felt fully satisfied with the results that they had been achieving, and slipped into an ever decreasing downward spiral, taking to more and more self medicated extremes to cope with his deep feelings of loss and abandonment. Turning his back on his previous team, Tenderheart recruited a newer, leaner, tougher and more dedicated team of "cousins". Preaching to them in an almost evangelistic fashion he called them his "new generation". It was this team he sent on a mission to liberate Wonderland from the Despotic rule of Dark Heart.

Although in militaristic terms this was a success, the high cost of lives due to the usage of the controversial "Care Bear Stare", coupled with the start of a worldwide recession caused by the reparations, meant that the care bears were no longer the icons of charity and moral strength that they once were. Over time they drifted their separate ways, and many took on their own careers. However, scarred by their adventures, very few could ever settle down to a normal life again. To this day they still wait upon Tenderheart's call to arms, both dreading the day that it will come, yet knowing they will be unable to resist the lure of this kind tyrant.

[edit] Carebear Stare

The Carebear Stare is a feat only available to those who are (or once were) Carebear commandos. These magical bears are able to shoot a beam of light so hot it can burn through walls and melt metal. The technology behind this is an extremely closely guarded secret, but even without knowing the technology behind it, the United Nations have officially declared it a Weapon of Mass Destruction. It is thought to have been the technology that Saddam Hussein was trying to emulate prior to the United Nations Task Force incursion into Iraq.

Rumour states that the Carebear Stare also can be used to see through any substance excepting lead, gold and laminate-tile surfaces. Although this is yet to be demonstrated in a scientific study, Carebears do tend to spend a lot of their time staring at people and laughing.

1. ↑ Known as the C Team

[edit] The Carebear Team

Headshot	[edit] Bedtime Bear Gives kids all over earth the equality that the need and deserve by providing them with waking nightmares of giant hearts chasing them down. The children fear that when the pending hearts of doom capture them they will be immediately devoured by capitalism. The children run around until they tire out. The symbol on bedtime bear's belly is a crescent moon crossed by a hammer.	Symbol

Headshot	[edit] Birthday Bear All this bear ever wants is to have everyone in their birthday suit. When he finally manages to accomplish this goal of his, he will be rewarded 35,000 Lifetime Happiness points. On his tummy is the image of a cupcake with a vibrator sticking out of it.	Symbol

Headshot	[edit] Cheer Bear Is a very joyful and perky bear; and wants everyone to be happy. She does this by selling large quantities of "happiness powder" to all the other bears. She also has appeared in her very own late night feature film with a "female friend" showcasing her own line of toys. She is pink and has the international symbol for homosexual pride tattooed on her tummy.	Symbol

Headshot	[edit] Friend Bear Wants everyone to be her friend. Failing that she wants someone to be her friend. Failing that she wants anyone to be her friend. Failing that she will befriend inanimate objects... Please be her friend, or else she will have to consult her therapist for further help with social interactions. The yellow "rose" of friendship is prominently displayed on her tumm-tum. Note: bears cannot distinguish between types of flowers.	Symbol

Headshot	[edit] Funshine Bear Loves to play practical jokes all-the-time! Funshine bear has been featured on the show Punked! several times (Unfortunately, FB and Ashton are now considered nemeses after a non-disclosed prank Funshine pulled on Ash). Funshine bear was female up until 2002, at which point he became male. We are still waiting for the punchline to that joke. Androgynous splotchy-yellow softly caresses Funshine's stomach.	Symbol

Headshot	[edit] Good Luck Bear Wants you to have good luck. He has an ever changing accent and also has a grass helicopter. Luckily, he's never been arrested for possession. He has a dope leaf on his stomach.	Symbol

Headshot	[edit] Grumpy Bear Is Grumpy all the time. He had a deeper voice when he was younger but as he became more buff his voice went up in pitch as time went on. Grumpy bear is on Emo 'roids. He has attempted to commit suicide various times, resulting in his intimate friendship with many of the Brooklyn Bridge cops. He is blue (oh so blue) and has a cloud tattoo on his chest to mirror his inner pain.	Symbol

Headshot	[edit] Love-a-Lot Bear Love-a-lot spreads love everywhere she goes, along with whatever else she has to spread. She is also perky and happy. Love-a-lot bear is very popular, especially with immature frat-boys looking for the 'real thing'. This bear should have a condom on her chest.	Symbol

Headshot	[edit] Tenderheart Bear Tenderheart was the leader of this rag-tag group of bears. He is brown sometimes, but blue at other times. Generally he manages to avoid being blue with a little help from his friends (or Love-a-lot bear). He rules with an iron fist and demands that everyone be caring and loving... or else! T-bear has a permanent matching scar from Love-a-Lot bear on his belly.	Symbol

Headshot	[edit] Wish Bear Wish bear makes wishes come true. Sometime they don't come true, but if you have a wish you have to say it to her, and believe in it with all your might. If the wish doesn't come true it's not her fault, it is yours for not wishing enough. If you had faith of at least the side of a mustard seed then your wish would come true. No wishes for you, you filthy unbeliever. With a blue-green background her symbol is that of a shooting star falling from a golden shower.	Symbol

[edit] Carebear Habitat

Found in the wild these carefully collected Carebear poop's have been categorized from the most to the least dangerous bear.

[edit] Clouds

Most of the Carebears that exist today live up in the clouds, for lack of any other safe, comfortable habitat. Also because the clouds make for fantastically tasty marshmallows, and beds. Sadly though, we know that their natural resources up there will be depleted by the year 2222, due to the intense amount of heat radiating from the Sun. This, sadly was not foreseen by the all-knowing Tenderfoot Bear.

[edit] Woods

Some live in woods, hills and dales. These are considered to be the most dangerous of all.

[edit] Theme Parks

Ironically, some dress up as cartoon characters in plush suits to make a good living in theme parks all across the world.