Captain Obvious

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Captain Obvious

Date of birth	Unknown
Marital Status	Divorced
Home	Earth. Obviously.
Occupation	Superhero
Powers	Unknown
Weakness	Thai food

“I think right here would be a good place for an Oscar Wilde quote”

~ Captain Obvious on The best place for an Oscar Wilde quote

“Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny”

~ Captain Obvious Impostor on Evolutionary Biology

“This is an article about me, Captain Obvious.”

~ Captain Obvious on this article

“You are <insert name here>. Obviously.”

~ Captain Obvious on you

“<insert name here> is reading this article”

~ Captain Obvious on this article

“If at first you don't succeed, you fail.”

~ Captain Obvious on success and failure

“I'm a man, so I'm not a woman.”

~ Captain Obvious on his biological gender

“George W. Bush was a president.”

~ Captain Obvious on George W. Bush

“She is the easiest lay from here to the Czech Republic.”

~ Captain Obvious on Yo momma

“船長明顯說明了顯而易見的.”

~ Captain Obvious's Chinese Counterpart on Captain Obvious

“キャプテン・オビアスはいつも当たり前の事を言う。”

~ Captain Obvious's Japanese Counterpart on Captain Obvious

“كابتن الفريق واضحة هو واضح ، واضح. أنا أكره أمريكا.”

~ Captain Obvious's Terrorist Counterpart on Captain Obvious

“In all of the above quotes, I am stating the obvious.”

~ Captain Obvious on the above quotes

“Surely these words have some sort of meaning.”

~ Captain Obvious on the dictionary

“Я русский капитан. Так-то!”

~ Captain Obvious's Russian Counterpart on Captain Obvious

“His sayings are not very correct,I guess.”

~ Captain Obvious on Captain Liar

“My costume is based on Captain America's costume.”

~ Captain Obvious on his costume

Captain Obvious is a superhero. That is, he is one of those guys who fights bad guys, supervillains, and evil-doers. The name "Captain" is purely symbolic. Captain Obvious does not hold the rank of Captain in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, Marines, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Commissioned Corps, the United States Public Health Service Commissioned Corps, The Salvation Army, nor any Police or Fire Department. Nor is he licensed to fly commercial or cargo aircraft or pilot fishing boats or cargo vessels, meaning that in a situation where he would have to pilot one of these vehicles and he was asked by a duly authorised official to prove that he had the legal right to do so, he would not be able to.

His symbol is a large "O". This is the circular image on his chest, identical to the letter used elsewhere; however, its use in such instances does not necessarily pertain to Captain Obvious. The "O" stands for "Obvious", rather than "Oklahoma", "Oregon", "Osama bin Laden", "Orange", "Ombudsman", "Obama" or any number of other words which begin with an "O". He sometimes carries a large shield with him, though this is primarily to stop his own team mates from beating the shit out of him. His main rival is Professor Subtle against whom he battles in many comic book and television episodes, but Professor Subtle never fails to reappear in subsequent episodes. This could be because Captain Obvious has failed to apprehend or destroy Professor Subtle in any way.

Captain Obvious is not to be confused with Mr. Obvious, who simply happens to have Obvious as a family name, as Captain Obvious pointed out in page 12 of his autobiography:

Note: This is not how Captain Obvious would appear in real life.

Nor is Captain Obvious to be confused with Captain Oblivious, his twin brother.

He first rose through the ranks of the Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters to join the X-Men. His actual superpowers are known by very few. Some speculate that it has something to do with levitation, super intelligence, or raising the dead. Whatever it was, most people forget that he has any superpowers, and eventually the name 'Captain Obvious' caught on.

Captain Obvious on the Titanic.

He was first brought into the X-Men for his intelligence and vocalness, which quickly drove the group mad. He managed to demonstrate a moderate degree of usefulness when he was able to annoy and distract an evil-doer (a time-travelling evil mutant clone of the Silver Surfer) with his obvious statements, which gave the X-Men time to infiltrate the villain's lair. However, he earned few points with them for this performance because the X-Men were only infiltrating to rescue Captain Obvious. He was later expelled from the X-Men due to his numerous bouts of obviousness. The final straw came when Magneto broke into the X-Men's headquarters after Captain Obvious hid the key under a doormat, making off with Professor X's CD collection and the team's X-box.

His expulsion may also have been related to the non-professional nature of his relationship with his sidekick, Readily Apparent Boy. Although group members did not disapprove of such relationships (the JLA readily tolerated a clandestine relationship between a certain bat-themed hero and his sidekick), the indiscreet nature of the relationship - including flirting in public and spats in crowded restaurants - drew unwanted attention to the Justice League. "I mean, it really wouldn't have been a problem," said Superman in an interview, "If they didn't have to make it just so freakin'... ya know... obvious."

Secret Identity???

Captain Obvious may also be an alias of Banksy.

Though Captain Obvious vehemently denies this (over and over), it has been suggested by some people that Captain Obvious and Mr. Obvious are, in fact, the same person. Those people cite examples of how whenever Captain Obvious leaps into action, it's always right after Mr. Obvious conspicuously leaves, loudly saying "I'm leaving now, but not to do anything interesting! I'm certainly not switching to my superhero identity, which of course, I do not have, as most people do not!"

These conspiracy nuts, however, are always disproved instantly. The fact that Captain Obvious has stated on many occasions that he is probably not Mr. Obvious (nudge nudge wink wink), or that it would simply be way too obvious, are commonly accepted as proof.

A new theory recently circulated that Captain Obvious is in fact the Guy from the Ronseal Paint Adverts. That, or it's <insert name here>.

Captain Obvious and Pop Culture

One of the many road signs made by Captain Obvious.

Captain Obvious strikes again, this time letting a cat know that it is a cat.

Another of Captain Obvious's signs from his Campaign

This inability of Captain Obvious to stick with any particular group has also hurt his cultural standing. An entire thirty minutes were cut from the first X-Men film to eliminate his role, due to the sheer 'predictability' of the character. He appeared once on The O'Reilly Factor in a historic appearance that lasted all of ten seconds when he blurted out that "Wait a minute, this show isn't fair and balanced at all."

His comic book line sold out its first three issues, but sales quickly plummeted due to what readers complained was 'predictable writing.' These days he fills in minor roles, usually uttering phrases such as "That asteroid is heading straight toward us!" or "If we don't defuse this hydrogen bomb, the whole city will be destroyed!" His 900 page autobiography was also panned. In the book, titled 'This is a book about me, Captain Obvious', he admits what was already believed by many to be his greatest weakness.

“I think my constant exclusion may have something to do with how I always say the obvious.”

~ Captain Obvious on Page 22

His autobiography had the following chapters.

The First Couple Pages
My Birth. How Two Opposite Gender Adults Make Me
My Body, and Its Many Features (Included specially detailed sections and diagrams on what his integral organs do, such as: his heart, his arms, and his vagina.)
Growing Up. The Tough Obstacles I Endured Like Learning to Walk and Eat
Yes, I've Actually Been Alive These Past 40 Years
Puberty, A Time of Change In My Life
That Time I Wrote an Autobiography, and the Kind of Stuff That Went Into It
Yes, I Am Probably Going to Die Someday...
This is The Last Chapter.

He has also starred in the following movies:

Captain Obvious saves Labor Day
Captain Obvious and the Terrorist
Captain Obvious kills Kwanzaa
Captain Obvious and "The Talk"