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“Captain, the French are about to kick my ass.”
Jean-Luc Picard (July 32, 2305 – Quintilis 4, 57 BC???), also known as "Captain Picard", "Admiral Picard", "Reverend Picard", or simply "Pick-Hard", will meet his acclaim as a Starfleet captain for the United Federation of Planets in the 24th Century, among other roles in various other times and places, which can't be explained herein. As of 2011, Picard is non-existent. His most recent activity, relative to his age, was when he commanded the USS Doodle (Rowboat) on a river in Dorchester County, Massachusetts, United States, Earth in 1857 AD.
History, and future history (Fistory), has demonstrated that Captain Picard and Time do not get along, so much so that Time has obtained a restraining-order. Additionally, Jean-Luc Picard holds the Guinness Book World Record for most paradoxes executed by a mortal man, bested only by Captain Kirk and his alternate reality, the Shatnerverse, where Kirk is the center of everyone’s attention.
edit Early Life
Picard was born and raised on a fudge farm near Le Chateau de Poo Poo in France. This town was very smelly and was built around the lesser known of the two Norman era Potty towns, the more renowned castle and village being the lemon producing Chateau de Wee Wee (also smelly).
Jean Luc's youth was an abusive one given the ill, and often sexually obscene, treatment of him by his siblings, parents, priests, neighbors, and village cheese-makers. Nonetheless, Picard’s early days were consumed by the common drudgeries of 24th century industrial fudge making. Needless to say, replicators were invented by Thomas Edison XIII in 2312 when young Picard was about 7 years of age; however, the aforementioned parties neglected to tell him this as they enjoyed watching Picard toil on the fudge line. After the replicator was invented, Picard's fellow fudge factory child-laborers in France dropped 99.93%, save Picard. Picard was covertly fed copious amounts of mercury via his mother pouring the poisonous liquid metal into his morning Earl Grey to cut down his extraordinarily high IQ, thereby keeping his suspicions at bay.
Picard inherited the epithet "Pick Hard" because his name sounded like that and it implied that he picked his nose, or something, even though he never did. However, after discovering that he had a penis at age 17, Jean-Luc began picking at it fervently, thus living up to his once misappropriated nickname. Picard was reportedly treated over 76½ times for acute penile injury by a penis doctor appropriately named "Bones III", who in turn was a descendent of Leonard McCoy. No relative of Jean-Luc's can account for the reason as to why he hadn't discovered his penis prior to this time; yet, many Starfleet scholars and penisologists now believe that his frequent unbeknownst mercury imbibings play some role in this.
It wasn't until his late teens that Picard’s American sweet-heart, also an aluminum can recycling mogul's daughter, Madame Beverage Crusher (later known as Dr. Beverly Crusher), turned him on to Starfleet by sticking a telescope up his butt and saying, "I see Uranus", when she looked through the lens. This was a revelation for young Picard as he realized at this point that his destiny lie in proctology, which later evolved into deep space exploration. Several portraits have been created, after Picard achieved his fame, to depict this historical event as it occurred. Picard's very own Enterprise-D colleague, Mr. Data, is known to have partaken in illustrating this event of the “telescope up Uranus” on canvas.
Jean-Luc Picard is the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of René Descartes; the great, very great, great, great, great, great grandson of the famous nobodies Edward Smit & Édith Piaf, and the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, really great, great, great grandson of Jean uh-huh-huh Leroux II.
Picard began his education at the La Forge de Geordi of France Junior and Infants School. His interest in Starfleet originated with a Vulcan teacher named Tpac Shkur who put a copy of Shakespeare in his hand and said, “now eat it nigga!” after Picard refused to acknowledge the value of books. In 2316, aged 11, he entered Awh Huh Huh Secondary Modern School (now the French Elvis Free Grammar School), where he continued to study edible books.
At age 15, Picard left school and increased his participation in trespassing government property. After being caught on numerous occasions, and serving time in juvenile detention, he was urged by his imaginary friend, Q, to go study at the University of Antarctica, or to join Starfleet. Picard picked at his penis for a few hours, where a normal person would’ve twiddle their thumbs, and decided to go for the latter. Picard’s family strongly disproved on the decision, as they didn’t want to see Jean-Luc succeed in anything; however, Picard, having not drunk his mercury contaminated Earl Grey in days, decided to escape home on foot. Foolishly, he forgot to take his shoes. Instead of having to cover over 100 km of French countryside in his bare feet, Picard went to a pet shop next to a shoe store, stole two rabbits, and tied them to the soles of his feet. “Them’s mah squeaky socks” he said in French, and was off to the nearest Starbase.
edit Starfleet Academy
Upon arriving at Starbase France, Picard realized that he didn’t have enough money to bask in hedonism, or to replace his rabbit shoes, which were by now dead and quite stinky. He enlisted to Starfleet Academy at the tender age of 17¾ in 2322. A year later, Picard failed the cadet entrance exam, due to the fact that he couldn't press any computer buttons as his hands were chaffed from excessive penis picking. Picard's Russian colleague, Ivan A. Jackov, a fellow penis picker and later renowned Professor of Masterbatorial Sciences, convinced a crestfallen Jean-Luc that he belonged in Starfleet, and ought to make another attempt. The following year, Picard blue balled' it, passed the exam, and was admitted into the Academy as a cadet 5th class.
In his first year, Jean-Luc was relocated to Starfleet academy in San Francisco, and was supervised by Cadet First Lieutenant Jacob Bieber (descendant of Justin Bieber). Picard also developed a meth habit at Cal Tech in Old Pasadena with Adrienne Tillstrom. Picard also made good friends with Cadets Black Santa and Limps, the incontinent grandson of Doctor Leonard McCoy (AKA “Bones”). In an unofficial Amsterdam Starfleet competition, he was awarded the high scorer in ejaculatory marksmanship.
At one point during his Academy career, Picard, along with Limps, risked possible expulsion and imprisonment for hijacking the comatose Ariel Sharon, and flying him to the black-market genetics laboratory on the planet Yrskatdonglifograftipolarjurquil VII. This was in an attempt to resolve the ~250 year old Israel-Arab conflict after discovering the only known cure for Arab hating, which was a banned genetic re-sequencing procedure of falafel.
In 2324, Jean-Luc won the 41st Starfleet Academy egg-tossing contest against a number of competitors, and became the first yeoman to win, beating many favorites, including Spock. After winning, Picard stabbed his friend Ivan A. Jackov with a plastic spoon for no apparent reason other than it being some ancient Klingon victory gesture, or so he claimed. Ivan spent over 68 months in hospital while Picard was sentenced to 2 hours at the Starfleet detention center (mitigated to 30 minutes for good behavior).
After graduating from Starfleet Academy in 2327, Ensign Picard and his friends, with the exception of Ivan, awaited their first assignment at Starbase Earhart. While on the base, Picard was stabbed through the heart with a plastic spoon and nearly killed by three Mexicans after forcing a game of “Steal the Sombrero” on the Mexican spacemen. Picard received an artificial heart at the starbase's medical center as a prize for getting stabbed thru the heart.
edit Jedi Academy
In his 3rd year at Starfleet, Picard and a group of friends got very inebriated on snythohol and flew their shuttle-craft to Ossus, which is a planet in a galaxy far, far away. The trip took approximately 370 years, but Picard's group was having so much fun partying that they were oblivious to time's passing. Excessive snythohol and syntharettes imbibing are known to delay the process of aging, and turn back time.
After the group crash landed in the dome of the Jedi temple, Obi-Wan Kenobi, very pissed off, as he was enjoying breakfast toast and Ego waffles, sashimi'd every member of the shuttle-crew with his lightsaber butter-knife, minus Picard who was busy making a captain's log in the shuttle craft's bathroom. Obi-wan, quite satisfied, yet remorseful, of his bloodletting made some Kool-Aid for the dead Cadets, who in turn ignored the hospitality, and Obi-wan returned to breakfast.
Picard, after wiping himself with an orphaned tribble, exited the shuttle the same way Obi-wan had and joined him for breakfast. Picard is a well-renowned cannibal, and it is told that he gathered together and ate the very sashimi'd cuttings of his crew before Obi-wan- who was contemplating roasting Picard with chestnuts over an open fire. Obi-wan however figured that he would finish his breakfast first and see how far Picard was willing to go on a presumed cannibalism farce. Before such could occur, Picard made a fecal-occult cannibal fart (the foulest fart in the known universe), and Obi-wan cheerfully applauded him while whipping the pain induced tears from his eyes. Obi-wan then told Picard to suck on his lightsaber (or lightsabre if you live in the Common Wealth). Picard agreed to suck Obi-Wan’s lightsaber for 2 seconds, and consequently spent 7 months in hospital. Subsequent to Picard’s hospital stay, Obi-wan accepted and enrolled Picard into the Jedi Business School so that he could earn his JBA (Jedi of Business Administration).
After completing his degree in business administration at Jedi Academy and receiving a graduate degree Jedi Master of Business Administration (JMBA), Picard returned to our galaxy through a wormhole thing. It can be noted at this point that 91% of Picard's life was spent partying with young space cadets in a tiny shuttlecraft, which explains why he is able to maintain such a serious countenance all the fucking time.
edit Service Record
Picard has served aboard a number of Starfleet vessels and hard rock bands.
edit USS Star-Gazer
Picard's first assignment as a Captain was aboard a ship called the Star-Gazer (AKA "ass blazer"). It earned this moniker for becoming the first openly homosexual starship in the fleet at that time- there are now over 50 openly homosexual starships in the federation. Picard joined the Star-Gazer primarily because his only specializations at the time were in color macramé, and aviary sciences. He was manned up by a highly aggressive Klingon envoy who was being transported on the Star-Gazer from Klingon to Earth. Picard was his caretaker, and this Klingon taught Picard how to punch things, especially Ferengis. This lesson was essential for Picard as he soon punched his way up the Starfleet latter when stonewalled by higher ups. It is assumed that the Klingon wasn't really trying to teach Picard, but was venting anger and disgust from being forced to travel with a bunch of homos. One day before arriving, the Klingon punched himself to death, after being “grabbed for the last time” by human males.
Not much is known about his service on this ship as a syndicated television series was not made about it.
edit USS Enterprise-D (NCC-1701-D)
Perhaps Picard’s most renowned service record belongs to that of his 7 years as captain of the USS Enterprise-D. While on the Enterpirse-D, Picard made many friends, and rekindled his relationship with Doctor Beverly Crusher, with very sexy consequences. Such adventures include Picard living an entire life in "the inner light", becoming a Borg leader, and getting trapped in a turbo-lift with children. Futurist scholars agree that the most significant event on the NCC-1701, occurred after Picard drunkenly urinated on lieutenant commander Data, who was cleaning the bridge lavatory, and consuqently had his CPU short circuited. Due to a remarkable feat of processing alignments in Lt. Data’s brain, he began computing the “Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything”. Commander data was about 42 seconds away from discovering the “Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything”, but was impeded when Picard threw a bucket of water on him in a foolish attempt to revive him. Data subsequently died, and was shipped to a fashion store on 5th Avenue to serve as a mannequin. Picard farted in indifference, and then went on to crash the Enterprise-D into some planet [See: The Generations issue].
edit Jefferson Starship
Picard served as a skin-flute player on the Jefferson Starship after being sent back to 1970 by Q. Here, he befriended Paul Kantner, David Freiberg, Donny Baldwin, Slick Aguilar, Chris Smith, and Cathy Richardson. During this time, Picard helped form the "Planet Earth Rock and Roll Orchestra", which was an NGO that illegally funneled IMF funding toward his new Rock Band Entrepreneurship (RBE) organization.
edit Celebrity Career
So popular were Picard and his crew's adventures on the Enterprise-D that a syndicated real-time documentary television series called Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG), was filmed on-location and sent back in time through a time portal to NBC Times studios in Time, New York North America, Earth from 1987-1994. Due to a space-time transmission error, content was horribly distorted and the studios decided to stop broadcasting the TNG series in early 1994.
Shortly after, the various studio executive’s pithy bonuses were learned and they decided to somehow mash together the garbled content they were receiving in order to release theatric length films. This served their goal of raising their respective bonuses; however, it also pissed off the entirety of the TNG fan-base due to the “sucky, distorted, plot-less, nonsense” that the TNG movies delivered. Riots were witnessed all over the United States in 1994 (Generations), 1996 (First Contact), 1998 (Insurrection), and 2002 (Nemesis). These led to a dramatic increase in heart-related illnesses due to sedentary trekkies (Star Trek fans) abruptly being forced to engage in the physically tedious activity of riot. The severity of these riots dissipated with time as people cared less and less about the Enterprise-D, especially after it was destroyed.
After departing the smoldering saucer section of the Enterprise-D, Picard famously quoted "that rocked", a phrase which hadn't been heard by anyone in several centuries. In utter disgust with Picard's disregard for his species, as well as his insolent quote, Q decided to send him back to 1970 so he could "learn how to rock".
One day while masturbating to an image of a tree (spruce) in the holodeck, Picard was sucked through his own urethra, which housed a wormhole, into the 20th century where he met a 20th century Fox who told him it was time to be knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. Picard said “make it so”, and was off to England.
On the morning of April 1st 2360, Picard was drinking tea in the conference room with his first officers, like any other day, when he spontaneously threw his scalding mug across the room yelling "Jizzum!" All were silent and Picard ingeniously remarked to them, "the next person who otters a syllable, I shall strip naked, rape over the conference table, and order to babysit Wesley", thereby silencing the crew for the remainder of the meeting while he carried out an indignant rant about how much Starfleet Command sucks nowadays and how his bosses piss him off.
edit Alternate Identities
Picard is known to assume various identities when he gets bored of his stupid French name. In 2315, he changed his surname to "Repicard", but that sounded too much like "retard" so he changed it to "Replicard"; however, this caused him to be sought after by Blade Runners prompting him to change it back to the original "Picard". In 2346, while serving on the Enterprise-D, he once again changed his name to "Perk-Hard" for his supporting role in a bangship porno called “Enter Her Prize NC-17” during his tenure on the Enterprise-D. Counselor Diana Troy also served in this film performing a blowjob on Picard while he raped her, thus achieving the legendary rapeblow.
Even though he is depicted as deeply moral, highly logical and ambitious, Picard spent most of his time masturbating on the USS Enterprise-D holodeck, which is quite strange as he could simply have sex with anyone, or thing, he desires by creating a program; nonetheless, he prefers to masturbate. Aside from picking his nose and masturbating, Picard has a fondness for detective stories, Britney Spears, and archeology. He is frequently shown drinking Earl Grey pee in his ready room, ripping his Starfleet uniform by pulling down on it once too often, and issuing orders of repair to his seamstress by saying "Make it sew".
Picard died in 1692 after being sent to the past by Doc Brown without enough plutonium to get back. The nature of his death stemmed from his accoutrements being of 20th century design. Picard's Nike sneakers, blue jeans, red vest, and electric guitar did not settle well with the Spanish conquistadors he encountered. Heresy was penned on Picard and he was forced to eat grape stems until he lay dead. It is noted in history books that Picard died of a belly-ache in The Tribunal of the Holy Office of the Inquisition in El Maricone, Spain.
History tells that Picard was resurrected by some guy with the Necromonicon, and again a few hours later by Mrs. Winifred Atkins of 392 N. Crescent Ln., Kingston Upon Thames, England, U.K., Earth. In this first event Picard had died from a mortal, deadly, fatal death in 11th century England. A guy with a big chin and "boom stick" then performed an incantation upon his remains. Approximately 800 years, 52 days, 9 hours, 17 minutes, 49 seconds later, Picard appeared naked in the middle of Stonehenge- a quarter mile above ground. Picard fell to his death after just being resurrected, which was all witnessed by an old English woman and her husband on holiday. Her surprise was demonstrated by an instant of flatulence, which made God laugh very much so. He decided to extend Picard's existence at that very moment. Fortunately, God was hovering over England that day because there had been a game at Wimbledon earlier; however, God got lost somehow, and wound up in Stonehenge.
edit Zombie Picard
Little is known about the Zombie Jean-Luc Picard; however, it was reported in 17th century European history that a bald man of medium build, who uttered “Picard”, “Enterprise” and “Bwains”, had terrorized French villages in the form of brain eating. Zombie Picard was last sighted raping himself in an alley circa 50 AD, according to the Book of Revelations. He is anticipated to ride into town with the Whore of Babylon on the Last Day.