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“This is an article about me, Captain Obvious.”
“That last quote was an example of something obvious.”
“So was that one...”
“Yup...that one too.”
“This is the fifth quote on the page.”
“Dude...just shut the fuck up...”
“George Bush doesn't care about black people.”
Captain Obvious is a superhero. That is, he is a guy who fights bad guys, supervillains, and evil-doers. The name "Captain" is purely symbolic. Captain Obvious does not hold the rank of Captain in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, Marines, or any Police Department. Nor is he licenced to pilot fishing vessels or cargo vessels in domestic or international waters.
His symbol is a large "O". The "O" stands for "Obvious", rather than "Oklahoma", "Orange", "Ombudsman" or any number of other words which begin with an "O".
Captain Obvious is not to be confused with Mr. Obvious, who simply happens to have Obvious as a family name, as Captain Obvious pointed out in page 12 of his autobiography:
“Mr. Obvious has Obvious as a last name.”
Mr. Obvious verified this in his own autobiography where in page 47 he writes:
“Yes... my name is Mr. Obvious”
Nor is Captain Obvious to be confused with Captain Oblivious, his twin brother.
Captain Obvious is a freelance superhero constantly moving between superhero groups. He usually winds up kicked out after no longer than six months due to his unique ability, which is best described in his own words:
“All I do is remind people of what they really ought to know by now.”
He first rose through the ranks of the Xavier School for Gifted Youth to join the X-Men. His actual superpowers are known by very few. Some speculate that it has something to do with levitation or super intelligence. Whatever it was, most people forget that he has any superpowers, and eventually the name 'Captain Obvious' caught on.
He was first brought into to the X-Men for his intelligence and vocalness, which quickly drove the group mad. He managed to demonstrate a moderate degree of usefulness when he was able to annoy and distract an evil-doer (a time-travelling evil mutant clone of the Silver Surfer) with his obvious statements, which gave the X-Men time to infiltrate the villain's lair. However, because the X-Men were only infiltrating to rescue Captain Obvious, he earned few points with them for this performance. He was later expelled from the X-Men due to his numerous bouts of obviousness. The final straw came when Magneto broke into the X-Men's headquarters after Captain Obvious hid the key under the doormat, making off with Professor X's CD collection and the team's X-box.
“Way to go, Captain Obvious!”
Other Quotes on Record from Captain Obvious
“Maybe the store will let us take the stuff if we give them money?”
“It's a pool of acid. That could be dangerous.”
“Our foes have superpowers that they are not using in the name of justice!”
“Judging by the lair's diagram, it consists of a series of booby traps which could potentially injure someone...or worse.”
“Your claws. They are...sharp!”
“Logan, you have rage issues.”
“Humans are people too.”
“This runway isn't the most sensible picnic area.”
“Wait here! This button beside the door will call an elevator!”
“Evil cyborgs are attacking that school bus, some sort of action should be taken!”
It wasn't long before the group became fed up with what he thought were 'insightful observations'. He lent his services to the Justice League of America, but was soon expelled due to his controversial views on America.
“War is violent.”
“Peace, however, is not.”
His expulsion may also have been related to the non-professional nature of his relationship with his sidekick, Readily Apparent Boy. Although group members did not disapprove of such relationships(the JLA readily tolerated a clandestine relationship between a certain bat-themed hero and his sidekick), the indiscreet nature of the relationship- including flirting in public and spats in crowded restaurants- drew unwanted attention to the Justice League. "I mean, it really wouldn't have been a problem," said Superman in an interview, "If they didn't have to make it just so freakin'... ya know... obvious."
Captain Obvious and Pop Culture
This inability of Captain Obvious to stick with any particular group has also hurt his cultural standing. An entire thirty minutes were cut from the first X-Men film to eliminate his role, due to the sheer 'predictability' of the character. He appeared once on Bill O'Reilly in a historic appearance that lasted all of ten seconds when he blurted out that "Wait a minute, this show isn't fair and balanced at all."
His comic book line sold out its first three issues, but sales quickly plummeted due to what readers complained was 'predictable writing.' These days he fills in minor roles, usually uttering phrases such as "That asteroid is heading straight toward us!" or "If we don't defuse this hydrogen bomb, the whole city will be destroyed!" His 900 page autobiography was also panned. In the book, titled 'This is a book about me, Captain Obvious', he admits what was already believed by many to be his greatest weakness.
“I think my constant exclusion may have something to do with how I always say the obvious.”
His autobiography had the following chapters.
- 1. The First Couple Pages
- 2. My Birth. How Two Opposite Gender Adults Make Me
- 3. My Body, and Its Many Features (Included specially detailed sections and diagrams on what his integral organs do such as his heart, his arms, and his fingers.)
- 4. Growing Up. The Tough Obstacles I Endured Like Learning to Walk and Eat
- 5. Puberty, A Time of Change In My Life
- 6. Yes, I've Actually Been Alive These Past 40 Years
- 7. That Time I Wrote an Autobiography, and the Kind of Stuff That Went Into It
- 8. Yes, I Am Probably Going to Die Someday...
- 9. This is The Last Chapter
Enemies of Captain Obvious
“Right here you will learn who my enemies are. My enemies being people who want to harm me.”
Captain Obvious' skills have managed to draw the attention of a number of super villains:
- Doctor Not So Obvious
- Major Devious
- Not At All Predictable Ned
- The Enigma
- Commander Coy
- Totally Random Boy
- Jay and Silent Bob
“You should stop reading here. There's nothing left of the article.”