Captain Obvious

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 12:15, April 2, 2006 by Un-Gazco (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search

Above, a picture of Captain Obvious.

You may be looking for John Madden and not even know it!.
“I will fight for the truth of mentioning the obvious!!!”
~ Captain Obvious on Himself
“This is an article about me, Captain Obvious.”
~ Captain Obvious
“That last quote was an example of something obvious.”
~ Captain Obvious on The Previous Quote
“So was that one...”
~ Captain Obvious on the Third Quote Down
“Yup...that one too.”
~ Captain Obvious on The Quote Above
“This is the sixth quote on the page.”
~ Captain Obvious on This Quote
“Dude...just shut the fuck up...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Captain Obvious
“George Bush doesn't care about black people.”
~ Kanye West on George Bush, after stripping Captain Obvious of his superpowers and taking them as his own

Captain Obvious


Captain Obvious is a superhero. That is, he is a guy who fights bad guys, supervillains, and evil-doers. The name "Captain" is purely symbolic. Captain Obvious does not hold the rank of Captain in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, Marines, or any Police Department. Nor is he licenced to pilot fishing vessels or cargo vessels in domestic or international waters.

His symbol is a large "O". The "O" stands for "Obvious", rather than "Oklahoma", "Orange", "Ombudsman" or any number of other words which begin with an "O".

Captain Obvious is not to be confused with Mr. Obvious, who simply happens to have Obvious as a family name, as Captain Obvious pointed out in page 12 of his autobiography:

Mr. Obvious has Obvious as a last name.”
~ Captain Obvious on Mr. Obvious

Mr. Obvious verified this in his own autobiography where in page 47 he writes:

“Yes... my name is Mr. Obvious”
~ Mr. Obvious on His Name

Nor is Captain Obvious to be confused with Captain Oblivious, his twin brother.

“Captain who?”
~ Captain Oblivious on Captain Obvious

Captain Obvious is a freelance superhero constantly moving between superhero groups. He usually winds up kicked out after no longer than six months due to his unique ability, which is best described in his own words:

“All I do is remind people of what they really ought to know by now.”
~ Captain Obvious on Captain Obvious

He first rose through the ranks of the Xavier School for Gifted Youth to join the X-Men. His actual superpowers are known by very few. Some speculate that it has something to do with levitation or super intelligence. Whatever it was, most people forget that he has any superpowers, and eventually the name 'Captain Obvious' caught on.

He was first brought into to the X-Men for his intelligence and vocalness, which quickly drove the group mad. He managed to demonstrate a moderate degree of usefulness when he was able to annoy and distract an evil-doer (a time-travelling evil mutant clone of the Silver Surfer) with his obvious statements, which gave the X-Men time to infiltrate the villain's lair. However, because the X-Men were only infiltrating to rescue Captain Obvious, he earned few points with them for this performance. He was later expelled from the X-Men due to his numerous bouts of obviousness. The final straw came when Magneto broke into the X-Men's headquarters after Captain Obvious hid the key under the doormat, making off with Professor X's CD collection and the team's X-box.

“Way to go, Captain Obvious!”
~ X-Men on Captain Obvious

Other Quotes on Record from Captain Obvious

“Maybe the store will let us take the stuff if we give them money?”
~ Captain Obvious on shopping for decorative bric-a-bracs with Cypher after being sent out on errands by the other X-Men
“It's a pool of acid. That could be dangerous.”
~ Captain Obvious on a pool of acid
“Our foes have superpowers that they are not using in the name of justice!”
~ Captain Obvious
“Judging by the lair's diagram, it consists of a series of booby traps which could potentially injure someone...or worse.”
~ Captain Obvious
“Your claws. They!”
~ Captain Obvious on Wolverine's claws
“Logan, you have rage issues.”
~ Captain Obvious on Wolverine, shortly before being admitted to the emergency room
“Humans are people too.”
~ Captain Obvious
“This runway isn't the most sensible picnic area.”
~ Captain Obvious
“Wait here! This button beside the door will call an elevator!”
~ Captain Obvious
“Evil cyborgs are attacking that school bus, some sort of action should be taken!”
~ Captain Obvious on Evil cyborgs attacking that school bus

It wasn't long before the group became fed up with what he thought were 'insightful observations'. He lent his services to the Justice League of America, but was soon expelled due to his controversial views on America.

“War is violent.”
~ Captain Obvious on War
“Peace, however, is not.”
~ Captain Obvious on Peace

His expulsion may also have been related to the non-professional nature of his relationship with his sidekick, Readily Apparent Boy. Although group members did not disapprove of such relationships(the JLA readily tolerated a clandestine relationship between a certain bat-themed hero and his sidekick), the indiscreet nature of the relationship- including flirting in public and spats in crowded restaurants- drew unwanted attention to the Justice League. "I mean, it really wouldn't have been a problem," said Superman in an interview, "If they didn't have to make it just so freakin'... ya know... obvious."

Captain Obvious and Pop Culture

This inability of Captain Obvious to stick with any particular group has also hurt his cultural standing. An entire thirty minutes were cut from the first X-Men film to eliminate his role, due to the sheer 'predictability' of the character. He appeared once on Bill O'Reilly in a historic appearance that lasted all of ten seconds when he blurted out that "Wait a minute, this show isn't fair and balanced at all."

His comic book line sold out its first three issues, but sales quickly plummeted due to what readers complained was 'predictable writing.' These days he fills in minor roles, usually uttering phrases such as "That asteroid is heading straight toward us!" or "If we don't defuse this hydrogen bomb, the whole city will be destroyed!" His 900 page autobiography was also panned. In the book, titled 'This is a book about me, Captain Obvious', he admits what was already believed by many to be his greatest weakness.

“I think my constant exclusion may have something to do with how I always say the obvious.”
~ Captain Obvious on Page 22

His autobiography had the following chapters.

  • 1. The First Couple Pages
  • 2. My Birth. How Two Opposite Gender Adults Make Me
  • 3. My Body, and Its Many Features (Included specially detailed sections and diagrams on what his integral organs do such as his heart, his arms, and his fingers.)
  • 4. Growing Up. The Tough Obstacles I Endured Like Learning to Walk and Eat
  • 5. Puberty, A Time of Change In My Life
  • 6. Yes, I've Actually Been Alive These Past 40 Years
  • 7. That Time I Wrote an Autobiography, and the Kind of Stuff That Went Into It
  • 8. Yes, I Am Probably Going to Die Someday...
  • 9. This is The Last Chapter

Enemies of Captain Obvious

“Right here you will learn who my enemies are. My enemies being people who want to harm me.”
~ Captain Obvious on This Subject

Captain Obvious' skills have managed to draw the attention of a number of super villains:

“You should stop reading here. There's nothing left of the article.”
~ Captain Obvious


Personal tools