Captain Obvious

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 17:05, March 2, 2013 by EditorE (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
You may be looking for John Madden and not even know it!
Captain Obvious
CaptainobviousChooseOption
Date of birth Unknown
Marital Status Divorced
Home Earth. Obviously.
Occupation Superhero
Powers Unknown
Weakness Thai food
Also Known As John Madden
“This is an article about me, Captain Obvious.”
~ Captain Obvious on this obvious article
“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
~ The general public on Captain's statements

Captain Obvious is a superhero — one of the people who fight bad guys, supervillains, and assorted evil-doers. The prefix "Captain", however, is purely symbolic. Although the "Obvious" part of Captain Obvious's name is certainly true, Captain Obvious does not hold the rank of Captain in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, Marines, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Commissioned Corps, the United States Public Health Service Commissioned Corps, the Salvation Army or any Police or Fire Department. Nor is he licensed to fly commercial or cargo aircraft or pilot fishing boats or cargo vessels, meaning that in a situation where he would have to pilot one of these vehicles and is asked by a duly authorized official to prove that he had the legal right to do so, he would not be able to.

Captain Obvious's symbol is a large "O". This is the circular image on his chest, identical to the letter used elsewhere; however, its use in such instances does not necessarily pertain to Captain Obvious. The "O" stands for "Obvious", rather than "Oklahoma", "Oregon", "Osama bin Laden", "Orange", "Ombudsman", "Obama" or any of the other six words that begin with an "O". He sometimes carries a large shield with him, though this is primarily to stop his own team mates from beating the living daylights out of him. His main rival is the dastardly Professor Subtle, against whom he battles in many comic book and television episodes, but Professor Subtle never fails to reappear in subsequent episodes. This could be because Captain Obvious has failed to apprehend or destroy Professor Subtle in any way, or because, as Captain Obvious has pointed out on several occasions, "It's all retcon's fault!".

History

CaptobviousChooseOption

Note that this is not one of Captain Obvious's statements. He readily addresses that fact that he is rarely "to the rescue".

He first rose through the ranks of the Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters to join the X-Men. His actual superpowers are known by very few. Some speculate that it has something to do with levitation, super intelligence, or raising the dead. Whatever it was, most people forget that he has any superpowers, and eventually the name 'Captain Obvious' caught on.

CaptObviousTitanic

Captain Obvious on the Titanic.

He was first brought into the X-Men for his intelligence and vocalness, which quickly drove the group mad. He managed to demonstrate a moderate degree of usefulness when he was able to annoy and distract an evil-doer (a time-traveling evil mutant clone of the Silver Surfer) with his obvious statements, which gave the X-Men time to infiltrate the villain's lair. However, he earned few points with them for this performance because the X-Men were only infiltrating to rescue Captain Obvious. He was later expelled from the X-Men due to his numerous bouts of obviousness. The final straw came when Magneto broke into the X-Men's headquarters after Captain Obvious hid the key under a doormat, making off with Professor X's CD collection and the team's X-box.

His expulsion may also have been related to the non-professional nature of his relationship with his sidekick, Readily Apparent Boy. Although group members did not disapprove of such relationships (the J.L.A. readily tolerated a clandestine relationship between a certain bat-themed hero and his sidekick), the indiscreet nature of the relationship - including flirting in public and spats in crowded restaurants - drew unwanted attention to the Justice League. "I mean, it really wouldn't have been a problem," said Superman in an interview, "If they didn't have to make it just so freakin'... ya know... obvious."

Secret identity

Obviousgraffiti

Captain Obvious may also be an alias of Banksy.

Though Captain Obvious vehemently denies this (over and over), some suggest that Captain Obvious and Mr. Obvious are the same person. Those people note that, whenever Captain Obvious leaps into action, it's always right after Mr. Obvious conspicuously leaves, loudly saying, "I'm leaving now, but not to do anything interesting! I'm certainly not switching to my superhero identity, which of course, I do not have, as most people do not!"

These conspiracy nuts, however, are always disproved instantly. The fact that Captain Obvious has stated on many occasions that he is probably not Mr. Obvious (nudge nudge wink wink), or that it would simply be way too obvious, are commonly accepted as proof.

Captain Obvious is also not to be confused with Captain Oblivious. That's his twin brother.

Captain Obvious and Pop Culture

“You're a douche.”
~ Captain Obvious on Kanye West
Dumb sign

One of the many road signs made by Captain Obvious.

Mobviously

Captain Obvious strikes again, this time letting a cat know that it is a cat.

This-sign-has-sharp-edges

Another of Captain Obvious's signs from his Campaign

Captain Obvious has a sign

His obviousness sometimes causes him to lose focus.

This inability of Captain Obvious to stick with any particular group has also hurt his cultural standing. An entire thirty minutes were cut from the first X-Men film to eliminate his role, due to the sheer 'predictability' of the character. He appeared once on The O'Reilly Factor in a historic appearance that lasted all of ten seconds when he blurted out that "Wait a minute, this show isn't fair and balanced at all."

His comic book line sold out its first three issues, but sales quickly plummeted due to what readers complained was 'predictable writing.' These days he fills in minor roles, usually uttering phrases such as "That asteroid is heading straight toward us!" or "If we don't defuse this hydrogen bomb, the whole city will be destroyed!" His 900 page autobiography was also panned. In the book, titled 'This is a book about me, Captain Obvious', he admits what was already believed by many to be his greatest weakness.

“I think my constant exclusion may have something to do with how I always say the obvious.”
~ Captain Obvious on Page 22

His autobiography had the following chapters.

  1. The First Couple Pages.
  2. My Birth. How Two Opposite Gender Adults Make Me.
  3. My Body, and Its Many Features (Included specially detailed sections and diagrams on what his integral organs. do, such as: his heart, his arms, and his vagina.)
  4. Growing Up. The Tough Obstacles I Endured Like Learning to Walk and Eat.
  5. Yes, I've Actually Been Alive These Past Forty Years.
  6. Puberty, A Time of Change In My Life.
  7. That Time I Wrote an Autobiography, and the Kind of Stuff That Went Into It.
  8. Yes, I Am Probably Going to Die Someday...
  9. This is The Last Chapter.

He has also starred in the following movies:

  • Captain Obvious saves Labor Day
  • Captain Obvious and the Terrorist
  • Captain Obvious kills Kwanzaa
  • Captain Obvious and "The Talk"

Fortune Teller?

Captain Obvious has also tried predicting the future. Here are a few examples of his predictions.

“People all over the world will have to purchase a new calendar within the next twelve months.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“Within two to three years the price of stamps will increase by an amount.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“Someone will die today.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“Someone will be born today.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“You will eat food within the next thirty days.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“Tomorrow will be another day.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“The future is coming.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“Someone will breathe today.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“Within two... no, three..., no wait, ay years, there will be a year that is divisible by two.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“Indeed, current events may become past events, but always remember that there will, now and always, be future events in the future.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“In two years time, it will be two years in the future.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“I'm not a doctor, but if you don't have your heart put back in your chest, you may die soon.”
~ Captain Obvious on Lack of Medical Training, also the future
“At the sound of the tone, it will be the time it is supposed to be. As in not now, but the future”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“In one year it will be the present ”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“Next millennium, you'll be dead.”
~ Captain Obvious on the future
“You can't touch MC Hammer.”
~ Captain Obvious on MC Hammer
“Computers don't work after they break.”
~ Captain Obvious on Computers
“Justin Bieber sucks.”
~ Captain Obvious on Justin Bieber

Other famous statements

Capt. Obvious

"Nah, duh." Captain Obvious is always good at pointing out the obvious.

“Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!”
~ Captain Obvious on Morality
“No matter how today turns out, there's always tomorrow.”
~ Captain Obvious on cheering you up
“Simply because you can't see something doesn't mean you can't hear or smell it.”
~ Captain Obvious explaining the sense of sight
“Dead people are not alive, you funny hat Man.”
~ Captain Obvious on Teachings of the after life of the Catholic Church
“If something gets hard that means it won't be easy anymore.”
~ Captain Obvious on hardships
“If you hate someone that can most likely indicate that you don't like them.”
~ Captain Obvious on people you hate
“Someone has, at some time, had sex with someone else.”
~ Captain Obvious on coitus
“The best cure for hunger is food!”
~ Captain Obvious on malnutrition
“When you're thirsty nothing feels better then drinking liquid!”
~ Captain Obvious on Hydration
“It's rude to fart when someones eating.”
~ Captain Obvious on manners
“Oh Boy! I'm rollin Hard!”
~ Captain Obvious on Ecstasy
“Well, I say! These boots are made for walking.”
~ Captain Obvious on foot wear
“I already said that quote!”
~ Captain Obvious on above quote
“Turning a frown upside down makes a smiley face.”
~ Captain Obvious on facial expressions

Captain Obvious' UnNews Career

Recently due to Stan Lee's company being screwed over by Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton the Captain Obvious comic was canceled so Captain Obvious took up a career as News Anchor for the UnNews network:

See also

Citations

[1][2][3][4] [5][6] [7][8] [9][10] [11][12] [13][14] [15][16] [17][18] [19][20] [21][22] [23][24] [25][26] [27][28] [29][30][31][32] [33][34][35][36] [37][38] [39][40] [41][42][43] [44][45] [46][47] [48][49][50]

  1. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  2. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  3. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  4. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  5. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  6. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  7. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  8. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  9. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  10. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  11. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  12. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  13. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  14. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  15. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  16. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  17. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  18. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  19. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  20. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  21. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  22. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  23. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  24. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  25. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  26. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  27. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  28. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  29. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  30. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  31. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  32. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  33. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  34. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  35. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  36. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  37. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  38. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  39. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  40. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  41. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  42. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  43. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  44. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  45. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  46. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  47. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  48. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  49. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious
  50. "This article has 50 citations, and they're all the same." - Captain Obvious


Ninjastar Cream of the Crap
This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2006 (ish).


Captain mad
   v  d  e
People named "Captain"

America - Atheist - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 1 April 2006
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/01 April 2006Template:FA/2006</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects