Captain Oblivious
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Who?”
“This guy's memory is absolutely impeccable.”
“...Oooohhh a butterfly”
“I'm Captain Oblivious?!”
“I'm not Captain Oblivious.”
“Captain Oblivious tends to confuse things”
“Wall? What wall?”
... Captain Oblivious Is a superhero renowned for his failure to comprehend what is going on around him. He also has several other superpowers, including flight and a raygun, but he rarely uses them because he usually doesn't know they exist. He once had a sidekick, Mr Notice, but he quit when he got bored of doing everything himself because Captain Oblivious did not know that there was an enemy there. One of the Obious twins, the other being Captain Obvious, Captain Oblivious has gained himself fame, but he never realised and he probably never will.
“Here are the contents.”
“Where?”
Contents |
[edit] Don't Be Oblivious and Do the Obvious by Confusing Captain Oblivious with Captain Obvious
Captain Oblivious is not to be confused with Captain Obvious, who may or may not be his twin brother, as Captain Oblivious mentions in page 1 of his 2 page autobiography:
“Captain Obvious says we're related, and he seems to know a lot about our mutual childhood. Why, I don't know.”
Captain Obvious verified this in his own autobiography where in page 2 he writes:
“He doesn't know I am a Superhero. He probably doesn't know he is a Superhero himself.”
[edit] The Oblivious Offspring
“I have a son?”
“What I really miss about my childhood is going fishing with my father without a rod. Or a boat. Or my father.”
Captain Oblivious has one son he does not remember procreating. Naturally the identity of The Riddler mother escapes Captain Oblivious, as does the whereabouts of his beloved son. Captain Oblivious also remains oblivious of the fact that The Riddler had a career as an arch-enemy of Batman. Eventually The Riddler got fired because he wore too stupid a costume, and nowadays he is pestering his poor father by sending him riddles such as "Guess whose son am I".
It is also rumored that Captain Oblivious has another son, namely Conan O'Blivious.
[edit] Education and Work History
Captain Oblivious is a freelance superhero constantly moving between superhero groups. He usually winds up kicked out after no longer than six months due to his unique condition, which is best described in his own words:
“People get really annoyed at me for some reason. I... wait a second, is today Tuesday? Was I supposed to be saving Earth today? Where am I? What is this stuff?”
He first rose through the ranks of Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters to join the X-Men. He also possesses several superpowers, including flight, although he is often seen taking a taxi for an unknown reason. His special ability is to forget his own name.
“I forget my name? When?”
“All the time.”
“Hey, a dime.”
He was first brought into to the X-Men because otherwise he'd still be wandering around Xavier's mansion. Prof. X recommended they give him something to do.
He was later expelled from the X-Men due to his numerous bouts of obliviousness. The final straw came when Magneto crumpled the X-Men's headquarters with his mind after Captain Oblivious told him where it was.
“Was that a secret? I thought it was pretty well-known. I mean, otherwise he could have done that at any time, right?”
After he was kicked out of the X-Men, he went on to do some solo stuff, until he met his sidekick, Mr Notice. A year later, Mr. Notice quit because he got annoyed that Captain Oblivious was not doing any work.
“You said that at the top.”
“I had a sidekick?”
[edit] Arrest
January 18th, 2003, Captain Oblivious was arrested with over 50 kilograms of narcotics in his possession, and was charged with possesion with intent to sell. He pleaded not guilty under advice from counsel, but the verdict was quickly reached, by way of this exchange, provided by the stenographer:
- Judge Reinhold - Captain Oblivious, do you understand the charges against you?
- Captain Oblivious - No.
- JR - You are being charged with possession with intent to sell.
- CO - Possession of what?
- JR - Illegal narcotics.
- CO - What makes them illegal?
- JR - (amazed by stupidity) By definition. Now do you understand the charges?
- CO - What charges?
- JR - (pause, look of disbelief) Possession of illegal narcotics with intent to sell.
- CO - Not guilty, your honor.
- JR - By way of?
- CO - (confused pause)
- JR - Why are you pleading not guilty? The police found over 50 kilograms of narcotics.
- CO - Well, unless I've missed something in the facts, which I don't think I have, I never intended to sell it.
- JR - (angered) Are you fucking retarded?
- CO - Who?
- JR - YOU!!!
- CO - Huh?
[edit] Other Quotes on Record from Captain Oblivious
“<insert name here> is Gay?!”
“If you read the quotes on this page to your friends nonstop, they will laugh.”
“Is this quote in the right section?”
“Yes.”
“I know the bathroom was around here yesterday...”
“...Pwned?”
“Wow! Satellite!”
“This red button?”
“Aah! My Cable TV turned off!”
“I can't turn it back on!”
“I ran into a wall the other day”
“CAPS LOCK ISN'T ANNOYING!”
“Thanks! I always wanted my photograph taken! Oh, another one!...and another...and another...too many! Help! Mad photographers!!”
“I'm white?!”
“Wait! The President's half White? He looks black to me!”
“There's going to be a quote below this?”
“Wow, I swear I didn't see that coming”
“Seriously? Fish swim ALL THE TIME?”
“Huh? Since when is Captain Obvious mentioned more on Uncyclopedia than me?”
“Who's Chuck Norris? I could probably take 'em.”
“WIKIPEDIA ISN'T A PARODY SITE?!”
“Editing pages on Uncyclopedia is cool, isn't it?”
“What's all this about nine thousand?”
“Wait, WHAT! Im a captain?”
“ Huh..what?”
“I'm the 999999999th vistor?”
“I have won a prize?”
“Are they serious?”
“I only had 60 seconds to claim it?”
“What the hell is going on!”
“I can't be sure, but I think Amy Winehouse may be dabbling in drugs.”
“The Ku Klux Klan were racist!? I just thought that liked spooking each other with those bedsheets!”
“What is this fiendish wizardry?? Begone, hellish gremlin!!”
“I'm a big cat lover, they're so friendly and lovable. My cat knows a lot of tricks, I'm not sure where he learned them though.”
“He founded Berlinlandstan”
“Wait, what? I lost?”
“Yes.”
“When he was 15, we bought him an electric guitar, but he never played it, we don't even think he knew it was his, or even that it existed. ”
“I had parents?”
“No, they're not working today.”
“I returned it and told the store that its broken, the wire for the controller is missing. Then I got a different one, but there was only one wire for two controllers!”
“What was the deal with those monkeys in the beginning?”
“What am I wearing? Uh...wait what am I wearing? No, I'm not gonna put something in--wait, where's the butthole again?”
“No...should I be?”
“Wait,If WTF doesn't stand for Wednesday Thursday Friday, then WHAT THE FUCK Does it mean?!?!?!”
“Wow, Awesome game! Just one question, what's that halo shaped planet called?”
“I have a shadow?”
“Hey, Oscar Wilde, your wife looks sick.”
“That cake's as good as mine, they're going to give it to me, any second now...”
“AAAAAAAAAAAARGH...did I get it right?”
“Huh? Oh. AAAAAAAARGH!”
“Hitler's a German? I thought he was Russian!”
“Captain Obvious is my brother?”
“What's supposed to happen?”
“I think I wet myself”
“How much is this ring?”
“What about this one?”
“I like this ring”
“You are actually reading this crap”
“The above quote doesn't look like it's about Captain Oblivious.”
“Excuse me, sir! I noticed you left this briefcase in the White House!”
“What happened to the World Trade Center?”
“I'm awfully sorry, didn't see you there”
“Wow!!!!! It's Captain Oblivious!!!”
“Where?”
“Shits where?”
“...and then the sperm hit the egg and THEN you got pregnant? I still don't get it.”
“Wait a minute. If all I have to do is cut the correct wire, why can't I just cut all the wires?”
“That's why, you fucking idiot”
“Wait, what's why? Hey, where'd everything go?”
“It's a pool of acid. Oh well, it's got nothing to do with me. Hey look, a moth.”
“Logan, are you angry or something?”
“You see, I have this Big Gun and whenever I am about to shoot an invading alien the Gun just goes click-click. I mean do I need to load the Gun with something?”
“Huh? You mean that black square in the starting room was a doorway?”
“I went to the movies the other day but all they had there was some sort of a big screen with a kind of moving picture reflected on it, so I left. They didn't even have lights there for crying out loud!”
“HUH?.. Wait What?”
“Where did the Jews go?”
“Those people look like ants from up here”
“I thought he was black”
“An Eskimo? Whats an Eskimo?”
“He's a little slow at understanding things and most days seems quite oblivious about what's going on around him”
“The chicken did what???”
“Damnit! It's like they have a different word for everything!”
“Some French words are the same as English words”
“What's supposed to happen?”
“Doodle poodele Eeh hee I am here. You are There. My name is my name.”
“I think he might be Batman!”
“So, what's the Matrix?”
“What was that noise?”
“What was so special about that ring anyway, and whats with the midgets?”
“Why won't you answer me!?”
“What's a riddle?”
“Really? I can't believe it!”
“Where did the baby on the ledge go?”
“Einstein was smart?”
“I'm a noob? Hell no!”
“Wait, whats noob?”
“Why can't I see!?”
“Are all these people crazy!?”
“One cannot simply just simply walk into Mordor!?”
“This is a quote? What's a quote?”
“Life has a meaning?”
“Is this the meaning of life?”
“Is this the meaning of life?”
“Is this the meaning of life?”
“Why do I get the feeling that I am burning?”
“Should I be screaming?”
“So it's ok to pull on this G-String?”
“I thought Europe was a country! At least I know that America is a state!”
“OH GOD HOW DID THIS GET HERE I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTER”
“"To Serve Man" it was a cookbook!?!?”
“Oh my God, Michael Jackson died!?!?”
“So... it was a lie all along?!”
“Hey, Where did the driver go?!”
“I'm Oblivious?!”
“But it looks like butter?”
“I think this guy's a republican.”
[edit] The Conclusion - Even Captain Oblivious Has Got an Achilles Heel
“I've got no Achilles heel! If I did, I'd know about it!”
“Wait, what's an Achilles heel?”
It wasn't long before the group became fed up with Captain Oblivious' frequent trips to "outer space" in the midst of battle, as well as his maddening inability to comprehend the seriousness of the situation at a given moment.
“Wait, that's it?”
 | People named "Captain" |
|
America - Archer - Arrogant - Awesome - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - D - Denial - Exaggeration - Feathersword - Falcon - Fishcake - General - Hook - Jack - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Ultra - Understatement - Vague - Video |
“Wait, there are other people named captain?”
“Also, what is a captain?”
Other appearances Captain Oblivious worked as the main adviser to George Dubya Bush
