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“Sent from the future to destroy the past”
Captain Nimblestone is an early forty-first century British television comedy drama that consistently makes twenty-first century references for humorous effect (largely to audiances that currently live in the twenty-first century) and is characterised by its complete disregard for the fourth wall; oftentimes crawling out of the TV, long straggly black hair, warts and all, and hand delivering it’s punch-lines (sometimes literally).
Ignored by critics as the BBC aired it at 1:30am on a Thursday morning, it gained virtually no momentum and little cult interest. Needless to say it did not get commissioned for a second or third series (though a fourth was rumoured to be in development). In fact it was so unnoticed that it frequently got away with saying faintly controversial things without a single letter written in to Have Your Say.
edit Character Profiles
Captain Nimblestone: The protagonist. A low ranking bounty hunter (within the Bounty Hunter’s Guild, the main setting for the show). He has nearly no skill or panache and is not respected by his peers. He comes across as jovial but the façade is quite transparent due to his constantly referencing how much he hates himself.
He identifies as omnisexual (presumably children are exempt from this all inclusive sexual orientation but that is never specifically clarified), although the character is never seen to be having sex or indeed any kind of functioning adult relationship (fans like to think that the implication Nimblestone is asexual as well as omnisexual is a hillariouse context joke as apposed to the horrendous oversite a BBC3 official annouced it was). His costume is characterised chiefly by an old World War Two coat and a post war hair cut. Twenty-first century viewers often confuse him with Captain John Barrowman from another low rated BBC programme from the time.
Llewelyn: Welsh sidekick. Slightly more skilled, or at least luckier than Captain Nimblestone, Llewelyn is predictably, unfathomably and irrevocably in love with Nimblestone. The audience is encouraged to laugh at his misery and the fact Nimblestone always takes credit for Llewelyn’s good work.
Moira Bitch: Captain Nimblestone’s arch nemesis, her real name is Moira Brown but Llewelyn only ever refers to her as Moira Bitch, in a valiant, but ultimately futile, attempt to ware down her resolve to be the best bounty hunter in the galaxy.
General Mars: The boss and co-founder of the Bounty Hunter’s Guild. He recognises Captain Nimblestone as the buffoon he is but, as yet, has failed to dismiss him.
Mohammed Omad Hassan Tristan Ali: The bad guy. Mohammed hates the western portion of the Galaxy for their evil lactose tolerance and subsequent bumming – particularly the would-be promiscuity of Captain Nimblestone, and so has committed himself to random acts of terrorism to lure the Captain out and destroy him.
edit Episode Summaries
edit Episode 1: Captain Nimblestone and the Explosive Introduction!
The first episode opens with a freighter ship full of orphans and other disabled children being blown up in a big ball of blue and green fire.
After the credits the audience is introduced to Captain Nimblestone shaking hands with the governor of love while watching omnisexual pornography. He and Llewellyn (who had been "cross stitching" in another room) are called to the office of General Mars who tells him of the disaster and that they believe Mohammed Omad Hassan Tristan Ali is behind the attack and so he sends the captain and Llewellyn to Cardiff to collect the bounty on Mohammed.
When they arrive in Cardiff the Captain checks them into a motel and immediately starts squeezing his plumb trunk. While the captain is pumping out a coconut milkshake Llewellyn is trapped on a bus that cannot go slower than 50 miles per hour without causing a black hole to form and destroy the world.
Luckily, and without much reason, Mohammed Omad Hassan Tristan Ali’s brother is on the bus and Llewellyn threatens to bugger the man unless Mohammed deactivates the black hole device. Mohammed complies and saves Cardiff.
When Llewellyn returns to the motel Captain Nimblestone has finished stroking the dirty mermaid and they return to General Mars who congratulates Nimblestone for his good – if unconventional – work ethic.
edit Episode 2: Captain Nimblestone and the Second Episode is just as good as the first!
After the credits Captain Nimblestone is seen mugging the milkmaid while looking at omnisexual pornography. After a few minutes he and Llewellyn (who had been “knitting” in another room) are called to General Mars’ office and told about the atrocity. He believes that Mohammed Omad Hassan Tristan Ali is to blame and sends the pair to Newport (Whales) to “apprehend the perp” and “bring peace to the western galaxy once more!” Even though it’s only episode two and that’s just not likely.
When the pair arrive in Newport the Captain checks them into a cheap, family run B&B. Llewellyn leaves shortly after to investigate the spaceport and accidentally becomes a stowaway on a luxury space-cruise liner. Meanwhile the Captain is at the bed and breakfast looking up Mohammad Hassan Omad Tristan Ali on Wikipedia, trying to discover what makes him tick and anticipate his next move.
Llewellyn becomes aware that the ship he is hiding on has been hijacked by Mohammad’s men and is about to be sent into the centre of the sun and turned into a black hole, destroying the vast majority of solar system. Back in the bed and breakfast the Captain has given up his search on information and is now unlocking the power of his sonic screwdriver.
On the Hijacked cruise ship Llewellyn is kicking ass like Wonder Woman, and booting people in the face and stuff. After a confrontation with Mohammad’s lieutenant (Frank), he learns that Mohammad has "something major in the works". Llewellyn deactivates the bomb and saves Newport, "YAY!" the Newporteans cheer.
When he returns to the B&B the Captain is eating his way through a huge order of chinese food. Llewellyn misinterprets this as the Captain buying him dinner which the Captain grudgingly goes along with (the audience is encouraged to laugh at Llewellyn’s naiveté).
edit Episode 3: Captain Nimblestone and the Added Plot Development!
Episode three opens with Mohammad Omad Hassan Tristan Ali on his terrorist mother ship cackling maniacally at reruns of the first scene from episode one. “I shouldn’t laugh” he says “But it is funny. Are my Big Plans, set in motion, Frank?” He asks his Lieutenant who answers in the affirmative. “And the virus?” There is a cliff hanger while the credits roll.
After the credits Captain Nimblestone is in his room rattling the snake of independent love when the virus alert alarm sounds ("VIRUS ALERT VIRUS ALERT" ect...). He and Llewellyn (who had been "sewing" in another room) head to General Mars’ office to get more information and advance the plot. When they arrive General Mars is throwing up. Between hurls he advances the plot by explaining that “Mohammad thingy whatsit Ali” has unleashed a weaponised tummy upset into the Bounty Hunter’s Guild and that the building has been quarantined for the next few days.
During the quarantine The Captain and Llewellyn are in the canteen hunched over bowls of sick, both moaning and both making vague pleas for death. Moira Bitch comes in and sits next to them, she is apparently healthy. She makes poilite conversation for a while until Nimblestone shambles off to have a “number three”. Llewellyn turns nasty, claiming that “You’ll never be as good as him.” Before hurling another gut full of bile into the bucket. Moira Bitch sighs implying that she doesn’t care, advancing the Llewellyn/Moira sub-plot.
The quarantine is lifted and Nimblestone and Llewellyn are called to General Mars’ office. He explains to them that there has been chatter about Mohammad Omad Hassan Tristan Ali and his Big Plan, Apparently it has been set in motion and the virus was to distract the only man capable of stopping him (Captain Nimblestone).
edit Episode 4: Captain Nimblestone and the Humiliating Misunderstanding!
Unfortunately this episode was only aired once before the BBC lost the tape (or holodisc or whatever they use in the forty-first century). The only details that are known about it is that it involved Captain Nimblestone giving General Mars’ wife/daughter a dildo for her birthday.
edit Episode 5: Captain Nimblestone and the Terrorist Mother-Ship!
Episode five opens with the shocking revelation that Moira Bitch has been sleeping with Mohammad Omad Hassan Tristan Ali as she turns over in bed to look at him with adoration.
After the credits Captain Nimblestone is in his room tugging on the Prozac pole and is called to General Mars office. He meets Llewellyn (who had been “patching a pair of the captain’s jeans” in another room). The Captain goes red when he steps into General Mars’ office, obviously still embarrassed by the Humiliating Misunderstanding (see above). He tells them that Mohammad Omad Hassan Tristan Ali has been tracked to a luxury hotel in Martian Cardiff, and that they have to hurry and such, or Mars will end.
The pair check into a much less luxurious hotel on the other side of Martian Cardiff on a Friday night. They must make their way across town and sneak into the Luxury Hotel and apprehend Mohammad. After a harrowing journey they reach the luxury hotel and climb up the outside of the building to find Moira Bitch and Mohammad shagging like Frogs on the forty-second floor. The pair burst though the window and Knock Mohammad out and Llewellyn stabs Moira Bitch. After some screaming Moira explains that she was spying on Mohammad and it is revealed that she is the good guy after all. Meanwhile Mohammad escapes; yelling “First Mars then The World!”.
The episode ends with Mohammad’s Terrorist Mother Ship levelling Martian Cardiff. It all looks rather dire.
edit Episode 6: Captain Nimblestone and the Explosive Death at the End!
The last episode takes off from where episode five ended. Llewellyn is tending to Moira Bitch’s wound stressing that this does not mean he likes her. She is ok with this and says “I’m not interested you know? He’s all yours.” To which Llewellyn says “Fuck off and die, whore.”. Captain Nimblestone leaves the toilet and steps into the room looking happier. The hotel is shaken by a blast from the Terrorist Mother ship and Moira Bitch dies.
The Captain and Llewellyn both claim to feel bad about her death but are soon distracted by the imminent threat of their own demise. Nimblestone calls for a transport shuttle on his wrist watch which arrives within seconds. Llewellyn questions why they’ve never used this before but does not receive a clear answer because they have landed on the terrorist mother ship.
The next twenty minutes or so shows the pair slaughter their way through the terrorist mother ship, yelling one liners at each other, asking General Mars very nicely for backup and stopping to have a quick tug on the master stick.
When they reach the bridge Llewellyn has another well choreographed fight with Frank while Mohammad and Nimblestone sort of punch each other and stumble about. During a moment of high tension, just when it looks like the heroes are going to be fed to a pool of alligators Llewellyn confesses his love for Nimblestone. Nimblestone uses this distraction to kill Frank and Mohammad. The Captain reluctantly decides to give it a go with Llewellyn who slips and falls into the alligator pool and dies in needless agony.
The series ends with Captain Nimblestone receiving an award in front of the ruins of Martian Cardiff Castle.
edit Minor Plot Discrepancies
- While the show was allegedly set in the real world, with a vague notion of being a social commentary as well as a satire it would often reference things that no longer exist such as privacy and electricity.
- in episode three the Captain’s hair cut would change out of sequence starting off short and getting longer.
- in episode one Nimblestone mentions he has a daughter but in episode three he states that his only child is male. While fans of the show think this is another hilarious joke about Nimblestone’s forgetfulness/lack of concern, the writer confessed to simply being lazy.