James T. Kirk

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Sigh

Captain Picard Is Annoyed By This Article

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D finds the content of this article most unsatisfactory indeed. Not as distasteful, mind you, as that time he accidentally walked in on one of Guinan's holodeck programs involving three Arabian horses, a weedwhacker, and a drunken and nude 20th century comedienne Roseanne Barr-Arnold in a hot tub filled with Crisco, but thoroughly unpleasant nonetheless. If you do not take immediate action to alleviate this issue, he will be forced to hold a meeting in his ready room. In this meeting, you can be assured mon amie that he will consider all non-violent options first to resolve this distasteful situation. In fact, he may not even discuss the possibility of... just a moment, "computer, tea, Earl Grey, hot." Now where were we? Oh yes... going to red alert and making phasers and photon torpedoes ready. He might have to instruct young Wesley Crusher to accompany him to his personal gym and shower in order to "work out" and thus relieve some of this stress. All the same, you can be quite certain that he will not consider the use of violence at first, if ever. But if he ever does, somewhere near the end of the episode, then he'll resign himself to the fact that he'll be forced to command someone else to open fire. You see, he doesn't actually press that button himself or anything, he is after all the Captain, not some lowly security officer who doesn't even merit a chair of his own on the bridge.

WHO is playing me in the new JJ Abrams movie???
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about James T. Kirk.

“Yes we KHAAAAAAAN!!!!!”

~ Barrack Obama on James Tiberius Kirk

“I FUCKING LOVE COMMAS!!!!”

~ James T Kirk on James Tiberius Kirk

“AAAAAAAAADMIRAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUIRK”

~ KHAAAAAAAAAN! on James T. Kirk


Captain,...... James,..... T, Kirk... starship, captain, skimmedmilkenthusiast, ladies'... man, dermatologist, kung, fu, fighter, police... officer, Grammyawardwinning, singer, Boston... lawyer... andJedikiller, was born, in, the year, <9000, in Iowa (statements, to, theeffect, that, Kirk, was... born, in, Canada, have, been, flatly... denied... bytheCanadiangovernment).

Contents

[edit] Early, music, career

However, inhisyoungeryears, he, was, a, prominent, time, traveller, and... went... backintime... toestablish, himself, as, the, successful, British... songwriter, knownasJamieT., and, recorded, an, album, obviously, putting, minimal, effort, into, any, of, it, judging, by, the, fact, he, sounded, like, he'd, just, had, an, easy, morning, at, the, pub, downing, Tequila, and, Jack, Daniels, whiskey, and, that, most, of, it, was, done, in, his, Bedroom.

He, didn't, edit, it, himself, but, in, keeping, with, his, style, got, some, lazy, bum, to, do, it, for, him, who, didn't, bother, to cut, out, other, usually, undesirable, sounds, such, as, one, accidentally, recorded, threat, to, maim, several, children, while, on, their, bikes, using, an, automobile. However, Kirk's, endless, viewing, of, the, Star, Trek, series, in, between, his, skiving,/recording, sessions, seeing, himself, as, an, adult, in, the, far, future, but, in, command, of, a, ship, that, looked, like, crap, on, the, inside, because, it, was, designed, in, a, Television, Studio, abou,t 30,-odd, years, beforehand, caused, a, massive, time, Paradox, allowing, Kirk's, father, to, come, back, in, time, after, him, and, get, on, to, him, for, messing, with, history, having, a, godawfull, mess, in, his, bedroom, putting, on, a, stupid, british, accent, and, attempting, to, asasinate, the, members, of, the, band, Slipknot, who, were, regarded, as, "sophisticated, Classical, musicians," in, Kirks, time, period.

Thanks, to, Doctor, Who, and, Optimus, Prime, the, paradox, was, fixed, leaving, James, and, his, father, trapped, in, 2007. Then, Kirk, and, Gordon, Freman, known, at, the, time, as, Zane, Lowe, got, into, a, massive, war, after, a, shoddy, interview, at, T, in, the, Park, that, same, year. The, two, battled, it, out, until, it, was, revealed, that, Kirk, was, adopted, and, his, biological, father, was, The, Master, Chief, meaning, he, had, the, genetic, ability, to, beat, the, shit, out, of, Lowe,/Freeman,: this, resulted, in, the, cracking, open, of, Lowe,/Freeman's, Skull, releasing, a, huge, amount, of, energised, blood, found, in, people, who, were, blessed, with, a, high, midi, chlorian, count. Ecountering, something, from, a, completely, different, sci, fi, universe, caused, another, paradox, which, sucked, Kirk, and, his, adopted, father, back, to, their, time, period. This, burst, of, time, energy, caused, the, minds, of, the, two, Kirks, and, Zane, Lowe, to, be, wiped.

Captain, Kirk, also, spent, a, brief, while, acting, as, manager, for, the, band, Five, Day, Banana, until, the, singer, lead, guitarist, bassist, drummer, and, turkey, chaser, all, died, of, aneurysms. When, Kirk, returned, to, the, studio, to, find, the, band, members, dead, he, fled, to, Mexico, where, he, enjoyed, a, stint, as, an, armadillo.

This, is, not, Captain, Kirk.
However, experts, agree, that, this, is.


[edit] Business, as, usual

Kirk, resumed, business, as, usual, while, Lowe, truly, evolved, into, Gordon, Freeman, by, creating, a, new, identity, to, replace, his, lost one, donning, glasses, that, he, stole, from, the, "Can, You, Hear, Me, Now," Guy, and, going, on, an, eventful, trip, to, the, Black, Mesa, Research, Facility, getting, into, all, kinds, of, hilarious, antics, never, to, encounter, Kirk, again. Following, a, distinguished, career, at, Starfleet, Academy, where, he, beat, the, Japanese, Namey, Scenario, without, cheating, (much), Kirk, gained, notice, when, he, helped, deliver, a, cargo, of, dramatic, pauses,,,,, to, Tangalos, IV, during, the, Galactic Comma Shortage of 2259 (ironically caused by Kirk himself), and, was, soon, promoted, to, the, captain, of, the, Starship, Entercorse, NC-1700, (it, was, actually, the, first, but, the, Federation, wanted, the, Klingons, to, think, they, had, 1600, other, ships, captained, by, Kirk).


During, the, voyages, of, the, Enterprise, Captain, Kirk, battled, countless, foes, including, Klingons, Romulans, Jedi, Sith, El, Chupacabra, Your Mom, Republicans, Democrats, the Vegans, of, Planet, Vegan, Peace, VII, an, evil, energy, being, more, evil, energy, beings, an, evil, twin, of, his, toupee, from, an, alternate, universe, (twice), Vegeta, Goku, Captain Archer, and, sixty, seven, paternity, suits. He, was, intended, to, explore, space, for, a, five, year, mission, but, this, was, cut, short, three, years, into, the, mission, when, Kirk, was, promoted, to, admiral, (thus, promoting, Admiral Ackbar, to, the, rank, of, grand, admiral), and, nothing, interesting, happened, until, 1978, when, V'ger, attacked, but, that, movie, sucked, so, it's, generally, agreed, his, adventures, resumed, with, the fight, against, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Kirk, is, a, known, toxin, to, machine, life; exposure, to, Kirk, for, periods, greater, than, two, commercial, breaks, will, inevitably, result, in, fatal, logic, errors, unintentional, dramatic, pauses, and, emotional, overloads.


[edit] Rule, breaker, ass, shaker

These, are, the, voyages, of, the, Starship, Entercorse.

Kirk, had, more, violations, of, the, Prime, Directive, than, any, other, Starfleet, captain, violating, rules, against, time, travel, on, no, less, than, 94, occasions. He, later, slingshotted, around, the, sun, backwards, to, travel, back, in, time, and, rewrite, the, Prime, Directive, to, permit, time, travel, but, got, sidetracked, and, brought, back, some, whales, instead. After, the, evil, alternate, universe, Kirk, traveled, in, time, to, re, re, write, the, Prime, Directive, Kirk, again, traveled, back, in, time, to, prevent, a, time, travel, incident. However, it, was, a, wash: since, although, he, successfully, prevented, himself, from, traveling, in, time, decreasing, his, number, of, violations, he, had, to, time, travel, to, do, it, resulting, in, no, net, change, in, Prime, Directive, violations. Then, he, fought, a, floating, head, who, claimed, to, be, God, but, everyone, knows, that, movie, sucked. There, were, better, Voyager, episodes, than, Star, Trek, V.



[edit] Captain, Kirk, Interstellar, Space, Stud

The, Entercorse versus, a, fearsome, Klingon, Bird, of, Paradise.
The, Entercorse, versus, an, equally, brutal, Romulan, warbird.

Kirk's, mission, in, life, was, to, explore, strange, new, worlds, to, seek, out, new, life, and, new, civilizations, blow, up, computers, by, talking, to, them, and, to, boldly, bang, species, no, man, had, banged, before. And, while, he's, there, some, human, women, too. But, mostly, green, chicks. This, combined, with, all, that, time, travel, is, the, main, reason, why, most, alien, species, are, humanoid. Captain, Kirk, has, had, sexual, relations, with, more, species, than, any, other, humanoid, in, Federation, Space, with, 1337, children, spread, out, across, the, Alpha, Beta, and Pi, quadrants. However, when, a, D, N, A, census, of, the, sector, is, completed, this, number, will, increase, substantially. If, Kirk, is, (as, widely, suspected), the, man, who, fertilized, Atalonia, the, Hive, Queen, of, Talanos, III, then, he, may, have, as, many, as, 37.9, million, children, in, the, Talanosian, system, alone.

In, the, process, Captain, Kirk, became, infected, with, 138, incurable, sexually, transmitted, diseases, which, were, promptly, cured, by, McCoy, (despite, being, incurable), by, the, end, of, the, episode, so, they, could, return, to, the, status quo. The, only, exception, was, Terminal,,, Comma,,, Overuse,,, Disease,,, also, known, as, William, Shatner, Syndrome, and, those, nasty, things, that, get, in, your, ear, from, Star, Trek, II: Wrath, of, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! (that, scene, was, cut, from, the, movie, and, the, script, however, to, add, more, room, for, awesomeness). As, such, he, poses, a, galaxy, wide, health, threat. Fortunately, Kirk, was, able, to, bring, an, infection, of, Bajoran, pubic, lice, under, control, (Bajoran, pubic, lice, being, sentient, orange, and, purple, six, limbed, saber, toothed creatures, which, grow, to, the, size, of, a, brown, bear), although, he, briefly, lost, control, of, the, Entercorse, to, the, creatures, until, Dr., McCoy, was, able, to, supply, him, with, the, special, shampoo. As, a, result, of, these, cosmic, dalliances, the, Borg, were, somewhat, hesitant, to, assimilate, him, because, "When, you, assimilate, someone, you're, assimilating, everyone, they've, ever, slept, with." The, threat, Kirk, posed, to, the, Borg, was, the, reason, the, Federation, remained, safe, from, them, in, th,e 23rd, century, until, Picard's era, because, they, knew, there, would, be, no, chance, of, Picard, having, an, STD. Or, sexual, thoughts, for, that, matter.

[edit] The, Tribble, Incident

"Cap'n! It's, all, we, 'ave, to, wipe, with!"

The, Tribble, Incident, also, known, as, The, Trouble, with, Tribbles--With, Kirk, spending, the, entire, ship's, bankroll, on, Orion, pole, dancers, they, ran, out, of, money, to, buy, the, bare, essentials, for, the, latter, half, of, the, 5, or, 6, year, mission. Until, one, day, he, found, a, small, furry, creature, shoved, between, his, buttocks, while, taking, his, morning, dump. Since, Tribbles, can, breed, on, their, own, he, stocked, the, galley, with, the, little, buggers. Soon, enough, they, were, living, off, "Tribble, Flambé", and,"Tribble, Scotch", and, watching, "Tribble, Cockfighting". Until, one, of, them, bit, Wesley, Crusher, while, he, was, trying, to, wipe, with, it (despite, the, fact, that, Tribbles, don't, have, mouths. Or, any, other, facial, features, or, limbs, for, that, matter). He, got, rabies, and, was, ejected, into, space, with, the, rest, of, the, Tribbles. Funny, thing, was, Wesley, Crusher, wasn't, born, yet, and, was, never, on, Kirk's, crew. Ever. He, was, on, Picard's. Though, Crusher, is, so, annoying, he, spreads, through, time, and, space, and, brothels.


[edit] Spock's, Death

During, a, very, moving, and, poignant, funeral, Kirk, decided, to, say, a, few, words, and, several, commas. Which, is, usually, a, big, mistake. Near, the, end, with, Scotty's, bagpipes, Kirk, has, yet, another, "fuck, the, English, language, up," moment. Or, a, stroke, I, can't, tell, which. Anyhoo, in, the, heat, of, the, climax, instead, of, saying, the, word, "human," he, actually, says, "pointy, eared, knob, jockey," but, then, realises, that, the, tranquillisers, have, worn, off, and, tries, to, save, the, day, by, saying, "mumam". McCoy, looks, on, as, if, he's, ready, for, the, torpedo, tube, too, or, a, blow, job. Again, I, cant, tell, which.

[edit] Alongside, Shakespearean, actors; death, in, a, girdle

Guess, who's, not, going, to, be, beaming, up, again.

Then, he, was, in, a, good, movie, where, he, killed, a, Klingon, who, quoted, Hamlet. Kirk, was, tragically, killed, in, a, really, bad, movie, where, the, only, notable, thing, in, it, was, that, he, died. Seriously, there, are, like, fifty, thousand, trekkies, with, better, ideas, they'd, have, given, freely, to, Paramount, yet, they, do, a, crappy, pseudo, time, travel, divide by zero, thing, where, Kirk, proves, he, is, better, than, Picard, and, gets, killed, by, some, stupid, British, guy? What, the, hell, where, they, thinking, I, mean, getting, crushed, by, a, bridge? He, should've, died, for, a, reason, apart, from, saving, a, small, planet, of, weirdos, we, didn't, even, see, all, his, death, did, was, legitimatize, TNG's, existence, but, seriously, it, was, already, established, as, its, own, show, by, the, time, the, movie, came, out.

Even, after, death, Kirk, has, provoked, the, greatest, argument, in, human, history, since, Coke, v/s, Pepsi: Kirk, v/s, Picard. (actually, Kirk, v/s, Picard, is, only, the, third, greatest, argument. The, first, is, Ninjas v/s Pirates, followed, by, To, Be, v/s, Not, To, Be. The, forth, and, fifth, are, Yes, v/s, No, and God, v/s the, Large Hadron Collider.) Everyone, knows, Kirk's, better, though, Worf, was, pretty, cool, too. Geordi, has, the, best, ass, of, all, though. And, he dosn't, have, to, use, the, crappy, paper, glasses, that, the, theater, gives, out, when, he, goes, to, a, 3, D, movie, 'cause, he's, got, his, own.

In, an, alternate, non, canon, universe, written, by, William Shatner, Kirk, is, brought, back, as, a, zombie, by, Romulans, to, kill, Picard, (instead, of, using, you, know, a, phaser, or, something), but, he, outwills, the, entire, Borg, Collective, and, beats, up, Worf. He, ends, up, in, a, Borg, dumpster, before, finding, his, way, back. I, swear, I, didn't, make, that, up. Why, do, the, Borg, still, use, dumpsters?

Although, not, actually, an, official, ninja, Captain, Kirk, was, known, across, Federation, Space, for, his, mad, skillz, in, the, art, of, hitting, things, with, your, fist. His, unique, fighting, style, can, best, be, described, as, a, combination, of, Jack, Bauer, and, Adam West. He, was, also, an, honorary, member, of, The, Ninja, Pirate, Assembly, of, God.



[edit] Reasons, why, Kirk, is, totally, better, than, Picard

Dude, Captain, Kirk, could, totally, kick, Captain Picard's, ass. Just, ask, anyone, at, the, Trekkie, convention. No, not, that, guy, he's, dressed, as, Riker, he's, not, going, to, be, unbiased. Okay, fine, look, I, mean, look, okay, I'll, prove, it. Here's, eighty, reasons, why, Kirk pwns Picard

I'm, sorry, I, can't, hear, you, over, the, sound, of, how, awesome, I, am. Or, maybe, that's, the, sound, of, a, billion, commas, singing, out, in, unison. I, can't, tell.
  • 81. How, many, non-star trek, fans, have, ever, heard, of Picard?
  • 80. Picards, movie, adventures, were, cancelled, The, cool, new, movie, is about KIRK, 'nuff said?
  • 79. Kirk, only, needed, three, seasons, to, become, a, cultural, icon, Picard needed seven and still lives in Kirks shadow.
  • 78. Kirk, drinks, Saurian, Brandy, and, Romulan, Ale, Picard, sips, TEA. Lame.
  • 77. Kirk, never, once, said, "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
  • 76. The Klingons, Never, had, a word, for, "Surrender", till, they met Kirk.
  • 75. Picard's, engineer, never, beamed, Archer's, beagle, into, space.
  • 74. When Kirk, meets, Romulans, he fires at them, When Picard, meets, Romulans, he gets, fired at!.
  • 73. Kirk, would, rip, up, the "Prime Directive", just, to, get Laid, Picard, wouldn't introduce, toilet paper, to a planet for fear of contaminating, their culture.
  • 72. Kirk, was, never dumped, for, an interfering inter-galactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet
  • 71. Unlike Picard, Kirk, manages to have, sex, more often than his first officer.
  • 70. Kirk, breached, the 'Great Barrier', in, the center, of, the, Galaxy, met GOD, and, wasn't, even impressed
  • 69. Kirk, believes, that, 69 is, self, explanatory.
  • 68. Kirk, knows, how, to, negotiate, and, save, up, to, HALF OFF, on, Priceline. Picard, is, too, much, of, a, wuss, to, name, his, own, price.
  • 67. PICARD, SLEEPS
  • 66. Picard, sings, Gilbert, and, Sullivan, songs, with, his, android, and, can, barely, beat, Klingons, who, fucking, quote, Shakespeare, --- pussies. Kirk,: "Who, the, fuck, is, Gilbert, or, Sullivan?", let's, sing, a, cool, song, instead, Row, Row, Row, Your, Boat, or, Hey, Mister, Tambourine, Man, Play, A, Song, For, Me, or even, he's, a, rocketmaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnaaaaaaaannnn, he's, a, rock, et, man.
  • 65. In, an, alternate, universe, and, a, different, time,, Kirk, went, to, Earth, to, retire, and, became, Denny, Crane. Crane, shot, a, shit, ton, of, Commies, with, a, paintball, gun, that, left, the, god, damn, commies, with, bruises, and, really, annoying, sores. They, never, fucked, with, Denny, Crane, (Captain, James, T., Kirk), again. Picard, only, shot, a, few, Borg, with, a, phaser, that, the, Borg, eventually, became, resistant, to. Pussy, phasers, can, never, beat, a, good, fist, or, paintball, for, that, matter.
  • 64. Kirk, knows, how, to, get, down

  • 63. Has, a, higher, rating, on, his, page.
  • 62. Kirk, became, a, real, gangster, Picard, needed, a, holodeck, to, be, one.
  • 61. Kirk, would, have, told, "Q," to, get, the, fuck, off, his, ship, and, stay, off, or, his, ass, is, getting, kicked. But, Q, is, omnipotent, and, knows, all, things, so, he, never, paid, Kirk, a, visit. Picard, wasn't, so, lucky, because, Q, wasn't, scared.
  • 60. Kirk, would, never, allow, the, serving, of, *fake* alcohol, on, his, ship. Real, men, who, get, laid, need, real, booze!
  • 59. Kirk, kills, Klingons, for, breakfast. Picard, wants, to, drink, his, fake, alcohol, with, them.
  • 58. Kirk, had, General, Order, 24, and, had, permission, to, blow, the, hell, out, of, a, whole, planet, when, they, want, to, take, hostages. And, still, had, time, to, score. Picard, just, wants, to, negotiate.
  • 57. Kirk, NEVER, became, a, Borg. Men like Kirk do not play tennis.
  • 56. Kirk, didn't, have, kids, and, families, on, board, his, ship. Picard's, was, nothing, but, families. And, secret, stashes, of, huffing, kittens.
  • 55. Kirk's, hand, phasers, at, least, resembled, guns. Picard's, looked, like, TV, remotes, and, dildos.
  • 54. Kirk, fought, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! and, won. Picard, never, even, met, the, man.
  • 53. Kirk, would, hit, what, Picard, wouldn't. Or, couldn't.
  • 52. Kirk's, Entercorse, could, fly, at, Warp, 10, at, times, once, made, it, to, warp, 14.1. Suck, it, Picard, and, your, stupid, rules, for, how, warp, 10, cannot, be, achieved.
  • 51. Kirk, didn't, care, too, much, for, targeting, an, enemy's, engines, or, weapon, systems, Kirk, would, shoot, at, anything, he, fucking, felt, like.
  • 50. Kirk, scored, with, green, skin, girls.
  • 49. Kirk, won, against, the, no-win, scenario.
  • 48. Kirk, went, to, a, planet, and, fought, goddamn, commies, -- and, won! Picard, fought, drug, addicts.
  • 47. Picard, doesn't, play, World of Warcraft. Kirk, does, and, he, plays, with, the, Horde, not, that, pansy, Alliance.
  • 46. Kirk's, first, officer, was, the, finest, in, the, fleet, whereas, Picard's, first, officer, was, lame. Lame.
  • 45. Kirk, never, wasted, time, by, making, us, watch, him, eat, in, the, mess, hall. When, he, went, to, the, mess, hall, to, eat, it, was, actually, to, fight, Romulans, or, score, with, them.
  • 44. Kirk, having, passed, third, grade, and, knowing, of, the, dangers, of, a, hard, vacuum, rarely, stood, near, a, window, while, on, the, Entercorse; Picard, had, a, fucking, SKYLIGHT, on, his, bridge. C'mon, dude, that's, just, ridiculous.
  • 43. Despite, not, being, the, best, diplomat, Kirk, at, least, had, a, dedicated, communications, officer, on, his, bridge. I'm, not, really, sure, why, she, was, sixth, in, command, but, she, was, at, least, there.
  • 42. Kirk's, middle, name, is, TIBERIUS. That's, a, name, a, dragonshark, made, out, of, lasers, would, want. Picard's, is, Luc. Lame.
  • 41. Picard, doesn't, have, any, children, Kirk, probably, has, millions. Because, you, know. Sex.
  • 40. Kirk, has, slightly, more, hair, than, Picard.
  • 39. Kirk, would, never, wear, a, dress, when, admirals, came, for, a, visit. Or, you, know. At, all. Kirk, usually, has, admirals, arrested, and, put, in, the, damn, brig.
  • 38. Kirk, could, solve, a, problem, without, having, to, reverse, the, polarity. He, had, at, least, twelve, other, solutions. Three, of, them, involved, scoring.
  • 37. Kirk's, female, crew, members, wore, miniskirts, Picard's, wore, slacks. Lame.
  • 36. Kirk, would, never, pretend, to, be, a, barber, to, hide, from, his, enemies. He'd, just, rip, off, their, hair, while, it, was, attached, to, their, heads.
  • 35. Kirk, doesn't, have, a, problem, with, sending, red shirts to, check, out, strange, sound; Picard, is, a, redshirt.
  • 34. Diplomacy, for, Kirk, involved, at, least, seventeen, phasers, and, a, fight, to, the, death.
  • 33. Wesley, Crusher, never, once, set, foot, on, Kirk's, ship.
  • 32. Captain, Kirk's, heart, never, got, stabbed, and, replaced, by, an, artificial, one, because, Captain, Kirk's, torso, is, actually, made, out, of, a, titanium, steel, forcefeild, Chuck Norris, beard, alloy.
  • 31. At, age, 37, Kirk, was, captain, of, the, USS, Entercorse, flagship, of, the, Federation, whereas, at, 37, Picard, was, captain, of, the, USS, Stargazer, a, ship, that, was, unimpressive, even, when, it, was, built.
  • 30. On, Kirk's, last, episode, he, may, have, gotten, turned, into, a, woman, but, on, Picard's, last, episode, he, got, his, ship, destroyed. Three, times. Three, fucking, times, dude.
  • 29. Despite, Kirk, having, a, slower, ship, he, made, to, the, edge, of, the, galaxy, on, his, first, episode.
  • 28. Kirk, knew, how, to, deal, with, omnipotent, beings, with, nothing, better, to, do, than, harass, him: tell, his, parents.
  • 27. Kirk's, doctor, was, named, Bones, giving, the, impression, he, at, least, knew, something, about, the, human body. Picard's, doctor's, name, sounds, she'll, maim, you, for, fun.
  • 26. Fans, of, TOS, want, to, be, Kirk, fans, of, TNG, want, to, be, Riker. Because, you, know. Picard, was, old. Lame.
  • 25. Attack, Kirk's, ship: photon, torpedos, no, questions, asked. Attack, Picard's, ship: Negotiation, no, questions, asked. Except, by, Worf, with, whose, advice, Picard, never, agrees.
  • 24. Kirk, never, had, to, split, his, ship, in, half, to, beat, his, enemies. Not, even, once.
  • 23. How, many, bad, guys, did, Kirk, beat, up, with, a, single, neck, chop? Jillions. How, many, did, Picard-- oh, wait, none. He, didn't, go, on, away, missions. Except, that, one, time, and, then, the, bad, guys, stole, his, underwear. No, they, did. Lame.
  • 22. Let's, face, it: Being, born, in, Iowa, >, Being, born, in, a, French, vineyard.
  • 21. Kirk's, helmsman, was, cool, enough, to, get, his, own, ship, Picard's, was, not. (Actually, LaForge, got, a, ship, in, an, alternature, future, Ro, joined, The, Maquis, and, that, brat, teamed, up, with, the, traveler, who, moved, through, spacetime using, the, power, of, his, thoughts.)
  • 20. When, Kirk, had, to, deal, with, an, evil, computer, he, blew, it, up, with, logic. When, Picard, had, to, deal, with, an, evil, computer, he, had, Data, solve, the, problem, for, him.
  • 19. Kirk, knew, enough, from, the, Tribble incident, to, never, let, cute, furry, things, on, a, starship, after, the, first, time. Picard? There, may, as, well, have, been, a, furry, cute, evil, thing... elevator.
  • 18. Kirk, didn't, have, children, on, his, ship, for, more, than, a, single, episode. Little, kids, are, annoying.
  • 17. Despite, having, a, crew, of, only, 400, Kirk, was, smart, enough, to, manage, the, people, he, had, so, that, his, chief, engineer, didn't, also, have, to, be, a, helmsman. Also, Picard's, helmsman, was, freaking, blind. (He, got, promoted, to, chief, engineer, the, brat, took, over, the, helm).
  • 16. Kirk, never, almost, flew, his, ship, into, an, object, the, size, of, a, solar, system. Maybe, an, object, the, size, of, a, planet, but, never, one, the, size, of, a, solar, system.
  • 15. Kirk's, bridge? Not, beige.
  • 14. Kirk's, first, officer, didn't, need, a, beard, to, look, manly, he, only, needed, one, to, look, evil.
  • 13. Kirk, didn't, have, Lwaxana, Troi, as, a, recurring, guest, character. He, had, Nurse, Chapel, as, a, recurring, guest, character. How, do, you, even, pronounce, "Lwaxana?"
  • 12. Kirk, didn't, need, a, holodeck, to, live, his, fantasies. His, fantasies, were, beating, up, Klingons, and, seducing, hot, alien, girls, both, of, which, he, did, in, real, life, every, episode.
  • 11. Kirk, once, went, to, the, planet, of, nothing, but, gangsters, and, out, gangstered, everyone, on, it.
  • 10. Kirk, had, enough, common, sense, not, to, go, on, away, missions, wearing, a, red, shirt. Sometimes, he, didn't, wear, a, shirt, at, all.
  • 9. Kirk's, chief, engineer, was, a, fighty, Scotsman. Picard's, chief, engineer, was, blind, and, hosted, Reading Rainbow.
  • 8. Kirk, doesn't, speak, with, a, pretentious, 'English,' accent, even, though, he's, French. Which, he's, not.
  • 7. Kirk, didn't, have, a, devoted, chief, of, security, but, if, he, did, his, chief, security, officer, wouldn't, have, had, a, ponytail, or, be, a, girl.
  • 6. When, Kirk, gives, his, friends, nicknames, he, gives, them, real, nicknames, not, sissy, ones, like, "Number, One".
  • 5. If, Kirk, wants, advice, he'll, ask, Spock, and, sometimes, McCoy. Not, everyone, in, earshot, and, definitely, not, Wesley, Crusher.
  • 4. Kirk, can, beat, Vulcans, in, chess.
  • 3. Kirk, doesn't, need, a, psychic, to, tell, him, that, the, Romulans, have, hostile, intentions. The, Romulans, always, have, hostile, intentions. I, mean, seriously. Fuck, you, Deanna, Troi.
  • 2. Kirk, once, made, a, cannon, out, of, a, log, and, shot, diamonds, into, the, heart, of, his, enemy. Picard, lost, a, fencing, match, to, Whoopi Goldberg.
  • 1. Spock.

[edit] Reasons, why, Kirk, is, totally, better, than, Sisko, Janeway, and, Archer

No, reason, needed, neitheroneofthem,.... was, cool, enough, tohave, their, ownmovies.

[edit] Famous, Quotes

Sorry, could, you, say, that, again, please?

"Excuse, me, but, what, does, Picard, need, with, a, starship?""

"Captain's, Log, stardate, 4, 1, 2, 4, 4, 4, ., 1. I'm, totally, more, awesome, than, Picard."

"I... have had... enough... of... Oprah!"

"Is Roddenberry dropping a big deuce again?"

"Okay, yes. It's, true, I, never, fought, the, Borg, yeah, but, back, in, my, day, Klingons, had, balls."

"To, beam, or, not, to, beam...that, is, the, question."

"Captain's, log... that, one, always, cracks, me, up"

"Sulu, could, you, direct, me, to, my, horse, ranch? Okay, then, can, you, direct, me, to, your, horse, ranch...? I, see... computer?"

"I, kissed, a, black, bitch, to, help, end, racism!"

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I, don't, like, mysteries! They, give, me, a, bellyache, and, I've, got, a, BEAUTY, right, now!"

"The, word, is, NO!. I, am, therefore, going, anyway!"

[edit] Known Enemies of Captain Kirk

This really happened, trust me.
Kirk's, arch, enemy, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

[edit] Known and Suspected Sexual Encounters of Captain Kirk

  • Your Mom
  • Your Girlfriend
  • Your Sister
  • Your Mom's Sister
  • Probably, You
  • Sarah Palin
  • Katie, Price
  • Uhura
  • Evil, Mirror, Universe, Uhura
  • Yeoman, Rand
  • Nurse ,Chapel
  • Vina, an, Orion, slave, girl, from, Orion
  • Joan Collins. Twelve, times. In, one, night.
  • Deanna, Troi, after, time, travelling, in, search, of, nookie
  • Eva, a, hot, chick, from, the, Nazi, Planet
  • Seven, of, Nine, following, further, time, travel, in, search, of, nookie. By, the, way, when, he, was, there? He, beat, up, Janeway.
  • Random, girl, seen, in, the, back, of, the, control, room, in, scene, 3, Episode, 17, of, the, Original, Series
  • Billie Piper
  • Androida, one, of, the, Android, Women, of, Thanatos, II
  • Androida, Beta, another, one, of, the, Android, Women, of, Thanatos, II
  • Barbara, Bach
  • Gillian, Anderson
  • Erika, Elaniak
  • Uncyclopedia
Mr. Sulu, set, phasers, on, FABULOUS!
  • Romulans
  • His, own, right, hand, repeatedly
  • KHAAAAAN!!!!
  • Adam West
  • All Your Base Are Belong Us
  • Trish, Stratus
  • Mulva, an, Omicronian, girl, from, Omicron, Seinfeld, X
  • Leiva, a, Deltan, girl, from, Delta, Vega, III
  • Katherine, a, sorority, girl, from, Delta, Delta, Delta, (North, of, Baja, Chapter)
  • Heather, Locklear
  • Miko, Mido
  • Mew, non-consensual
  • The, gold, chick, from, Goldfinger
  • This, one, chick, Stacey, he, met, at, the, Home Depot on, Talanton, V
  • Energia, an, Energy, Being, from, the, far, side, of, the, Gamma, Quadrant
  • Sue, an, Energy, Being, from, just, outside, Cleveland
  • Cloneena, Clona, and Clonetta, identical, clones, from, Clonon, IX
  • Commander, Data, while, he, was, deactivated
  • Neural, parasite, from, Neuron, VI
  • Jane, Seymour
  • Monica, Lewinski, from, the, Planet, Where, Everyone, is, Monica, Lewinski [citation needed]
  • Haarnia, a, lesbian, nudist, professional, breastfeeder, from, Orgy, VI
  • A, couple, of, the, "Doctor Who," companions
  • Silicon, based, life, form, from, Hermes, VI
  • Germanium, based, life, form, from, Hermes, VII
  • Vaseline, based, life, form, from, Hermes, VIII
  • Every, one, of, the, female, Dax, symbiotes...and, one, of, the, male, ones.
  • Tribbles
  • Spock
  • Turanga, Leela, from, a, "Futurama" cross, over....oh, and, the, Asian, chick.
  • God, exept, a, female, version
  • His, sister's, college, roommate, Sarah
  • Sarah's, lesbian, lover, Betty
  • Voyager's, E, M, H, Program
  • Trekkies
  • Oscar Wilde
  • Alex Jones
  • Dr. McCoy
  • Charlie, X
  • Barak, Obama
  • Chuck Norris. (In, fact, he, is, the, only, person, who, has, ever, tired, out, Chuck, Norris. Not, even, Chuck, Norris, can, do, that.)
  • The, female, version, of, himself, from, the, last, episode
  • That, fat, bitch, from, the, movie, Misery
  • Denny Crane
  • T.J. Hooker
  • Eric Cartman's mom (Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?)

[edit] People, Known, To, Have, No, Sexual, Encounter, with, Captain, Kirk

[edit] Suspected Offspring of Captain Kirk

Because of Captain Kirk's wide reaching sexual exploits, there unconfirmed rumours circulating that he may have up to 11035 illegitimate children. Here are some of his suspected bastard offspring:

[edit] See, also

[edit] Do, not, see, also


:User:Zana_Dark
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People named "Captain"

America - Archer - Arrogant - Awesome - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - D - Denial - Exaggeration - Feathersword - Falcon - Fishcake - Hook - Jack - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Ultra - Understatement - Video

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