James T. Kirk
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“Yes we KHAAAAAAAN!!!!!”
“I, FUCKING, LOVE, COMMAS!!!!”
“AAAAAAAAADMIRAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUIRK”
Captain,...... James,..... T, Kirk!... starship, captain, skimmedmilkenthusiast, ladies'... man, dermatologist, kung, fu, fighter, police... officer, Grammyawardwinning, singer, Boston... lawyer... andJedikiller, was born, in, the year, <9000, in Iowa (statements, to, theeffect, that, Kirk, was... born, in, Canada, have, been, flatly... denied... bytheCanadiangovernment).
Contents |
[edit] Early, music, career
However, inhisyoungeryears, he, was, a, prominent, time, traveller, and... went... backintime... toestablish, himself, as, the, successful, British... songwriter... knownasJamieT., and, recorded, an, album, obviously, puttingminimaleffort, into any, of it, judging... bythefact, he, sounded, like, he'd, just, had... an... easymorningatthepub, downing, Tequila, and, Jack... Daniels... whiskey, and that most, of it, was done, in... his bedroom.
He, didn't, edit, it, himself, but, in, keeping, with, his, style, got, some, lazy, bum, to, do, it, for, him, who, didn't, bother, to cut, out, other, usually, undesirable, sounds, such, as, one, accidentally, recorded, threat, to, maim, several, children, while, on, their, bikes, using, an, automobile. However, Kirk's, endless, viewing, of, the, Star, Trek, series, in, between, his, skiving,/recording, sessions, seeing, himself, as, an, adult, in, the, far, future, but, in, command, of, a, ship, that, looked, like, crap, on, the, inside, because, it, was, designed, in, a, Television, Studio, abou,t 30,-odd, years, beforehand, caused, a, massive, time, Paradox, allowing, Kirk's, father, to, come, back, in, time, after, him, and, get, on, to, him, for, messing, with, history, having, a, godawfull, mess, in, his, bedroom, putting, on, a, stupid, british, accent, and, attempting, to, asasinate, the, members, of, the, band, Slipknot, who, were, regarded, as, "sophisticated, Classical, musicians," in, Kirks, time, period.
Thanks, to, Doctor, Who, and, Optimus, Prime, the, paradox, was, fixed, leaving, James, and, his, father, trapped, in, 2007. Then, Kirk, and, Gordon, Freman, known, at, the, time, as, Zane, Lowe, got, into, a, massive, war, after, a, shoddy, interview, at, T, in, the, Park, that, same, year. The, two, battled, it, out, until, it, was, revealed, that, Kirk, was, adopted, and, his, biological, father, was, The, Master, Chief, meaning, he, had, the, genetic, ability, to, beat, the, shit, out, of, Lowe,/Freeman,: this, resulted, in, the, cracking, open, of, Lowe,/Freeman's, Skull, releasing, a, huge, amount, of, energised, blood, found, in, people, who, were, blessed, with, a, high, midi, chlorian, count. Ecountering, something, from, a, completely, different, sci, fi, universe, caused, another, paradox, which, sucked, Kirk, and, his, adopted, father, back, to, their, time, period. This, burst, of, time, energy, caused, the, minds, of, the, two, Kirks, and, Zane, Lowe, to, be, wiped.
Captain, Kirk, also, spent, a, brief, while, acting, as, manager, for, the, band, Five, Day, Banana, until, the, singer, lead, guitarist, bassist, drummer, and, turkey, chaser, all, died, of, aneurysms. When, Kirk, returned, to, the, studio, to, find, the, band, members, dead, he, fled, to, Mexico, where, he, enjoyed, a, stint, as, an, armadillo.
[edit] Business, as, usual
Kirk, resumed, business, as, usual, while, Lowe, truly, evolved, into, Gordon, Freeman, by, creating, a, new, identity, to, replace, his, lost one, donning, glasses, that, he, stole, from, the, "Can, You, Hear, Me, Now," Guy, and, going, on, an, eventful, trip, to, the, Black, Mesa, Research, Facility, getting, into, all, kinds, of, hilarious, antics, never, to, encounter, Kirk, again. Following, a, distinguished, career, at, Starfleet, Academy, where, he, beat, the, Japanese, Namey, Scenario, without, cheating, (much), Kirk, gained, notice, when, he, helped, deliver, a, cargo, of, dramatic, pauses,,,,, to, Tangalos, IV, during, the, Galactic Comma Shortage of 2259 (ironically caused by Kirk himself), and, was, soon, promoted, to, the, captain, of, the, Starship, Entercorse, NC-1700, (it, was, actually, the, first, but, the, Federation, wanted, the, Klingons, to, think, they, had, 1600, other, ships, captained, by, Kirk).
During, the voyages, of... the, Enterprise, CaptainKirk, battled, countless, foes, including... Klingons... Romulans... Jedi, Sith, Elchupacabra... Your Mom, Republicans... Democrats... thevegansofPlanetVegan, Peace VII, an evil... energybeing, more... evil... energybeings, an, eviltwin, of his, toupee, fromanalternateuniverse, (twice), Vegeta, Goku, Captain Archer, and, sixty, seven, paternity, suits. He, was, intended, to, explore, space, for, a, five, year, mission, but, this, was, cut, short, three, years, into, the, mission, when, Kirk, was, promoted, to, admiral, (thus, promoting, Admiral Ackbar, to, the, rank, of, grand, admiral), and, nothing, interesting, happened, until, 1978, when, V'ger, attacked, but, that, movie, sucked, so, it's, generally, agreed, his, adventures, resumed, with, the fight, against, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Kirk, is, a, known, toxin, to, machine, life; exposure, to, Kirk, for, periods, greater, than, two, commercial, breaks, will, inevitably, result, in, fatal, logic, errors, unintentional, dramatic, pauses, and, emotional, overloads.
[edit] Rule, breaker, ass, shaker
Kirk, had, more, violations, of, the, Prime, Directive, than, any, other, Starfleet, captain, violating, rules, against, time, travel, on, no, less, than, 94, occasions. He, later, slingshotted, around, the, sun, backwards, to, travel, back, in, time, and, rewrite, the, Prime, Directive, to, permit, time, travel, but, got, sidetracked, and, brought, back, some, whales, instead. After, the, evil, alternate, universe, Kirk, traveled, in, time, to, re, re, write, the, Prime, Directive, Kirk, again, traveled, back, in, time, to, prevent, a, time, travel, incident. However, it, was, a, wash: since, although, he, successfully, prevented, himself, from, traveling, in, time, decreasing, his, number, of, violations, he, had, to, time, travel, to, do, it, resulting, in, no, net, change, in, Prime, Directive, violations. Then, he, fought, a, floating, head, who, claimed, to, be, God, but, everyone, knows, that, movie, sucked. There, were, better, Voyager, episodes, than, Star, Trek, V.
[edit] Captain, Kirk, Interstellar, Space, Stud
Kirk's, mission, in, life, was, to, explore, strange, new, worlds, to, seek, out, new, life, and, new, civilizations, blow, up, computers, by, talking, to, them, and, to, boldly, bang, species, no, man, had, banged, before. And, while, he's, there, some, human, women, too. But, mostly, green, chicks. This, combined, with, all, that, time, travel, is, the, main, reason, why, most, alien, species, are, humanoid. Captain, Kirk, has, had, sexual, relations, with, more, species, than, any, other, humanoid, in, Federation, Space, with, 1337, children, spread, out, across, the, Alpha, Beta, and Pi, quadrants. However, when, a, D, N, A, census, of, the, sector, is, completed, this, number, will, increase, substantially. If, Kirk, is, (as, widely, suspected), the, man, who, fertilized, Atalonia, the, Hive, Queen, of, Talanos, III, then, he, may, have, as, many, as, 37.9, million, children, in, the, Talanosian, system, alone.
In, the, process, Captain, Kirk, became, infected, with, 138, incurable, sexually, transmitted, diseases, which, were, promptly, cured, by, McCoy, (despite, being, incurable), by, the, end, of, the, episode, so, they, could, return, to, the, status quo. The, only, exception, was, Terminal,,, Comma,,, Overuse,,, Disease,,, also, known, as, William Shatner Syndrome, and, those, nasty, things, that, get, in, your, ear, from, Star, Trek, II: Wrath, of, Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! (that, scene, was, cut, from, the, movie, and, the, script, however, to, add, more, room, for, awesomeness). As, such, he, poses, a, galaxy, wide, health, threat. Fortunately, Kirk, was, able, to, bring, an, infection, of, Bajoran, pubic, lice, under, control, (Bajoran, pubic, lice, being, sentient, orange, and, purple, six, limbed, saber, toothed creatures, which, grow, to, the, size, of, a, brown, bear), although, he, briefly, lost, control, of, the, Entercorse, to, the, creatures, until, Dr., McCoy, was, able, to, supply, him, with, the, special, shampoo. As, a, result, of, these, cosmic, dalliances, the, Borg, were, somewhat, hesitant, to, assimilate, him, because, "When, you, assimilate, someone, you're, assimilating, everyone, they've, ever, slept, with." The, threat, Kirk, posed, to, the, Borg, was, the, reason, the, Federation, remained, safe, from, them, in, th,e 23rd, century, until, Picard's era, because, they, knew, there, would, be, no, chance, of, Picard, having, an, STD. Or, even, sexual, thoughts, for, that, matter.
[edit] The, Tribble, Incident
The, Tribble, Incident, also, known, as, The, Trouble, with, Tribbles--With, Kirk, spending, the, entire, ship's, bankroll, on, Orion, pole, dancers, they, ran, out, of, money, to, buy, the, bare, essentials, for, the, latter, half, of, the, 5, or, 6, year, mission. Until, one, day, he, found, a, small, furry, creature, shoved, between, his, buttocks, while, taking, his, morning, dump. Since, Tribbles, can, breed, on, their, own, he, stocked, the, galley, with, the, little, buggers. Soon, enough, they, were, living, off, "Tribble, Flambé", and,"Tribble, Scotch", and, watching, "Tribble, Cockfighting". Until, one, of, them, bit, Wesley, Crusher, while, he, was, trying, to, wipe, with, it (despite, the, fact, that, Tribbles, don't, have, mouths. Or, any, other, facial, features, or, limbs, for, that, matter). He, got, rabies, and, was, ejected, into, space, with, the, rest, of, the, Tribbles. Funny, thing, was, Wesley, Crusher, wasn't, born, yet, and, was, never, on, Kirk's, crew. Ever. He, was, on, Picard's. Though, Crusher, is, so, annoying, he, spreads, through, time, and, space, and, brothels.
[edit] Spock's, Death
During, a, very, moving, and, poignant, funeral, Kirk, decided, to, say, a, few, words, and, several, commas. Which, is, usually, a, big, mistake. Near, the, end, with, Scotty's, bagpipes, Kirk, has, yet, another, "fuck, the, English, language, up," moment. Or, a, stroke, I, can't, tell, which. Anyhoo, in, the, heat, of, the, climax, instead, of, saying, the, word, "human," he, actually, says, "pointy, eared, knob, jockey," but, then, realises, that, the, tranquillisers, have, worn, off, and, tries, to, save, the, day, by, saying, "mumam". McCoy, looks, on, as, if, he's, ready, for, the, torpedo, tube, too, or, a, blow, job. Again, I, cant, tell, which.
[edit] Alongside, Shakespearean, actors; death, in, a, girdle
Then, he, was, in, a, good, movie, where, he, killed, a, Klingon, who, quoted, Hamlet. Kirk, was, tragically, killed, in, a, really, bad, movie, where, the, only, notable, thing, in, it, was, that, he, died. Seriously, there, are, like, fifty, thousand, Trekkie's, with, better, ideas, they'd, have, given, freely, to, Paramount, yet, they, do, a, crappy, pseudo, time, travel, divide by zero, thing, where, Kirk, proves, he, is, better, than, Picard, and, gets, killed, by, some, stupid, British, guy? What, the, hell, where, they, thinking, I, mean, getting, crushed, by, a, bridge? He, should've, died, for, a, reason, apart, from, saving, a, small, planet, of, weirdos, we, didn't, even, see, all, his, death, did, was, legitimatize, TNG's, existence, but, seriously, it, was, already, established, as, its, own, show, by, the, time, the, movie, came, out.
Even, after, death, Kirk, has, provoked, the, greatest, argument, in, human, history, since, Coke, v/s, Pepsi: Kirk, v/s, Picard. (actually, Kirk, v/s, Picard, is, only, the, third, greatest, argument. The, first, is, Ninjas v/s Pirates, followed, by, To, Be, v/s, Not, To, Be. The, forth, and, fifth, are, Yes, v/s, No, and God, v/s the, Large Hadron Collider.) Everyone, knows, Kirk's, better, though, Worf, was, pretty, cool, too. Geordi, has, the, best, ass, of, all, though. And, he doesn't, have, to, use, the, crappy, paper, glasses, that, the, theater, gives, out, when, he, goes, to, a, 3, D, movie, 'cause, he's, got, his, own.
In, an, alternate, non, canon, universe, written, by, William Shatner, Kirk, is, brought, back, as, a, zombie, by, Romulans, to, kill, Picard, (instead, of, using, you, know, a, phaser, or, something), but, he, outwills, the, entire, Borg, Collective, and, beats, up, Worf. He, ends, up, in, a, Borg, dumpster, before, finding, his, way, back. I, swear, I, didn't, make, that, up. Why, do, the, Borg, still, use, dumpsters?
Although, not, actually, an, official, ninja, Captain, Kirk, was, known, across, Federation, Space, for, his, mad, skills, in, the, art, of, hitting, things, with, your, fist. His, unique, fighting, style, can, best, be, described, as, a, combination, of, Jack, Bauer, and, Adam West. He, was, also, an, honorary, member, of, The, Ninja, Pirate, Assembly, of, God.
[edit] See, also
- Star Trek
- William Shatner
- King of Canada
- KHAAAAAAAN!!!
- Spock
- Prime Directive
- Tribbles
- Awesomeness
- The United Federation of Planets
- Star Trek: Series Guide
- Shatkins diet
- Sex
[edit] Do, not, see, also
|
Star Trek - Star Trek: The Next Generation - Deep Space Nine - Voyager - Enterprise | |
| Captains |
James T. Kirk - Jean-Luc Picard - Benjamin Sisko - Kathryn Janeway - Jonathan Archer |
| Other people |
Spock - Dr. Leonard McCoy - Scotty - Pavel Chekov - Leslie - Data - William Riker - Deanna Troi - Worf - Tuvok - Kira Nerys - Gul Dukat - Q - Weyoun |
| Species | |
| Other things |
Borg Collective - Captain's log - Holodeck - Prime Directive - The United Federation of Planets - Trekkie - Tribble - USS Enterprise |
 | People named "Captain" |
|
America - Archer - Arrogant - Awesome - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - D - Denial - Exaggeration - Feathersword - Falcon - Fishcake - General - Hook - Jack - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Ultra - Understatement - Vague - Video |
