Captain Archer
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“Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Captain Archer led an elite group of scientists into the desert to develop a top secret project, known as QUANTUM LEAP.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Captain Archer
Captain Archer in his days as a Tory politician
Captain Archer, nicknamed The McDonalds Arch, was the man who designed the McDonalds Arch. Many know him to be the man who developed the McDonalds Arch, but he likes to consider himself the creator of the McDonalds Arch. He is also infamous for losing three of his favourite socks in an unfortunate accident involving lemons, and a glass dildo made in France
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[edit] Birth
Archer, then named Sperm Clone Project 69-Beta, was to be a clone of Captain Janeway. This makes sense, for both of their shows suck.
Janeway, under the advisement of a drunk Tuvok, named Project 69-Beta - Captain Archer. Tuvok was eating an Arch Deluxe from MacDonalds at the time of birth, playing catch with a tomato piece as Archer was being born. Picking up the piece after birth, Tuvok discovered a new food item. (See: Vaginal Tomato Sandwich)
[edit] Childhood
Archer had a very commanding attitude, especially in his childhood:
- What the hell man?! Give me your lunch money! - Captain Archer in kindergarden to his teacher.
- You call this a grilled cheese sandwich?! I should grill your face, I'm sure it would look better than it does now! - Captain Archer in grade 3 to the student cafeteria server.
- An A-minus?! An A-minus?! I constructed a fully working environmentally-safe emission-free trans-dimensional high-powered nuclear generator for nothing?! I'm selling this to MGM! - Captain Archer during a science fair in Grade 8 on his so-called 'Naquadah Generator'.
- I did it! - Captain Archer on successfully using a toilet in grade 10.
- I did it, and I feel good! - Captain Archer on successfully using a toilet again, after reading a Playboy.
- Hey girls, check out this tricked-out ride! - Captain Archer on spending $100,000 on a Ferrari in grade 11.
- I need another extension on my mortgage. - Captain Archer 1 month later
- What the hell do you mean my car has been foreclosed? - Captain Archer in 2008
[edit] Adulthood
Archer was 22 years-old with a Ferrari, living in his parent's basement with an addiction on licking stamps. He needed money, fast.
Going downtown in his hometown, he went to the local Pimp college. For 3 months, he walked the streets as a Pimp, earning enough money to pay off his Ferrari and paying back his stamp debts. He even had enough money to start eating at Kentuckistan Fried Chicken.
He was eventually caught by police and brought in. The charge: pimping without a certified license. He was found guilty and placed in jail for 10 days.
During his time in the slammer, he was eventually granted the use of a television, in which he saw a commercial for MacDonalds with it's one arch logo. He then thought of an idea, that would eventually become his running motto:
- Why use one arch when you can have two?!
When he was released, he submitted the idea to MacDonalds. The secretary kicked him out as she was too busy listening to a telemarketer discuss cheap long-distance phone rates to worry about an arch. Archer, mad, threw a rock and whatever he could grab from his pocket at the CEO's window. Looking at the glass shards from the damage, the CEO noticed they spelled out: 'McDonalds' with the arch beside it. Hence forth, MacDonalds changed to McDonalds and the McDonalds Arch became the signature trademark of the company. However, Archer got no support, so he sued. McDonalds, at the time, was going through 47 trials and wanted to get the case over with as fast as they could. Archer lost $500,000, his Ferrari and couldn't even afford to live in his parent's basement.
[edit] The Enterprise Incident
Out on the street, Archer passed by his local Kentuckistan Fried Chicken to dig the garbage for some old or used food. Beside the bin was a man sitting at a cardboard box with an old clipboard. The man's name: Brannon Braga.
Braga offered Archer the following: A TV series where he would be the Captain. Archer gave his name, in which Braga laughed, but gave him the job anyways. They shared a fresh bucket of refried chicken and went to Paramount studios to start production.
[edit] Archer vs. Kirk
- Captain Archer's ship was build 100 years before Kirks but it didn't use computer systems that had been obsolete for hundreds of years.
- Archer's Vulcan Science Officer and Second in command was MUCH hotter than Kirks.
- The token asian on Kirk's ship was Japanese. The token Asian on Archer's ship was japanese also but the token asian was a girl. Japanese girls are fucking hot.
- Archer made it so the Klingons Kirk had to deal with weaker.
- Kirk had security officers on away missions who died in great numbers, Archer had freaking army on his ship. They, unlike Red Shirts, acutally kicked ass.
- Kirk fought a doomsday machine first but Archer spent a whole season doing it. It was awesome.
- Kirk saved humanity once. Archer also saved Humanity once but he kicked alot of ass to do it instead of bringing a couple of whales back to the 23rd century (which would cause MAJOR imbreeding, and whales are not from South Virginia)
- Archer's helmsman was black. The only black person on Kirk's ship was a telephone opperator, and that was considered ground breaking for black rights...
- Archer acutally knew what his doctor's job was and didn't need to be reminded every episode.
- Archer's doctor didn't give up and declare he's dead until there was nothing left to do.
- Three words: Computer Generated Imagery.
- Archer's first officer isn't responsible for a great anomoly in the timeline, she doesn't even believe in time travel (despite having time traveled several times)
- Archer's first officer wasn't a serial killer in an alternate reality.
- Archer's first officer is a damn fine looking woman. The only woman on Kirk's ship with any significant role was a telephone opperator, and that was considered ground breaking in woman's rights...
- Archer's ship had movie night, Kirk's ship had an infestation of fuzy balls.
- Archer never enountered tribbles, and if he did his dog would have eaten them before they infested his ship.
- Archer didn't have to use a big stone donut to travel back in time.
- Two Syllables: T'Pol.
- Kirk's first officer might have been the first example of a Vulcan in TV history but Archer's had boobs.
- Archer's tactical officer was British and came from a military family. Kirk's tactical officer didn't appear until half way through the series, and he was a no good pinko commie.
- The Klingons in Archer's time didn't look like bushy eye browed persians.
- Archer's appearance in the mirror universe was a two parter and more awesome.
- Kirk only ever had one two part episode and it wasn't even about him. Archer's last season was full of multi-part episodes and he kicked ass every single time.
- Kirk met Ricardo Montibon. Archer met Brent Spiner. And he acually killed his augments instead of leaving them on some planet do they could get killed by the desert.
- T'pol/Seven femslash fics, while not common (or existant at all) are much hotter than Kirk/Spock fics.
- Archer/T'pol Fics are much hotter than Kirk/Spock fics.
- When Archer fought the Gorn it might have been his mirror universe counter part but it was acutally deadly and not the worst fight in television history.
- Kirk was NOT the first one to have the star ship enterprise.
- T'Pol/Hoshi fics are much hotter than Kirk/Spock fics.
- T'Pol/Trip fics are much hotter than Kirk/Spock fics.
- T'pl/Anyone fics are much hotter than Kirk/Spock fics.
- Archer's ship acutally looks like a military vesel not like a kids amusement park diorama.
- Archer's random pointless blinking lights were cooler than Kirk's.
- Archer had LCD screens, Kirk didn't even have computer monitors.
- Archer's chief engineer might have died in the line of duty but at least he didn't become fat and grow a mustache.
- None of Archer's crew never appeared on TNG. Nuff said.
- Archer never had space hippies on his ship THANK ROBOT JESUS.
- Kirk might have had the first interracial kiss on his show but Archer had T'POL I can't stress this enough.
- Captain Archer never let |this guy onto his ship. THANK ROBOT JESUS!!!!
[edit] Archer vs. Picard
Reasons Why Captain Picard is LAMER than Captain Archer .
- "Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise" became nauseating by the seventh season. Archer made up a new hail almost every time.
- Picard carried civilians, blue barbers, and Wesley on his ship. Archer only carried a chef, and he was really good.
- Archer delivered a Klingon to the High Council, against all odds, in his pilot. Picard, being French, surrendered to Q.
- Archer's doctor had 3 wives. Picard's was a necrophile.
- Picard has his starship repaired by the end of his episodes. Archer let an autonomous space station do it for him, and then blew it up.
- Archer had a beagle as his pet. All Picard had were those faggy tropical fish.
- Archer's chief engineer wasn't blind, or black. LaForge was like any other person, except he steals cars.
- ... and Picard's chief engineer anally raped a robot
- Archer wore a blue jump suit with lots of zippers. Picard wore Spandex.
- Archer never had a councilor. His chef did that job in his free time, and wasn't Neelix.
- Archer never had to become a child to defeat the Ferengi.
- Picard never hugged a Vulcan.
- Picard fought the Romulans with great effort. Archer defeated them without ever seeing one.
- Archer acts like Kirk and we all know about how Picard is much worse than him.
- Archer never met Q.
- Archer had phase-pistols and EM rifles. Picard had TV remotes.
- Archer had let MACOs on his ship. If attacked, Picard would just pass the TV remotes around.
- Picards ship runs on kelp-colored crystals. Archers runs on pie.
- Archer's intro features a brief history of Human accomplishment. Picard's intro features his ship zooming around.
- Picards first officer was gay. Just ask T'pol about the Vulcan Science Directorates views on the gay gene and AIDS
- Picard never had a decon room. Archer used his as an excuse for mostly female orgies.
- Picard wasn't played by Scott Bakula.
- Archer wasn't played by Patrick Stewart.
- Archer's ship was never been filmed as a model, and had better special effects.
- And of course: HAIR.
- T'pol.
- T'pol looks like shes from softcore porn movie... while Picard gets rid of his slut at the end of first season. leaving it clear victory for our evolved supperior race (if only she had not hit it off with Michel how about that squeemish thing on bridge?)
- Hull plating offline... Picard's crew never spit out nonsence like this
- Archer is no fake French who is essencially Brittish.. hes usa homless who gained command... err by inhereting it? or perhaps some freak incident in database....
- Malcolm Reed! he was once asked to assemble...strike that he is so fucking awsome that he build one plasma cannon from scratch and it kicked ass! (well blew mountians, and it were due to some alien leeting device but still) cant imagine La forge whiping himself some pahser cannons...
- T'pol now i realise that there is already ONE T'pol mention so i make this more accurate this one refers specifically to her breasts (as seen in one episode she makes even Archer notice her... STUFF)
- Archer is proabably only one ((pre)star fleet)capitain who had time war in his century and mised it because he was in diffrent time. Or just did not give a shit or gave so boring speech that the enemies all fell asleep.
- Archer actually eats and occasionally takes shower(altho he dose not uses toilets)
- Archer's pet could command the ship better than Picard! Suck that picard!
- Archer has beaten Kirk's first first SF Vulcan officer record....
- Archer is really good at beating the crap out of defencless monks especially vulcans
- Archer betrayed Earth's colsest ally to their nemesis whitout having to be removed from command (not even temporarly)
- Archer's crew explenations on what the heck is going on in that (random space object say nebula or planet) makes no sence at all
- Picard saved Humanity 3 or 4 times. Archer only did it once but he took a whole season to do it!
- Archer fights Klingons, Picard negotiates with them.
- Archer fights Romulans, Picard negotiates with them.
- Archer fights Borg (all be it just once), Picard gets assimilated by them.
- Archer fights Suliban, Picard doesn't even tknow who they are.
- Archer single handedly won the temprol cold war for the Federation, Picard almost wiped out humanity.
[edit] What the Deuce?
Captain Archer's name had been switched to Scott Bakula who in which played the character of Captain Archer. Despite the confusion, Archer/Bakula/Archer went on to continue his work as a new actor. Filming the first episode of Enterprise, Broken Car, Part 1, Archer/Bakula/Archer earned $1.56 Canadian and blew it on a $1 lottery ticket.
- 1 liberty bell, 2 liberty bells, an appl...aww...I mean, WAHOO! I WIN!
Archer/Bakula/Archer cheated 7-11 out of $50 million US and left his acting job, bought a brand new Ferrari, and bought a new house. (Archer/Bakula/Archer was replaced with The Real Captain Archer on Enterprise.)
[edit] Pimpin' round the world
Currently, Archer has returned his name to Captain Archer, only eats Kentuckistan Fried Chicken (despite encountering food poisoning 47 times in his life), got a valid Pimp license and earns $1,000,000 a year.
Also, McDonalds has finally recognized him for his efforts. They gave him a complementary ham and $10.
[edit] Death
Sometime around 2258 a young Scotty tried to test his new transporter on porthos. unfortunately the dog was never seen again and so he was exiled. He wouldn't be punished so severely just for porthos but when the news got to Admiral Archer he had a violent heart attack and stroke and died.
[edit] Books Written
During his time in jail due to illegal pimping, Archer has written a number of books including:
- Mein Enterprisef - Title of his first book
- I am not SPAM - Title of his second book
- I am SPAM - His other other book
- Pam I am - Comment on his wish to be Pamela Anderson
- Spam I am -Comment on his wish to be a can of Spam
[edit] See Also
 | People named "Captain" |
|
America - Archer - Arrogant - Awesome - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - D - Denial - Exaggeration - Feathersword - Falcon - Fishcake - Hook - Jack - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Ultra - Understatement - Video |
