From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article may be Overly American. Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't not attempt to remedy this.|
“That guy looks like me.”
“The Quote below that one IS me.”
“Your Uncyclopedian username is <insert name here>”
“I AM CAPTAIN AMERICA!”
Captain America was a superhero who fought for Lard-Clogged U.S. Citizens, Hamburgers (originally german but stolen as "american food"), and oil-hungry Republican entrepreneurs who enslave the working class. Like most American ideology, he compensates for his statistically small genitals by bulking up on physical prowess and beating up on weaker opponents. Should no weak opponent exist, he will simply begin a smear campaign to create one. Should he loose his confrontation, in typical American style he will simply claim a victory, photo shop some evidence, and strong arm the media into reporting his version of events. Oh yeah there was some shit about for truth, justice, and the American Way thrown in there but he really didn't care for much of that. Devoting his entire life to eradicating non-conformists and making the world safe for rampant American Imperialism and capitalist pigs. He also liked tacos, but only the greasy, lard-injected tacos made in America, not the tasty ones made in Mexico; despite he is a Mexican, he received the "Super Soldier" formula (one kind of weed that gave him superpowers) that make him a white, blond, super strong man. He is considered by many to be the lamest superhero ever, unlike the most bad-ass superhero ever, Ultra Jesus. He used to have a gay sidekick called Bucky, but he killed him when he discovered he was a Communist.
During the 1940's 'The cap' (or "el capitaine" as he was known to his cottaging friends) began a homosexual relationship with J Edgar Hoover, together with their bald albino cross dressing badger named "derek" they lived together in a small 2 bedroom apartment on the lower east side of Manhatten, where they lived happily eating each others asses, and which is where 'ole cap' turned his attention to young boys. Mr Rogers also had an interest in the latest fashion trend of chicks with dicks, and decided to set up a club honouring these "BEAATCHES". They named the club "So, Hell I Eat Lady Dick" otherwise known as "S.H.I.E.L.D "
His love of homo-erotic porn lead to his retirement in 1997. Unknown to everyone but his underage male prostitutes, his shield was originally for covering up his erections, which even with his grossly under-sized genitals was obvious in his tights. For Captain America erections were common while hanging out with other less gay super heroes. At first, he told them he was just thinking about beating up minorities. Earlier, most super heroes wore more sensible outfits, until Captain America convinced them to don the uber-fruity spandex and leotards by telling them it would help intimidate their foes. Some of his peers became suspicious of his motives when he was frequently seen holding his shield, while both of his hands were precariously free for other activities. He learned to distract their suspicions by farting the alphabet, talking about reruns of unintelligent American sitcoms, competitive eating and manufacturing sub-standard products...all things people expect from Americans.
Anyway, it was ironic that Captain America, who defended greasy foods and fat overfed Americans himself became a fat-clogged slob like the people he defended. It was said that at the height of his weight he rivaled Marlon Brando and Big Pun, weighing in at an astounding 450 lbs. This of course also made him a much easier target for when he was assassinated.
He hates those damn Mangas, skinny foreigners, comic books coming from that communist country United States Of America, Al Gore (who stood against the oil hungry companies Americans love and die for) and anyone else who stood in the way of American Self-righteous douchebag "Liberating". He only likes the Marvel comics that come from Hell.
Captain America is a Neocon who loves Chinese strippers with crabs and he is awkwardly related to Falcon which is a superhero in his own SPECIAL way. Captain America his birth name was Captain Asia but when the Polish cavemen took over the Indians in America he came over and changed his name since the name Captain Asia wasn't appropriate for his job being a banker in the USA. Shortly after retiring from being a superhero he was assassinated in a terrible way.
edit Death of a Hero
While walking out of a courthouse, Senator John McCain was sniped by some drunk guy on a bet. After defeating Nazi's, Communists, terrorists, democrats, and homosexuals, some booze hound with a piece finally spelled the end for our Brave Captain. Not only was the mundane manner of his death appalling, the media reaction was even worse! When Superman was killed a few years back in a cheap publicity stunt and Batman got his back broken by Bane, everyone was up in arms. It made news headlines that great heroes had fallen. Yet when Captain America, the most xenophobically patriotic super hero of them all goes down, nothing! Total media silence! Some cynics will tell you this because everyone is so jaded on super hero deaths getting ret conned so they come back to life that nobody cares anymore, as the captain will get brought back to life/time travel will make it not happened/he will get cloned , etc. But don't listen to these lies! It is all a big liberal media conspiracy to undermine a truly great American who fought for freedom to silence protestors, protecting innocent governments from scrutiny from the evil public and over throwing villainous South American democracies to replace them with noble, friendly dictatorships.
However, the mystery still remains as to why Captain America's shield did not block the bullet. One theory is that the 450 lb. Captain simply could not hide the bulk of his lardy body behind a small shield, and in fact a skyscraper would have to be in front of him for anyone to miss him. Another is that the bullet actually entered from the rear, which Captain America never shields as he is constantly hoping something will enter from the rear. This is moot, however, as the Captain is dead and Stephen Colbert is the new owner of his shield, which in an ironic twist, he uses to shield his rear because he's tired of being John Stewart's bitch. Colbert used it to become the notorious supervillain defender of the Republican Party, "Captain Colbert".
The whole shooting was retconed into Crossbones shooting Captain America with a sniper rifle for the Red Skull, with Captain America's ex-girlfriend Sharon Carter (Daughter of Jimmy Carter and sister of Amy Carter) aka Agent 13 who finished him off with a 9mm auto pistol to the chest because she was schizophrenic and also pregnant with Captain America's baby, who one day will grow up to be Captain America Junior. So I hope that lays to rest any fears that the events surrounding his death might become meaningless!
A wok that given by the Colonel which he used to cook with, after he found a better way to fry his chicken with pressure cooker that printed his face on, he decided to dump the wok, but right before he throws it away, Captain America stepped into hie restaurant, Colonel thought that Captain America was the scavenger, so he gave the wok to Captain America.
edit Captain America Jr
Tony Stark got the last will and testament of Captain America from his lawyer. It said to keep the dream alive. So he contacted Bucky, Captain America's side-kick from World War II that was supposed to be dead, but was retconed into The Winter Soldier after Russians rescued him from the arctic circle and unfroze him, brainwashed him to become a Communist, and gave him a bionic arm like Cable the Larry Guy and an assault rifle. Tony Stark undid the Communist brainwashing by giving him Neocon brainwashing and thus Bucky became Captain America Jr, only now with more guns and more fascist than ever before.
Captain America Jr claims that Barack Obama is too Black for him. He is friends with The Punisher and a lifetime member of the NRA. Instead of arresting criminals, he instead shoots them in the head, to make sure they don't break out of jail and commit more crimes. His new sidekick is Glenny who claims that liberals and criminals don't follow common sense, and might have killed a girl in 1990 plus a frog in 2009, but Captain America Jr. had it all covered up. Together they attend tea parties and share quips with Teabaggers, plus they blog unfunny stuff on the Internet via Conservapedia.
With the recent buy out of Marvel Cap Jr was killed by Mickey Mouse, who was later shot by The Punisher in retaliation.
Captain America will be remembered most not only as the first openly gay superhero, but also due to the Super Soldier Serum, much more gay than you could ever be, bitch.
Star Shield and 2 and a half cans of whoop for every american citizen.
edit Are YOU an Enemy of Captain America?
Captain America has fought many enemies, but would you be one of them? Read the following statement to find out for sure.
"I consider it a grave dishonour that American Troops were at the centre of torture at Abu Graib prison. I was on holiday at Euro Disney when I heard, and I spat out my French Fries in disgust!"
Now, compare you reaction to that statement with the following to find out where you rank in the Captain America Hall of Hate-
a) That statement seemed reasonable. A lot of people were very upset when they heard about that. .
Result-You are a sworn enemy of the Captain! Your hatred for freedom knows no bounds! Possibly you are the Red Skull, or at least Captain Libya! One of these days, you are going to get a shield up side yo head!
b) I don't agree with that at all! What happened at that prison was no worse then a harmless college prank. Besides, they were all terrorists who had it coming anyway!
Result-Captain America is looking for a new side kick right now. Interested? Please email a 1000 word essay on the wonders of Joy Jell and email it to firstname.lastname@example.org, entries are limited to boys and girls aged 12 to 17 only. No adults, please. Only children with open minds and a conservative view on politics will be accepted. Any children with mental problems, drug problems, or legal problems involving the system, need not apply. No pedophiles, no trolls, & absolutely no assholes who don't have a life, are to be considered, period! Don't waste my time if you support leftist ways.