Cape Breton Island

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Archaeological evidence of early Cape Breton man.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Cape Breton Island.

Cape Breton is an island paradise located in eastern Canada in northeastern Nova Scotia. It has approximately 3 billion inhabitants (if you count seagulls) and is ruled with an iron fist by the people. Cape Breton has no form of government and is the only successful anarchy state in the world. It contains the cities of Glace Bay,Ingonish, Sydney, New Waterford, and the peaceful tranquility of the Sydney Mines area. Cape Breton is known for its strong economy, clean-living people, warm climate, excellent roads, and the general hard working attitudes of its people. In 2010, a national study ranked Cape Breton the "least intelligent" area of Canada, which, sadly, is no joke.

When entering Cape Breton, visitors are advised to set their clocks back 30 years, remove their thinking caps, and lower their standards.

Statistics

Mens cape v2

A caped Breton, not to be confused with a Cape Bretoner.

  • Population: 3,000,000,239
  • Government Building: The Shack
  • Sources of Income: Unemployment (pogey) and agriculture (strawberries and marijuana)
  • Capital: Meat Cove
  • Largest City: Cheticamp
  • Scariest City: Sydney Mines
  • Most Populous City: Glace Bay
  • Head of State: King John Morganstein
  • Political System: Clueless-ism/Complaining About Everything-ism
  • Languages: Cape Bretonese, Franglais, Gaelic, Drunken Jibberish and Mic Mac
  • Cancer Rate: 101% - just saying the words "Cape Breton" is carcinogenic, thanks to a centuries-old Mic Mac curse.
  • Unemployment Rate: 0% - best in Canada
  • Chief Export: Cape Breton's underground slave trade provides Alberta with unlimited cheap labour.
  • National Anthem: (several) Cape Breton Barbarian, Cape Breton the Brave, Cape Breton Uber Alles, and Martin the Moose

Climate

Sydney Cape Breton

Sydney, Cape Breton

Hot and arid. Cape Breton is known for its tropical climate year round. The average annual temperature is between 90 and 95 degrees Fahrenheit (32-35 Celsius). That's pretty fuckin' warm, man. The only place on Cape Breton which has ever recorded snow is the peak of Kelly's Mountain, which, at over 80 thousand feet, is the tallest mountain in the world. Jetsetters from all across Europe and the US flock to Cape Breton in January and February to escape cold winter temperatures and to experience Cape Breton's vibrant nightlife.

Highways

Highway 125 is the pinnacle of the Canadian driving experience, perhaps the ultimate in driving altogether. Virtually all of the world's serious drivers have heard of it and longed to take their shot at conquering it. Teutonic cars are known for their precise engineering and craftsmanship; the 125 completes the driving equation. This is a twenty-lane superhighway where cars are barely a blur as they whiz by.

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Highway #4, near Big Pond

For those who like to "Safari" it, then highway 4 provides the exciting challenges because many have ventured out on it and are never heard from again.

Railways

Along with our 12 lane Autobahn, there is a class of high-speed trains that travel at 513 km/hr on electrified rails that provide a “State of the Art” passenger service link between Sydney and Halifax. A 105 bi-current locomotives and matching cars were specially designed for this task. There always has been a constant threat that “European” spies will steal the blue prints for these prized locomotives. There are two runs per day.

Sydney Hi-Speed Rail

Sydney to Halifax Run High Speed Locomotive at base of Kelly's Mnt

Attractions

Cape Breton has many wonderful attractions including:

  • Sheena Bolt - Worlds fastest human, began running before he could speak. Said to have travelled at speeds faster than the speed of light. Current location is unknown as he is to fast to see by the human eye, although the tore apart roads of Cape Breton are evidence of him running through the area recently.
  • Bruce Gouthro - Unexceptional local musician. No one is quite sure exactly why he's famous, though it's believed to be because he knows Gordie Sampson.
  • Rollies - Upper class bar and lounge for fisherman and underaged patrons; won in a poker game by the Barra McNeils from the Rankin Family.
  • The Giant Fiddle - Endowed to Cape Breton by the Jolly Green Giant after Cape Breton won its independence from Greenland.
  • Johnny Miles - His soul still lives within his statue. He sees all. He knows all. Be good or he'll tell Santa!
  • Cape Breton Regional Police Force - Known for corruption and indifference, a thriving donut industry has sprouted up around them, helping the local economy.
  • Nick the Speedbump - Can proudly say he was hit by a car 16 times and sustained only 7 brain injuries!
  • Frances - If she's not passed out on the front lawn, she'll be at the doctor's office begging for stress leave so she won't have to go back to her call centre job. She was voted Miss Sydney Mines Industrial, Mine 4-B, 10 times, from 1989 - 1999, and was Runner-up to the Miss Poverty World competition in 1973, beaten by a woman from Newfoundland by one point! Known for driving around (at around 20 km/hr) while drinking a mickey of whisky, smoking a cigarette, rolling a joint and flipping off anyone who passes by. Often banned from large box stores for attempting "slip-downs" in order to augment her income from E.I., she is a true Cape Breton lady. Her record of employment is about as long as all the volumes of the Encylcopedia Britannica combied due to the fact that the concept of a "career" only exists for obtaining enough hours for another bout of Employment Insurance! She is truly representative of the elite of Cape Breton society.
  • The Henry Street Pub (More commonly known as "The Thistle") - A beautiful tavern, which is the pinnacle of life to those who live in the wealthy community of Whitney Pier.
  • The Beautiful Sydney Tar Ponds - You'll smell it before you see it.
  • The Cape Breton Space Agency - Main purpose is to seek out intelligent life because there is so little on the Island. It is located in Alder Point.
  • Centre 200 - Home ice for the NHL's illustrious "Original 7" franchise, the Cape Breton Screeching Seagulls.
  • The Five Star Gardiner Motel - What happens at The Five Star Gardiner Motel stays at The Five Star Gardiner Motel.
  • Smooth Herman's - Recently went out of business because Mrs. Herman wanted a fucking divorce.
  • Colouring Book University - Many of Cape Breton's best and brightest young janitors and telemarketers were ejukated here.
  • The Englishtown Fairie - Will grant wishes, but will also slip you roofies and take advantage of you if you aren't careful.
  • Meat Cove - Cape Breton's lavish playground to jetsetters, fashion models, and millionaires.
  • Kelly's Mountain - The tallest mountain in the world at 80,000 feet. Known for its scenic beauty and Sasquatch abductions.
  • Moxham Castle - Home of King John Morganstein.
  • Paramount Cape Breton Wonderland - Known more commonly as Hinchey's Rides & Amusements.
  • Fortress of Louisbourg The largest and most modern military complex in Canada.
  • Mayflower Mall - Internationally acclaimed shopping! Home of the last remaining Orange Julius location in the universe.
  • A&K Lick-A-Chick - Known for giving you the opportunity to lick an actual chick. Sorry, not that kind of chick. Get your mind out of the gutter!
  • The Ghost of Teese Whitty - Known to endlessly roam the roads of Ingonish, waving to every fucking car that passes.
  • North Sydney - The jewel of Cape Breton's cities. This lovely city, whose metropolitan area boasts upwards of 500,000 inhabitants, is the gateway not only of Cape Breton, but of all of North America, to travellers, drugs, marijuana, and illegal cigarettes from Newfoundland. The city, often known by its nickname, the "Rome of Cape Breton", has been voted as "North America's most livable city", for ten years straight by "Welfare Enthusiast's Magazine". The central business district of the city, often cited as the most beautiful in the western hemisphere, boasts world-famous restaurants, like The Black Spoon, Robena's Haute Cuisine, and the Lobster Pound, where diners can enjoy standard French/Continental dishes such as, soup, fresh frozen mussels, or imitation curry chicken (we're not sure if it's the chicken or the curry that is the imitation)! This city is a true gem, boasting the island's highest concentration of call centres and old-age care facilities. The city's finest hotel, The North Star Inn, is often cited as one of the best 1-star hotels in North America, and whose roaches rival those of any major third world city. Any tourist must visit Munroe Park, a 200 acre nature reserve, devoid of any trees! A "must-see" in anyone's travel plans!

Canso Causeway

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Fuck off Mainlanders!

The Canso Causeway is a massive bridge-like structure ( Over Nine Thousand times larger than that Golden Gate Bridge) that links mainland Nova Scotia to Cape Breton. The Causeway was constructed by mainlanders in 1987 when Newfoundlanders complained that the only place they could get to from the Nfld. Ferry was Cape Breton.

Wildlife

Capebretonsese field lobster

Cape Bretonese Field Lobster (Pleocyemata fieldus): a deadly and growing threat to Cape Breton's lucrative berry picking industry

All of Cape Breton's wild animals are currently kept at the Two Rivers Animal Correctional Facility. This is a minimum-security facility, which will house the animals until they overcome their various pharmaceutical addictions and behavioral issues.

Of the wildlife endemic to Cape Breton, perhaps the least known is the "Cape Bretonese Field Lobster". These amorous crustaceans are seldom seen, but their mating calls, which sound similar to discharging shotguns, can often be heard on warm summer nights around the communities of Sydney Mines and Bay St. Lawrence.

The sasquatch is another creature native to Cape Breton. Its habitat is limited to Kelly's Mountain and behind the Co-op in Neil's Harbour. They can be difficult to spot as they look like shit, allowing them to blend in seemlessly with their surroundings.

There have never been any skunks on Cape Breton Island, which has led some people to believe that maybe they know something we don't.

Gigantic

One Gigantic Cornucopia of Awesomeness

Sports Teams

Cape Breton is home to various sports teams including the Cape Breton Shithawks who have won the Stanley Cup 98 times since 2001. Their Main competion, is the Chebucto Faggots who have added the agressive russain steriod user Chris M. who loves to skate onto the rink with clamps on his nipples. to their front lines. Glace Bay also has a successful rugby team, The Pillheads, who, because of heavy abuse of prescription painkillers, are unable to feel pain and are an unstoppable force on the field, and the New Waterford girls hockey team, The New Waterford Virgins. Other professional hockey teams include the Ingonish Kazakhstians, and Ingonish Bolivians who have both been Stanley Cup Champions 60 times each.

Cape Breton once sent a team to the Olympic Games in Olympia, Grease in 200 B.C., but found they weren't very good at any of the sports except wrestling so they started their own Cape Breton Highland Games. Sports in the Cape Breton Highland Games include: wrestling, bar fighting, drinking contests, caber toss, highland dancing, fishing, boat races and hunting.

Cape Breton also held the Bar Fight World Cup in 1996, beating Ireland at the finals in the Red Shoe Pub in Mabou.

Nuclear Controversy

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Some protesting hippies.

In 1966, the U.N. voted unanimously that certain dumb-ass Cape Bretoners shouldn't have a nuclear power plant. Cape Breton protested, arguing that it was Buck Einstein, of Meat Cove, who originally invented the atom, and as a result, nuclear energy. Despite UN Sanctions, the Lingan Nuclear Power Facility was in full operation. This spawned a number of stupid hippie wannabes to flock to Lingan and protest.

The Kingdom of Cape Breton and Manifest Destiny

When the Honorable John Boutilier Cabot Trail first discovered The Royal Isle of Cape Breton 9001 years ago, He was greeted by the natives which offered him friendship and knoladge of the land, and in return he enslaved them for hundreds of years.

Then one day, while on a massive shroom trip, the gods spoke to him and said, "Stupid human, don't you know you're the first to arrive at the Super Island which will one day dominate the globe? You're the first absolute king of the world's future."

Thus was created the Kingdom of Cape Breton with its first ruling monarch, the Honorable and Veneratable Sir John Boutilier Cabot Trail. Thenceforth, it was declared that Cape Breton would absorb the rest of the world politically, economically, culturally and maybe even linguistically; if anyone could make them out.

Currently, The Royal Isle of Cape Breton's Kingdom stretches over vast regions, from the barren and inhospitable wastelands of Cheticamp with their desert dwellers in the West, to the sprawling metropolis known as Glace Bay with its cosmopolitan population and bustling economy in the East, from the South where the wooly sabre-toothed horses rule the land and keep foreigners out unless they have a special visa on the oily sands of of Sable Island, to the North and Meat Cove; a rare cultural and socio-historical glimpse into the past where the Barbarian Hordes of Atilla the Hun and the descendants of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble live and propagate.

Cape Breton is ruled by Sir John Morgenstein II and is poised to envelop the Mainland of Nova Scotia as its first decisive conquest before reaching out with its tentacles of influence to the rest of the world.

See also

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