Cane Toad

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Dvd02 CaneToad

Taken in 1947; a cane toad sunbaking with his topless fiance

“Exterminate! Exterminate!”
~ Daleks on Cane Toad Removal

Noted for their love of pomp, Cane Toad are so named in reference to their dapper dress sense, though in the US they are known as Pimp Toads and in the UK as Bling Toads.

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edit Introduction Into Australia

Cane Toads are frog-like creatures that may only be about the size of your computer speakers, but they are regarded as the most notorious predators ever to set foot in Australia. They are commonly found in Queensland, Australia and originated from South America. It is not known how they ended up in Australia, but the naturalist David Attenborough's theory is that at least two (male and female) hijacked an airliner, landed it somewhere in Queensland and started breeding.

edit Cane Toad Facts

Cane Toads are well known for being the only known creature that can swallow a saltwater crocodile in a matter of seconds, as well as pretty much any other Australian animal. They are most often seen either smoking on sidewalks or chasing people down the streets. Despite being considered a major tourist attraction by national and international migrants, cane toads kill thousands of people each year, particularly in mountainous areas. They in fact look so terrifying, so many humans have had the tendency to run away from them and they ended up accidentally running off a cliff and died. No wonder these pests are so uncontrollable! They can also make drunk middle-aged men squeal like six year old girls upon contact. However, despite being such a menace, they are quite well-known for their unique kind of fashion, only for the fact that it's their skin they're wearing. During the 1990's, when a massive boom in toad population occurred, a new kind of fashion appeared throughout Brisbane known as 'toad fashion'. Everyone was wearing lumpy green leather jackets that looked like cane toad skin. However, not only have Queenslanders used cane toads as jackets (or disguise for Leprechauns), but they've also used them as wallets, purses, handbags and even stuff like pizza toppings. Live cane toads are considered by Queenslanders as a better alternative to golf balls and are used by Queensland golf contestants in national golfing championships. They are also often used as tennis balls as well.

edit Dangers

If you're a man, one thing you must not do in Queensland under any circumstances is walk through a dense bushy area in the nude on a rainy night when there are cane toads about. If one sees you, it will jump up and try to bite your penis off and it will be virtually impossible to get off. If a toad ends up attached to your penis, you will need to have it surgically removed. If you see a toad attached to your dog/horse/bull/etc.'s penis, contact your local veterinary surgeon immediately.

edit Habitat

Cane Toads are most commonly found in drainage pipes and sewers across Queensland and the Northern Territory. Sewers are in fact like a swimming pool complete with water slides for toads, only for the fact that it they are in fact sewer pipes leading into a septic tank. They are always fully-armed with their own pressure cannons filled with poison in case other creatures and bums enter.

edit Swallowing

Cane toad swallowing

A cane toad swallower doing what he loves best.

Another sport that is popular in Queensland and includes cane toads is cane toad swallowing. This game includes any given number of people, whose aim is to swallow as many live cane toads as they possibly can. The person who swallows the most cane toads wins the game. Unfortunately, people can suffer symptoms after competing in cane toad swallowing, which may include vomiting or urinating poison or croaking sounds in the intestines.

According to the Guinness World Records, the person who swallowed the most cane toads is Mr Kane Towedman, who swallowed 248 toads. Soon after finishing, he spewed them all out onto the spectators.

There was also a game based on this one called stingray swallowing, which was banned from being played after the death of Steve Irwin.

edit Removal

Many claim the cane toad to be a pest and a 'no good varmit'. In a 24 hour period, one toad can munch its way through 13 flies, 3 lit cigarettes, 1 McDonalds neopet toy and several small South American countries. Groups such as the East Kedron Street Golfers and the Lamppost Stalkers can be called on to remove problem toads. Removal methods include karate, the much vaunted 3-iron, Grey Nic cricket bat, Bridgestone steel radial and the seldom used Ah-Chi from Upper Volta. Under no circumstance should pets be allowed to eat toads. The youth of the suburb of Ashgrove are also experimenting with the dreaded deoderant and match method. This method is rather painful for the toads but ensures much hilarity to the people partaking in it. It involves an esky, a full deoderant can and a match or lighter. The toad is found and covered in deoderant then placed underneath the esky. The match is lit and is thrown onto the toad as the esky is lifted up. This will cause an explosion where the risk of burning is high. The toad will not die fron the explosion however it will hop away while onfire and go off to die in the bushes. Note 1: beware of being eaten when attempting to catch toad.Note 2: ensure all marijuana is removed from the toad before burning as that would waste it.

edit See also

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